Blind

4 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 4
The trees are moving on their own again,
my eyes open to contradict the air,
I'm wandering in a world where notions tie like chains,
the fabrications proudly declared.

I have never seen a heart,
I have never come across a mind,
people say I'm not being smart,
but I'm convinced I'm not blind.

What is brilliant for you, I cannot see,
whatever you think is true, you cannot prove,
if you knew, you would not blame me,
for what you see now has failed me too.

When you had something that was taken away,
you become like a ghost, alive but very much asleep,
unaware of the glory surrounding you, you lay,
alone in the dark, with mirrors that weep.

When you have nothing left to hold on to,
you learn to rely on your two noble eyes,
you learn to disregard what you thought you knew,
you learn to take what you can't see as a lie.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1175
Reviews 185
Over all I liked this piece. It flowed alright and its imagery was there. Even so it's no perfect and that is way we are here. Alright, here I go.

1) I'm not sure what I would add, but a lot of the lines seem like they are missing a word or have on too many throwing off the flow a bit. Reread it, I may be wrong.

2) Even though I like the feeling behind the poem, I find it hard to understand what your talking about. i have a few ideas, but exactly I have no idea. I learned, on here no less, that if you have to explain the true meaning, event, or purpose about your poem outside of it you're only half done. Work on that and the poem will be 100x better.

hm, I think that's it. Like I said you have a nice poem, just a few things to fix from my point of view. Good luck and pm me when you edit it please, thanks :)

~Mr. Pie
I will always fight back, no matter what.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
BEAUTIFUL! I really enjoyed reading this. It flows very well and it has a very distict message to me. =]
Keep it up!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1618
Reviews 58
This was a very good poem. I liked pretty much everything about it.

I would just like to point out that I comment on the piece and not the words, or techniques or anything like that. I review/leave little comments or whatever you want to call it, on the piece itself.

Which is why I am going to say that it was wonderful. It wasn't so strong emotion wise but there was feeling there, a tone of subtilty in some weird way that only I can understand.
The opposite of courage is not cowardice but conformity

Bee is in the house bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)