Hello there! I wanted to let you know that I shortened the line brake V things in your post because they were stressing out the first page.
Also, try not to double post? If you have something you would like to say in addition to what you've already said, hit the "enter" button, and just add it! Oh, and you should probably review some things! I'm not sure if this is your first literary post or not, but we have a rule that for every 1 thing you post, you must review 2 stories.
Good luck! If you have any questions or need help with something, feel free to send me a message!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
I've read a whole bunch of naruto fanfics, so, yes, I've seen worse.
I liked your basic concept, and a young gaara may have reacted like that.
But the girl, Reika. She was a Mary-Sue, and trust me, people don't like them. Her whole past and the stuff with her father and sister was too over-dramatic. Maybe if her sister liked her, and her father wasn't so extreme with the beating, she's be a more interesting character. At the moment, she just seems like a female Gaara, with the demon and the family history and stuff, and you already have a Gaara, so another character of the same type is just a little boring.
I liked the way you told the story from two points of view, but each pov was one big block of writing. Try separating it into lines and paragraphs and it'll be much easier to read.
The plot could've been dragged out longer. Like where Gaara and Reika first meet. She just tells him her life story right off the bat. But would anyone in real life do that? Especially someone with her history, I wouldn't expect her to be so trusting, even if he is "like her".
And Gaara, he probably wouldn't be that trusting either.
A few problems with grammer and spelling. Try and find someone to beta read it for you. Fanfiction.net now has a bit where you can find beta readers for your work, so check it out sometime.
You totally lost me where you kept changing POVs. It is kind of . . . how shall I say . . . confusing as you reallise that you have to change the way you read it.
Otherwise, interesting and as laura claridge mentioned a few grammatical errors and spelling woes, but alirght.
heyy what's happened here?
why did you delete the story? It had plenty of potential if you took the time to sit down and hash it out. maybe find a beta reader on fanfiction.net?
We do not delete accounts here. If we did, then all the people who spent their precious time dishing out critiques for your work would lose the credit and that is not fair to them.
