Who Will It Be?

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- 7 years old -

It was Sunday afternoon, and I was helping Sasuke with his Sharingan. This wasn't the first time he'd asked me to tag along on his day-long training sessions, and I had gotten quite sick of it. As much as I admired his willpower, I didn't want to spend all my days with him just throwing Kunai and Shuriken at trees or targets. Whenever we weren't doing target practice, he'd always be trying his hardest to somehow activate the Uchiha clan's special technique, but he'd never been able to accomplish his goal.

I shifted my gaze towards the horizon. We were in the middle of a beautiful green forest, and the sun was starting to set in the orange and red tainted sky. I let Sasuke try once more to activate his Sharingan before I told him we had to head in.

“Sasuke, we have to get back to your house,” I told him, after seeing his millionth attempt at activating the Sharingan. “I’ve got to get going.”

Sasuke’s eyes were a deep black color that I could only envy. His black hair reminded me of some birds' tail, and I had made fun of it many times before. He never took it the wrong way, though. He would just smile at me. He was also had a great sense of humor. He'd sometimes call me his personal jester. Whenever we trained, he'd help me on my throws. Sadly, I didn't have the best aim. It never seemed to bother him, though. To me, he was the perfect best friend.

As he jogged to my side, he sighed sadly, “Are you sure you’ve got to leave so soon, Oroshii? You’ve only been here for two days.”

I lived in the Village Hidden in the Clouds, but my family was great friends with the Uchiha clan. We'd come and visit them almost every weekend. My mother and father were great shinobi who were always ready to protect our city. Even though there had been some conflicts between our village and Konoha, my father and Sasuke's father were both very close friends.

Father was also one of the few to study the Uchiha's unique Sharingan. He had always found it to be an interesting technique, and he was somewhat envious of it. He'd sometimes ask Sasuke's father about it, or ask him to use it so he could understand how it worked. I was curious about it the first time I saw him writing notes for his studies at home about it. He willingly taught me what he knew and, frankly, he was surprised I even understood it. But Mother always said I was an intelligent and beautiful little girl.

I sighed. “I know. I don’t want to leave either…”

Sasuke was my only friend and I was his only friend. Whenever I wasn’t with him, I felt desperately alone. It was a feeling I couldn't stand to bear. We were like pencil and paper. Without paper, the pencil wouldn’t have anything to write on and without a pencil, the paper could never be written on. The purpose of the two would be, in the end, complete uselessness. In this case, he was the pencil and I was the paper.

Suddenly, Sasuke smiled, “Race you.” With that, he bolted off. I laughed and ran after him. When we reached his house, I saw my parents walking out the front door.

“Hey, were you guys planning on leaving me behind?” I asked jokingly.

“Actually we were,” Father smiled.

I stared at them, confused. “W-what?” I asked, not believing what I had just heard.

“Oh, don’t scare her!” Mother said with a smile. “Oroshii, you’re going to be staying with the Uchihas for a few days.” She quickly stroked my sleek black hair.

“Really?” I asked incredulously, my icy blue eyes sparkling with delight.

“Yes,” Sasuke’s father replied. “Your parents are going on a...mission.”

I saw my parents' expression change. I knew immediately that this was no ordinary mission. As I studied my parents' faces to figure out what was wrong, Sasuke grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, a smile plastered on his eager face. I decided not to think about my parents anymore and have some fun with my best friend.



The next morning, Sasuke invited me to go to school with him. Of course, I accepted. Once we left the house, I began to feel excited. The fact that I got to see Sasuke's school really made me anxious. *What kind of students are they?* As we walked down the street, I stared into the beautiful blue, cloud-less sky. It was a warm day and the sun shined all over the village. Birds danced across the sky; a soft wind blew my hair into my face. Stores were beginning to open as kids left for school. Adult shinobi were saying their last good-byes to their loved ones before going on their missions.

"Sasuke, I can't wait until we become shinobi like our parents! I'm going to be one of the greatest there ever was and..." I smirked evilly at Sasuke. "I'll even become more powerful than you! That's a promise!"

"Psha," Sasuke said sarcastically. "You? Better than me?! In your dreams..."

"I sure hope so!" I laughed.

While we were walking down the half-empty road, an old woman stopped us. It was Sasuke’s aunt. She kept going on and on about how great Sasuke’s brother, Itachi, was, which annoyed me like heck. To everyone else, Itachi seemed to be a well-mannered gentleman. He was to grow up and be the 'great one' everyone looked up to. I would never see him that way. Ever since I met my best friend’s brother, I never liked him nor trusted him. I didn't know why I didn't trust him, but I definetaly hated him because he never spent time with Sasuke, or very little at the most. His father never seemed to really care about him either, only his beloved son Itachi - that's what it looked like to me, anyway.

The day passed by quickly. After school, Sasuke and I went to the park to play.

"There's no time to play," Sasuke complained as I pulled him down the street. "I've got training to do!"

"You trained all day yesterday! Come on, please go to the park with me? At least do this one thing for me. I promise that tomorrow we can go back to training."

Reluctantly, he gave up and nodded. As we were sitting on the swings and laughing about our past experiences, I noticed that someone was carefully watching us from behind a bush. Her blonde hair just barely sticking out from the dark green leaves.

“Who’s that?” I asked Sasuke, pointing to the bush the person was hiding behind. Sasuke analyzed the bush for a moment, then sighed.

“It’s Ino…”

“Ino?” I asked, trying to remember the kids I had seen at the school. “Oh! Now I remember! Isn’t she that one blonde girl that gloats over you all the time?”

At that moment, Ino charged out of her hiding spot and punched me in the stomach, knocking me off my swing. As I struggled to breath, Ino grabbed me by my shirt collar and yelled at me angrily. “What do you mean by ‘gloats over you’!? Don’t you know that someday Sasuke and I will get married!? I don’t need anyone getting in the way of…”

Suddenly her words weren’t clear to me anymore.

“M-married?” I asked, a laugh about to escape my mouth.

Just then, Sasuke punched Ino, sending her flying across the park. I watched as she struggled to get up and start to cry.

“Sasuke…” she wept, running away.

I heard Sasuke chuckle, then he held out his hand to help me up. “You okay? Ino’s such a pig.”

“Pig?” I snickered, while getting up.

“I heard it from the guys,” he explained.

"Honestly, I didn't expect a person like her could cry. Not from what I saw today at least. She honestly seems like the big deal. Especially the way she acts around all those girls. It seems she'd rip their heads off if any of them got near you."

"Eh, I don't care about her. Or any of the other girls for that matter."

“Sasuke?” I asked.

“What?”

“Speaking of girls, have you ever noticed how many of them stare at you in class? I mean…it's not just Ino.”

“So?”

“Well…I don’t know…doesn’t it bother you or something?”

Sasuke thought about it for a bit then answered. “No. Not at all.” He smiled. I looked at him confused. “Well….it doesn’t bother me cause they’re just girls. They’ll get over me sooner or later. There are plenty of other guys in the class, it’s not like they’re all still going to like me when we’re older. And plus, since when have you ever known me to care about what the other kids think?”

“Oh.” I said. “Your right....but, is there a girl you like though?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Like…uhm…one you’d want to kiss.”

Sasuke looked away disgusted. “You kidding!? I’ve got other matters to worry about and I swear I will never kiss a girl!”

“Harsh”, I joked.

“Oh well.” He looked up at the darkened sky. “Crap. It’s getting late. We’ve got to head back.”

I smiled and nodded. Then we were off, blazing past closed stores and sleepy faces of tired merchants. As we rounded a corner, we stopped dead in our tracks. The wooden gates outlining the road were completely splattered with blood. Silence enveloped the once crowded road which led to the Uchiha residence. Dead bodies Uchiha clan members were strewn across the dirt road. I stared at them, terrorized and confused.

I could tell that Sasuke was tearing up when he spoke. “What happened here?”

He charged towards his house while I remained behind, frozen with fear. Somehow I could tell that whatever had killed them was still here and I was not ready to die yet. No way.

I stared at the lifeless bodies, partially regretting staying with the Uchihas without my parents around. I fell to the ground and started to cry silently to myself until I heard Sasuke yelling at someone. “Don’t kill me!” he screamed.

Still extremely scared, I forced myself to tiptoe over to the corner of the road. Sasuke needed help, and I couldn't deny it. As I reached the corner, I heard Sasuke let out a blood-curdling scream. The scream made me jump back physically, but mentally made me take a large step forward, which resulted in an odd sort of tumble. I untangled myself and got to my knees, only to look onto the abandoned road and see Sasuke holding his head in between his legs with his brother, Itachi, standing over him.

Itachi's eyes had a strange symbol in them and it took a while for me to understand what it meant. I stared in horror when I finally understood that Itachi was using his Mangekyou Sharingan.


~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~

"What is this, father?" I asked, looking at a scrap of paper. "What is a Mangekyou Sharingan?"

Father rushed over to me and snatched the paper from my hands.

"It's nothing, Oroshii," he nervously smiled. "Please forget all about it."

"Father..." I said sternly. "You can't expect me to just forget about it. It's obviously something important, or even secret since you won't tell me about it."

Father sighed.

"Please tell me what it is!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father decided to tell me only a few things about the Mangekyou Sharingan. He told me it was an advanced form of the Sharingan and could only be activated under a certain circumstance. He also told me what it looked like and if I ever saw it, which was a very slim chance, how to try and protect myself. It was a technique not even Sasuke knew. I wanted to tell him about it, but Father said it wasn't time yet- whatever that meant.

I refocused on the image that lay in front of me. My poor friend caught in the horrific trance and his only brother standing over him, ready to kill him. The moment I saw Itachi begin to shift his glance in my direction, I hid my face in my hands, afraid I might fall into the mental torture of the Mangekyou. I waited for a good number of minutes, too afraid of the consequences if I did meet Itachi's eyes. When I had finally built up my courage and peeked out from behind my fingers, Itachi had disappeared.

Only Sasuke was left in front of me. His body sprwaled face down on the ground.
Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:21 am, edited 13 times in total.




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Hello there! I'm sorry to say I've never read anything of this nature, but I'll try to help with the other things!


“Sasuke, we got to get back to your house”, I told him. “I’ve got to get going.”

When you have quotation marks, you need to put all punctuation inside. So it would be ...your house,"


Whenever I wasn’t with him, I felt all alone and I hated that feeling.

I'm not sure what to do here. It seems to me you have two ideas crowding the sentence. Maybe you could leave I hated that feeling. in its own sentence. I dunno, maybe it's just me. :wink:

We were like pencil and paper. Without paper, the pencil wouldn’t have anything to write on and without a pencil, the paper would be lonely. In this case, he was the pencil and I was the paper.

This is a really cute analogy, but it's not really working for me. That's just my opinion though. If you want to keep it, more power to ya. I'm just thinking it's odd for a piece of paper to be lonely. Maybe you could say something about how they help each other complete the other's purpose or something of that nature.


Suddenly, Sasuke smiled. “Race you”, and with that he bolted off.

I think it should be, Suddenly, Sasuke smiled. "Race you!" With that, he bolted off. Otherwise you have "Race you," and with that he bolted off. as an incomplete sentence. Does that make sense?


“Actually we were”, dad smiled.

"Actually, we were." Dad smiled. Dad is his name at the moment. Unless you're saying "my dad," it should be capitalized.


“Oh, don’t scare her!” mother said with a smile. Again, it's her name. Mother would do just great.



Intense! Again, I've never read anything like this before, but i thought you did very well. I'm curious to know where her parents went and what Itachi has planned. Will you PM me when you write again?

Thanks! PM me if you have any questions!
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




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Hey howdy! I've come here to crit this fanfic. Oh, it's a Naruto fanfic...? Great, they're my speciality. ^_~

I'll crit as I read, 'kay?:

- 7 years old -

So by this, unless I'm mistaken, you mean Sasuke or your main character is 7 years old, right? Okay, well since that's a bit confusing and such, I'd suggest that you say how many year it was from the current time. So, if your main plot takes place when the story line of Naruto starts, then you would say "5 years ago". It's less confusing that way. ^^

It was Saturday afternoon and I was helping Sasuke with his Sharingan.

First of all, you need a comma after 'afternoon'. Second, this statement is a bit misleading because at this point, Sasuke doesn't have the Sharingan. He only activates it when he's 12 during that battle with Haku. Anyway, you should take out 'Sharingan' and put in something else like kunai and/or shuriken target practice, learning how to activate the Sharingan, etc. Because already putting just Sharingan implies that he already has it.

We were in the middle of a beautiful green forest, and the sun was starting to set in the orange and red tainted sky.

Once again, you need the comma over there.

“Sasuke, we got to get back to your house”, I told him. “I’ve got to get going.”

The comma needs to go inside the quotes.

Sasuke’s eyes went back to their original deep black color as he jogged to my side.

Yeah, like I said earlier about the Sharingan. Since later you mention Itachi and Sasuke's father, Sasuke definitely doesn't have Sharingan yet.

I lived in the village hidden in the clouds, but my family was great friends with the Uchiha clan and we’d come and visit them whenever we could.

Village Hidden in the Clouds should be capitalized since it is a title. :)
Oh, by the way, the Village Hidden in the Clouds were enemies with Konoha approx. 9 years before the start of the series. It is unclear whether 5 years before the series they were still unfriendly, but I suggest you keep that fact in mind.

I sighed. “I know. I don’t want to leave either…”

Comma need to be a period.

Sasuke was my only friend, and I was his only friend.

See bolded.

Whenever I wasn’t with him, I felt all alone

I suggest finding another word for 'all'. Really, all is a vague word. Try finding a more emotional word such as maybe, 'completely' or something else. Use a thesaurus (love those things)!!

We were like pencil and paper. Without paper, the pencil wouldn’t have anything to write on and without a pencil, the paper would be lonely. In this case, he was the pencil and I was the paper.

Very good writer's simile. :D But you're wrong, the paper always has the...pen! ^_~

“Race you”, and with that he bolted off.

It should be "Race you!" he called, and bolted off." Or something to that effect. You need to have a dialog tag after the "Race you" though.

I asked jokingly.

Jokingly sound a bit funny and childish...use a thesaurus to try to find a better word. Maybe 'sarcastically'... that may not be the best choice in this case.

“Actually we were." Dad smiled.

See bolded and italics.

I asked in a low voice.

Low? I don't think that's quite the word you want. He's surprised, so his tone would be higher, actually.

mother said with a smile

In this case, 'mother' is a title. So it would be capitalized. Now if you had said 'my mother,' it wouldn't be.

“Yes”, Sasuke’s father replied.

Comma goes inside the quotation marks.

The next morning, Sa...

Okay, before this paragraph starts, since there is a time skip, I would suggest putting an extra space or one of those little symbol things to tell the reader that there is a time skip. This is optional; I've seen time skips without them, but it looks more clear to the reader this way.

Of course, I accepted.

Accepted isn't the right word here either. Since Sasuke invited her, you should say 'agreed' or 'complied' or maybe even something more joyous.

While we were walking down the half-empty road, an old woman stopped us.

I think this is good opportunity to explain some of the surroundings. Explain how the 'half-empty road' looks--the buildings around them, the weather...anything to get the reader more enveloped into your setting.

Ever since I met my best friend’s brother, I never liked him nor trusted him.

This is sort of an odd comment to make. Of course, we, the readers, would, could, or should know what happens later (or do you?), the main character does not. To everyone around him, Itachi-kun put on a real happy face. Honestly, no one suspected him of wrong-doing...well until shortly before the tragedy of the Uchiha (was it really a tragedy?). But, anyway, Itachi seemed nice and a genius, of course, to everyone around him. I don't think your main character should not trust him, but not liking him is fine.

After school, Sasuke and I went to the park to play.

Play? Sasuke is relentless in training to become better than his brother. He pretty much always was. I'm pretty sure, even though his best friend's visiting, he would still insist on training...not 'playing'.

As we were swinging on the swings and laughing about our past expierences, I noticed that someone was carefully watching us from behind a bush.

Could you be more discreet? Or possibly more descriptive? Maybe something like, "I noticed movement in the bushes behind us."

pointing to the bush the person was hiding behind.

How 'bout "pointing to the bush the sudden noise had come from."?

, [s]thinking[/s] over the kids I had seen at the school.

You need another word there. "Remembering" is one that comes to mind, but that's still a little bland. Again, thesaurus..use one.

Or maybe "calling to mind the faces of the Sasuke's classmates."?

Don’t you know that someday Sasuke and I will get married!?

Lmao. I half-expected Sakura to charge out from the bushes after she said that.

I watched as she struggled to get up and start to cry.

Crying...not an Ino thing. Sakura, yes, but not Ino.

“You ok? Ino’s such a pig.”

Spell out 'okay'.

“Well….it doesn’t bother me cuz they’re just girls.

Chat-speak alert! Sound the alarms! Spell out 'cause or because. Or you might be able to use 'cos...but probably not.

There are plenty of other guys in the class, it’s not like they’re all still going to like me when we’re older.”

Pretty deep thinking for...a seven-year-old.
“Like…uhm…one you’d want to kiss.”

Yeah, as I said before...deep thinking...much?!

“You kidding!? I’ve got other matters to worry about and I swear I will NEVER kiss a girl!”

That's more like a seven year old!! But now I'm not so sure how old your main character is...? But that's besides my point...which is...don't capitalize 'never'. Use italics or bold.
Haha, I remember thinking when I was younger that kissing was so weird. :?

Dead bodies of once Uchiha clan members were strooned across the dirt road.

Now this is a very direct statement. Very direct and undescriptive. Try leading up to the point when you mention all the bodies. Maybe some splattered blood or empty and dark roads. 'Strooned'...is that a word? I mean, I don't know, but my spell check and dictionary say it isn't. But you're heading in the right direction with word choice there. But like I said, describe scenes that lead up to the showing up of the bodies. Like, when they did show them in the anime/manga, they didn't just show the bodies right away, they showed the blood and such.

Somehow I could tell that whatever had killed them was still here and I was not ready to die yet.

This thought is totally random! If the character is that smart...well, let's just say that this sentence should be reworded to not sound so random.

I tiptoed forcefully over to the corner of the road.

How do you "forcefully tiptoe"? Tiptoeing is something you do lightly, not forcefully. Are you looking for 'purposefully'?

blood-curdling scream. I jumped back and pushed myself forward at the same time, resulting in a tumble.

Hyphen there. And how do you jump back and push forward? This action is unclear. Please clarify.

Only to look onto the abandoned road and see Sasuke holding his head in between his legs and Itachi standing over him.

Fragment alert! You need a subject for this sentence. But what you can do is combine the sentence before this with this one.

I knew a lot about the Sharingan and its advanced form, otherwise known as the Mangekyou Sharingan.

Wow, this character has Mary-Sue knowledge! Let me tell you something. The Mangekyou Sharingan is something that very few people achieved. So knowledge of this is very limited. Especially to someone who isn't even an Uchiha. Heck, I don't even think Sasuke knew what it was when Itachi first used it on him. There's no way your character would know of it.

When I noticed Itachi looking at me, I hid my face in my hands, afraid I might fall into the mental trance and torture of the Mangekyou Sharingan.

Like I said before, she would not know this. Find some other way for the character to cover their eyes.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Overall, this sounds promising. I mean, there's not much plot progression in this because it's events that have been explored in Naruto-a flashback from a different point of view, if you will. But the character introduction are otherwise good. Except for one thing-description. Explain how your main character looks! Small, subtle signs. Even though we know who Sasuke, Itachi, and Ino look, explain them too. It will add another element to your story and allow the reader to really feel like they're in the story. Explain the surroundings--the park where Ino attacks them, Sasuke's house, and more of the carnage with the murders. :D

Good job and keep on writing,
~Ninja :twisted:
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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“Really?” I asked increduously, my eyes sparkling with delight.


Should be incredulously

I knew immediatly that this was no ordinary mission.


Should be immediately

As we were swinging on the swings and laughing about our past expierences, I noticed that someone was carefully watching us from behind a bush.


Should be experiences

“Well….it doesn’t bother me cuz they’re just girls.


I’m guessing you know this isn’t a word, and maybe you put it in for character affect, but you could do cause, or because or something like that.

Dead bodies of once Uchiha clan members were strooned across the dirt road.


Should be strewn. Also this sentence is a bit awkward and should be reworded, because the dead bodies are still uchiha.

We were like pencil and paper. Without paper, the pencil wouldn’t have anything to write on and without a pencil, the paper would be lonely. In this case, he was the pencil and I was the paper.


Okay I actually liked this analogy. Keep/don’t, its all up to you. But maybe change the end, so the paper isn’t lonely, maybe “and without a pencil, the paper would have nothing written on it.” or something to that sort, cause I agree that a lonely piece of paper is a bit strange.

Just then, Ino was thrown across the park. I watched as she struggled to get up and start to cry.


Okay who or what threw her? I assume it was Sasuke but it could help to say it was him just to make it all a bit clearer.

I stared in horror when I noticed that Itachi was using his Mangekyou Sharingan


I know you said your character new a lot about the sharingan but... I think that is a little unrealistic. First off your character is only seven, if I remember right from the Manga/Anime not even sasuke knew what the Mangekyou was, at least not for a while. So I would take that out, and just describe how weird his eyes looked and how scary it was.

Anyway it was good, congratulations, I’m a big Naruto fan so I will probably be paying attention to these as you put them out!




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Ok, so. I have only watched the anime series and i'm sorry for any misunderstandings. I'll add to and edit the story. I hope you'll like it after!
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I have edited the story and I hope it sounds better now! Thanks to those who critiqued it!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Friends are life
Music is life
Love is life
Writing is life
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Hey, Vampire, I promise that this critique'll be much shorter. :D

- 8 years old -

I am still a bit confused about this, but just to be sure: Your main character is eight years old at the time when the story starts, right?

and I hate gotten quite bored of it.

That should be 'had', right? Also, this type of sentence here is heading in the right direction, but it's still a little bland. Try finding a word other that 'bored' to describe the character's feelings.

We were in the middle of a beautiful green forest, and the sun was starting to set in the orange and red tainted sky.

This sentence should be added to the paragraph above.

His black hair reminded me of some birds' tail, and I had made fun of it many times before. He was the perfect friend. (Dear critiquers, do you think I should keep these lines in? I'm not sure they actually work...)

Duck butt hair! Lmao. Yes, Sasuke has duck butt hair. That's funny comment--it works. However, the second one of the perfect friend...well, first let's start off with the placement of the sentence. It comes totally randomly, and where it is now, does not work. You first talk about Sasuke's hair, then move to him being the 'perfect friend'? Doesn't work...Second, you can have your character think he's the perfect friend--that's fine--but lead up to that point. Explain why your character thinks this. Don't just randomly put it in there!

I lived in the Village Hidden in the Clouds, but my family was great friends with the Uchiha clan and we’d come and visit them whenever we could.

Good fixing up, but I think that this sentence is a run-on...because "my family...clan" and "we'd...could." are both independent clauses. You might want to separated them out.

My mother and father were great shinobi who were always ready to protect our city.

Good added detail. :D Even though most of the Hidden Villages are the size of cities...they still call them villages. I have no clue why :?

Even though there had been some conflicts between our village and Konoha, my father and Sasuke's father were both very close friends.

Kandosii! Good detail.

I was amazed by it the first time I saw him working on it.

Now this is outright confusing. "Working on it"? What exactly is he doing? Trying to activate it? This action is very unclear.

But Mother always said I was an intelligent and beautiful little girl.

Thank you for clarifying that your main character is, in fact, a girl. :)

Whenever I wasn’t with him, I felt desperately alone.

Kandosii! Desperately is much better than 'all'. However...this is just a personal preference, but desperate doesn't really work with alone. They're sort of different. You can keep desperately and say something about wanting desperately to go to Konoha to play/train/whatever with Sasuke?

She quickly stroked my sleek black hair.

Kandosii! Once again, I'm sooo glad you added in these details. :D

As I tried to study my parent’s faces and figure out what was wrong,

You did it right the sentence before this one--it should be "parents'".

*What kind of students are they?*

This needs to be in italics.

It was a warm day, and the sun shined all over the village.

Here is the opportunity to expand your description capabilities. Instead of that part, say something like "the sun's rays hugged the village in the warm embrace." I know that sounds very cheesy, but something towards that direction. Oh, and don't forget that comma.

Adult shinobi were saying their last good-byes to their beloved family before going on their missions.

How 'bout just saying 'loved ones' here?

To everyone else, Itachi seemed to be a well-mannered gentleman. He was to grow up and be the 'great one' everyone looked up to.

Wait, he really wasn't? :roll: (Actually, I don't know...how much have you read/watched Naruto?) But good job on adding this in here.

I didn't know why I didn't trust him, but I didn't like him because

This part has way too many didn'ts.

"There's no time to play," Sasuke complained as I pulled him down the street. "I've got training to do!"

Kandosii! :D :D

To my luck, he gave up and nodded.

How 'bout reluctantly instead?

As we were swinging on the swings and laughing about our past experiences

"Swinging on the swings"? The first 'swinging' can be changed to another word. This just sounds funny. XP

Just then, Ino was thrown across the park. I watched as she struggled to get up and start to cry.

This part is still out-of-characters. Both Ino and Sasuke.

The wooden gates outlining the road were completely splattered with blood.

Kandosii! Again, heading in the right direction. I would have added one or two more sentences besides this one before mentioning the bodies.

Still extremely scared, I [s]mentally[/s] forced myself to tiptoe over to the corner of the road.

"Mentally"? When you force yourself to do something, it's definitely something to do with your brain.

Sasuke needed help[s], and[/s] I couldn't deny it.

Put a semicolon there instead. :D

I don't know how, but somehow I managed to jump back and push myself forward at the same time, which resulted in a tumble.

-_- This is not an explanation for the action. You need to make the action more clear, not just say that she didn't know how she did it. I can't even make a mental picture of this action. :(

I stared in horror when I finally understood that Itachi was using his Mangekyou Sharingan.

Yeah, what I said in the last crit. Even though you've now established that Oroshii's father studies the Sharingan (why?), he wouldn't know of the Mangekyou. No way. And if he found out, he wouldn't tell even his daughter.

My poor friend caught in the horrific trance and his only brother standing over him, maybe even ready to kill him.

Maybe? Maybe ready to kill him? To anyone, it would look like Itachi was ready/going to kill him.

I hid my face in my hands, afraid I might fall into the mental torture of the Mangekyou.

Yeah, like I said, she even if she knew that the Mangekyou existed, she wouldn't know how to counter it. Most people don't, unless they're Sharingan users or have constantly fought Sharingan users.

His body laying on the ground. Dear critiquers, does this fit? Maybe it's a little too "he's dead", don't you think?

This fits fine. Although...'laying' is a weak word. There a many better words, such as 'sprawled' for this case.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, *sigh*, this is much better. Much better. Keep editing and working on it.
I'm looking forward to reading your next part! :D

~Psychic

PS. If you're wondering what 'kandosii' means, it's the equivalent of saying 'nice!' or 'sweet!'...in Mandalorian. But the direction translation is 'noble'. *Star Wars nerd*
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Well, I don't know if you know or not, probably not, but I hate Naruto, so I don't know what kind of goodness will come out of this, but I can try! Lol. This is different when you showed it to me in your notebook that one day, I can tell. Despite the fact that I don't like Naruto in the least, I like the story. It is suspenseful, and I like the twists and turns it has. Part two is pretty good also; better than part one in my opinion. Well, everyone else pretty much pointed out all the mistakes, so I don't think you need to hear it again from me. Keep it up!
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...




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Yay!!!! I re-re-edited! It should be better than before now!
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i liked it.
the girl wasn't too mary-sue, which is great. Though at first i thought it was a boy :wink:
when she asked about girls, i didn't really think it fit her age. she's 7 right? i dunno, maybe its just me.
anyway, keep going, it'd be interesting to see what happens next.



I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter