My Frozen Blood

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Prologue

The air hung with the fumes that poured from the factories. A dark world surrounded the people who hurried through the freezing city streets not looking anywhere but forward, hoping for the moment when they could enter their slightly warmer houses. In a barely lit corner off the main rode hid a cloaked figure. HIs face was not visible through the hood that shadowed the countenance of the shy visitor to the city. The figure seemed to be waiting for something, his eyes rarely moved from the spot directly across the street where a fat man sold vegetables from a wooden cart.
The Sun was setting when the event that the hooded stranger had been waiting for finally occurred. He had been waiting for over three hours and had received a number of glances in his direction, but luckily the majority of people simply passed by, too caught up in their own world. The blood red sky was beautiful despite the smog and funnels that penetrated the horizon. A signal to the cloaked man that no matter how powerful humans got, they would never defeat nature. The day had been a dry one and he had suffered for his constant waiting, he was parched and just wished for the job to be over. Suddenly the fat man at the vegetable store nodded, and the stranger raised his eyes to observe an attractive women walk down the street, her feet move in front of each other in the way that true ladies walked. She wore a red dress, which had been expertly tailored to show off her voluptuous curves and a fur throw, which was draped across her shoulders. She wore no coat and walked throw the poor streets with ease despite the fact that her wealth, so obvious to passers by, brought looks which would make any other feel ashamed.
The woman arrived at the fruit stall with a smile at the store holder, which was both patronizing and had the venom of a snake. Her eyes drilled into the vendor’s and the cloaked figure suddenly had the urge to defend his recent ally. The woman leaned forward and whispered into the ear of the vendor. The man blanched and stuttered something in reply. His eyes were wide with fear and, at the beck of the woman; he bent down and received a thin envelope. The woman leaned in once more, directly blocking the cloaked figures view of the vendor. He left hand took the envelope and the right patted the fat man on the stomach, she turned and walked away into the now black sky.
The cloaked figure went to follow her but was distracted by the fact that the pitiful shop keep he had so recently paid to be in his service was crouched on the ground clutching his chest where a small slice had been made. Not anywhere near a major organ and therefore not deadly. No one else had seen the unimportant fat man fallen to the floor. They moved past or stayed where they where lost in their own troubles. Unaware that the cloaked man who passes them was full of troubles that they could not imagine. Troubles the fat man no longer shared. The cloaked figure removed his hood; crouched and closed the dead mans eyes. Here once again was a man killed, from a wound that was most certainly not fatal.
Robert sighed and rose to his feet walking slowly into the crowd. Disappearing into the mix of wagons, people and cobbles.
Last edited by Quibbons Quill on Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:51 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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FIrstly, great work :) there are some really nice aspects to this.
lets get the tips out the way...
1) try not to repeat dark in the first few lines
2) 'glances in his direction but' comma before 'but'
3) 'throw' do you mean through here? might just be me though
4)try not to repeat 'fat man' too much in your second from last paragraph.

despite the fact that i picked up a few points, i really love this! your attention to detail is magnificent and every little detail seems so well planned out. absolutely faculous!
your characters are mysterious, as is the whole story. having the characters fit the mood, it really adds to the mystery. i am dying to find out more! :)
so so good. you should be really pleased with it :)
hope i have helped in some way or form :)
bisquit :)




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Ooh, I like. Your atmosphere is absolutely wonderful, and you definitely give a sense of the mystery that is to come. However, I can't really say a lot about this piece, seeing as it's so short, and there's very little of the plot or characters in it at the moment.

I will make a couple of comments about your prose, however. There were a few places where it got a little clunky. Some of that is the style you're going for, and I understand that, but some of it is also easily fixed.

For instance:

Their face was not visible through the hood that shadowed the countenance of the shy visitor to the city. The figure seemed to be waiting for something, his eyes rarely moved from the spot directly across the street where a fat man sold vegetables from a wooden cart
.

"Countenance of the shy visitor to the city" is overly complex. And the sentence as a whole is somewhat redundant - i.e. it basically says, you could not see the face through the hood that made you unable to see the face, if that makes any sense?

The second sentence is just something minor: colon instead of comma. These are two independent clauses and you don't have a conjunction, so with a comma it's a run on.

i just think that some of your sentences could be parsed down and simplified, which I think would improve this piece greatly.

Good work overall though. I'm eager to read more.

~Annie




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I liked this! I didn't see any crucial grammar or spelling errors, but I have to say, when I first glanced at this, I reeled at the sight of those lengthy paragraphs. I'm not saying big paragraphs are bad; one of my favorite authors has some pages that are just solid paragraphs, but reading long ones like the one in the middle of your story are killers! Anyway, I think that's the only thing I would change--I'd try to make one more paragraph out of that monster you have crouched on the middle of the page! :D




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Quibbons,

Hello! And interesting username you have, you know? I like it ^^


Quote:
The air hung with the fumes that poured from the factories, a dark world surrounded the people who hurried through the freezing city streets.

Run on - there’s no linking word. If you put a period where the comma is, those could be two separate sentences.


Quote:
Their face was not visible through the hood that shadowed the countenance of the shy visitor to the city.

“Their”? But it’s just ONE cloaked figure.


Quote:
The Sun was setting when the event that the hooded stranger had been waiting for finally occurred.

“Sun” in minors.


Quote:
The blood red sky was beautiful with despite the smog and funnels that penetrated the horizon.

“With” or “despite”?


Quote:
The day had been a dry one and he had suffered for his constant waiting, he was parched and just wished for the job to be over.

Run on; see first quote.


Quote:
She wore a red dress, which had been expertly tailored to show off he voluptuous curves and a fur throw, which was draped across her shoulders.

“he” - “her”. “Which was, which was”


Quote:
She wore no coat and walked throw the poor streets with ease despite the fact that her wealth, so obvious to passers by, brought looks which would make any other feel ashamed.

“Throw”? “Passersby”


Quote:
The women arrived at the fruit stall with a smile at the fat man, which was both patronizing and had the venom of a snake.

Usual structure with “both”: “both A and B”. “both patronizing and dangerous”, or pu whatever you want there.


Quote:
His eyes were wide with fear and, at the beck of the women; he bent down and received a thin envelope.

Why the semicolon? Comma.


Quote:
He left hand took the envelope and the right patted the fat man on the stomach, she turned and walked away into the now darkening sky.

“he” - “her”? Run on, see first comment.


Quote:
The cloaked figure went to follow her but was distracted by the fact that the pitiful shop keep he had so recently paid to be in his service was crouched on the ground clutching his chest where a small slice had been made.

Comma before “but”. “Shop keep” - “shop keeper”? Comma before “clutching”


Quote:
They moved past or stayed where they where lost in their own troubles.

“where” - “were” (the second”. “Where” is a place, “were” is a verb.


Quote:
The cloaked figure removed his hood; crouched and closed the dead mans eyes.

Cut the semicolon. If you don’t want to, then add “he”


Quote:
Robert sighed and rose to his feet walking slowly into the crowd.

Robert sighed and rose to his feet, slowly walking into the crowd.


***

Well, that’s the line-by-line review, almost done. However, I still have some points as far a grammar is concerned:


Quote:
Not anywhere near a major organ and therefore not deadly.

Meaning wise add “supposedly”? See, I found myself disagreeing, even if I did know this was intentional. With “supposedly”, I would have no such problems.

-> Also, change all “women” to “woman”. “Women” is plural, whereas the second is single.

-> Some repetitions bothered me. I’d like to see more variety in the vocabulary at times, see. Look back and read through the text, and circle (put in italics, color, bold, whatever) the words that repeat themselves a lot (trouble?) Try substituting some of them with a synonym.


-> There were a few sentences which beginning I disliked, and found awkward. I didn’t actually quote them sooner, since I guess that at a stretch they could be, but still.

Quote:
Disappearing into the mix of wagons, people and cobbles.




Apart from that - well done, really; it was a well-written piece. I’d like to see the text be split up a bit more (paragraphs), though, and perhaps some more emotion painted into the picture. But this looks like an interesting plot, promising and all ^^ You’re continuing this, I hope?


Cheers,
Esme




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Okay intersesting beginning, it really drew me in. Goog job.

Grammar, I didn't see any grammar mistakes, but then again, I don't look for those.

Okay I think you can describe the man other than a fat man, you used this phase two or three times, and it sounded repetitive. Change around the words, if you need to pull out a thesarus, it really helps.

Okay I know this has been pointed out but please, shorten your paragraghs, the lenghty paragraphs really intimidate the readers. So if you break it down it will be easier to review also. Just a tip.


Good job and keep writing.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Quibbons Quill wrote:Prologue

The air hung with the fumes that poured from the factories. A dark world surrounded the people who hurried through the freezing city streets.


first sentence is great, second sentence not so much. your tryin to create a contrast b/ween realism and then a larger scope of things, but the fact that both sentenes are short kills that immediately. make the second sentence more cryptic or at least longer.

In a barely lit corner off the main rode hid a cloaked figure. HIs face was not visible through the hood that shadowed the countenance of the shy visitor to the city. The figure seemed to be waiting for something, his eyes rarely moved from the spot directly across the street where a fat man sold vegetables from a wooden cart.


you used "dark man" "shy visitor" and "figure" in the same paragraph to describe the same man. i understand what your trying to do but everytime you switch words it makes him less and less personal. you want your readers to connect with the character, not distance themselfs from him...

The Sun was setting when the event that the hooded stranger had been waiting for finally occurred. He had been waiting for over three hours and had received a number of glances in his direction, but luckily the majority of people simply passed by, too caught up in their own world. The blood red sky was beautiful despite the smog and funnels that penetrated the horizon. A signal to the cloaked man that no matter how powerful humans got, they would never defeat nature. The day had been a dry one and he had suffered for his constant waiting, he was parched and just wished for the job to be over. Suddenly the fat man at the vegetable store nodded, and the stranger raised his eyes to observe an attractive women walk down the street, her feet move in front of each other in the way that true ladies walked. She wore a red dress, which had been expertly tailored to show off her voluptuous curves and a fur throw, which was draped across her shoulders. She wore no coat and walked throw the poor streets with ease despite the fact that her wealth, so obvious to passers by, brought looks which would make any other feel ashamed.


beginning was bad, ending was almost perfect. suddenly your going into a deep philosophical theme about how nature is always powerful than people...this has ntohing to do with your story so please dont cram in extra themes just so the character will sound wise.

i liked the description of the woman walking, it did make her seem elegant and you used imagery well.

The women arrived at the fruit stall with a smile at the store holder, which was both patronizing and had the venom of a snake. Her eyes drilled into the vendor’s and the cloaked figure suddenly had the urge to defend his recent ally. The women leaned forward and whispered into the ear of the vendor. The man blanched and stuttered something in reply. His eyes were wide with fear and, at the beck of the women; he bent down and received a thin envelope. The women leaned in once more, directly blocking the cloaked figures view of the vendor. He left hand took the envelope and the right patted the fat man on the stomach, she turned and walked away into the now darkening sky.


okay, you need to clarify whether this is one womAN or two or more womEN. i'm very confused.

you never said that the vendor was the cloaked man's ally. why did you suddenly add that nonsense in there?

i thought the sky was dark already. please make up your mind as to the setting of your story.

The cloaked figure went to follow her but was distracted by the fact that the pitiful shop keep he had so recently paid to be in his service was crouched on the ground clutching his chest where a small slice had been made. Not anywhere near a major organ and therefore not deadly. No one else had seen the unimportant fat man fallen to the floor. They moved past or stayed where they where lost in their own troubles. Unaware that the cloaked man who passes them was full of troubles that they could not imagine. Troubles the fat man no longer shared. The cloaked figure removed his hood; crouched and closed the dead mans eyes. Here once again was a man killed, from a wound that was most certainly not fatal.


i really disliked this entire paragraph to be honest. the sentences were structured weird. the content was weird. okay, so a fat man suddenly falls to the ground and no one gives a hoot? at least people would be looking and some would start to whisper! maybe this story needs a lesson in reality and what actually happens when something like this occurs.

what does the cloaked man have to do with anything??? it looks like he was just watching the whole time. if he ordered the assassination or something then make it clear. also, you really do need to explain why an "unimportant" vendor is targeted for an assassination.

Robert sighed and rose to his feet walking slowly into the crowd. Disappearing into the mix of wagons, people and cobbles.


who the...who's Robert????? the cloaked man? then why did you just say his name now? the end of this story is very vague and unsatisfying.

in general, this story needs alot, and i mean alot, more work before it is understandable and of quality. use my suggestions and dont think i'm being mean - im not, but i'm just saying what i felt when reading this.




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Thanks a lot for your reviews. They have really helped and i have made some of the changes suggested. The next part of the story should be up soon after proof reading and i hope you can look and critique that to.
Thanks again




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So Esme and the others relatively covered all the grammar/punctuation part. I'll just fill your ears with opinionated babble.

As beginnings go, I admit I wasn't satisfied. The sentences were awkward and you could improve what you have in many ways. Instead of going into all of them (I'm too lazy and short of time), I'll just give you an example of the before and after, the after my version of this. Note that I'm doing this quickly so it will be a bit rough...


BEFORE:

The air hung with the fumes that poured from the factories. A dark world surrounded the people who hurried through the freezing city streets not looking anywhere but forward, hoping for the moment when they could enter their slightly warmer houses. In a barely lit corner off the main rode hid a cloaked figure. HIs face was not visible through the hood that shadowed the countenance of the shy visitor to the city. The figure seemed to be waiting for something, his eyes rarely moved from the spot directly across the street where a fat man sold vegetables from a wooden cart.


AFTER:

Choking fumes poured from the factories, filling the air with their unpleasant odor. Darkness surrounded the people hurrying through the freezing city streets, no one looking anywhere but forward; they all longed for the moment when they could enter their slightly warmer homes.
Watching these people, not seeming to notice the factory fumes, hid a cloaked figure. In a barely lit corner off the main road, the figure's face was not visible under the hood that shadowed the countenance. The figure seemed to be waiting for something, his eyes rarely moving from a spot directly across the street, where a fat man sold vegetables from a wooden cart.


I made it a bit more mysterious, and didn't mention the figure's shyness or the fact that he is a visitor. You have a typo and a misspelling in there - road, not rode. And the I shouldn't be capitalized in his.

I hope this is a tad helpful :) Gotta run. Keep writing.

KJ




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OK first off i am not very good at the grammar and spelling and because of all the people that got here before me and done a great job about it I won't even attempt it. Although I'm not very good at the spelling mistakes, one that did stick out for me for some reason was
He left hand took the envelope
don't know why it did, it just did.
Your description, although needing some adjustments of sentences, was great. I liked how you set the scene and your attention to detail, something that I like to do when I'm writing. Overall I liked the story even though its a bit short for what I liked to read, maybe you could make it longer next time :D. Maybe you could read back a little more, but its easy to criticize someone else then criticize yourself, i find that especially hard :(. Great story and keep it up :D.




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I wish I had found this thread a while ago...this prologue is awesome. Simply jaw-dropping. I wish I had something to critique, but I really don't think there's anything I needed to point out.

Nice work. I hope to see more of this later.
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Everyone's really pointed out everything that needed work, so there's not much I can tell you. Overall I really liked the story. I loved the prologue!

I really look forward to readding the next chapter ^_^
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War determins who's left



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