Secrets of the Heart - Prologue

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

That is is a pretty short piece, so there's not a lot to critique. I did find a couple of errors.

1."Passerbys were casting me strange looks as I stumbled along the beach, so I dropped my gaze to the floor."

This reads really awkward. The first thing that is confusing to start out this sentence is "Passerbys". Try something else. "Hypocritical older people...young teens..." something like that. Plus, you give us a better view of what's going on.

The second thing is when you added the "so." It doesn't fit right. Try smething like, "The hypocritical people were casting me strange looks as I stumbled along the beach, causing me to drop my gaze in embarrassment." Or something like that. XD

2.As I reached his house, I was too busy avoiding peoples’ curious glances, that I didn’t notice the car and van speeding out of the house.

You repeated the word "house." Van and cars don't come speeding out of the house. try, garage...or backyard. Or something other than house. XD

Overall, this was good. Those were really the only mistakes I found. But, again this is a fairly short piece, so it would be hard to find tons of mistakes.

Hoped this helped some. XD

Jamie

Hey Lucyy,
most of my critique is in the word document

Thank you both & i will take on board what you've both said & get to editing it right away!! & lol that's a very good point the both of you made about the cars & van ... i don't see many coming out of houses!! Haha anyway thanks again & hope you'll carry on to read the rest of the chapters i post from this!!

Lucy xx

I loved the way you started your Prologue. It gave me as a reader a gush of thrill and suspense for your work. I also appreciate the way you made things somehow "vague" which could help the readers think more critically and to raise questions which will drive the reader's excitement. But I noticed that you could improve more on your word choice and you can also somehow rephrase some sentences which don't really work well.

"I pull my jacket tighter around me, even though it’s thirty degrees, as if doing so will protect me from the curious stares and glances"
can be...

I enveloped myself with my jacket under the zenith of the sun unwanted to meet their cold stares.

Oh my god! I feel like crying! This preface gave me an idea what would happen next. I would like to know what she did wrong for her true love to go away but I guess I'll have to read more then. I just love how the preface had it that it went right through her thoughts and emotions especially the fallen tears. Maybe a little bit more of description of the scenery and home could help. Otherwise it makes want to read more! Great and awesome job!
-Merry

Heyyy,
first off sorry this is so late, things have been mad. Anyway I would ramble on but this is late as it is.

I stumbled along the beach, avoiding the glances of my neighbours. Judging me because of what I've become.

The glancing neighbours bit and the judging bit need to be one sentence if you want to keep it like that. Or if you want to keep it as two sentences add something before 'judging' like, 'I could tell they were judging me because of what I had become.'
Also oohhhh what she has become, interesting

I pulled my jacket tighter around me, even though it[s]'s[/s] was thirty degrees, as if doing so will protect me from the curious stares and glances.

Tense change here.

Ohh okay, you start in past tense with 'stumbled' in the first sentence, then the rest is in present? Just make sure you pick one.

They don't care how I feel having [s]being given evil looks[/s] people who don't even know me, judging me.

I didn't like the 'being given evil looks' bit. I'd reword it to something like the above.

I know it's my fault what happened happened, but it gives them no right to judge me, no right.

Okay, I think your trying to milk the whole 'her neighbours hate her' a bit too much now. I'd scrap this, it's much more affective when she drops her gaze and tells herself it's her fault in the next sentence.

and rapped on it loudly and urgently.

Pick either 'loudly' or 'urgently' I think it'd sound better with just the one.

now he and his family were avoiding me! What a mess. What was I going to say to him now?

Repetition of 'now' I'd change one of them to something different.

It was while thinking these thoughts

This sounds really weird, I'd just write something like, 'Whilst I was thinking'

I walked across the pebbled driveway, my flip-flops slapping noisily against the stones, [s]and [/s]over to the wooden fence.

I'd scrap the 'and' it isn't really needed.

Overall Comments
Okay, this is a LOT better than the first. I really liked it; really.
There's not really anything for me to say in this bit apart from watch you tenses.

Again sorry for the lateness of this,
I'm off to look at the first chapter now
Also I noticed you were part of the Twilight forum Eeeeeep, Breaking Dawn soon - do you live in America or England? If America, it's unfair that you get it two days earlier. If England, it's unfair that them Americans get it two days earlier.

Complicated101

While I liked it, there wasn't really anything to grab my attention and keep it. I was curious as to why they were all staring at her, but since you don't tell us, and just continued on with the girl's activities, I got bored.

Just curious, again. Why was half of the piece in Italics? They weren't thoughts; they were just more of the story. So why...?

As a beginning, it isn't bad. But again, nothing to want to make the reader to keep going. Or me, at least.

Good luck with your writing.

KJ

Thanks complicated 101, I'm glad you enjoyed it & i'll tidy up the bits that you pointed out & no worries about the lateness, because I'm a little late in looking as well
& I live in England & have pre-ordered the book, so can't wait to read it!! & i didn't know that Americans got it two days earlier, soo unfair hmm oh well, it's out at midnight today (:
By the way, what is your favourite book so far out of the three & what do you think of the film coming out??
Haha I've gone a bit off topic here, but oh well, Twilight can do that to you hehe
Speak soon & thanks again for your help on this (:

& KJ I'm sorry you didn't enjoy this, it's my first piece of writing I've done, so hopefully there's room for alot of improvement. & the reason this is in italics is because it's a past piece, whereas the rest of the story is in present, with a few chapters in the past, which are also in italics, do you get what I mean? It's a little complicated to explain, see you around,
Lucyy xx

Did someone say Twilight? *twitch 'cullen' twitch*
lol jk

I really liked your prologue. It flowed together really smoothly and captured my interest. It makes me wonder what she did exactly and why everyone who knows about it looks down at her. You already fixed all the errors that were here previously, but I just wanted to read it and now I'm goign to check out the next piece. I really want to know what's going onKeep Writing

~kiley

Heya, Lucyy! I saw this and it caught my eye so I decided to give you a review!

Hope this helps!

Prologue

I stumbled along the beach, avoiding the glances of my [s]neighbours[/s] neighbors; judging me because of what I’ve become.

I pulled my jacket tighter around me, even though it was thirty degrees [isn’t thirty degrees considered cold? If it is, then it would make sense about pulling her jacket tighter around herself. If you want it to not really connect, I would say that it was like eighty outside or something.], as if doing so would protect me from the curious stares and glances. They don’t care how I feel having people who don’t even know me, judging me. [this last sentence was kind of confusing. I know what you are trying to say but if you read it out loud, you’ll see what I mean. Maybe try something like this: They don’t care about how I feel; how I don’t like having strangers judge me without knowing me.]

I hurriedly dropped my gaze, tears stinging at the corner of my eyes. Stop it, I told myself angrily, it’s your fault they’re all staring at you, so just deal with it.

I carried on walking along the surprisingly litter-free pavements, not looking up until I’d reached the back gate of his house, which was always left open for me. I grabbed the rusted handle and pushed, but it was locked. I shouldn’t have been surprised really, like he’d leave it open for me after what I’d done. So, instead I made my way over to the impressively large front door and rapped on it urgently.
I must have stood there for a while, waiting for the sound of footsteps, but none came. Well, no matter, I’ll just wait until he comes back to talk to him.

Walking a lot slower now, I went over to the front garden wall and sat on it, burying my face in my hot hands. I knew it was going to be hard to talk to him after what I’d done, but now he and his family were avoiding me! What a mess. What was I going to say to him?

Whilst [I’m not sure “whilst” fits here. I’m not sure why…so I guess you can just ignore this comment ] I was thinking I heard the unmistakable sound of paper flapping in the light breeze. I sat up straight, looking around for the source of the noise and that’s when I spotted it – flapping happily in the breeze – trying to free itself from the fence it was sellotaped to.

I walked across the pebbled driveway, my flip-flops slapping noisily against the stones, over to the wooden fence. Instantly recognising the untidy scrawl of his writing, I ripped it off of the gate and slowly started to read it.

When I finished reading the letter, I collapsed onto the pebbled floor, tears streaming down my face as I realised that my true love was gone – and was never coming back.

That was the day my heart became a secret.

This was really good, Lucyy! You really caught the reader’s attention by this prologue. The only thing I would watch out for is the use of detail you have. I would try to include more. Like what does his house look like, how is the gate rusted, how does the letter look like, what does his handwriting appear to be. Stuff like that. By doing that, you bring the reader into your world, helping them to escape into your story.

Well, I am on to chapter one!

Thank you ashleylee for reviewing this - so kind (:
& by the way some of the spellings you pointed out, I spell different to you as I'm from England & also by thirty degrees, I meant thirty degrees celcius, which is pretty hot (for england anyway lol )
& thank you for the critique you have given me, it will come in very helpful when I get back to this story & alter it (I've kinda deserted it .. opps d: )
Thank you again,
Lucyy xx

God, this quite good dear! I'm very impressed by the way! I didn't notice all the other stuff people had commented so I'm presuming you've edited it so it's all gravy baby! Haha! Can't wait to read the other chapters so I'm gonna run and do that now....

PS - the first line was so good...that's what you need...something to hook the reader...good job mrs!

This is very intriguing
Nice use of detail and descriptions. I couldn't find any real spelling or grammar errors.
You do a really nice job at drawing people into the story, espcially with that last line.
Let me know if you update this please!

-Carly

Thank you both!! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this (: