How You Break My Heart (Chapter 6)

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(Nineteen years old)

“Bye Josie!”

I hugged Rosa tightly. She was much better off then she was three years ago, married for a year with a baby coming in a few months. I ruffled Layla’s blonde curls and moved on to mum, who was crying.

“I’ll miss you honey,” she sobbed. “Make sure you write to me all the time.”

I nodded. “Of course I will.”

Dave hugged my briefly, and I stepped into the waiting car, waving at Marshall, who waved back and sucked his thumb.

“Where to now, Jose?” my boyfriend, Nick, asked me.

“Dad’s place,” I said, and did up my seatbelt. I was going away with Nick for a year, traveling around Europe. Our first stop was a week in England, and then off to Scotland. I had met Nick when I was 17, and we had been going out for a quite a while.

“Here we are, babe,” Nick smiled at me expectantly.

I drifted away from my thoughts and turned to smile at Nick.

“Won’t be long,” I said, leaning over to kiss his rough cheek.

Ben was waiting outside with his four year old adopted sister Vera. I smiled at both of them and waved. Vera came running at me, and I caught her and lifted her up before she fell.

“Whose that, Josie?” she asked pointing to Nick.

“That’s my boyfriend,” I said. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Vera giggled and shook her head. “No silly, boys are grose!”

I put Vera on my hip and walked over to Ben. He squirmed as I kissed his cheek, and ran around the back. I went through the open front door to find my dads and Eliza.

“Hello? Dad? Eliza?”

Eliza stuck her head out of the kitchen and waved me in, smiling. I put Vera down and she ran into the lounge room to watch TV.

“You going now?” Eliza asked.

I sat down on a stool and nodded.

“Yeah, I am. Have you seen dad?”

“He’s upstairs, just getting ready.”

“Ready for what?”

Eliza looked at me strangely. “To take you to the airport of course!”

I picked up a cookie from the plate sitting on the table and bit into it. Outside, Nick beeped his car horn. I shifted my backpack on my bag and anxiously glanced at the doorway.

“Listen, Nick’s driving me, and once of his friends is waiting at the airport to take the car. I just came round to say bye.”

Eliza nodded and walked a few steps up, shouting for dad to come down, there had been a mistake and he wasn’t taking me. Dad came rushing down the stairs, wondering what was going on.

“We made a mistake, hon,” Eliza said. “One of Nick’s friends is going to the airport to take his car. Josie just came round to say goodbye to us.”

Dad frowned. “But we agreed that I’d take you.”

I shook my head. “I never said that. You just assumed that was what I wanted you to do.”

Me and dad began fighting ferociously until Eliza stepped in.

“Guys, stop it. Now! You’re acting like children,” she turned to dad. “Your daughter is leaving for a year and you’re fighting with her!”

Dad shot a cold glare at Eliza, but nodded, enveloping my small body in a hug. I felt a few tears land on my shoulder as I put my arms around dad’s big waist.

“I’m sorry Josie,” dad said. “It’s just, I really don’t know if I can let go of you like that.”

I patted dad on the arm. “It’s only for a year, I’ll be back before you know it.”

Dad smiled and kissed me on the cheek. I said goodbye to Eliza and rushed back outside, where Nick was catching up on his sleep in his car.

“Wake up sleepy-head,” I poked his arm. “You can sleep on the plane.”

Nick rolled his eyes and revved the engine, backing out of the driveway. We picked up his mate Gerad on the way, and then did the full hour’s drive to the airport, in which I had my iPod plugged into my ears as the boys discussed sport.

“We’re here Jose,” Nick said after finally finding a park. I stepped out and slammed my door. Nick grabbed our bags from the boot and threw the keys to Gerad.

“Seya in a year mate,” he grinned. Gerad nodded and got back in the drivers seat. I didn’t understand how boys could be so casual about leaving each other, my friends had thrown me a big going away party the night before and I ended up crying as I said goodbye to everyone.

“You alright?” Nick asked as we approached customs. My face paled, but I nodded. I had never been oversea’s, hardly ever in an airport, so it was all very new and scary to me.

“I’ll be okay,” I whispered back and handed over my ticket to be checked.

“Enjoy your flight,” the lady said after checking our tickets, and we passed through to find our gate.

Nick found it in a snap. This wasn’t his first time in an airport, in fact, he flew quite a lot. His dad worked for World Vision, and he often flew overseas for conventions and what-not, and half the time Nick joined him.

“So how does it feel to leave all your family and friends?” Nick asked when we sat down in the uncomfortable chairs.

I shrugged. “For mum and Rosa it was hard. But for dad… I don’t know. It was sort of great. Does that sound really selfish? I wanted to leave him?”

Nick put his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder.

“I don’t know. Maybe, after leaving you, you haven’t forgiven him properly,” he paused for a moment, “I really don’t know. You’re the one who did psychology.”

I nodded. It made sense. But I really didn’t mind anymore, life was better. Damn my subconscious!
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Yay for chapter six!! Very good as usual Rosie - just a few little things.

She was much better off then she was three years ago, married for a year with a baby coming in a few months.

You're info dumping a bit here so be careful. Try to incorporate this information along the way in another form.

“Where to now, Jose?” my boyfriend, Nick, asked me.

I sense an opportunity for some description here. Cut 'my boyfriend' and just leave Nick. Then, give some sort of description of the boyfriend, saying something to the affect of 'I looked over at my boyfriend, studying his strong jaw.......etc.'

Dave hugged my briefly

Me instead of my.

“Here we are, babe,” Nick smiled at me expectantly.

Sudden change in time, can you try and make this smoother?

Vera giggled and shook her head. “No silly, boys are grose!”

Aw, very cute! 'Grose' should be 'gross'.

I shifted my backpack on my bag and anxiously glanced at the doorway.

Doesn't make sense......'my backpack on my bag'. Consider rephrasing?

Me and dad began fighting ferociously until Eliza stepped in.

A bit sudden....can we have some description here? Set the scene a bit more.

“Seya in a year mate,”

Seya should be 'See ya'.

Good stuff Rosie, but this chapter seems a bit rushed. More description and general information is crying out to be had in this chapter.

Thanks for letting me know.

Keep it up, honey!

Alainna
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Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




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Apart form a few typos and grammatial things already pointed it, this was very good, as per usual! Lol! I bet you get bored with me making the same comments in each of your chapters but sometimes I get stumped!

One little issue I had with this particular chapter was same name dumping. It took me a while and a ot of effort to think back to who everyone was, and I'm still not convinced I've got it right!
Olivia
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If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
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