How You Break My Heart (Chapter 3)

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
(Ten years)

“Happy Birthday to you!”

I smiled in wonder as Rosa put down the cake in front of me. She had spent the entire afternoon making it, with some help from mum and Eliza, and I hadn’t been allowed in the kitchen. It was called a ‘Triple Chocolate Cream Cake’. Basically, it had a chocolate cake with a layer of cream on top, then another cake and cream, and another. In the top there were pieces of strawberry around the rim.

“It’s amazing,” I whispered.

“Hurry up and cut it,” Rosa complained, like she was a little kid again. “I’m hungry.”

I laughed and blew the candles out, making a wish.

“What did you wish for?” Olivia asked.

I shook my head and picked up the sharp, silver knife next to me. “I can’t tell you.”

Slowly and surely I cut into the cake, hoping it wouldn’t collapse. It didn’t, but it came out dirty. That meant I had to kiss a boy. There were only two boys in the room. Dad and Benny. I pulled the two year old onto my lap and kissed him on the cheek. Benny squirmed and wriggled out of my grip, so Eliza picked him up.

Mum cut the cake into seven slices and put them on plates. I got the first and biggest piece, and stuck my silver cake fork right into it.

“This is the most amazing cake I’ve ever tasted,” I exclaimed, making Rosa blush. “You have a talent.”

I quickly finished my piece, and regretted eating it so fast.

“Here, you can have Benny’s,” Eliza said, pushing his bit of cake over to me. I smiled and began eating, a lot slower than before.

Once all the plates had been taken into the large kitchen, Dad went to fetch my presents. Usually presents were done in the morning, but for my tenth birthday I wanted both my families to be together, so we had to wait for Mum to get to Dad’s house.

“Open mine first,” Olivia said, pushing a small package into my hands.

I tore off the silver wrapping and was left with a small box. Olivia motioned for me to open the box, so I carefully lifted the lid. Inside was an opal pendant. Carefully, I put the box down and flung my arms around Olivia.

“Thank you, thank you so much!”

Olivia laughed. “That’s alright. Turn the pendant over.”

I let go of my friend and did as she had instructed. On the flat side, someone had engraved into the silver, Friends 4eva. Happy Birthday Josie. I shakily put the pendant on and hugged Olivia again. Dad returned, carrying three sacks full of presents!

“Are they all for me?” I asked after getting my breath back. I had never gotten that many presents before, it was amazing!

Dad nodded and put the sacks down on the floor. Everyone moved away from the table. I sat down on the floor with Olivia next to me. Rosa leaned against the wall, smiling, and dad and Eliza sat together on a chair. Mum sat on the black couch with Benny on her lap.

I took out the first presents, from mum, and opened it up. There was three books, all from the Pony Pals series. I loved horses, and even though the Pony Pals series was a bit babyish, I couldn’t help but read them. The second present was from Rosa- a soft toy dog with a bone and blanket.

It took a while, but finally all the presents were opened. I had two piles of books, a few cd’s, three dvd’s and lots of vouchers and money that was in a new silk purse. Of course there were loads more, but there was so many that to list them all would take all day.

I smiled up at my family.

“Thanks guys.”

Mum put Benny down and gave me a warm hug. “I love you so much Josie, never forget that.”

I smiled and nodded, agreeing with her.

Everyone left after a while. It was late, so Dad sent me up to bed. Rosa, now twenty, followed me up. I climbed into bed while she looked at the photos on my shelf.

“Do you remember this day?” she asked, pointing to a photo of me and her. It was a school photo from two years previously. Rosa was sitting on a chair, with me on her knee. She later told me that I was squashing her leg.

“Yeah, I remember,” I said. “Why? It wasn’t a very important day. Just a normal school day.”

Rosa turned around. “It was Mum and Dad's anniversary, didn’t you know that?”

I shook my head, surprised. Mum hadn’t said anything after we got home. Rosa sighed and turned to face me.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter anymore,” she stopped and looked around the room, before sitting on my bed. “Do you remember that letter?”

I nodded. “Yeah, it’s in my top drawer. Sometimes- sometimes I look at it and imagine what life would have been like if this had all never happened.”

Rosa nodded. “Do you mind if I take the letter? I want to use it for an essay, for uni.”

I was puzzled. “What does law have to do with that letter?”

Rosa laughed. “I’m doing family law, Jose. It’s very important.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure. You can take it. Just- it’s important. Don’t lose it or anything.”

Rosa nodded and stood up, leaving the room after opening my drawer and taking the letter out. After the door closed I faced the wall, letting tears slowly fall out of my eyes and onto the white pillowcase. I could hear Rosa next door, scribbling away. I tried to fall asleep, but instead I was forced to listen to the sounds of my family. Benny crying, doors closing, Rosa typing. Hushed whispers from dads and Eliza’s room. Something being printed, doors opening and closing again. That’s what I fell asleep to. Those little noises that never seem to mean anything, but mean to much to me. The sounds that can just make you cry.
Last edited by chocoholic on Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
You might want to add some note that this is How You Break My Heart 2 (it is... isn't it?) Or if it is an edited version put (edit) at the end of the title, that way mods like me or others don't think you've double posted. I was a bit confused and had to take a look. ^_~
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Hey! Looks like you got no real crits here, and so I'm here now! Yippie! I love this story! So awesome. Now shush and let me read it!

*reads*

*is heartbroken*

Wow.

Wow.

This was amazing! Ok, you have seriously captured the perfect 10 year old. This chapter sounded just like one. Man, choco, you have got some talent!

I will leave the grammar stuff up to someone else; takes too long and I'm supposed to be in bed. But your story was worth staying up for.

I don't know what to say. This story is so simple, yet so amazing in the way that you present it with us. I dont know. Maybe I'm overreacting, but this is just amazing.

Choco, you have really got to finish this. Seriously. It's addicting to read.

I really love all of your characters. You have established an emotional connection with the reader; one of the most important things to do when you write.

Wow.

Wow.

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 410
This part was sweet.

(Ten years)

I still have a problem with how you write that!! I'm nagging, I know, but I think it's important that you change that.

It was called a ‘Triple Chocolate Cream Cake’. Basically, it had a chocolate cake with a layer of cream on top, then another cake and cream, and another. In the top there were pieces of strawberry around the rim.

I understand that you are writing from the perspective of a ten year old, however, this doesn't mean that your writing can become childish/ simple. Description is important; it would be soo much better if you describe the cake with vivid imagery rather than just a simple explanation. Also, 'in' should be 'on'.

Once all the plates had been taken into the large kitchen

Get rid of 'large'.

“Thankyou, thankyou so much!”

Thank you should be two separate words. If you want to emphasize the way she says it, then say she 'gushed' it or something to that affect.

Of course there were loads more, but there was so many that to list them all would take all day.

Sounds a bit like you can't be bothered to come up with and write about the rest of the presents.....

After the door closed I faced the wall, letting tears slowly fall out of my eyes and onto the white pillowcase. I could hear Rosa next door, scribbling away. I tried to fall asleep, but instead I was forced to listen to the sounds of my family. Benny crying, doors closing, Rosa typing. Hushed whispers from dads and Eliza’s room. Something being printed, doors opening and closing again. That’s what I fell asleep to. Those little noises that never seem to mean anything, but mean to much to me. The sounds that can just make you cry.

This is really good!! An expansion on it would be amazing and I think it would add to the story a lot.

Overall, this was very good and I'm looking forward to reading part 4.

Alainna
xx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6400
Reviews 497
*dances* Chapter Three! (The first time I typed that, it came out as "Chapter Tree.")

“Happy Birthday to you!”

I'd put the whole song in, for emphasis. Unless they're not singing? Meh.

“Hurry up and cut it,” Rosa complained, like she was a little kid again. “I’m hungry.”

*giggles* Nice characterization.

Slowly and surely and cut into the cake, hoping it wouldn’t collapse.

Do you mean "slowly and surely, I?"

I quickly finish my piece, and regretted eating it so fast.

Meep! Tense hopping. Should be "I quickly finished my piece." ;)

so we had to wait for mum to get to dad’s house.

Both Mum and Dad in this context are proper nouns. ;)

I tore of the silver wrapping and was left with a small box.

Typo! Should be "I tore off." ;)

“Thankyou, thankyou so much!”

"Thank you" is two words, love. =)

lots of vouchers and money that was in a new, silk, purse.

The comma after "silk" is totally unnecessary, and the one after "new" isn't entirely necessary either, but that one is your choice.

Everyone left after a while. It was late, so dad sent me up to bed.

Dad*

Rosa turned around. “It was mum and dads anniversary, didn’t you know that?”

Mum and Dad's*

“Yeah, it’s in my top draw.

Top drawer?

One thing that's starting to bug me is that every single one of these chapters seems to end in tears. Someone always ends up crying, and that's probably why I feel this is kind of cliched. Switching up your chapter endings might help.

On the other hand, your MC is still young and sensitive. Let's see if she changes later on in the story.

Another note, I don't feel like we're getting to see enough of the other characters. They all seem kind of flat, except for Josie. Give them a bit more of the spotlight!

*goes to read next chapter*

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1355
Reviews 197
This captures me more the more I read...and that says a lot...usually I would have lost interest by now...the things I would have said critique wise have already been said so I'll just make a brief comment, yet again....

I love the last paragraph in particular...the sound thing i really enjoyed...when you incorporate the senses it grabs the reader so much more easily as it is something they can relate to

Well done!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...



seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight