To cry.

Please review!!!!!

My dear sweet love,
I must leave you for now.
Although it kills me to do so,
I must go.
Know that I love you.
Always.
But too many people say that love is an empty word,
so I will try my best to describe how infatuated I am with you.

Do you remember the first time we met?
It was October and pouring rain.
You were wearing the ugliest raincoat ever made by man,
but you were still beautiful.
I fell down two flights of stairs when I saw you,
and broke my knee.
Destiny.
Throughout the pain scorching my bodice,
and the drugs being constantly pumped through my veins,
all I could think about was your face.
Your muffled voice as you asked me if I was OK.
And all I remember was when I woke up you were there.
Looking at me tenderly.
I felt like Juliet,
You were Romeo.
You helped me through my recovery,
you became my best friend,
for no reason at all.
I think you would agree when I say we clicked.

Do you remember the first time we kissed?
I do.
It was November and cold.
You came over to my place to watch a movie,
I burnt the popcorn and spilled my drink all over you.
You didn't care,
you just kissed me.
We were tougher for five glorious months,
you told me you loved me everyday.
I thought you were joking.

Do you remember when you popped the question?
I certainly do.
I thought you were cheating on me with my sister Lucy,
when really you were ring shopping for me.
You brought me to a fancy hotel,
and I broke up with you.
I said I knew what was going on and you laughed.
I was so angry I stormed off.
I refused to talk to you for three whole days,
they were the longest three days of my life.
You eventually got sick of trying to be romantic and screamed "Marry me!" across the hall.
I had never been happier in my whole life.

Do you remember when you met my Mother?
She told you, you were a useless skank who would never amount to anything,
I had never said I hate you to my Mom before,
until then.

Do you remember the wedding?
how could you forget.
We were saying our vows when my ex charged in with a gun.
He pointed it at your head,
I had never been more afraid in my life,
I took my gun out and shot him.
You were shocked,
so was everyone else.

Do you remember me running down the alter?
I don't know if you do.
You were in shock.
I sped off in my cousins car,
you in the passenger seat.
I drove to the safe place and told you who I really was.
You weren't angry,
you just accepted me and my heart was about to burst with affection.
You were the only person who knew, who understood.

Do you remember yesterday when I told you I had to leave?
you'd have to be stupid not to.
You cried and I cried,
and we hardly slept all night.
Then when you finally were asleep,
I took my bag and keys and wrote you this letter.
Telling you how much I love you.
After this I will speed off in my car,
change my identity and leave the country,
Until it's safe to comeback.
I promise you I will be back and will get married.
Just not right now.
Forever and always,
I love you.
(Please burn this).

I felt like Juliet,

You were Romeo.

Change the comma to a period - those are both complete sentences.

You helped me through my recovery,

you became my best friend,

for no reason at all.

Change the first comma to a period and capitalize the second "you," or change the comma to a semicolon.

You came over to my place to watch a movie,

Change the comma to a period.

You didn't care,

you just kissed me.

Change the comma to a period; capitalize "you"

We were tougher for five glorious months,

you told me you loved me everyday.

Same thing

I refused to talk to you for three whole days,

they were the longest three days of my life.

Period, capitalize "they."

You eventually got sick of trying to be romantic and screamed "Marry me!" across the hall.

That's the longest line in the poem; I would cut it to a second line somewhere in there.

She told you, you were a useless skank who would never amount to anything,

Take out the comma and add a "that" in between the two "you"s. Never heard of a mother calling a man a skank before. Interesting.

how could you forget.

Capitalize "how."

We were saying our vows when my ex charged in with a gun.

No mistake here - it just reminds me of the beginning of Kill Bill Vol. 2. XD

He pointed it at your head,

I had never been more afraid in my life,

Periods at the end of both of those lines.

You were shocked,

so was everyone else.

Add an "and" at the beginning of the first line or change the comma to a period and capitalize "so."

Do you remember me running down the alter?

It's altar with an "a." "Alter" means to change.

I sped off in my cousins car,

Cousin's

You weren't angry,

you just accepted me and my heart was about to burst with affection.

Change the comma to a period. Capitalize "you." I would make the second line into two lines.

you'd have to be stupid not to.

Capitalize "you'd."

I took my bag and keys and wrote you this letter.

Telling you how much I love you.

Change the period at the end of the first line to a comma.

After this I will speed off in my car,

change my identity and leave the country,

Until it's safe to comeback.

Add a comma after "identity," take out the comma after "country," and lowercase "Until."

----

Yeah, I nitpick a lot It's mostly just punctuation. It's nothing to be too worried about; I just have an OCD about it, LoL. I was about to say, "What bride just happens to have a gun on her?" but the ending of it made sense. It was very well worded, and I enjoyed it. Great job

This felt like a scene from a chick-flick, I liked it quite a lot. Guess the mistakes are already covered but I don't think there were that many obvious ones.

CrisCaraway wrote:My dear sweet love,
I must leave you for now.
Although it kills me to do so,
I must go.
Know that I love you.
Always.
But too many people say that love is an empty word,
so I will try my best to describe how infatuated I am with you.

first line is cliched, thats a terrible way to start a poem by describing love as "dear" and "sweet". pump some emotion into it. also, the last line is too wordy, sounds more like a statement than a poetic verse. the contrasts in that stanza do not blend and so it makes for a dry section.

Do you remember the first time we met?
It was October and pouring rain.
You were wearing the ugliest raincoat ever made by man,
but you were still beautiful.
I fell down two flights of stairs when I saw you,
and broke my knee.
Destiny.

comical, "i love you lots", etc. slightly boring, but for some reason I enjoy the realism that you place in this...it does make me think of a rainy night in which love accidentally blossoms under the canopy of water.

Throughout the pain scorching my bodice,
and the drugs being constantly pumped through my veins,

what does your bodice have to do with anything and what drugs are you talking about? you cannot just include descriptions in here if they dont tie into the rest of the poems, and the drug part really does not.

all I could think about was your face.

oh, more cliches.

Your muffled voice as you asked me if I was OK.
And all I remember was when I woke up you were there.
Looking at me tenderly.

the last line is a letdown. "tenderly" does not tell me anything, I cannot imagine a tender face. can you describe the smile, the way the eyes seemed to melt into yours, etc? that would make it much more appealing.

I felt like Juliet,
You were Romeo.

no no no no no. romeo + juliet are the two most cliched characters in the history of cliched characters. never ever use them unless you are being sarcastic somehow or are using satire.

You helped me through my recovery,

since falling down the stairs does not need substantial recovery, I am suspecting that this has to do with the aforementioned drugs. now i'm curious...

you became my best friend,
for no reason at all.
I think you would agree when I say we clicked.

please dont stuff in trite teenage phrases like "click", it mocks the lyrical qualities and profundity of your poem.

Do you remember the first time we kissed?
I do.
It was November and cold.
You came over to my place to watch a movie,
I burnt the popcorn and spilled my drink all over you.
You didn't care,
you just kissed me.

i actually liked this. i did. it breaks the usual cliche (as most of your poem is a cliche anyway, sorry) of feeding each other popcorn as you snuggle together or whatever. it shows a fresh new sense to the poem, much like the tripping down the steps that you mentioned earlier.

We were tougher for five glorious months,

tougher? i dont understand.

you told me you loved me everyday.
I thought you were joking.

um...why would you think that? the way the poem is going so far, it seems like you loved him completely too. then why would you think his love was a big joke?

Do you remember when you popped the question?
I certainly do.

good repetition with the earlier stanza.

I thought you were cheating on me with my sister Lucy,
when really you were ring shopping for me.

i dont care about your sister's name. in fact, i don't even care about your sister. just mention that you thought he was cheating while he was away, when in reality he was buying you a ring.

You brought me to a fancy hotel,
and I broke up with you.
I said I knew what was going on and you laughed.
I was so angry I stormed off.
I refused to talk to you for three whole days,
they were the longest three days of my life.
You eventually got sick of trying to be romantic and screamed "Marry me!" across the hall.
I had never been happier in my whole life.

so he never explained what he was going on those mysterious shopping trips? then why did you suddenly reconcile him like that?

Do you remember when you met my Mother?
She told you, you were a useless skank who would never amount to anything,
I had never said I hate you to my Mom before,
until then.

its okay, but reminds me of a typical B-class romance movie.

Do you remember the wedding?
how could you forget.
We were saying our vows when my ex charged in with a gun.
He pointed it at your head,
I had never been more afraid in my life,
I took my gun out and shot him.
You were shocked,
so was everyone else.

uh.

what?

okay, back up for a moment. there is waaaay too much information and revelation packed into this paragraph, and it makes it seem like you the author were trying to force in material that did not belong there. sorry, but this needs to be broken up into several stanzas, one for the wedding, another for the ex-husband and how the new couple felt, and a third about how you went all Zena the warrior princess on him.

oh, and the murder trial, that too. include that, because there's no way you're getting away with a shooting like that without at least an inquiry, which i'm sure caused you distress and should be mentioned.

Do you remember me running down the alter?
I don't know if you do.
You were in shock.
I sped off in my cousins car,
you in the passenger seat.
I drove to the safe place and told you who I really was.
You weren't angry,
you just accepted me and my heart was about to burst with affection.
You were the only person who knew, who understood.

i don't understand this. so...who were you?

Do you remember yesterday when I told you I had to leave?
you'd have to be stupid not to.
You cried and I cried,
and we hardly slept all night.
Then when you finally were asleep,
I took my bag and keys and wrote you this letter.
Telling you how much I love you.

why did you have to leave? you shot the ex-husband, so he's gone and there are no problems, right?

After this I will speed off in my car,
change my identity and leave the country,
Until it's safe to comeback.

ha. ha. ha. i apologize but this made me laugh and i dont really think you want that for such a dark romantic poem/story. changing identity...leaving the country...who are you, James Bond? dont sound like a spy unless the character is supposed to be one, which i doubt. make this section much more subtler.

I promise you I will be back and will get married.
Just not right now.
Forever and always,
I love you.
(Please burn this).

okay, now i am beginning to think that she really is a spy. the gun...the fleeing...the burning...it all comes together. if this is true...then disregard the statement I made in the second-to-last comment up there, because you really played it off well and made this a beautiful poem that came together with a twist.

i dont say this nearly as often as i should...but congratulations, this is the best poem i have critiqued so far here. i was kept in suspicion and disbelief the whole time so much that i began to think negatively about the poem as a whole, which is my fault and actually shows that your poem is supreme in stringing the reader along wherever you want him/her to go. that is impressive, although there are some things to be worked out like i pointed out earlier.

Wait. So she was a spy? Dude. Then why was she so clumsy? Why was she infatuated with this guy? I mean, from "Burn Notice," often spies would consider people to be accessories. So it really doesn't make sense, especially seeing how soppy romantic she's being and stuff. Spies wouldn't let their guard on too easily like that.

Maybe she's in the mafia?

I don't know. The ending isn't that good because we couldn't see it coming. The characterization seems all wrong, and it seems too contrived.

Try again?

I loved the emotion and the dramatic scenes that I could see in my head.
The mistakes have been made above.
I was kind of confused about when she shot her ex. But.. maybe I need to read it again.
Very good. I enjoyed reading it.

Beautiful, it was so tender and sweet, and i felt the pain of the person who was writing the letter. it was also such a shock with the thing with the gun, but i think the mix of sweet love and danger go togather perfectly, evenly. I loved the humor too, it was so funny, and it would be the perfect letter to write, it felt so real. there were a few spelling mistakes but i dont care about those loved it all

seems clichéd, extremely.

is it free verse? or prosepoem?

more definite and clear rhyme scheme needed. if not

uhh... why's the guy a skank? i thought skanks were promiscuous women..

the colloq. terms make it sound less spy-chic and more ... like a teenage 'spy'

*if not then uhh.. what type of poem is this?


oh and uhh the structure's a bit weird (if it's supposed to be a type of poem [structure-wise]}

okay first it is very confusing. Like the characters. I didn't know who was the guy and who was the girl because usaully it would be the guy being the person having to leave not the girl. Also The ending was also confusing because it didn't really fit in with the rest of the story or poem. This letter confused me totally. I think that you should work on it a little bit. Just read it over and see if anything catches your eye that you absolutely need too change. Don't change the whole thing though because I liked it other than the two problems that i saw. Please don't take this to offense.