Labyrinth snippit

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I kinda Freaked myself out while making this. This isn't your everyday frou-frou kids fantasy, because its supposed to be creepy. Please tell me what you think!!!


We tell fantastic stories of dragons, demons, and other make-believe creatures that give entertainment and wonder. The truths of these stories are now protected from us all. The truth of these myths is that they aren’t myths at all; they were creatures that wandered from their own realm and into ours.

Therhesis, A dimension parallel to ours is the home of all of our legends; Dragons hunt in the skies, the vampires lurk in the darkest corners, Krakens rule the seas. We have no way to enter that realm, but the Thersinians have full access to ours.

In Thersinian tradition, when their children reach their fifth year they must leave their homes and enter earth alone. Once they arrive at earth, they must seek out an earthen child to escort them back to their home. When the two children enter Therhesis, they are forced into a series of games and challenges that are all designed to kill the children.

If both of the children make it alive to the Thersinian child’s home, the Thersinian child is proved worthy and can stay a member of their families. If the earthen child dies, however, the Thersinian child will die a horrible death, doomed to wander Therhesis beyond the grave.

***

Laura was suddenly roused from her peaceful sleep by a soft melody whispering at the fringes of her hearing. She pushed herself upright, rubbing her eyes with her fists. She was about ten years old, with dirty unkempt honey pigtails that she had yet to remove since arriving in this strange world.

She looked down at the other two children who she had been sleeping next to on the hard wood of the empty cabin they had been staying in. One was a teenage boy who was just as filthy as Laura. He was very boyish in his features and was obviously beginning to suffer the effects of puberty. He was Laura’s brother, Blaire.

The other child was only five years old, with snowy corkscrew locks that reached past her shoulders. Her clothes were a sharp contrast to Laura’s and her brother’s modern attire, her dress was 15th century lacy bit that belonged on a porcelain doll. She was Kluke, a Thersinian child, or rather a child from a parallel dimension. They were all currently in Thersinia, trying to return Kluke home, as was tradition.

Laura’s eyes shifted focus, searching the room. The cabin was ancient, made up of only one room. The cabin was completely empty except for a single stool that was placed in front of the only window. Loose floorboards, pieces of blank paper, and bricks that had fallen out of the walls littered the floor. Laura listened to the sounds of the song, mesmerized.

Despite Kluke’s foreboding warnings that her realm was extremely dangerous, Laura was deliciously entranced by the siren call that the song possessed. She rose unsteadily, stumbling slightly at the lingering grogginess. She tottered unsteadily across the worn wood floors of the cabin, going to the door.

She paused, remembering the doll that Kluke had removed from the stool that morning. Not very long ago when the sun had set, the doll had come to life and had clawed at the window and the door like a mindless zombie. That disturbed her slightly, so she turned to the window.

Stretching up onto her toes, she peeked over the decrepit sill. The vista of the night was stunning. The weathered path that they had followed earlier wound through the forest looking like a silken ribbon. The pink tinted moon glowed in the sky like a tilted picture hanging in the sky, almost completely dominating the night, obscuring the winking stars. The thick bed of flowers in front of the cabin swayed slightly in soft fingers of wind.

Laura scanned the scene, looking for the Zombie-doll, and upon deciding that it was safe she proceeded to the door. Laura winced when the hinges of the rickety door gave a mournful shriek, and glanced anxiously over her shoulder.

Kluke hadn’t moved or flinched even the slightest, and Blaire shifted slightly with a snore building in the back of his throat. Satisfied, Laura continued into the night closing the door as quietly as she could manage. She stood, reveling in the melody that flitted in the air, slightly stronger now that she was outside.

The melody possessed the strangest sound of a beautiful, mysterious lullaby. The sounds made Laura’s skin rise in goosebumps and made pleasant sweeping tingles down her spine. Laura smiled softly, following the tempting sounds. She followed the lovely lullaby on the path, trusting her ears. The closer and closer Laura got to the source, it got louder and all the more beautiful. She paused on the path, staring at the source of the tantalizing lullaby that was standing in the middle of the road.

In front of her stood a man the likes of witch Laura had never seen. The man was easily six feet tall; one of his unnaturally long arms was lifted to hold a large cane, the back of his long free hand placed on a bony hip. He was wearing a neat suit that was busy with uneven black grey and white stripes, and a matching top hat. His suit reminded Laura of something Jack Skellington would wear.

But this man was wrong. His skin was blacker than charcoal, and his face was deformed. His head was an extremely round shape, and his face possessed no features. No eyes, no hair, no ears, no nose, nothing but a huge lipless smile that stretched to where his ears should be. His smile showed that all of his teeth were thousands of tiny fangs that weaved together unevenly. The edges of his smile were his lips would have been were curled and wavy, making him all the more menacing.

The creature’s horrifying smile was directed at Laura, and if he had eyes they would have been fixed on Laura. The melody played around the creature, begging Laura to come closer. Laura stared at the creature, trying to ignore the unbearably sweet layers of the lullaby.

“Who are you?” Laura whispered. The creature didn’t answer, continuing to smile at her. Laura repeated the question, louder now, but the creature made no move to answer.

Laura took a shaky step back, fingers of fear playing at her. The creature still didn’t move. Laura turned and lunged away, willing her feet to move her away from this place. After several feet she turned her head to peek behind her. The creature was slightly closer, though he had not appeared to move. She ran faster, fear finally making its full appearance.

Every time she peered over her shoulder the creature kept the same distance between them, still smiling and still no other evidence that it had moved a finger. She weaved through the forest, trusting the old dirt path to bring her back to the cabin. When she finally caught sight of the cabin, she forced herself not to look back and ripped the door open, flying inside and slamming the door closed behind her.

Blaire jumped at the echoing slam, and Kluke jerked upright. Laura leaned on the door, panting in fright. They instantly understood that there was danger from Laura’s frightened expression and leaped into action. Kluke grabbed Laura’s hand and roughly yanked her away from the door, surprising Laura with her strength that seemed at odds with her tiny frame.

Blaire leaned his weight on the door and clutched the handle, trying to prevent the attacker from entering the cabin. An adrenalin-soaked silence filled the air, so thick that it was almost tangible. Seconds ticked by, with no sign of pursuit.

The silence became uncomfortable, the sound of soft wind and trees swaying in the wind. The seconds stretched into minutes, the unbearable fear of the creature that had yet to make its appearance. Finally, Kluke broke the silence in her breathy baby’s voice.

“What were you thinking, Laura?” Kluke suddenly hissed, when she had apparently decided that it was safe. Laura stared blankly at Kluke, still too startled to speak.

“What happened?” Blaire added, moving hesitantly away from the door then dragging a heavy pile of bricks to block the door. Laura gasped suddenly, the shock of what had happened finally hitting her. They stared expectantly at her.

“The…. teeth, smile… followed-…Smiler!” Laura spluttered incoherently, gasping and shaking. Blaire and Kluke exchanged a confused look.

“The… Smiler?” Blaire asked, piecing the two words he had understood together. Laura nodded wordlessly, her mouth open in a small ‘o’. Kluke pushed the shocked Laura to sit on a raised plank of wood and spoke to her calmly.

“Laura, can you describe this … Smiler creature.” Kluke asked clearly in her soft but intense voice.

“He…It…” Laura swallowed unsure whether or not ‘he’ applied to the creature; “He had skin black as pitch, a top hat, a cane, and this terrifying toothy smile that covered almost all of his face!” She cried. Kluke and Blaire exchanged another look, shocked this time.

“Laura, did he do anything to you?” Blaire asked, concerned. He crossed the room to put his hands gently on her shoulders. Laura vehemently shook her head.

Both Kluke and Blaire relaxed. Blaire relaxed because his sister was unharmed, and Kluke relaxed at the knowledge that the earth-child that her life depended on was unhurt.
Why did you hit me?" he groaned groggily, blinking like an owl.

"Why are you in my bed!?" I countered, wriggling in embarrassment.




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Hey not bad, I enjoyed it. It actually reminded me of Steven King, have you ever read his novel "The Talisman"? Well it kind of had that sort of a feel to me. Good, few notes from me...

Little note but it should be "her dress was a 15th century lacy bit"

Okay I was confused by this next line as it seemed to happen very randomly and out of no where. You are great using metaphors and describing things so I would do that a bit hear. The song seemed to just come out of no where and seemed a bit force. Just me, but I would introduce it a bit, you know, she hears some wierd noise that is faint and it gets louder and louder... blah blah blah, until... "Laura listened to the sounds of the song, mesmerized."

Okay this is just me, but when you use the same word right in a row it kind of throws off the story a bit. You use great words over all but in this "She rose unsteadily, stumbling slightly at the lingering grogginess. She tottered unsteadily across the worn wood floors of the cabin, going to the door." Use a different word the first or second time, it will make it flow a bit better. Try one of these words erratically, precariously, treacherously, unevenly, you get the point. Microsofts Word Thesauraus tool is your freind LOL

Same as above "The pink tinted moon glowed in the sky like a tilted picture hanging in the sky" Try heavens or someting

Really liked this line, the image of "fingers of fear", ooo that was good "Laura took a shaky step back, fingers of fear playing at her"

I also loved the imagery of this "The pink tinted moon glowed in the sky like a tilted picture hanging"


Anyway I enjoyed it, and it is creepy so good job. Especially that man with his smile *shivers* you gave me chills!




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Alright well to begin with, I liked it, but I am having trouble gaging the agegroup it would be for. The dialogue and the setting seem to contrast a bit. "What were you thinking" the line that Kluke states in response to her flying into the room was a bit cliché and personally I would expect a more venomous statement for someone who's life hung in the balance. (That is, assuming these otherworldly children are a bit more mature than human children. It's hard to tell from what little background there is to work with.) Anyway, that may just be a difference in style above.

Horror is a funny topic to work with, but I think if you don’t have it dead on your getting close. The whole creeping out into the night and encountering a "motionless monster" was very well played, as was the escape. Again, this may just be a personal take but I would definitely try to squeeze a little more substance into the run back to the house, try to instill just a bit more panic. I got that crawling feeling for most of the novel that you get right before something terrible is about to happen. You know, creeping terror I think they call it. But it kind of died away the moment Laura got inside and the dialogue started. The mood just... changed.

Anyway, those are just things to note. Now onto the technical stuff. As the above stated, definitely try to find a way to alter your noun usage. I myself have some trouble with that but it makes a difference. I am not sure how many people will get the Jack Skellington reference, despite how relevant it is (and it does a good job) so if you want a broad audience you might want to take that out. I am personally terrible with spelling and grammar so I will leave those to someone else.

Overall, with the fixing of the double-word usage this could easily be sellable material. Perhaps not high-market, but at the very least capable of being published. With a little work, I could see this doing great. I write this review assuming that it is adolescents or older, otherwise disregard all of that fear-talk as it is completely irrelevant. Children scare easy.



The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler