Dust This Color

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 9
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey, everybody, this is my first story I've actually decided to attempt at completing fot the most part. I have a bunch of ideas jotted down and I basically picked out one I thought might have some potential. I was innitially going to finish it first, but I'm far too busy and lazy for that =P so here is my improv on my story. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with it yet.

"Mike, come take a look at this."
Those were practically all the words I could muster. The sand in my face felt like gravel being hurled at me from all directions. Back at the campsite I had prayed for a surgical mask to fall from the sky. That was the last time I would ever come unprepared for a dig. Out here the sand was cascading twice as hard. This time I barely noticed it.
How old was this inscription I held in my hand? What had dismissed it from oblivion to make it the only remnant of its lost city?
Mike squinted through the heat as he came to take the fossilized pendant from me. His eyes bulged.
"Wow."
He brushed away some sand from the tablet, raising it to his face so that it was centimeters from his nose.
The carvings on it had to be over three thousand years old. Yet by the look of it, it could have been an escaped piece of a plastic prop straight out of Jurassic park.
"Mia," Mike read slowly, trying to decipher the archaic writing in English. The language's cuneiform was that of ancient Roman, as we were on the outskirts of Pompeii.
I took the artifact back, holding my treasure closer. This was obviously something that should have been recovered years ago. And now that it was found, I should have been taking better care of it.
I couldn't help myself. There was a connection I had with this lone piece of scrap life among the dead. What had caused it to last when so many other artifacts had been destroyed? what kept it alive?
"Mia," I repeated slowly to myself, "Mia."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stared at the cliff in front of me. No, not a cliff, I thought, Anything but cliff. Look at the sky. I tilted my head upward. The sun blinded my eyes, filling my cheeks with a crisp, warm light. The sky was beautiful today. So blue. And the water, so clear. I bet I could see all the fish if I looked down. Which I wasn't going to do. No downward motions at all. I wouldn't even put my arm down. It would stay up. So what if it fell asleep lifted above my head like some overexcited schoolgirl? I was not looking down. The higher the better.
"C'mon!" Jaelyn was down in the water waiting for me. Of course. What else were little brothers for other than pressuring you into things you didn't want to do?
Blackmail. That was it. The other thing they did. Of course, he just wanted to hear my shrill scream as I jumped off the cliff like a suicidal goat. But after that morning of bringing the entire neighborhood into my room to hear me snore, i wasn't sure there was anything he wasn't capable of. But he would not have this power over me. I would get him back. He was so dead.
I took a deep breath and ran toward the edge.
I ran until there was nothing more to run on. Then I was running through the air, my legs kicking purposelessly as I plummeted downward.
I tried to kick away the falling sensation in my stomach, but my legs merely flailed around instead.
Finally, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hated myself for giving my brother this satisfaction. My scream burst from my lips and most likely rippled the water. Half a second later, I hit it.
Ouch.
I probably should have thought about a proper landing.
I surfaced to an eruption of laughter.
Jaelyn, floating on his back like a vacationing elder, couldn't even look at me as he gasped for breath between guffaws. Were those...tears? Oh, God. No, it was definitely from my splash hitting the water. Surely.
"All right, cut it out," I'd had enough for one day. My legs were turning red from the water's impact. Jaelyn kept on laughing-kept on destroying any self-diginity I had left.
I got out of the water and wringed out my hair. The places where it stuck to my back looked like long black feathers that had been caught in a typhoon.
Finally Jaelyn's hysterics subsided.
"You should have seen yourself! You should have herd it, Mia! One day I am going to make something to repeat it! It'll be called the Mi-a-screamer! 'Ahhh!' He mocked my high-pitched yelps, splashing around in the water like a drowning cat.
I scowled and looked around the shore for some bystander. Down by the rigid rocks stood Masai. I gulped at the picture before me. Masai stood atopt the highest pointed rock on the bank, his back toward where I was standing. His golden-brown hand touched the tip of his brow, shielding him from the long rays of the sun that were illuminating his lean figure. His long black hair blew in the slight breeze.
I was such a pathetic drooler.
Masai turned from the sun, climbing down the rock from his ocean-view. I saw his eyes glint up toward me. He waved.
He waved.
At...me? I subtly checked my peripheral vision. No one.
Then the nerve endings in my arm remembered the polite, usually socially acceptable form of returning this greeting. I waved back.
Did he see my little cliff-diving incident? More like cliff-falling. I looked down at my legs. They were a full-blown blood red now. Well, I sighed, if he hadn't seen it, I'm sure he'll guess it now.

OK: I'm tired now so maybe I'll finish up later. So far this is not very good but I promise I will make it better!
Last edited by p0lishtheworld on Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 9
Blah-I don't know what's going on with the italcizing..? And I can't figure out how to edit.
And it's really bugging me how in the beginning it should be "remnant" instead of "remnants."
And then how after that I say "artifact" too many times in one paragraph.
Sorry-just had to say that. It's bugging my like crazy.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1390
Reviews 69
Ok, first of all, I gotta say, this is great! You have a unique writing style, and it alone keeps me interested.

"The sand in my face felt like gravel being hurled at me from all directions. Back at the campsite I had prayed for a surgical mask to fall from the sky."

"Jaelyn, floating on his back like a vacationing elder, couldn't even look at me as he gasped for breath between guffaws. Were those...tears? Oh, God. No, it was definitely from my splash hitting the water. Surely. "

Those are dang creative. Dang. Ok, so I'm pretty much in love with your style of writing now. I'll be following you like a little puppy from now on. Hope you don't mind.

Two things:

A few times you have a mistak ewhere the last letter or two are attache dto the next word. To keep this from happening, i'd recommend reading your story backwards before posting, just to look at the words instead of the story that's now ingrained on your mind. It's nothing awful, of course, just a bit annoying. :wink:

The italics were a bit confusing. It seemed to me you were doing a flashback, correct? Maybe you could make that a bit more clear. To do this, you could either make the whole flashback in italics or none of it (minus the main character's thoughts if that's how you fly.) When you switch back and forth with the italics, it makes it seem like the flashback is switching back and forth too.

Of course, if i misunderstood, please disregard my senseless babble. :D

PM me if you have any questions or anything!
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero



What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice