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Chapter 1 (check it please)

Firestalker · 2007-05-13T16:32:33Z

This the first chapter of my book please check it and correct it in. Chapter 1 Chriss It was midday in Felon. Felon was a small village in the middle of New.k a large continent. Even though Felon is surrounded by other cities and towns Felon was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements. They get essential resources like salt from the magicians. Chriss was up in his home up in a tree house, at the north edge of Felon. It wasn’t much of a house, it had a bed a table and a large drawer all stuffed in the only room in it. Chriss ate at Eddie’s house so he didn’t need to cook or eat in his tree house. His tree house was made on the branches of an oak tree. His mother had got the villagers to make the tree house and then one day she had left him alone in the tree house. She had left letters on almost everyone’s doors. Once Chriss became seven the villagers had given the tree house to him to live. It was hard for a fifteen year old boy to find a job in New.k (name of the country). He didn’t need money yet because unlike other towns in New.k almost everything was free for citizens under the age of twenty three, but Chriss knew that when he was older he would need all the money he had to make a living. Unlike other children Chriss only liked to do a handful of things like magic, boating and exploring, but unluckily the magician’s guild was for children over sixteen only and even then you had to have special qualities and there weren’t any boating schools in Felon because it was not even close to the sea or a large tank. It was next to the unexplored dangerous Nwens which was full of paranormal and mythical creatures. So the only thing Chriss could do was exploring. Chriss’s real name is Christopher Kingsley, but Christopher was always called Chriss by his friends and enemies so he made it his nickname. It took time but he finally mastered the clever fighting arts of zizan and fighting with his daggers. Chriss always wanted to have a sword but for citizens under the age of twenty three it was illegal, but even when he learnt to fight with his body Chriss could not fight against his enemies the bully’s. When Chriss was ten years old he had made solemn oath that he would become friends with a Ghost, but once he grew up he learnt that the citizens in Felon despised Ghosts and other mysterious creatures, but even then Chriss did not give up he still waits for the chance to find the Ghost. “Chriss! .... Chriss! .......where are you lad? I’ve got a job for you and I’m willing to pay you” came a rough voice which Chriss instantly recognized it to be Mr. Jarvis’s. Chriss’s eyes brightened it wasn’t usually that he got a job for money. “What is it Mr. Jarvis?” Chriss asked climbing down the tree house as fast as he dared “well…I’d like you to get these bags of cloud flour to Eddie’s shop” replied Mr. Jarvis “I’ll pay you five dollars if you do the job well”. Chriss’s face turned pale Eddies shop was the only bakery in town it used to be on tree road just next to Chriss’s tree house, opposite to Mr. Jarvis’s shop. But later Eddie thought of moving it to Prigs Street. Chriss had to carry two sacks of cloud flour up hill then turn right to Prigs Street and walk until he reached Eddies shop. Luckily for Chriss the flour he had to carry was not normal flour it was cloud flour. Cloud flour is a kind of flour made by adding some chemicals found in clouds to the flour which makes the flour light like a feather, but the reason Chriss’s face tuned pale was that he had to pass the bully’s’ house which belonged to the most ruthless bully’s in Felon and their half mad parents. The bully’s favorite children to bully were Chriss, Colin and Zack. Zack’s whole name is Zackuin Wilson but since it sounds like a girls name he introduces himself as Zack. Zack was very fearless (but not stupid to fight the bully’s) and forward. Colin on the other hand didn’t talk much except to Zack; he is a very smart boy and is so secretive no one in Felon even knows his full name. Surprisingly, even though they had much in common Chriss wasn’t friends with them. Chriss didn’t have any proper friends of his age since he was shy, secretive and silent sometimes (mostly in school) Chriss’s friends were hypothetically the imaginary characters in books. Sometimes when he talks to his imaginary friends he drifts into an imaginary dream world. Even though Chriss might get pulverized by the bully’s Chriss couldn’t say no to a chance like this so taking a deep breath he said “yes, I’ll do it Mr. Jarvis” So Chriss taking the money and sacks walked up the street. Once Chriss had sighted the bully’s house he started muttering “Their not here, their not …..” But Chriss could not finish what he was saying for suddenly a bully shouted “well look who’s here Master. Dumb where are you are going Master. Dumb of Foolishton?” But Chriss did not answer he just kept walking up the street “I said where are you going?” asked the same bully but this time his voice was harsher. Like always anger rose in Chriss’s mind and heart, but this time Chriss felt something snap as if his time had finally come. Before he knew what he was doing and to the bully’s surprise Chriss turned back and shouted “It’s none of your business where I go you downright dimwitted bully’s so just shut up and mind your own business” realizing what he had done Chriss started running for his life. The wind pushed towards him stopping him from running as fast as he could. He could feel himself slowing down. Chriss then heard a familiar rig of a bicycle bell and then it struck him. He knew he could run faster than the fat bully’s but they had automatic electric powered bikes with mini computers attached to them so the bully’s could stop the bikes by saying stop or start the bikes by saying start. The bike was voice activated so if some one else tried to ride the bikes they would be thrown out of the seats. What was worse than all of these things were that when the bully’s peddled the bike at a specific speed the bike would peddle itself until they changed the speed again. Pretty soon the Bully’s caught up the Chriss “so we’re dimwitted eh…well dimwit this!” shouted the biggest bully named Jhon. The bully’s punched Chriss in the chest followed by another 5 punches. 20 minutes later the bully’s teasing left Chriss with a black eye lots of bruises, his t-shirt ripped near the sleeve and his whole body aching. Luckily for Chriss he was used to being bullied so it didn’t hurt him like it used to. The bully’s were bullies and not thieves so they didn’t even glance at the cloud flour bags. “Well….off I go to Eddie’s shop” sighed Chriss taking the cloud flour bags lying near him untouched and unharmed. Chriss walked the rest of the distance muttering curses to the bullies under his breath. The only thing we need to fear is fear it self

Reuben A

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Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:18 am

Reuben A says... · Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:18 am

'Felon was a small village in the middle of New.k a large continent. Even though Felon is surrounded by other cities and towns Felon was almost completely isolated from the surrounding settlements.' Here you go from past tense to present tense, I think you should keep to one tense. Otherwise, I find the story interesting, and can't wait for more.

So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?

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