echo

This was poem I had as an idea for a long time ago. I rewrote the poem, and not sure if it was better or worse, Please give me back any critique, would be greatly appreciated~~

Version 2
In the middle of the night
I would scream until my throat was raw
and shout
"Why weren't you ever there?"
into the storm
and let the gale snatch it away
some place where no one is around.

I would cry
into the rain,
and let it run down my icy cheeks
tossing my umbrella away,
I would lie on
wet concrete
and cry
mute
silent tears.

I would play my drums
and pour all the
anger, frustration
and hurt
until my hands were numb
and my ears rang
with an echo
of my emotions.
when my heart
had no more emotions to give
I would collapse on the
rooftop floor.

Next morning when I was woken by
the glaring sun on my face
I would leap off the ground and feel
lighter than before


Version 1
Sometimes you just want to scream
just want to shout
"Why weren't you ever there?"
into the wind
and let the gale snatch it away
some place where no one is around.

Sometimes you just want to cry
into the rain,
and let it run down your icy cheeks
tossing your umbrella away
and cry
mute
silent tears.

Walking down the road
fit for one
until
some car nearly runs you over
"get off the road you stupid bitch!"
you hardly notice.

Walking these shadowfeet
no direction
just one step
and another step
motion
just so you don't have to stop and
think

the smokey film
has already started to
creep recesses
of your mind

Fighting to gasp
the slippery
carps
of memories

No!
its already
starting to ice over
a silky film
over each memory
fogging up
the looking glass.

Why is the forgetting starting
so soon
just after he was
killed.

~I re-edited it to sound more personal rather than distant

Hello and welcome to YWS!

I love overdramatic poetry, so this might just be me, but the more you can milk it, the happier I am. You've already done a lot of imagery stuff already, so that's completely awesome and I love it (although, I must admit, the carp thing was a little too much for me, lol. ). Still! Some good stuff in here.

There are a couple of things I would tweak, if I were editing this poem. I wouldn't say "sometimes you want to--" and then with the action and the description of the action. Instead, since poetry is where the unimaginable becomes real, I would make it so that the narrator actually DOES scream into the wind, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" and such. It would make it much more intense and it would connect a little bit better with the reader, since this isn't just the narrator imagining things but it's Truth.

I would stick with one of the images that you had early on and then expand from there. The other stuff seems to wander from your initial thoughts, so it doesn't really connect with each other. And the ending doesn't really follow. It never crosses our minds that somebody died, so when we find out, it's not really a shocker or cringe worthy. It just is, and that's not overly dramatic enough for me.

Anyway, theer you go! Hope that helps.