Drops of Summer

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I sat there on the bed with her. We were both quieter than usual. We were carefully playing out our last scenes of the Game before she left for the summer. I looked at the clock. Fifteen minutes were left before we were to leave. We set up the plot so that when she came back we could still play off of the time lost.

When we finally did get in the Suburban we climbed in the back seats farthest from the front. We did that intentionally so we could play the Game comfortably. She hooked up the walkman to the cigarette lighter and put in a CD. I think it was the 1999 Grammy Awards CD. Because I remember hearing "Save Tonight" repeatedly.

We ran by the gas station. I saved one of my paychecks for the trip. It was about $120.00. So we went in and we must have spent at least $20.00 on candy, juice, chips, and soda. It was unspoken but we both knew that there would be no sleep that night. We still had so much more to build on in the Game. We needed to use every minute we had. Besides, I couldn’t sleep. I was too anxious.

Driving first down to Chico in the dark we were still pretty quiet. We whispered the whole time. It was exciting and heart wrenching at the same time. She’d be gone for two months at least and I was powerless. Summer was meaningless.

By the time we reached Chico we were well off. We had Tom turn up the music loud enough so that he couldn’t hear us talking to each other. The speakers in the back were blown out so we could hear each other just fine. Tom had to keep his eyes on the road so we could do just about anything in the back of that car. Still we were careful. I didn’t want to think about what would happen if we were caught on a night like that. What would Tom do? To me especially.

We held hands the whole way down. She fell asleep on my shoulder. It was hard to remain in character knowing that I wouldn’t see her for close to two months. I realized how little a time frame that really is to most people. A friend will surely miss a friend if they leave for that long but most of those friends don’t revolve around each other. It hurt me to know that she didn’t feel the same way about me. We lived together. We took showers together. We slept together. We spent every possible moment with each other. I had lately thought about the true definition of a friend and found that it would never be defined with such passion as what we had. I remember looking at her that night while she was asleep on my shoulder and dreading the thought of ever loosing what we had. It was that night I really realized that I loved her.

Another gas station and a couple more pounds of junk food. We ran around the 7/11 in the dark feeling drunk on sugar and acting like it was our last day alive, drinking chocolate coffee creamers straight.

We were driving through San Francisco with Tom Patton so of course we got lost. We were laughing at him the whole while. We drove up two or three one-ways. The wrong way. Some prostitutes on the street corner were laughing at us too. Tom ended up pulling over and asking some guy for directions.

San Francisco was such an odd place to me. I didn’t think so many people would be awake at that hour (4:30am, I think). And the people down there are so unpredictable.

We were driving up on the freeway when Tom tells us that if we go to the airport now we’d be three hours early. And who wants to be three hours early? So suddenly he pulls off the freeway and we end up finding an I-HOP. We ordered trays of pancakes. She ordered pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream while I ordered chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate syrup. Breakfast never tasted better. I was afraid to look at the clock and realize that it was time to go. I was hoping that maybe we’d loose track of time and the plane would leave without her. But no such luck.

Back on the freeway we were once again looking for the airport.

Another odd thing about San Francisco and one I certainly didn’t expect is that it smelled nice. I was up for a change that summer. Anywhere but Westwood was somewhat of a paradise. I was happy to be down there and happy to see time left on the clock.

We drove into a large parking lot next to the bay. Tom told us to give him a bit of time to sleep. We still had two hours left.

We got out of the car and found a walkway along the shore. We didn’t know where it would lead us but we followed it anyway. By now the sun was coming up and the rest of the city was rising. Across the bay we could see the airport. Seeing the planes take off I grew desperate. “You don’t have to go,” I told her. “We can just keep walking this road until someone finds us.” She laughed. “We can say we got lost or something.”

“I can’t do that,” she finally said although she did seem to consider it for a while. I thought about it too. Being lost in San Francisco. Just her and me. It would be fabulous. What an adventure! I knew there was no way we’d get away with it though.

Thinking we should probably be heading back I gave up the idea of her staying. When we got back to the car Tom was still asleep. We came to a bridge that stood over the shallow part of the bay.

Suddenly I realized that we weren’t in character. I would probably not get another chance like this. As we stood there in silence overlooking the bay I murmured, “I love you.” I don’t think she could find the right words to respond. Here she was, 13 years old, my niece-by-marriage, shockingly beautiful, smart, and creative. Here I was, her fifteen-year-old Aunt-by-marriage, obsessed, flawed and her best friend who may have just taken the Game too far. She found herself facing a truth that her best friend, a girl and a member of her own family, loved her. And not as I should but romantically. I wonder if she believed me. I know she heard me. I still wonder if she feels the same way. What I do know is that she didn’t reject me but she has simply put me to the side. I’ll give her all the time she needs to think it over. Every so often I will remind her of what I am and what she is to me.

Tom woke up and we rushed off to the airport. Running through the airport through all the wrong gates and security, checking tickets and ID we finally made it to the waiting room. We found a Starbucks and split a cappuccino. I was exhausted but not nearly willing to sleep. I was crying by then. I couldn’t help it. Finally I took her hand and we ran back down the long wide hallway that lead to the plane. I lead her to a room full of tourist information that of course nobody was in. There was a big table in the middle and we hid ourselves behind it frantically playing out the last scenes of Game before her plane departed. Why does it always feel like I will never see her again? I didn’t dare kiss her in public. It was against all of the rules even in such a place as San Francisco. Rejection hurt too bad to risk it.

We heard the speaker say her plane was checking passengers on. She reassured me that everything would be okay and that we’d stay in touch all summer long through email and 5-hour-long phone calls. Just like last summer.

We ran back to the end of the hall. They soon called her name and I felt myself breakdown. I was ashamed for it. She said her goodbyes to her dad and at a last moment she grabbed me and took me behind a thin pole right next to us that was barely thick enough to hide the both of us and quick as lightning but just as effective I felt her kiss me on the cheek. Just as quick and almost in reaction I undid the necklace around my neck and put it in her hand. Then she ran to get on her plane before anyone noticed how long she was taking. I could just barely see her figure get on the plane. My eyes were so clouded with tears and drowsiness.

I could feel Tom beside me and I shivered. Of course he must have known what was between us but we’d never given him a reason to say anything. I only feared what would happen if he did speak up. I was too weak and too addicted to ever lose her. I wasn’t stable enough.




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wow...

thats really good..

but whats the Game? thats the one thing I didn't get.

But I liked the way it was written, the description and the like. It was good.




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drinking chocolate coffee creamers straight.

haha me and my friends do this a lot too.

This was really well written. I really liked it. Good descriptions




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It was unspoken but we both knew that there would be no sleep that night.

You need a comma before but.

Driving first down to Chico in the dark we were still pretty quiet. We whispered the whole time. It was exciting and heart wrenching at the same time. She’d be gone for two months at least and I was powerless.

Commas after dark in the first sentence and after least in the last. I also didn't like how at least was before two months.

The speakers in the back were blown out so we could hear each other just fine.

Comma after out.

Tom had to keep his eyes on the road so we could do just about anything in the back of that car.

Comma after road....

A friend will surely miss a friend if they leave for that long but most of those friends don’t revolve around each other.

Comma after long.....

Sorry, I feel like the comma police. The main rule is that if it's a compound sentence with a conjuction and two different subjects and verbs, then it needs a comma. There's more than I put on here; if you want them, just let me know.

San Francisco was such an odd place to me. I didn’t think so many people would be awake at that hour (4:30am, I think). And the people down there are so unpredictable.

I found this kind of random. Maybe incorporate this into other paragraphs.

Ok, so I'm not going to lie. I was a little bored in the beginning because I don't know what The Game is, but when I got towards the end, I was captivated. I never saw it coming, and it made me love it even more. The story line was great. If you could just fix the grammatical errors, it's quality would be so much better. Good job. Keep writing. (Sorry about the red instead of the quote boxes. I couldn't my quotes to work)




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That's sad. You wrote this so very well and you start reading and get pulld in before you even know it. Great job. :)
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective




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This is really good, one of the best things I've read on this site. I love the poingant sadness. It's so powerfully detailed, and the reality blends nicely with the narrator's thoughts (though there were a few places where you explained what was going on, when I felt that the reader should just have been left to draw their own conclusions. On the whole, though, you struck that particular balance very nicely; that's one of the hardest things to get right, I think.) I loved the idea of the Game, and staying 'in character'. I liked the way you never explained who Tom was, or his relation to anyone (it just seemed more subtle). The best part was the way the narrator is the one confused, caught in emotional turmoil, and the other person is the one deemed perfect and right. Rather than a defensive attitude, this reads almost as a confession, but not as self-pitying or ashamed, just honest. The narrator's openness both as a narrator and a character (she seems so open to injury) is moving, and no human being could read this and not relate. Well done.
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




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Hello rosethorn.

We had Tom turn up the music loud enough so that he couldn’t hear us talking to each other.


You introduce Tom rather suddenly. This is kind of strange as I had the impression that it was only the narrator and her friend up until this point.

We ran back to the end of the hall. They soon called her name and I felt myself breakdown. I was ashamed for it. She said her goodbyes to her dad and at a last moment she grabbed me and took me behind a thin pole right next to us that was barely thick enough to hide the both of us and quick as lightning but just as effective I felt her kiss me on the cheek. Just as quick and almost in reaction I undid the necklace around my neck and put it in her hand. Then she ran to get on her plane before anyone noticed how long she was taking. I could just barely see her figure get on the plane. My eyes were so clouded with tears and drowsiness.


I like the idea to the ending, but it isn't effective in execution. The actual climax of the kiss and the passing of the necklace is lost within several other actions and descriptions that aren't integrated to build the ending.

Overall limpressions:

Hrmm. I felt the piece had some good ideas, but didn't have enough manipulation of writing techniques and depth to make it as effective as it could have been.

I noticed that Tom didn't seem like a character, he was simply mentioned, that's all. This isn't a problem as the piece is focused on the two girls, but since the writing is more focused on a diary-esque run through of the day's events, the characterisation on the whole is weak.

Also, because of the constant play by play of events, the piece is missing insight. It's quite straightforward in its meaning and doesn't really provide any new ideas.

But I was interested in one thing. Why are they such close friends?

If you are going to redo this (which I hope), I suggest that you focus on that question and build it up to a theme. What are you trying to say about friendship/love? Is it a good or bad thing?

It's ok as it is, but if you want this to impress your english teacher, then you need to focus the narration on the relationship, not on the details as to what they were doing.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love