The Great Grand Hall of Higher Fairness and Justice (p. 2)

deleted

Life is okay Thanks for asking.

Okay, so my main problem with this was - not grammar, as you stated - but sentence structure. Oh, it was all correct and all, don't get me wrong, but many were extremely similar to the one before/after it. Most were long, with a few comma breaks, and this would have been way more enjoyable with more varied sentence structures. Throw us off; make one short! I had trouble concentrating on the story because of this nasty S.S.

Here's an example of that too-long sentence structure:

He was just opening his lips, for such happiness could not be contained and had to be spread – his client had been attacked magically not once, not once but twice, which was clearly the result of either governmental inability to protect de Saindon, or that government’s itself desire to harm her, and an obvious solution to the mentioned problems was to seek financial compensations and a political asylum in some other kingdom – when the man stopped dead, his mouth suddenly clamped shut.

Woah. Can you believe that's all one sentence? See what I mean? And I'm not sure if it's a typo or just part of a name in the de Saindon? I'm guessing a name, so ignore this, please.

There was just one more thing, but I don't know if you'll take this into consideration: The writing style. Now, I've read much of your work, E, and I know you can do better than this. Your language can be beautiful, and there are some lovely details in this - but this doesn't do it for me. I know you can do better, girl! I love feeling like I'm in the story, but this was sort of stand-offish and... cold? I mean, I didn't really care what happened to the characters. i suggest more development, as I believe you mentioned in your PM, and more dialogue. I want to get to know these people so I care about what happens to them.

There's probably more, but I'm having a horrid day and my brain is pretty much dead. So I hope this vague critique helps, if only a little....