Luanna's story so far

Thanks for all the feed back Kaylyn JabberHut and Esmeits really appricated.
i think this needs a full re write so hopfully when ever i get time i can improve this
x

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I foraged in the backstreets of 22nd century madness, hopelessly it seemed searching. The quick rhythmic tapping of rodents feet anxiously running from my presence cruelly taunting me with hunger. As they dashed towards their little holes in the world hiding far from capture, I guilty thought about tearing each small scraggy piece of meat from their bodies, and stuffing the raw flesh into me. Seizing that moment of repungent craving I darted to where they has disappeared into the ground and began to blindly claw at the dormant earth. Digging down with clammy hands longing to penetrate their cavern, forcing chunks of mud and slim apart desperately hoping to snare an animal. I could feel my eyes bulging, ravaged by the maddening relentless desire. This avid flare of basic yearning sickened me, willing my stomach to wrench up what was left of its meager contents. I marvelled at my present state, wretched torment shaking my body, rendering me desperate enough to grope after unseen creatures. These pathetic sobs example of my feeble self pity and vulnerability. Wishing not to give into the trembling weakness i fought to regain what dignity i had left, roughly pushing the muck from my hands, turning instead to walk on seeking something edible.

After wondering without any clear direction for a long while (the moments unclearly blending into hours) I happened across a small plant hung loosely with a few blessed berries. My relief was overwhelming at the sight of these juicy red beads. Advancing closer, quickly bridging the gap between myself and my prize. Built up desire blurred my body, primal instinct spurring me on faster than before. But i was cruelly struck, stopped in my tracks as a stout factory drain pipe came into view leaking a foul gunk around the plant. My conflicted urge for anything to fill my body threatened to overcome my common sense. Hovering about the retched pipe whilst it seeped reeking goo, my fingers clutched together itching to grasp at the jewelled fruit, forming white marks where they pushed the blood from the skin. My stomach so limp and empty persistently demanding to be full, forced me to give way. They were indeed to easy a morsel meal to decline.

I knelt on the black brick cobbles my flimsy dirt ridden skirt enveloping my legs. Each single gem tempting me, as I imagined the sharp tang of juice hitting my tongue. I grasped every last gluttonous berry and stuffed them one after the other, liquid pulp dribbling unashamedly from my mouth. The dilapidated shrub now left bare could only marvel at the ravenous being crouched before it consuming the last pieces of its beauty. An elated grimace washed over my pallid ashen features twisting taut, full of shocked pleasure and delight from the tart berries. My tongue now rolling over them more gradually reveling in the incomparable sensation and silvery taste it was experiencing. Thinking of how long I had lived off the most basic foods it was striking to believe that my stagnated scenes could appreciate such utter satisfaction. Savouring each sour flavour I greedily gulped down my meal, feeling the solid block edge along my gullet. I had wondered inertly for so long a time that I'd forgotten such fulfillment were possible. And so odd was the release that came with rousing myself; i realized a freedom containing this level of "bodious"delight was far better than I had ever imagined it could be.

It had been some hours since my glorious meal, but still it sat pretty in my shrunken belly. Life giving energy infiltrating every last part of me, prolonging my sustenance. High off the glucose in my veins, staccato twitching of hyperactivity shivered throughout me, blood pumping with an unfamiliar ruddiness tinging my cheeks. Stumbling a few yards away from the cadaverous stripped twigs, I slouched drowsily content against a hard wall, somehow devoid of the filthy green which snaked over the streets unperturbed. A stifled ambiance of thick low lying smog began to blanket the air (catching in my throat and blackening my skin). Hazy clouds of sooty smoke obscured my vision, even as i waved it from my face. In my dazed state flustered panic filtered slower than it should, the decaying buildings blurring as film ran over my eyes. A falling wash of dizzy confusion took me. My brief rest bite suddenly shattered as jolts of cramping pain split me apart from the inside.

My stomach squirmed, as its acidic contents began to curdle and wriggle forth. Endless caustic burning racked my senses with piercing clarity, as glaringly detailed sensations mixed with blinding convulsions. I flinched at the livid harpoons which fired in my throat. Every minute twinge of movement releasing a fresh pang of toxin which gushed from me, scarcely letting up so I could breath in between the putrefied vomit. Hearing equally slurred as sight, ears dimmed to my own shrieks of anguish. Hallucinations of memories past seeped into my mind.
Herds of feet sounding unnaturally dead in the background. Constant suffering torture, working us to death. Betrayal of fatigue, not having enough to push my failing body on. Armour clad guards, wearing the kind of black boots, that leave patterned bruises in the skin. Thick hands grasping my weak frame. A determined coercion of muscle bearing down, forcing my will power to writhe dangerously away from me, squeezing out my final ounce of strength.
Last breath; short and quick.
Unable to tell the difference between past and present grief I sank into the shadows away from it all.

Found. Dragged. A grip pulling me. Hurried tightness yanking my floppy carcass. The pace of my escape like flight, as vaguely soothing flutters of air rush past me, causing bedraggled clumps of hair to flap about my face. I traveled away from that contaminated place, its hold weakening, toxic atmosphere relenting to cool fresh air. Lolling arms tumbling on wet earth, liquid slime of the street defiling me further, abrasion tearing shallow grazes into my heels and buttocks, rags shredded. With one last frenzied convulsion I slumped into unconsciousness.

Here goes:

Capitilize your I's and the beginning of your sentances.

Mind that you spell things correctly and review your post for any mistakes(like hitting the wrong key typing.)

Other than that keep up the good work, I liked the story, and I hope to see more.

thanks kaylyn
yh it was first type so spelling is gonna b a problem lol
and there will be more coming
x

Lotti,

Welcome to YWS. It’s a wonderfully addictive site ^_^. Anyway, your critique, since this is what we post stories for, no?

First of all, Kaylyn said some very useful things. Why are the “I’s” not capitalized? It just looks bad the way it is. Beginning of sentences NEED to be capitalized. I know you know that. Everyone knows that, and not doing that was just lazy on your part^^. Without those, someone might have written the best story ever, but I’d still not read it.

I know that the contents count also. I know that. But sometimes visuals can really put off. Might seem unfair, but it’s true, and with both the visuals and grammars correct, the story is much easier to read for a critiquer.

So, don’t take it to hard on yourself. That must be said, and that must be corrected. It won’t be either hard or time consuming, so you’ll be able to do that pretty quickly. Feel free to ask me, or anyone, really, if you have any problems with that.

Typos… There’s a spell check when you post. Press that. Typos are easy to make, and are a bit of a nuisance. Be careful with those. But again, they can easily be taken care of. So no problems with that - just do it.

Posting - It’s okay if you post everything in one post; it even might be better. That way, the reader won’t get de-concentrated from your story? You don’t want that (: If you want to add something to a post already made, press “Edit”.

So, you do that. Might take you 5, 10 minutes, if that, and it’ll do wonders to your story.

Yes, I know I focused more on the technical side of you story, but that’s the part that needed it most. So, clean that up, and then PM me if the edited version will be out (: If you want, of course.


Thanks for posting,
Esme

P.S. You have a very pretty username (:

thank you esme
for the tips and everything
it does need editing, for the capitals and comma use (as i tend to over use them) and ovbiously speeling.
and i think i will keep it to one large peice like u suggested.
thanks a bunch, its always hard getting used to a new forum, but everyone has been extremly helpful.
i will soon re edit was re cheak everything.
x
p.s. there definitly is more to come

wow i hated it but it was wonderfly witten i hope more from you but better

hi seekers, what do u need u hated it lol
thanks for saying it was wel written.
do u mean u didnt like the story line so far???
it does get more interesting.
so far its majoritivly descriptive and im looking forwards to introducing dialoge with other characters and the back story. im just a bit of a slow writter. :/

o and the forth bit is up!
x

I really love your story so far. Let me know when you continue it! Anyways good job on improving your story. Good luck with your future writings!

so yh ive added more now.
i think this is kinda the first chapter, tho im not sure where it is going.
read and review please!!!
thanks

It is looking even better. Though I think you should take out the last sentance, it just doesn't sound right. I didn't find any grammar mistakes this time. You did a good job with the edited version and I hope to see more. I can sense some action. Thats good because it is a bit boring in the first part. I lke the ending part. PM me when you get more on this story. Good luck with your future writing!

Hello, lotti! ^^

I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph, color-coding everything I want to point out. Try to keep up!

I foraged in the backstreets of 22nd century madness, hopelessly, <== Comma! it seemed, <== Comma! searching. The quick rhythmic tapping of rodents' <== Apostrophe! feet anxiously running from my presence, <== Comma! cruelly taunting me with hunger. As they dashed towards their little holes in the world, <== Comma! hiding far from capture, I [s]guilty[/s] guiltily thought about tearing each small, <== Comma! scraggy piece of meat from their bodies, [no comma] and stuffing the raw flesh into me.

[New idea, new paragraph]

Seizing that moment of repungent craving, <== Comma! I darted to where they [s]has[/s] disappeared into the ground and began to blindly claw at the dormant earth. Digging down with clammy hands, <== Comma! longing to penetrate their cavern, forcing chunks of mud and [s]slim[/s] slime [?] apart, <== Comma! desperately hoping to snare an animal. I could feel my eyes bulging, ravaged by the maddening, <== Comma! relentless desire.

[New idea, new paragraph]

This avid flare of basic yearning sickened me, willing my stomach to wrench up what was left of its meager contents. I marvelled at my present state, wretched torment shaking my body, rendering me desperate enough to grope after unseen creatures. These pathetic sobs-- <== Dash! example of my feeble self pity and vulnerability. Wishing not to give into the trembling weakness, <== Comma! [s]i[/s] I fought to regain what dignity [s]i[/s] I had left, roughly pushing the muck from my hands, turning, <== Comma! instead, <== Comma! to walk on, <== Comma! seeking something edible.

I made suggestions as to where to make paragraph breaks. You can use them or change them. Long paragraphs hurt the reader right here. *hand/heart* Don't do it. Try to make them readable and just long enough to where you won't lose the reader in the midst of a thousand words.

Underlined: Your first sentence is fine until the second part: hopelessly, it seemed, searching. Not only does it kind of leave the reader hanging, it's choppy and short compared to the first part. I'd delete that second part of the sentence or edit it.

Italicized: This is more of a general comment for your writing, but I thought of it in the second sentence (straight away in the beginning). You use adverbs a lot. They're helpful in tight spots and can really come in handy, but using them too much doesn't look entirely professional. Get creative with your descriptions. Use comparisons (metaphors, similes) or use stronger verbs--make the reader feel it. Adverbs are okay, but overdoes of adverbs will kill the reader.

Redified: This is just a list of actions the MC's doing. Let's get a little more creative and use real sentences. Just listing them loses the reader.

Blued: Again, we're listing the actions. Wretched torment shaking my body, rendering me desperate. Use sentences. This is excellent description, but the format isn't good for the reader. Use complete sentences. I know you can do it. If you can't, maybe you're giving too much description, which I actually believe. This entire paragraph is all about description, and it loses the reader. What's more important? The story or hunting? The reader's going to zone out and lose themselves. Then they'll have to reread it. Don't use too much description. ^^

Greenion: Watch your I's? They have to be capitalized. You obviously know that, but be sure to check for that when you go back and edit. Again, you listed the actions. I, as a reader, had to reread it because the turning instead to walk on threw me off. "Wait, we're not digging anymore? That means I can pay attention? I can start caring now?"

After [s]wondering[/s] wandering without any clear direction for a long while (the moments unclearly blending into hours), <== Comma! I happened across a small plant hung loosely with a few blessed berries. My relief was overwhelming at the sight of these juicy red beads. [s]Advancing[/s] I advanced closer, quickly bridging the gap between myself and my prize. Built up desire blurred my body, primal instinct spurring me on faster than before. But [s]i[/s] I was cruelly struck, stopped in my tracks as a stout factory drain pipe came into view, <== Comma! leaking a foul gunk around the plant. My conflicted urge for anything to fill my body threatened to overcome my common sense. Hovering about the retched pipe whilst it seeped reeking goo, my fingers clutched together, <== Comma! itching to grasp at the [s]jewelled[/s] jeweled fruit, forming white marks where they pushed the blood from the skin. My stomach so limp and empty, <== Comma! persistently demanding to be full, forced me to give way. They were indeed [s]to[/s] too easy a morsel meal to decline.

Better. You did better keeping the reader in this paragraph, but there was still a lot more description than story. You're describing the MC instead of what he's doing. For example:

Underlined: You describe so much about how the pipe carefully declined from its post to gently knock the MC in the head as to anger the MC and hope to distract it from the beautiful, shining berries only inches from the MC's nose. You don't say anything harsh to pull the reader into it. The MC should be smacked in the head by a metal pipe, slime leaking into his fur. A bump will surely appear on that spot. Give us more of what is happening rather than how pretty the berries are or how evil the pipe is. The reader isn't that stupid. We can picture berries, but we can't picture the MC's reaction to an attacking pipe.

I knelt on the black brick cobbles, <== Comma! my flimsy [s]dirt ridden[/s] dirt-ridden skirt enveloping my legs. Each single gem [s]tempting[/s] tempted me, [no comma] as I imagined the sharp tang of juice hitting my tongue. I grasped every last gluttonous berry and stuffed them one after the other, liquid pulp dribbling unashamedly from my mouth. The dilapidated shrub now left bare could only marvel at the ravenous being crouched before it, <== Comma! consuming the last pieces of its beauty. An elated grimace washed over my pallid ashen features, <== Comma! twisting taut, full of shocked pleasure and delight from the tart berries. My tongue now rolling over them more gradually, <== Comma! reveling in the incomparable sensation and silvery taste it was experiencing. Thinking of how long I had lived off the most basic foods, <== Comma! it was striking to believe that my stagnated [s]scenes[/s] senses [?] could appreciate such utter satisfaction. Savouring each sour flavour, <== Comma! I greedily gulped down my meal, feeling the solid block edge along my gullet. I had wondered inertly for so long a time that I'd forgotten such fulfillment were possible. And so odd was the release that came with rousing myself; [s]i[/s] I realized a freedom containing this level of "bodious"delight was far better than I had ever imagined it could be.

Underlined: What kind of word is that? Watch your adverbs, especially the really awkward ones like unashamedly. Don't tell every little description in the scene. Make the reader think at least a little bit.

Italicized: Completely useless to me. A poor excuse for more description. Completely get rid of this. The story will go on without dilapidated and ravenous being and etc. We already know the MC's hungry and the plant wouldn't be happy because its berries are all gone now. Don't give us more than we need.

Redified: This is pretty much poetry in prose. (Woo, alliteration!) [/bad pun] Twisting taut. Blugh. Delete it. You elaborated too much on a simple grin. A pleasant grin stretched her ashen face. Woot for elementary sentences! But really, I can repeat what I've been saying, but I won't.

Blued: 'Cause we care so much about what's happening in her mouth?

It had been some hours since my glorious meal, but still, <== Comma! it sat [s]pretty[/s] in my shrunken belly. Life giving energy infiltrating every last part of me, prolonging my sustenance. High off the glucose in my veins, staccato twitching of hyperactivity shivered throughout me, blood pumping with an unfamiliar ruddiness tinging my cheeks. Stumbling a few yards away from the cadaverous stripped twigs, I slouched drowsily, <== Comma! content against a hard wall, somehow devoid of the filthy green which snaked over the streets unperturbed. A stifled ambiance of thick low lying smog began to blanket the air (catching in my throat and blackening my skin). Hazy clouds of sooty smoke obscured my vision, even as [s]i[/s] I waved it from my face. In my dazed state, <== Comma! flustered panic filtered slower than it should, the decaying buildings blurring as film ran over my eyes. A falling wash of dizzy confusion took me. My brief rest [s]bite[/s] suddenly shattered as jolts of cramping pain split me apart from the inside.

Underlined: Gross sentence, and I can't edit it. You do this a lot, but it looks like a complete mistake. If you made it parallel structure, I wouldn't pick on you too much about it. It had been a few hours since my delicious meal, and it still sat in my shrunken stomach. Life giving me energy. Prolonging my sustenance. Some people do this. I don't much like it 'cause I'm a complete grammar guru, but this is possible.

Italicized: I have to admit, you have such a wonderful vocabulary of the English language. You don't even know how jealous I am. But this part, as wonderfully written as it is, it doesn't fit with the sentence. In fact, the entire sentence, not just this italicized part. It doesn't work for me. Get rid of it or rewrite it so it's actually a sentence (or two).

My stomach squirmed, [no comma] as its acidic contents began to curdle and wriggle forth. Endless caustic burning racked my senses with piercing clarity, [no comma] as glaringly detailed sensations mixed with blinding convulsions. I flinched at the livid harpoons which fired in my throat. Every minute twinge of movement [s]releasing[/s] released a fresh pang of toxin which gushed from me, scarcely letting up so I could [s]breath[/s] breathe in between the putrefied vomit. My hearing was [s]Hearing[/s] equally slurred as my sight, ears dimmed to my own shrieks of anguish. Hallucinations of memories past seeped into my mind.

Sometimes, short, quick sentences is the way to go when describing an intense scene like this. Long descriptive sentences only bore the reader. Short sentences pull them in. As weird as that sounds, it's true to a certain extent, anyway.

Herds of feet sounding unnaturally dead in the background. Constant suffering torture, [period instead] working us to death. Betrayal of fatigue, not having enough to push my failing body on. Armour clad guards, [no comma] wearing the kind of black boots, [no comma] that leave patterned bruises in the skin. Thick hands grasping my weak frame. A determined coercion of muscle bearing down, forcing my [s]will power[/s] willpower to writhe dangerously away from me, squeezing out my final ounce of strength.

Again, try the short sentences rather than the long, descriptive ones. I had to reread this to understand what was happening, even if it is a memory or dream or whatever.

Unable to tell the difference between past and present grief, <== Comma! I sank into the shadows away from it all.

Found. Dragged. A grip pulling me. Hurried tightness yanking my floppy carcass. The pace of my escape like flight, [no comma] as vaguely soothing flutters of air rush past me, causing bedraggled clumps of hair to flap about my face. I traveled away from that contaminated place, its hold weakening, toxic atmosphere relenting to cool fresh air. Lolling arms tumbling on wet earth, liquid slime of the street defiling me further, abrasion tearing shallow grazes into my heels and buttocks, rags shredded. With one last frenzied convulsion, <== Comma! I slumped into unconsciousness.

Overall

I started to give up about halfway through. I'm so sorry. It got too descriptive, and my brain hurt trying to keep up with all the words. I didn't see any point with this story, so I'm going to bet that more will be coming. Make this more of a story than poetry. The reader will better keep up with you. Kudos on your amazing vocabulary, though! I'm honestly jealous about that.

Any questions/comments/etc., feel free to PM me!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Capitilize your I's. I noticed that that were a few of them in lower case. Anyways, let me know when you continue this, I would like to read it. Pm me and I'll critique it or give some opinions, or help out, or whatever. Don't hesitate to let me know. I think that your story had a lot of potential and you need to keep going on with it. Good luck with your writings!!!!!!

Oh yes, I orgot to mention that you should probably break down your paragraphs and put a space between each one. It makes it easier on the reader's eyes... good luck!