This is continued from Experiment (new and revised!). I apologize that it's so long, but I'm just trying to get it all on here. It's totally finished now, but I'm only posting so much at a time. This is the second part. Keep watch for the third to read the end! Right now, I'm in the midst of attempting to fix up the beginning, so that might reappear later, too.Feel free to comment. Thanks for your time.
*
The next morning, I'm one of the first people in the building. I use my key to enter, since it's not officially open yet. I don't bother stopping to socialize with the other doctors and surgeons and nurses. They try to catch my eye and engage in conversation but I ignore them. I know I've become antisocial since the surgery. Everyone seems to have concern and sympathy in their gaze, except Dr. Carry. She's the only one who shoves herself in my face.
"Good morning, Jack!" she gushes, twirling on her way over to me. I feel like gagging and immediately quicken my pace, acting like I haven't heard her. She knows better.
"Oh, come on, Jack," she calls down the hallway as I try to make an escape. "Ever since the surgery went wrong you've been avoiding me."
I can hear the pout in her voice and a small stab of guilt reaches my heart. Before the surgery, the world had been bright with a wonderful future ahead. Dr. Carry, or Christina, as I used to call her, had been unknowingly holding a special place in my heart. I think she might have guessed it, though.
Then April had come in, her eyes all panicked, her knuckles white from clutching her mother's hand too tightly. I was the one to greet her. She must have only been a few years younger, three at the most, than me but she looked like a little girl. I felt like I needed to protect her and something in my heart snapped when I damaged her.
Christina became Dr. Carry and my focus and heart went to April. I could tell Dr. Carry missed the jokes we used to exchange, the smiles, the laughter. She missed seeing me alive. I guess she didn't want to watch me die along with my patient.
My thoughts are confirmed as she hurries to catch up. Her heels clatter on the shiny, slippery floors and she grabs my arm almost in support. I don't have the heart to pull away from her red-nailed grip.
Dr. Carry looks up at me with crystal clear eyes. Her eyes are alive and bright, full of emotion. This fact stings me more than it should. Her tongue flicks out nervously to wet her lips as she searches for words.
"When you became a doctor, Jack, you were warned." Her eyes are serious, but there's something hidden within them. I wonder if April has hidden emotions that one day she'll be able to express again or if she just has nothing.
Dr. Carry continues, sighing. "Not all the patients will live and that's just one of the hardships about saving lives. You can't save all of them. You should spend your time saving the ones you can, not concentrating on hopeless cases."
I feel a flare of anger and revulsion at her words. "Are you saying April is a hopeless case?" I shout. We get a few confused, curious glances and Dr. Carry warns me to quiet down with her eyes. I realize what's been hiding behind them. Sympathy.
"I don't need your fake sympathy," I throw at her, yanking my arm from her grasp. "And I'm not giving up on April. You're just jealous."
I hope my words sting her. I can tell that they do when she lets me escape. When I take a chance to glance back, she's still standing there, watching me retreat. And what I see on her face fills me with a dull ache. A shining tear tracing the bones in her cheek, trailing down her chin and falling. It leaves a wet, slimy path on her skin.
April will never be able to cry again if I give up on her. Fuming, I quicken my pace into a trot and then a near-run as I hurry down the hallway to her room.
When I storm in, I have to remind myself to shut the door quietly. Turning to the starched bed, I see April's still sleeping. Though it's unnatural behavior, I take it as a good sign.
Thinking I can get in some work without worrying too much, I head to my office. It's not a very short walk there and I try to calm myself as I go. When I arrive, all my efforts are shattered as I spot Dr. Carry sitting in the chair at my desk. Her shoulders are slumped and her hands cover her face. It seems like she's crying.
Before I can back out, she looks up and turns toward the door. Sure enough, her eyes are red and swollen, her cheeks damp. Dr. Carry sniffles. She looks like a sad and pitiful animal that's just been abandoned and doesn't know what to do. I try to think of something angry to say, but my mind fails me.
As I turn to leave the office, planning to go and sit by April until she wakes up, Dr. Carry holds me in the doorway with two words, "I'm sorry." Her voice sounds wet and sincere.
Turning back to fit her with my hard eyes, I try to be like April, expressionless and unemotional. "How can I believe that when you want me to just throw away someone's life?"
She looks stunned. "I didn't think of it that way," she says. It seems that she's pulling herself together.
"I know the risks I took at becoming a doctor. But unlike anyone else here I'm not afraid to try to fix my mistakes, undo the damage you could say. I'm not afraid to heal someone. I've failed again and again, but I refuse to just give up."
My words are hard and sharp. Satisfied, I turn to leave and no matter what she says now she'll never hold me back. No matter how fast she runs, she'll never catch up. In a way, I've just discarded her from my life. I don't feel guilty. I feel healed, in a way.
When I enter the room, April's still sleeping. I take a seat on the end of her bed, ignoring the chair on the edge of the room like usual. Gently, I reach out a hand. I don't know why I'm being so cautious or why I even bother to hesitate, but I guess it's just instinct.
When my warm palm rests on her cold skin, her eyes jerk open, almost as if she can feel me. Too bad I know better than that. When her eyes search and find me, they're still blank and dull, but there's almost a question in her gaze.
"Did you feel that?" I ask her, hopeful even though I know I shouldn't be.
April simply continues to gaze at me. Her mouth opens just the tiniest bit. I see it's wet with escaped saliva. Slowly I take the cloth from my pocket and wipe her mouth. Though her eyes follow me, she's still as hollow as ever.
I can't help but wonder at how her eyes popped wide when I touched her. Could it be old instinct coming back or did she sense movement? It's too much to hope she felt something. It would be a reckless hope.
Leaning back, I edge farther onto the bed and it's rough sheets until my back meets the wall. I sigh, closing my eyes. Maybe Dr. Carry's right. Maybe it's a foolish, hopeless cause. But if I start to think that way, I'll end up killing her and I don't know what that will do to me. Nothing good, for sure.
*
I wake up in April's room. Disoriented, I look around, wincing at the bright light. Jumping to my feet, I rock the bed violently. With a quick glance at April, it's confirmed that I haven't disturbed her.
I rush from the room, practically running down the hall. It takes me a shorter amount of time than usual to reach my office. Just as I thought, it's deserted. I sigh in relief and then run tired hands through my rumpled hair.
Looking at the clock on the wall, I'm shocked to see that it's almost four in the morning. Yawning, I stretch. My back is stiff and my jaw aches like it does when I haven't gotten a good night's sleep.
I try to remember what had made me hurry to get to my office and then I remember. My hands work quickly, trying to make up for my sluggish, tired movements. My fingers are stiff clumsy as I try to get the work done. My eyes strain and I rub sleep from their corners multiple times.
Finally, it's complete. The new plan for a new pill. I had dreamed up the mixture and for some reason it made the blood in my veins pound with anticipation. I can't shake off the feeling that it wasn't a normal dream. It seemed more like an answered prayer, a miracle, to me. I didn't want to answer any questions of why or how or what had made me think of it. I had to do this alone.
However, I couldn't put the mixture into the form of a pill myself, so I would have to wait for the rest of my team to show up. All except Dr. Carry. If she tried to help I was going to throw her out.
As quickly as I can, I make it to the front lobby down on the first floor to wait for others to show up. The clock doesn't move quickly enough. I begin to fidget, and then to pace. Finally, someone else arrives. It's not one of the people I want to see, I confirm, and begin to pace again. They stop to talk to me anyway. I freeze, tense and ready for a scolding.
"You're here awfully early, aren't you Jack?" the rough, old voice asks. It's a voice I've come to associate with fear and punishment. My boss.
"Yes, I guess I am, sir."
He eyes me with old, filmy eyes. His face looks as if it has hardened over the years. "You know there are certain policies that we like to keep here, don't you." It's not a question, but a statement.
"Of course, sir."
"We find it inappropriate to sleep in a patient's room, for example."
I can feel the blood drain from my face. I feel numb. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I haven't been sleeping enough, sir. I do apologize."
For some reason, I can see his eyes and face soften. "I know, Jack. You've been working yourself too hard. You're one of my best doctors and I hate seeing you struggle so much."
His words surprise me. "Sir?"
"I know you can do it, Jack. Just keep on trying."
Then he begins to walk away. I stare after him. "Wait, sir! If you're not too busy, would you mind helping me with something?"
He turns back. "Why would you need the help of an old man like me?" he wonders aloud.
I hurry to catch up to him. "I have an idea for a new pill, but I can't create it myself. Would you...?"
A smile stretches the wrinkles on his face. I'm reminded of a kind, old grandfather. He puts a warm hand on my shoulder. "Certainly, Dr. Stevens."
*
As soon as the pill is complete, I rush it to April. She's wide awake and staring blankly. I see nothing in her face, like usual.
"We have a new pill for you today. I got the inspiration for it from a dream of mine. Who knows if it will work or not, but it can't hurt to try."
I approach her slowly, as if she's a cat that will easily be spooked. Of course, she doesn't even flinch. She doesn't move a muscle. I wipe her wet mouth and open it wide. Once she's swallowed the pill, I wait, kneeling in front of her and staring into her blank amber eyes.
Then she starts to gag. At first I get excited. She's having a reaction. But her eyes are as blank as ever, just as her face is. Before I have time to move, she's emptied her stomach, the pill with it, right onto my front.
Then, as if exhausted - though I know better - April collapses, dangling her head and arm off the bed, her face blank.
"So much for that," I murmur, utterly heart broken with disappointment.
I take the rest of the day off.
*
I drift to sleep on the couch covered in popcorn kernels, the news playing in front of me on the television. My "miracle" dream comes to taunt me, but it's like static on the TV, unclear and fuzzy. It's impossible to make out and then it's replaced with a terrifying dream.
I'm standing on dust, surrounded by nothing. There's April, staring at me, so blank and dead. We stare at each other for a few moments and then she suddenly utters a sharp cry that sets my heart thrumming against my ribs. She crumples to the ground, holding her hands against her chest and then she's dead.
I wake up sweating. My heart's beating like crazy and my breathing is ragged. I get up from the couch, brushing myself off. All I know is that I have to get to the hospital, to April. Maybe my "miracle" dream will become clear when I'm near April. I just have to get to her, to make sure she's okay.
When I reach the hospital, it's all dark. I feel like a criminal as I put my key in the door and open it wide. Creeping through the dark hallways, I try not to disturb the night shift. I luckily don't run into anyone before reaching my destination.
Entering the room, I watch April as I close the door behind me, making as little noise as possible. She's sound asleep, but I still walk on my toes as I head for the bed.
There, I gaze at her. She seems so normal when she's sleeping. Her eyelids flutter as if in a dream. I wonder if she has feelings in her dreams.
Ever so slowly, I reach a hand out to stroke her cheek with my fingertips. It's cool and smooth. I trace the outline of her jaw and then her peeling lips. My fingers trail up the edge of her nose and over her eyelids. Then I take a chance, hoping she won't wake up sensing some sort of motion. I lean my head down to press my lips to her cool cheek. My eyelashes brush her skin as I close my eyes and sigh. If only she could feel all this; the press of my lips to her skin, the tickle of my eyelashes, the warm breath from my sigh.
Careful not to disturb her, though she won't feel the difference, I climb over her onto the other side of the bed. I push one arm gently under her and move the other over her sleeping form. Then I hug her close, breathing in the scent of her neck, her hair, pressing her warmth to my stomach and chest. I feel comforted to have her so close. Her stomach gently rises and falls with each breath.
I fall asleep counting the beats of her heart against my protective arm and listening to her breathe, so even and natural. At least these normal things weren't damaged. Feeling her heart beat gives me hope. She must be able to love, to laugh, to smile. She's still human.
I'm in April's room, room 693 in all the hospital's thousand of rooms. So white and clean, too bright. For a moment, the light blinds me, but as I step closer to the white bed the light fades behind me. All I can see is April, lying there as usual. But something's different. Her eyes are shining, sparkling. She smiles when she sees me and gets up to greet me. She's beautiful as she leans in to wrap her arms around me. Her breath tickles my neck as she whispers me the cure. To make her this girl in my dreams again.
I snap awake. It takes me a while to remember where I am. The cure, the solution, rings in my head. I can see what went wrong the first time. I hadn't remembered it clearly enough. My first instinct is to rush to my office and formulate the plan before I forget it, but I calm myself. There's hardly any chance that I'll forget the cure. My body feels exhausted.
Knowing that I won't be able to go back to sleep, I settle for simply holding April and gazing into the darkness of the room. She smells sweet like the hospital's famous lilac soap and something hidden deeper. I nestle my head in the crook between her neck and shoulder, running the tip of my nose across her skin, back and forth, back and forth. I press my lips to her skin, tasting her with the edge of my tongue. She tastes salty from sweat, but it's not revolting like it sounds.
My breath quickens, picking up to match the rate of my heart as if they're racing. I quickly get up from the bed, releasing my tight hold on April. If only she could share the same feelings I have for her. If only she could have shared that moment with me.
Instead, she's sleeping soundly, oblivious to the events that have just taken place. Oblivious even to the fact that I'm in her room. It makes me sad to watch her. I kneel in front of the bed, sweeping my gaze down her face. She's so peaceful.
As I carefully place my hands on the bed, the mattress lets out a groan as if it's annoyed that I haven't left yet. April startles awake, alerted by the unusual sound. Before I can make my escape, her eyes lock on mine through the darkness. Mine have adjusted enough that I can make out her features, but she must blink a few times before her eyes get accustomed.
I feel like I'm floating above and watching the scene from the ceiling. Everything feels unreal to me and I'm full of a dull anger inside. Why can't she feel something for me? She has no idea what just happened at all.
I take her face in between my hands and close my eyes, not wanting to see how blank and dead hers are. I lean in slowly and press my lips to hers. She's unresponsive and I back away. Opening my eyes, I see that she - of course - has no expression on her face. I sigh heavily and get up to leave.
Going to my office, I bring out my former plan. Fixing it up, I feel a deep relief. This is it. It has to be.
*
Once I've had help to create the pill, I return to April. She's back to sleeping. I feel a heaviness in my chest that could be disappointment, but I'm not quite sure that's what it is.
I decide to get some more sleep. I'm starting to feel exhausted. Against my will, I sit in the hard chair at the edge of the room. I would do anything to curl back into bed against April, but I know that I shouldn't be taking advantage of her. I feel terrible for doing anything in the first place.
As soon as I'm drifting to sleep, a nurse comes in and shakes me awake.
"There's someone here to see April."
I yawn. "Who?" This puzzles me.
"He says his name's William."
"He?" I ask, suddenly terrified and defensive.
"Jack, he's a boy. The same age as April."
"April's not a young girl. She's a young woman." I don't know why I even bother to argue with the nurse, but I don't like her grouping this "boy" and April in a different group than me.
The nurse gives me a sympathetic look. "Don't be too hard on him. I know it's early, but he said he couldn't wait to see her."
"Why's he coming now?"
"How would I know?" She looks around as if searching for escape.
I let her get away, telling her to send him up. I don't like it, but I wake April. At the sound of her name, she instantly jerks to consciousness.
"April," I murmur. "You have a visitor."
She gives me her special blank look. I smile at her. "I know it's early, but apparently he just had to see you. His name's William. Do you remember him?"
Of course, she has no reaction to either my words or his name. I sigh. "Of course you don't."
Just then, a young man enters. He looks nervous and as if on cue runs a hand through his hair self-consciously. His hair is a dark brown and disorderly in a casual sort of way. His eyes shift around the entire room. They're a deep brown almost matching his hair. I instantly take a dislike to him, although I'm sure he's a nice kid. I would actually probably get along with him, in any other situation.
April's eyes roam to the entrance where he's standing. For a second, I think that she'll have some sort of reaction. Maybe her mouth will open in a wide, bright smile or her eyes will get huge and shining. Some sort of recognition will flash across her face. And I'm jealous of this boy, who knew the girl she is somewhere inside.
She stares at him, her normal reaction, if you can call it that. When I look back to him, he's staring right back into her eyes. It seems he's concentrating. Maybe he's trying to bring her back, help her find herself.
The hope and wistfulness on his face makes me sad. I'm the cause of this. The cause of all this pain, of all this sorrow and all this damage.
"Can I speak to you for a moment, William?"
I rise to my feet and head out the door. William hesitates.
"I'll be right back, A."
His cute little nickname for her sickens me further. I pass my self-loathing off as anger and disgust at William. The poor guy's an easy target.
As soon as the door closes and we're all alone, the only people as far as I can see in the hallway, I let loose. "What are you doing here?"
William registers my words slowly. "What do you mean?" he asks slowly.
"Why are you coming now, after it's been almost a year since she's been here."
It appears that I've found a soft spot. I've hit a nerve, so to speak. He hangs his head. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I just... it was really hard for me, you know?"
I try to calm myself, to not hate this boy. If he'd come sooner, I would've realized that she's already promised to someone else. I wouldn't have let myself fall for her. I wouldn't have held her as I slept. I wouldn't have cared so much. She would've just been a normal patient, not a total obsession. And I most definitely wouldn't have kissed her.
"Why can't you fix her?" his words are soft, an innocent enough question. But they stab me straight in the heart.
"Why do you care?"
We glare at each other.
"Look," he says after a while. "I've been her best friend since middle school and I'm just really worried."
Best friend? I immediately feel sorry and apologize quickly.
"I wish we could do more to help her, but we've been trying so many different things..." I trail off, feeling more and more like an idiot as I go on.
We're both silent.
"So, can I have my visit?"
"Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I actually just got finished making a new pill. If you wouldn't mind me trying it out on her now while you're here, that'd be great. I want to get it in her system as soon as possible."
William simply nods and heads back in. I pause before I follow, taking a few deep breaths. I totally lost it. I lost myself. All because I was being jealous and protective over my own patient. Feeling disgusted at myself, I shake my head and walk in.
After I shove the new pill down her throat, I leave, unable to bear looking at her blank eyes. They look like glass, as if she's on exhibit in a wax museum. Life-like, but unreal.
As I close the door, I can hear William's stiffled sobs becoming more pronounced.
I run down to my office, sick.
Dr. Carry's there. I smile sadly at her, but she won't meet my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I finally blurt out, unable to stand more anger and sorrow in the same room as I am. "I know I've been a jerk ever since the surgery, but it's hard to live with myself after I screwed up so bad."
She looks at me. Her eyes are full of wisdom, as if I'm merely a child and she an adult. She seems to have the knowledge of the world in those eyes. There's so much I don't know.
"Jack," she begins. Her voice seems tired and worn thin. "We all screw up. We all make mistakes. There will be terror and there will be damage. Things will go wrong. I'll never forget the first time I messed up."
"You messed up?" I can hardly believe it.
"Of course I did, Jack. What? Did you think doctors were some sort of superhuman force? We're only human. Don't expect more from yourself than you do from anyone else. That's how I've gotten by."
I feel eternally sorry for ever hurting her. She seems so much older now, her eyes dry and her thoughts clear. "I really am sorry about the whole thing."
"Jack, what have I been telling you? We're human. We'll make mistakes. Just forget about it and move on."
"But how can I forget about April and move on? She's like a living reminder of how badly I ruined her life. She doesn't seem human anymore." I think about what I'd been comparing to her earlier. "She's like a wax sculpture."
I can see Dr. Carry flinching at the reality I've just presented to her.
"You're not alone in this. You never were. You just thought that you were and so you brought yourself down."
"So you forgive me?" My voice sounds too hopeful.
"Friends," she agrees.
I smile and then go out to wander the halls.
Then chaos strikes. I hear a crash and rushed apologies. It seems like someone's running down the hall after me. I whirl and see William hurrying up to me.
"Come quickly!" he gasps, totally out of breath. He grabs my arm anyway and runs back the way he came. We get lots of glares passing the casualties - some spilled IV's and bottles of medicines litter the floors. All I can think is that something has gone wrong with April. I feel fear gripping around me, taking control. Everything's just a blur of noise and movement until I've burst into her room.
I look around frantically for some signs. Blood, guts, anything. April's lying on her bed like always, staring. She's not dead, there's no puke on the floor. Everything seems normal. And then it sinks in. I turn back frantically to look at April and gape at her.
Her eyes, though staring, are full of emotion. Or rather, not necessarily emotion, but wet tears, streaming down her face and dribbling on the hospital sheets.
I choke on my words and fall silent. I move as if in a dream to stand in front of her. April's eyes follow me. Her mouth is turned down in a grimace. I'm full of joy, which immediately fills me with disgust because obviously something has made her sad.
I look back at William. His face is tear-stained, but his eyes are dry. I wonder if her tears weren't triggered by his own emotions. Shock is playing across his face.
"William, everything's okay. I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside."
He nods woodenly and shuts the door as he disappears into the hallway.
When he's gone, I turn back to my April. My April. Not hollow and emotionless, but full of emotion. Not the best emotion, but an emotion still.
I reach out a shaking hand to dry up her tears. My finger trembles as it traces her tear line back to her eyes. Then I realize. She's not my April. My April was the hollow, expressionless body. This April is the girl she was before the surgery.
I search for signs of recognition behind her tears, but find none. My heart sinks.
"Can you feel that?" I ask as my finger dries up the rest of her tears.
She looks at me, seeming confused.
I kneel down next to her. Her amber eyes hold mine when I'm at her level.
"Do you feel?" I ask her gently. But my heart is beating urgently.
I try a different approach as she sniffles. She sniffles! I think I could cry myself from joy. "April, do you know me?"
She only stares at me, emotions playing across her eyes. I can't recognize any of them. Sighing, I start to stand up, but she reaches out a weak, small hand out to me. I settle back onto the floor. I sit as still as a statue as her hand - trembling just as mine was - repeats my actions, tracing their way up my cheeks and to my eyes.
Then her eyes rest on my lips and her hand follows, lightly tracing the outline. I close my eyes, trying not to cry.
Suddenly, her hand disappears. My eyelids fly up. I look at her and her eyes are blank again. She's motionless, her hand dangling over the bed. "April?" I ask, my voice shaking.
Her amber eyes find mine, but they're dead again. I feel like screaming and jerk up from my position. I guess it would have startled her, but she was back to being dead to the world.
I sigh and let a few tears escape before I dry them and go tell William his visit is over.
*
