D*MN

Hello there! I am an evil critiquer. No, seriously, I am evil, but I love you and I really do hope that my comments, however biting and horrible they are, will be of some help. My main goal is to help you grow as a writer, believe it or not. So you'll see random art work and occasionally frequent snarky comments... I apologize in advance. But who knows... maybe it'll help you out on the road as you progress as a lovely poet.

So I am just going to run through this poem and comment on the lines. Hope this will help! ^_^


I hold passion in my hand. <-- Really? I realize there is something called poetic license, but the image that "holding passion" give us isn't very vivid and slightly confusing. What sort of passion? The passion and wonder and horror of life? Who knows! All I know is your word choice is not vivid enough to catch and not startling enough to shock. Try again. What sort of passion do you mean? The more colorful your poem is, the more it'll help us see the "coloured in."

I am what they cannot understand. <-- Guh... this is a cliched line, so cliched that if you want to use this line and make it work, you have to give us very specific, concrete examples of why he is something that they cannot understand. And it has to be very powerful.

The way I see the world is beautiful, <-- So he sees the world as beautiful? So does a large group of the population. What makes him different??? If we knew the differences, then we would be able to say, "WOW! What an interesting narrator to the poem! I want to read more!" But don't switch the subject. You say that he is what they cannot understand... fine. So what about him can't they understand? Don't say that he sees the world as beautiful... that seems to have no connection with your first statement and no where in this poem do these two statements get connected in any logical or poetic fashion.

Not coloured in the lines imagined on my land. <-- This is ambiguous. Ambiguous isn't necessarily bad, but in context, it's surrounded by all these imageless and senseless (meaning that they don't draw on the senses) lines, and all in all, this line seems to be fluff. Get rid of it.



I feel like I need someone to talk to but I refrain, <-- This is wordy and it seems to show that the poet is trying to force this poem into some rhyming thing scheme. I mean, you can say, "I [s]want[/s] can't talk to anyone" and it would be just as powerful, if more so.

Plus, the wordiness does something equally dangerous, as far as making this a lovely poem. This line, indeed the lines that follow, don't connect to the previous stanza at all. If anything, the narrator of this poem seems to be easily distracted, consumed in an unhealthy manner with himself and fighting an imaginary conflict. After all, he makes a lot of claims, such as seeing the world in a different way, but refuses to give reasons why he does and flits to another, self-absorbed topic, using lots of words to describe a simple feeling which could easily be expressed in a shorter, more powerful way. This lengthiness makes us readers believe that he thinks these feelings he feels with himself, which are largely self-absorbed and obsessed with the introverted unreality that he lives with, are more important than the reality that he lives with. The narrator appears not to grasp reality, yet his inability to grasp reality is done purposefully, and all in all, the narrator appears to be a narcissistic, self-absorbed whiner.

It is true that poetry can be done with a variety of narrators with different personalities, including narcissistic, self-absorbed whiners, but only to a certain extent, and it has to be poetic. These lines are so cliched and filled with filler words that one gets the feeling of suffocation with this poem. And I doubt that this was the original aim of this poem.

If I can hold out just a moment longer I'll find this was never really pain. <-- Ugh... yes.


If I just open my eyes to the horizon I'll see my strain, <-- What strain? Characters, including this narrator, only evolve and grow through conflict, and by not seeing the strain/conflict, it is not showing us readers what he is going through and how he is growing. Put us in his reality. He is not an emotional, empty bubble.

All the things I put myself through when I only thought I was becoming untrue. <-- Untrue? How? This line really doesn't make any sense because we're not sure what the narrator does when he becomes untrue, or at least when he believes he is being untrue. Does he hurt himself? Write good poetry? Write bad poetry? Listen to Explosions in the Sky? (Awesome band, by the way.) So you need to be more specific. We don't know, so stop being abstract and put us in his reality.


I've become sick of my voice and my words. <-- Which are saying exactly what? Describe his voice and words! How is using language? We don't know! So explain. That will give us the juicy details.

I've grown old of sketching pictures of things I should rather have seen. <-- What sorts of things? Show us! This is the most crucial part of the poem, the place reality shows its ugly head. Do not back away from it! How he shows off his art shows who he is without seeming so totally full of himself. And this is good. Art is a connection between unreality and reality, and we must find out more. For example! When I had just gotten out of surgery and had to have heavy meds because of the pain, I drew this:



Where did it come from? Somewhere deep in my subconscious, no doubt, because like I said, I was heavily medicated. But you can probably see some weird essence of me, somehow. Or, if you can't, then perhaps you can match a memory that you have with the scene.

My art is bad, but let's take somebody else who sketched pictures of things he really should have never seen. Picasso lived in the time of the Spanish Civil War, an extremely bloody war that killed many people. Here's what he drew:

http://www.phil.uu.nl/~rob/texts/guernica.jpg [big file]

Try describing that with words, and you'll get a completely different description than mine or anybody else's on the site. Art has different interpretations for everybody who looks at it, so be sure to have him describe his art. That way, we'll get a better grasp on his character.

I'm fed up with writing about what not, it's all unkeen. <-- Why must you rhyme constantly? Good rhymes are one thing, but this is rhyming for the sake of rhyming, and it's horrible. Just get rid of it.

I want someone to write of me. <-- I sort of expected this line. ^^



I want to become the story, <-- See? You're expanding on an idea! You can do this... really! And see how it has a lovely progression, as if it's building up the drama? This is what you want! The first and second stanzas are flitty and avoids talking about anything. So quit that. This is much better.

I want to see how far I can dream. <-- Guh... doesn't he know this already? This doesn't seem to be what you want, as far as a powerful line.

What makes anyone different from me? <-- Hmm... well, you told us in the first stanza what made you different from everybody else. If it were written better, you would be able to look at that reason and nod your head.



But I'm still here. <-- Where did this thought come from? The above stanzas don't mention anything of his dying, or wishes to die, which is what this seems to reference it.

I've seen so much, though I'm seeing so little. <-- This would be so much better if you described the artwork.

I've been at the top, I find myself in the middle. <-- This is so abstract... if we knew what he was talking about, then it might be meaningful or whatever, but now it's just a confusing jumble of words thrown together to look meaningful.

What the hell has happened to me? <-- Mmmm...



My legs are running still. <-- Nice play on words. ^^

My thoughts have been cast out by a headache that feels though it could kill. <-- This rhyme sucks and should be obliterated from the face of this universe.

My life has become the opposite of who I am, <-- Ahhh... the question of who are you comes up again? You never quite answered it before.

And I'm just plain sick and tired of it. <-- Psh! What is he going to do about it? There seems to be no conclusion, no deeper thought accomplished, so it ends on a very weird and highly humorous note. That's all folks!

DAMN <-- This line is so childish and funny. I laughed when I read it. It doesn't seem to be a proper ending though, no?


Egads. That was a little longer than I expected it would be. Oh well! Hope that helps. ^^

My turn! Hello there, it's nice to meet you. Snoink has done you a lovely line by line I see so I'll give you some general advice instead:

1. Rhyme and rhythm.

I've always been rather fond of rhyme but there's a place for it and currently this poem is not it. The rhyme you use feels forced and it's what people tend to call 'bubble-gum' rhyming. You'll probably hear that term more often in the years to come. But anyway, a bubble-gum rhyme is a simple rhyme, usually using words of only one syllable, sometimes two, and it's the sort of rhyme a child uses or that a person plays with when they first start writing poetry.

For rhyming to be effective, it needs to either be accompanied by a rhythm and to flow well, to feel so smooth that a person can get half-way through the poem before they actually realise the rhyme is there. Because rhyme is not a point you want your reader to focus on. That's what meaning and narrative are for. Rhyme is just an aid in making the poem enjoyable and it should be subtle. I'm going to write two short poems for you, both using rhyme. Think about which one sounds better:

The pain was too much to bare
And I really don't care
how much their big, blue eyes stare
because I'm going nowhere.

There's less to love than fragile Rose
who blooms in seldom summer prose.
We're nothing more than drops and blips;
just orange peel and apple pips.

Okay so I cheated and that second one is a part of something I wrote a while ago... but anyway. These are both examples of bubble-gum rhyme but the difference is that the second one incorporates a rhythm and also an abab rhyme scheme (which is the only way to make bubble-gum rhyme effective) while the first has not been thought through at all. The lines are all different lengths and they all rhyme with each other and the writer is trying so hard to rhyme that any meaning the poem had has been lost.

A rhythm can be something as simple as ten syllables for each line or it can have eight for the first two lines and then six for the next two. It can be varied almost as much as free verse can. But first, before you can get good at rhyming, you have to work on the meaning in your poems so see:

2. Meaning.

This is the focal point of your poem. Without it, all you have is a collection of pretty words and sometimes they're not even pretty. I'm going to use your poem as an example. It's vague and the only meaning I can find in it is thus: there's this guy or possibly it's a girl and he/she is fed up with their life. He/she is an artist who has spent time painting things that others has seen. That's it. That seems to be the entire narrative behind that poem and even that gets lost between vague, half-thought out questions.

I suggest you think about it more. Think about this narrator's emotions and what exactly he/she regrets the most and what he/she intends to do about it. This poem needs to go somewhere. This poem needs to be conclusive and it needs to be written with reason. You probably picked up a pen and started writing I'm thinking with no other intention than to entertain yourself. Which is okay. But think of your readers. You need to also write either to entertain them or to inform them, maybe to persuade them to your point of view.

This poem may mean a lot to you but you have to make it mean something to your reader as well.

3. Improving.

If you've actually read that thoroughly the first time through, I'm impressed. That shows a real writer, someone with an eagerness to improve but I wouldn't blame you if you've only skimmed it for the moment. That shows a reader and at your age, you're probably more reader than writer. What you need to do now is to read this again, pick out the ideas and the lines that you genuinely like and write them down on a fresh piece of paper. Then set that to one side and take yet another fresh piece of paper and start writing. From scratch. When you get stuck, consult the list of ideas and lines that you liked and see which of those has room for you to build on and expand.

Then post your edited version on here and we'll come along and tear it apart again XD Don't be disheartened by that. If it makes you feel better, go review our work. Everyone always needs a little advice but you'll get used to being told that your writing needs more work and eventually you'll write something that your readers admire and enjoy. And what's more important, you'll love it more than your first draft and you'll be proud to say you wrote it. (At least for a year or two anyway XD)

I hold passion in my hand.

I am what they cannot understand.

The way I see the world is beautiful,

Not coloured in the lines imagined on my land.

This stanza kinda made me glad that I don't understand. This just did not work for me at all.

I feel like I need someone to talk to but I refrain,
If I can hold out just a moment longer I'll find this was never really pain.
If I just open my eyes to the horizon I'll see my strain,

These 3 lines are really good!

I thought this was a decent poem that has potential to be really good. I disagree with the other review about the rhyming, I didn't feel it was forced. But there are some points in the poem where the flow is just murdered b/c you're too direct with your words. Despite what people may say in here, almost all great poets are subtle in their nature and words. This poem was so direct at times that it felt to me this is what you were trying to do, tired of being the one who writes the story, so you're gonna come out here and say it all and be direct, but then you find you're still stuck...well it didn't work that well to me, and most of the poems in here that are similarly direct and obvious, that make you think of nothing for yourself don't work and never will work. But the only stanza that truly bothered me was the first and there were some good lines, but this definitely can be a good poem with a consistent flow throughout. And if your gonna whine in a poem then I wholeheartedly suggest that you use subtlety. It kinda read like a down-and-out professor wrote this.

for the record:


I know this poem sucked, in all honesty (no excuse) I was drunk and on hour 30 of staying awake and it was a freestyle written in 5 minutes or less.

But reading back I think it was honest, I was completely lost that night and this poem shows it.



I'm actually honored to have some of the top writers on this site critique my work like this. Suprised I can say that as stubburn as I am. But for those that read this poem, all I want to say is,


Stick Around.

it's not bad but it could be better i just have a few tips
first when you say:
All the things I put myself through when I only thought I was becoming untrue.
try making it two lines or put a comma to make it
All the things I put myself through, when I only thought I was becoming untrue.
or
All the things I put myself through
when I only thought I was becoming untrue.
and second try to make it sound a little more like a rhythm and less like something said in one breath by eliminating some of the rhyming or making is sound less forced and remember a thesaurus is a writers best friend!