Conversations

Conversations.

-You have really nice teeth.
-What?
-You do. Braces?
-Nope. Just good genes, I guess.
-Seriously? Come on. Didn’t you ever wear braces, when you wear kid? People don’t get teeth this good without wearing any braces.
-They don’t?
-No. I mean, look at mine. I wore braces for three years, they still look like shit. People, I mean, normal people, they have ugly teeth.
-Well, I never needed braces. In fact, I don’t recall ever going to the dentist that much. I just… don’t give teeth that much thought, I guess. I… What?
-Nothing. It’s just that you should. Fascinating things, they are. Seriously. Teeth are like… I mean, there are so many things I could tell you about teeth that I don’t even know where to start.
-Really?
-No, yeah. I mean it. So much to say. I mean, did you know that crooked teeth are part of our natural evolution? You ever heard of survival of the fittest? Well, half of that is about jaws… and molars… In the future, we’ll need crooked teeth. Because we’ll be able to digest iron and glass. Obviously.
-Shut up, Tim.
-Am I not being funny?
-You talk too much. Seriously.
-Oh. I’m sorry.
-No, I kind of like it. It’s like you never run out of things to ramble about. It’s pretty mesmerizing actually. But… stop talking about teeth.
-You know what I like about you?
-What?
-The way you move.
-Shut up.
-I like your boobies. Boobs.
-Shut up, Tim.
-Jen, it’s alright if you wore braces. I would understand. I come from a braces-friendly family. They would approve.
-Really?
-Really. I mean it. Best girl I’ve ever gone out with. She’s… Fuck, I can’t even talk about it. I mean, I’m telling you this girl is amazing. The conversation is… She laughs at my jokes. I love her, man. Seriously. I think I’m gonna marry her and be done with it. You know, trap her early on.
-She hot?
-She hot? I don’t know. I mean, I like her. A lot. She’s got this brown hair, like… and green eyes. You know? I mean, she’s nice.
-Nice?
-Yeah. Nice. You know. She’s not a porn star. She’s a… nice girl. She’s nice looking. I like to look at her.
-Where did you find this guy?
-I’m gonna have to meet this Jennifer.
-He’s sort of like my cousin. I mean, not my cousin cousin, it’s not like incest or anything, but my mum knew her mum from when they were little kids, and I call his mum auntie and everything. I hadn’t seen him since forever though. He’s like a year older than me. Used to pull my hair a lot.
-What’s incest?
-Alright. Just don’t fall in love with her, or anything.
-I’ll try.
-It’s when you fall in love with your brother.
-Ew.
-Or cousin, or something. I don’t know. He’s really cool, though. I’m going out with him on Friday. Going to see a movie.
-You make out with him, yet?
-No.
-Yes, you did! You slut.
-No, I didn’t. We just talked a lot. Our mums were there all the time, it’s not like we were out drinking or anything. We were with our parents.
-Yeah, right.
-Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia?
-It’s good. I swear it’s really good.
-What the hell is it?
-Molly, just because you let anybody who gets near you scuba dive down your panties doesn’t mean I do.
-Fuck you, bitch.
-Sorry.
-So, what are you gonna go see?
-I don’t know. It’s in some old theatre uptown.
-Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia? You do realize this is a date, right? I mean… Seriously. Next time I’ll choose the movie, alright?
-No way. This is me educating you. If we’re gonna be doing this, you really need to see better films. I mean, what did you want to see?
-I… don’t know. I… Georgia Rules?
-No.
-What?
-No. Seriously. No. You seen Pulp Fiction?
-What’s Pulp Fiction?
-Oh, fuck. Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me that!
-What? What?
-Alright. As soon as we’re done seeing this, we’re gonna go rent you Pulp Fiction. Homework, Jen. Homework.
-You’re a weird guy.
-I like good movies. What’s wrong with that?
-It's really very simple. If you give us the information we want, as to where we can find Alfredo Garcia, we'll give you a thousand dollars.
-Fuck.
-Shit. Wait a second.
-If your information is wrong, then... You, too, are wrong.
-What? What’s the matter?
-I wanna see this part. Just a second. Watch this. This is good.
-What? Come on.
-Dead wrong.
-Ha. Ha, ha.
-We’re making out, right? And it’s really nice. And I’m not even noticing the stupid movie, but then he stops me. He stops me, and says he wants to watch the movie. I mean, what is that? What the hell is that?
-Maybe he’s gay.
-He’s not gay, Molly. He just likes movies.
-Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Hell— You know what? I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m sorry for, but whatever. I’m sorry.
-I don’t want you to say you’re sorry. I want you to be sorry.
-But that’s the point, man. I’m not sorry because I didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t be sorry if I don’t know what I did wrong, right?
-But you should know. I mean…
-You didn’t like the movie? That’s alright. I mean, that’s not my fault.
-Forget about the movie!
-Stop screaming at me, Jen.
-I’m not screaming, we’re talking!
-This is talking?
-You know what I never got? Why would anybody want to conquer the world? I mean, all of these TV shows, and movies, and books, they’re all about the evil guy trying to conquer the world but… Isn’t that like a huge amount of responsibility? I mean, you would have to take care of budgets… and diplomacy, and shit. It would be like a huge amount of work. It’d be one big pain in the ass after another. I mean, check out every video ever made by a President. I mean, don’t they just look worn out? Don’t they look broken? They look broken. And that’s just one country.
-So, what about this girl then, Timmy? You ever called her again, or what?
-Nope.
-Why not?
-I don’t know. She went berserk. I don’t even know if she wants me to call her. Maybe next week. She was really mad.
-But why? Because of the movie? I mean, maybe she was offended or something. Maybe she was like… You know, a movie about a couple driving around with a head in a bag… Maybe she got confused.
-Maybe.
-You gonna call him?
-No. He’s gonna call me.
-And if he doesn’t?
-That’s a good motherfucking movie, though.
-Fuck him, then.
-Yeah. Yeah, it is. Sam Peckinpah, man. Fucking awesome movie.

And they never saw each other again.
The End.

Okay...
random...
It didn't really make sense, I mean there was here and there but still, you should make it more clear to who is speaking.

I understood it until they said "where did you find this guy?" because I thought that they were talking about a girl.

way too choppy

honestly stories don't work as just dialogues, unless its going to be a play.

i could tell where the conversations divided, sortof, but you REALLY need to clarify that. or else it looks like theres no basic plot and youll completely lose your audience.

I didn't find this particularly romantic. The two characters just seemed to go on and on bickering with or analyzing each other.

EDIT: to finish the crit...

Dialogue can be fine, but only if there're distinctions between the people. Like, if given an isolated line, the reader should be able to tell who was speaking, especially if there are only two characters in the scene. Currently, even though I know it's an every-other line pattern, I should be able to tell who's speaking when, but I get confused, so you might want to think about dialogue tags once in a while or some description to break it up.

The swear words seemed put in just to put in swears, not because they advanced the dialogue in any way. When the story is all in dialogue, you have to make sure that each and every word counts, that no word is going to mislead the reader in any way.

The "and they never saw each other again" at the end seemed random, and contradictory to the point of writing a story like this at all.

At the end, I end up asking myself: What was the story here?

wow. that was really fascinating. it was a bit confusing at times cause i couldn't figure out who was talking but it was really fun to read once i got past all that. it didn't need to be as profane. the occasional swear will get the readers attention, if you flood the story with swears and the reader will easily tire of it. nice job veering off the beaten path tho. i liked it
~abby~

Reallly liked it. It was different and quirky. Like, you can tell these two people are totally drawn together, but it never lasts. Sad. But fascinating. And different. Two thumbs up.

Well, this was definitely unique Icaruss, which is why I love your writing so much. Every time I read it it's something different. It's really fun to read, since the basic style gets boring, but... this wasn't up to your usual standard.

Use Your Commas Wisely

You're one of the people who uses commas the rules tell you to. For example:

-Yes, you did! You slut.

Read that out loud. The comma is a pause - if she really said that, would she actually pause?

But then here:

-No, I didn’t. We just talked a lot. Our mums were there all the time, it’s not like we were out drinking or anything. We were with our parents.

If you pause it gives a different affect - it's showing that she's very clear with her answer. No, I did not, rather than the rushed No I didn't.

You need to read through this again out loud and see what commas you can leave out. A lot of these are slowing down your writing, and it's bothersome. It's dialogue - tennis dialogue. I should be able to skim through it and read it quickly, but you try and make me pause when I don't have to, at times when it feels unnatural.

Transitions

I see that there are two main characters, and that there's them talking to each other and their friends. But I can't see the transition.

-Jen, it’s alright if you wore braces. I would understand. I come from a braces-friendly family. They would approve.

-Really?

-Really. I mean it. Best girl I’ve ever gone out with. She’s… Fuck, I can’t even talk about it. I mean, I’m telling you this girl is amazing. The conversation is… She laughs at my jokes. I love her, man. Seriously. I think I’m gonna marry her and be done with it. You know, trap her early on.

The transition above was really well done. The 'really, I mean it...' could be an answer to the other one, but then you show us that it's really a different conversation. However, you don't seem to have such a flawless transition in the other ones, which throws me off.

If you were able to do this everywhere, then you might be able to pull it off. I could tell there was a different conversation here. But most of your transitions aren't smooth or visible, and it confuses the reader.

The Random Ending

That ending was just lazy.

Really, what were you trying to do there? Make a joke? Ditch the narrative and show us that through the dialogue. It threw the whole thing off, and it really sounded like some alternate ending you write as a joke for your friends - not real writing.

Different Formatting

I mentioned that you might be able to do the better transitions, but I'm not sure how well that'll work. I don't feel like I know these people - I don't know who's there when. And that bothers me. I guess it's kind of just like listening to a conversation, but with conversations you can hear the gender and the different voices. Here? They all blend together.

Maybe try some type of scene thing. Like, the first one would be 'Jen and Tim' (I think that was there name's...) Or something like that.

Just play with your formatting a bit. We need to know who's talking.

Voices

So, let's see...

- One character likes movies
- One has a bad taste in movies
- One says 'I mean' all the time

And then there's more, but it doesn't stick out so much.

The thing is, I can tell you did that to make their voices distinct. At least the 'I mean one.'

With your stuff, you have two voices. The potty-mouth in-love guy, and the girl telling him to back off but really in love with him. If you look at all your writing, those are your two voices. For everything. You try to change it a little, and the rest of your character development is so amazing that it works just fine. But here? Your only development is the dialogue. And you can't use two voices for so many people.

All I can say is go people-watch. Listen to them. Write down their conversations, or bits of it, and then have them have a different conversation, studying the way you copied down the original one.

And reading Sam's Parking Lot Sparrows might help. (Suz recommended it for me. xD) She's amazing at having different voices.

You have two amazing voices, but it just doesn't cut it here.

Last Notes

I still love your characters and the amazingly weird conversations they have. xD

PM me for anything at all.

~JFW1415

Well. I have no idea why this was dug up, it's sort of embarrassing. Although I do kinda like it, it's not really good and JFW pretty much summed it all up. Did it after reading a few books that used dialogue for jumping from scenario to scenario, mostly by Mario Vargas Llosa. More of an experiment than anything, I think, and I recycled the ending in Tangled Up In Blue (it's actually a rip off from "Y Tu Mamá Tambien").

Although I'm flattered salsashanno went through the trouble of finding it.

Icaruss wrote:Well. I have no idea why this was dug up, it's sort of embarrassing. Although I do kinda like it, it's not really good and JFW pretty much summed it all up. Did it after reading a few books that used dialogue for jumping from scenario to scenario, mostly by Mario Vargas Llosa. More of an experiment than anything, I think, and I recycled the ending in Tangled Up In Blue (it's actually a rip off from "Y Tu Mamá Tambien").

Although I'm flattered salsashanno went through the trouble of finding it.

*HeadDesk* I'm really sorry! I just kept seeing people post reviews, and it's you, so I was tempted to read it. I figured this many people wouldn't crit such an old piece, so I didn't even check the date. xD

~JFW1415

Wow... im sorry, but that was sad...im not trying to be rude...but i couldnt tell who was talking half the time... it would be a lot less confusing if you would tell it like a story instead of just talking.



XOXOXOXO
Emma

Wow, Icaruss , that was, well…odd, to say the least But in a good way. I mean, it was like the craziest conversation I have ever heard (or read) and it just made me laugh all the way through it. So I guess you accomplished in giving me a good laugh today

Some parts were very confusing. I knew there were two people talking in the beginning named Jen and Tim. But then you started using the name Molly, and I was like, what is going on? I think you may need to clear some stuff up.

Also, I realized later that not every line was a different person talking. Sometimes, the same person talked two lines in a row. That might need to be cleared up as well.

And the ending kind of made me sad they never saw each other again? How….abrupt? You might need to make that clear that they might have been complete strangers in a movie theater just talking ‘cause that’s the vibe I got.

Otherwise, this was decent and an original idea. I don’t think I have read a piece like this so…

Bravo for creativity!