What you see below are two different versions of the beginnings for my now-completed fantasy novel. I wrote the first one when I first started the novel, then went back afterwards and re-wrote the beginning. Now I can't decide which one to use... which is where YOU come in! Feel free to nitpick on my grammar etc if you'd like, but I'm mostly looking for a general opinion on which one I should choose as the beginning of my novel.
Thanks so much!
~MademoiselleKool
P.S. If they both suck, feel free to tell me about that, too.
BEGINNING #1:
"Do you think they will return?" a woman asked in the silence.
"Who is to say? They have never failed in a mission before," replied another man.
"But there were a lot of those slave - I mean, savages," returned the woman, turning red at her mistake.
"Wait...look! I see them!"
All conversation came to an abrupt halt. The crowd gazed upward into the sky, all intense and absolutely silent. Men, women and children stood perfectly still in the dust and heat, the slight swaying of their clothing the only indication that they were not statues.
High in the sky there came into sight three small specks, black against the deep blue of midafternoon. The crowd, as they spotted the distant figures, let out a collective breath, and murmurs started going through the crowd. They became like humans again.
"There! All three have returned!"
"Victory, it must mean victory..."
"The battle must have gone well."
Slowly the crowd began to disperse. As the black specks grew larger and came closer, the people began to hurry their sluggish movements. Before, they had been standing in intense anticipation, but now they began to hurry away from the area, as if loathe to meet those three figures in the sky, now steadily approaching. Soon, all that was left of the large crowd were a few small boys who were playing with clay marbles in the dust behind the large bushes that lined the street.
Directly above the dusty marketplace, high in the air, the three figures hovered, unmoving. Then, one by one, they dropped like stones, falling in a row like beads slipping down a string. They fell straight and hard towards the earth, and it seemed inevitable that they would collide. But the figure closest to the ground made a movement with his shoulders and huge wings spread out on either side of his body. The others, one by one, followed suit. The wings acted like large feathery brakes, and the inevitable crash was now a thing of the past. The three landed smoothly upright in the dust. The three boys who had been playing peeked from behind the bushes, eyes wide, then scattered, dropping their marbles into the thick dust.
"What an uproarious greeting. I feel so overwhelmed," the first figure remarked. One of the others, a female, snorted.
"Do you really? I myself feel almost faint from the wave of gratitidue eminating out of the village we just saved."
The third one looked at them both solemnly. "I don't feel that. I feel more of an oppressive silence."
The three folded their wings in tight on their backs and began walking down the street. They were all human-like in their shape and form. They stood upright on two legs, and they had human heads. Their wings, however, were huge and awe-inspiring, and when spread they had a wingspan of fifteen feet. They walked lightly, and each foot stayed off the ground longer than it should, as if they didn't belong on the ground. Their voices were all higher than would be normal for their age, and had a clear, bird-like quality not present in normal humans.
The first creature was a man and obviously the leader of them all. He looked to be in his late thirties, and had a strong, square chin and a long, hooked nose. He was extremely tall, as were all of them, but his wings still dwarfed his body He had cropped brown hair and a no-nonsense expression, but his warm brown eyes looked as if underneath the stern exterior lay an excellent sense of humor and a sympathetic leader.
The second was a woman. She, like the man, was so much taller than an average woman that even if she hadn't had huge black wings, no one would have mistaken her for a human. She had long, black, curly hair that was bound up, Greek-style, in a golden net. Her face wore a perpetually amused, sarcastic expression.
The third was another man, taller than the woman but not as tall as the other man. He had wavy brown hair that curled a little over his ears. He had bright blue eyes that were schooled into a solemn, innocent expression, even as the corner of his wide mouth quirked up. He had four arms, a feature that none of the others shared.
"I can't believe we do this. It's ridiculous," remarked the woman.
"Well, if you find an alternative way for us to make money, let me know," retorted the first man.
"And until then, Valery, keep your mouth shut," said the third man.
"Nobody asked you, Brad. Ye gods, must you always insert your opinion into everything Erik says?"
"I don't need to be asked, Valery."
Erik, looked sternly at them both. "Stop snapping, you two. We're all tired from the long flight, and we need food and rest. Let's spend our energy finding it. Let's also spend our energy finding that little man with our money."
The other two snapped to attention, Valery reluctantly clamping her jaw shut to keep in another remark, and Brad glaring at the dusty ground beneath his feet.
The three creatures walked through the now-deserted streets towards a large wooden building that towered above the rest of the houses that lined the street.
*******
BEGINNING #2
The man careened towards the ground face first, whizzing downwards so fast his outline blurred in the air. His brown eyes were wide open, watering as the intense wind blasted his face. Following closely behind him were two others, a man and a woman, in similar positions. Their gazes remained fixed on the ground, no sign of fear crossing their expressions even as the narrow street below them loomed closer and closer. Finally it seemed inevitable that the three falling figures were bound for an untimely death, splattered in the dust of a small town in the middle of nowhere.
Then, at the last moment, the man flipped his body upright and twitched his shoulders. Two enormous crimson wings flicked out and slowed his flight, letting him hover only a few meters up as he surveyed the ground in contemplation.
“Come on, Erik!” The woman hovering above him flapped her ebony wings once to keep herself off the ground. “How long does it take you to do a simple landing in an empty street?” She twitched her black curls over her shoulder impatiently.
“Now, now.” The other man grinned, running a hand through his brown curls, blue eyes glowing good-naturedly. “One can’t be too careful about these things. Erik knows there’s a very real possibility that he’ll squash an unsuspecting bug unless he drops just right.” His wings were larger than the others, and he had no trouble hovering on the light breeze.
Erik gritted his teeth, glaring up at his companions, waving his own wings gently to keep afloat. “That’s enough out of you, youngster.”
“Ha, youngster,” the woman snorted. “Speak for yourself. Didn’t they ever tell you to keep your eyes on the ground when you were landing?” She reached out with one leather sandal and pushed down on Erik’s back at the tender spot between his wings. He cursed as he lost his balance and tumbled the short distance to the earth, managing to right himself in time to land with a soft thump, one knee braced on the cobbled road. His companions landed lightly on their feet a moment later, smirking.
“You two must gang up on me,” he muttered as he rose, brushing off the front of his leather trousers. “It’s a plot. Valery and Bradken against the world.”
Valery ignored him, looking around the deserted street. She folded her wings tightly against her back and walked forward, peering over the tall fences that lined the boardwalk. She cocked her head to the side and closed her eyes, frowning as she continued walking.
"What an uproarious greeting. I feel so overwhelmed.” Bradken grinned as he and Erik followed Valery down the dusty street.
Erik laughed, then pointed at Valery, who had pressed her ear to one of the wooden fences. “She’s eavesdropping again.”
“It would be interesting to know what she’s hearing right now,” Brad remarked as they came up behind her. They stood, watching the play of emotions across her face as she stood stock still, eyes still clenched shut.
“Listening in on private conversations instead of just enjoying the oppressive silence,” said Erik sarcastically. “Fun.”
Valery opened her eyes and looked at him, smiling crookedly. “You guys will never believe this - everyone’s hiding because of us.”
“Well,” said Brad, stretching his wings and yawning, “you can’t really blame them. We are a lot taller than they are, and we have wings.”
“It’s not that they’re afraid,” said Valery, waving his remark away with one slender hand. “It’s their reasoning that surprises me. They figure if we came back alive from the mission, that means it was successful, and if it was successful that means we’re a lot more powerful than they originally thought they were, and because we’re more powerful, they should be more afraid.”
“Which is why they’re keeping their children locked up while we’re in town,” Brad guessed, looking around.
“So even though they hired us, they didn’t think we could do it?” Erik shook his head. “People have so little confidence in mercenaries these days. It’s disturbing.”
“It’s the whole ‘we’ll do your dirty work for money’ thing.” Brad whipped a long, leather-handled knife out and started trimming his fingernails. “They’re intimidated.”
Valery scowled. “I never wanted people to find us frightening.”
"Well, if you find an alternative way to make money for the Clan, let me know," Erik retorted.
"We are called the Winged Mercenaries, after all," said Brad snidely.
"Nobody asked you, Brad. Ye gods, must you always insert your opinion into everything Erik says?"
"I don't need to be asked, Valery." Brad smirked at Valery and ruffled his feathers. “It’s one of my best traits.”
“Which is incredibly sad, when you think about it,” Valery returned, a wicked glint in her black eyes.
Erik looked sternly at them both. "Stop that snapping. We're all tired from the long flight, and we need food and rest. Let's spend our energy finding it." He paused and looked over at them, his eyes calculating. "On second thought, let's spend our energy on finding that little man with our money."
The other two snapped to attention, Valery reluctantly clamping her jaw shut to keep in another remark, and Brad glaring at the dusty ground beneath his feet. The three creatures walked towards a large wooden building that towered above the rest of the houses that lined the street.
**************
SO? Which one thinkst thou? Thanks so much for your input.
