The ghost within the walls

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I am the ghost within the walls; I have lived in this house for countless years. And for most of that time I had lived alone. No friends, no company, no future, just marking a path of my own, all alone, wondering it anyone would accompany me.
But, when he came, so full of fear and somehow it seemed fake, I failed to see his ways. To see the true spirit within young Seth that threatened my very existence.
For countless years Seth accompanied me on every path I set and retraced. The look in his eyes as they flickered uneasily about made me nervous. But, still, Seth was a friend and I was stuck with him for eternity. This old house in the middle of nowhere was more likely to rot than sell.
Long ago, the realtor had died. No one had bothered to change the old sign, so now staring out of a window, I hear it creak in the wind and I watch as more of the blue letters, that had once spelt out ‘Ray Donald' fell to the ground among the tangle of weeds and plants.
A sigh escapes me as I hear him coming. He does not speak but lightly raps the wall with his knuckles. I do not want to answer, but, ever since he imprisoned me I must.
I fear the demon who watches my every move that lives under my skin.



Chapter 1 the ghost

Staring out the window I watched the trees sway in the wind. The old for sale sign creaks and groans as it swings back and forth. Sighing I turned my back and slowly headed towards the door. The sound of tire on gravel caught my attention and I zoomed back and looked out. Seth floated in the room and pushed me aside to see. A frown washed over his face, as a tan car stopped in front of the house. I smiled and clapped my hands together, but no sound was made. He whipped around and glared at me, I coward back and decided to investigate.
Out of the large bay window in the main floor, I sat on the bench and watched a man and his daughter climb out of the car and slowly approached the house climbing over weeds and vines. The daughter was clearly not my age, and she dresses oddly, like a boy. Looking down at myself, I was wearing, like always, my red and white checkered dress down past my knees and a white apron with lace. I look normal, her not so much. She was wearing a white colored shirt with no sleeves just string and some type of pants that I’ve never seen. Her hair was odd looking too. It was not braided but hung straight and had the colors of eggplant and watermelon intertwined with strands. Tilting my head to the side, I watched them with eager eyes as they unlocked the door and stepped in. As the door opened, Seth glided down the stairs, to ‘meet’ the visitors. I stood up and walked over to them. I think they liked the house, because they went everywhere. The girl, whose name I learned, was Kaala. I followed her around the house, like a puppy dog. She started in the kitchen and then the dining room and was amazed by the large cobwebbed chandelier that hung in the center. Slowly she made it into the main living room and the library; she was in awe by the large collection of books that lined the walls. This was my favorite room, when I was alive, I used to spend hours and hours reading and rereading the books. My parents urging me to play outside, but I only left that room to sleep, or to the outhouse and the school. Seth growled at us and disappeared, not wanting any of this. Returning to the foyer she climbed the stairs. On the second floor, she went to the two bedrooms and the newly installed room that looked like a indoor outhouse. Down the long hallway, one door remained closed at the end. Kaala walked towards it. “No! Do not go there!” I called, she cocked her head but shrugged it off; I grabbed her shirt and pulled but I was not quick enough. She turned the knob; I covered my face as she opened the door and heard her gasp and she yelled for her father.
The large man came running, the breeze whipping me around in circles. “What?” He asked her, holding her arm. She pointed into the room, I stole a glance. I was forbidden to ever enter this room or he would get very angry with me. A fireplace was boarded up and in a cherry colored paint was a weird star like thing in the center. Wilted flowers lie on the ground next to a circle of candles. This was where Seth was summoned and that was the day I hated.
A group of people broke into this house. They were wearing the color of the midnight sky. During a storm they chanted as the lightning flashed and thunder crackled. When Seth appeared they fled and now I’m stuck with him.
When the door shut, it broke my thoughts, and I blinked the image away and followed him downstairs.




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I've done a fairly detailed critique on your entire piece below.

****

I am the ghost within the walls; I have lived in this house for countless years. And for most of that time I had lived alone. No friends, no company, no future, just marking a path of my own, all alone, wondering it (if) anyone would accompany me.

But, when he came, so full of fear and somehow it seemed fake (so full of fear that it seemed fake), I failed to see his ways. To see the true spirit within young Seth that threatened my very existence. (This is a fragment.)

For countless years Seth accompanied me on every path I set and retraced. The look in his eyes as they flickered uneasily about made me nervous. But, still, Seth was a friend and I was stuck with him for eternity. This old house in the middle of nowhere was more likely to rot than sell.

Long ago, the realtor had died. No one had bothered to change the old sign, so now (,) staring out of a window, I hear it creak in the wind and I watch as more of the blue letters, (cut the comma) that had once spelt out ‘Ray Donald' fell (Change to "fall". You want to keep tense consistent.) to the ground among the tangle of weeds and plants.

A sigh escapes me as I hear him coming. He does not speak but lightly raps the wall with his knuckles. I do not want to answer, but, ever since he imprisoned me I must.

I fear the demon who watches my every move that lives under my skin. (This part doesn't make sense. If you're using "that lives under my skin" to describe the demon, maybe change it to something like "I fear the demon that lives under my skin and watches my every move."



Chapter 1 the ghost [color=cyan](Chapter 1: The Ghost would be less sloppy-looking.)



Staring out the window(,) I watched the trees sway in the wind. The old for sale sign creaks and groans (creaked and groaned - keep tense consistent) as it swings (swung) back and forth. Sighing(,) I turned my back and slowly headed towards the door. The sound of tire on gravel caught my attention and I zoomed (seems like kind of a comical word... maybe that's just me, but if you're not trying to be funny, I wouldn't use this here.) back and looked out. Seth floated in the room and pushed me aside to see. A frown washed over his face, as a tan car stopped in front of the house. I smiled and clapped my hands together, but no sound was made. (Maybe, "I smiled and clapped my hands together, but it didn't make any sound." would be better. Probably I didn't phrase that very well. Just try to stay away from the passive voice.) He whipped around and glared at me, I coward (cowered) back and decided to investigate. (This is a run-on sentence and you should probably split it into two sentences.)

Out of the large bay window in the main floor, I sat on the bench and watched a man and his daughter (How does the narrator know it's his daughter?) climb out of the car and slowly approached (approach) the house(,) climbing over weeds and vines. The daughter was clearly not my age, and she dresses (dressed) oddly, like a boy. Looking down at myself, (Put "I saw" or something like that here) I was wearing, like always, my red and white checkered dress down past my knees and a white apron with lace. I look (looked) normal, her not so much. She was wearing a white colored shirt with no sleeves(,) just string(,) and some type of pants that I’ve (I had) never seen. Her hair was odd looking too. It was not braided but hung straight and had the colors of eggplant and watermelon intertwined with strands. Tilting my head to the side, I watched them with eager eyes as they unlocked the door and stepped in. As the door opened, Seth glided down the stairs, to ‘meet’ the visitors. I stood up and walked over to them. I think they liked the house, because they went everywhere. The girl, whose name I learned, was Kaala. (Here's another fragment.) I followed her around the house, like a puppy dog. She started in the kitchen and then the dining room and was amazed by the large cobwebbed chandelier that hung in the center. Slowly she made it into the main living room and the library; she was in awe by (probably "of" is better) the large collection of books that lined the walls. This was my favorite room, when I was alive, I used to spend hours and hours reading and rereading the books. (This is a run-on sentence.) My parents urging (urged) me to play outside, but I only left that room to sleep, or to (go to) the outhouse and the school. Seth growled at us and disappeared, not wanting any of this. (This doesn't make sense to me. You might want to clarify.) Returning to the foyer(,) she climbed the stairs. On the second floor, she went to the two bedrooms and the newly installed room that looked like a indoor outhouse. Down the long hallway, one door remained closed at the end. Kaala walked towards it. “No! Do not go there!” I called, she cocked her head but shrugged it off; I grabbed her shirt and pulled but I was not quick enough. (This is another run-on sentence.) She turned the knob; I covered my face as she opened the door and heard her gasp and she yelled for her father.

The large man came running, the breeze whipping me around in circles. “What?” He asked her, holding her arm. She pointed into the room, I stole a glance. I was forbidden to ever enter this room or he would get very angry with me. A fireplace was boarded up and in a cherry colored paint was a weird star like thing in the center. Wilted flowers lie (lay) on the ground next to a circle of candles. This was where Seth was summoned and that was the day I hated.

A group of people broke into this house. They were wearing the color of the midnight sky. During a storm they chanted as the lightning flashed and thunder crackled. When Seth appeared they fled and now I’m stuck with him.

When the door shut, it broke my thoughts (I like that way of putting it), and I blinked the image away and followed him (specify who) downstairs.

****

This is definitely an interesting piece. However, I found it confusing. The reader knows nothing about the main character and nothing about Seth. Who is the main character, and why is he/she a ghost? Who, exactly, is Seth? How did this situation come to be? I get the impression that you have this situation figured out very well, since you allude to it, but the reader needs more information to be able to understand it.

Try to watch your fragments and run-on sentences. Also, try to use commas and other punctuation where they're needed, as it makes the work a lot easier to read and is less work for whoever's critiquing it. Another thing I noticed is that you tend to change from past to present tense, which is confusing and choppy, so try to stay consistent on tense as well.

With some more explanation, I think this would be a good read. The part with the weird sealed-off room, with the painted star and the wilted flowers, is nicely creepy. It just needs some more work.

I hope my critique helped you and that I didn't come across as super-picky. Keep writing! :)




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It is coming later! You'll see who Seth is, and who the litttle girl is! Just wait.




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I really like what you have so far. There are a few mistakes so I will just go line by line.

I am the ghost within the walls; I have lived in this house for countless years. And for most of that time I had lived alone. No friends, no company, no future, just marking a path of my own, all alone, wondering it anyone would accompany me.
I love this opening part.

But, when he came, so full of fear and somehow it seemed fake, I failed to see his ways. To see the true spirit within young Seth that threatened my very existence.

For countless years Seth accompanied me on every path I set and retraced. The look in his eyes as they flickered uneasily about made me nervous. But, still, Seth was a friend and I was stuck with him for eternity. This old house in the middle of nowhere was more likely to rot than sell.

Long ago, the realtor had died. No one had bothered to change the old sign, so now staring out of a window, I hear it creak in the wind and I watch as more of the blue letters, that had once spelt out ‘Ray Donald' fell to the ground among the tangle of weeds and plants.

A sigh escapes me as I hear him coming. He does not speak but lightly raps the wall with his knuckles. I do not want to answer, but, ever since he imprisoned me I must.

I fear the demon who watches my every move that lives under my skin.



Chapter 1 the ghost


Staring out the window I watched the trees sway in the wind. The old for sale sign creaks and groans as it swings back and forth. Sighing I turned my back and slowly headed towards the door. The sound of tire on gravel caught my attention and I zoomed back and looked out. Seth floated in the room and pushed me aside to see. A frown washed over his face, as a tan car stopped in front of the house. I smiled and clapped my hands together, but no sound was made. He whipped around and glared at me, I coward back and decided to investigate.

Out of the large bay window in the main floor, I sat on the bench and watched a man and his daughter climb out of the car and slowly approached the house climbing over weeds and vines. The daughter was clearly not my age, and she dresses oddly, like a boy. Looking down at myself, I was wearing, like always, my red and white checkered dress down past my knees and a white apron with lace. I look normal, her not so much. She was wearing a white colored shirt with no sleeves just string and some type of pants that I’ve never seen. Her hair was odd looking too. It was not braided but hung straight and had the colors of eggplant and watermelon intertwined with strands. Tilting my head to the side, I watched them with eager eyes as they unlocked the door and stepped in. As the door opened, Seth glided down the stairs, to ‘meet’ the visitors. I stood up and walked over to them. I think they liked the house, because they went everywhere. The girl, whose name I learned, was Kaala. I followed her around the house, like a puppy dog. She started in the kitchen and then the dining room and was amazed by the large cobwebbed chandelier that hung in the center. Slowly she made it into the main living room and the library; she was in awe by the large collection of books that lined the walls. This was my favorite room, when I was alive, I used to spend hours and hours reading and rereading the books. My parents urging me to play outside, but I only left that room to sleep, or to the outhouse and the school. Seth growled at us and disappeared, not wanting any of this. Returning to the foyer she climbed the stairs. On the second floor, she went to the two bedrooms and the newly installed room that looked like a indoor outhouse. Down the long hallway, one door remained closed at the end. Kaala walked towards it. “No! Do not go there!” I called, she cocked her head but shrugged it off; I grabbed her shirt and pulled but I was not quick enough. She turned the knob; I covered my face as she opened the door and heard her gasp and she yelled for her father.

The large man came running, the breeze whipping me around in circles. “What?” He asked her, holding her arm. She pointed into the room, I stole a glance. I was forbidden to ever enter this room or he would get very angry with me. A fireplace was boarded up and in a cherry colored paint was a weird star like thing in the center. Wilted flowers lie on the ground next to a circle of candles. This was where Seth was summoned and that was the day I hated.
I dont understand this last sentance. Maybe reword it a little.

A group of people broke into this house. They were wearing the color of the midnight sky. During a storm they chanted as the lightning flashed and thunder crackled. When Seth appeared they fled and now I’m stuck with him.
I don't mean to sound repetitive but this sentance I don't understand.And who is they?

When the door shut, it broke my thoughts, and I blinked the image away and followed him downstairs.
Specify who is 'him'?

Other than this keep up the good work I like it! :smt023
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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Since everyone else has already done the detailed critiquing, I just want to add a couple of general comments.

First off, the good news. It was an interesting story, and I want to know more. I also like your descriptions and some of the words you use to build them.

However, I thought it was very hard to follow. I appreciate that you're trying to make this story as mysterious as possible, but I think you made it a little bit too mysterious. You leave the reader confused by the influx of information, and you leave them wondering too much. Who are the characters? How did they get there? Why was the narrator happy at the sight of guests, and why wasn't Seth? Why aren't they allowed to go in the creepy room? (etc.) The story would be much more enjoyable if you eliminated about half of the questions, and left just enough to keep us informed, yet wanting more.

Also, as has been already stated, you need to work on keeping your tense consistent. It's mostly written in past tense, but you lapse to present quite a bit, and it doesn't allow the story to flow as well. If you try reading the story out loud, you'll probably catch most of the errors.

All in all, good plotline, it just needs some clarity.
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