Aurora

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Aurora
By Angel of Death



Relentless.

My heart is heavy in my chest, thick like molasses. Each beat brings pain to my eyes in the form of warm rain. The letter in my hand is burning the flesh on my fingers, yet I cling to it as if my life depended on it. As the train moves along the tracks, I close my eyes and press my ear up to its chest. I can hear it. The veins of this large contraption are bleeding smoke and ash and soot. If you were to peel back its iron skin you'd see nothing but coal and flames.
Chug-a-chug-chug-a choo!! choo!!
Like a Phoenix, its heart is soaring, spreading its fine wings and soaring across the valley. The sky is blue and the sun is yellow but I am gray, my soul is clouded, my mind is a silver lining, bordering happiness but never truly crossing it.

-I stare at the portrait of him and marvel at his coal dark eyes and his strong chin and paintbrush eyelashes. The world was his palette and he colored everything different shades. He make the darkest times shed a ray of light.A tear comes to my eye. The days are growing longer and longer and the strings of sanity are getting shorter and shorter. My head is propped up on my elbow, and my eyes are vicariously living through the window. There s no point on going outside when I can watch the night turn into day, like caterpillar turns into a vibrant butterfly. The door to my bedroom creaks open, I slowly turn to face my mother. Her snowdrop eyes are filled with rain and the bridges that cover her face are cracking and caving in. A tear falls down her frail cheek and stains her paper lips. In her hand she holds a note, and from the way she looks I can tell it bares bad news. He was dead.-

(I've never felt like this before. She's the butterfly wings in my stomach that are fluttering and dancing in intricate knots. Tears are in my eyes in my throat, in my soul and a smile is on my face. As I look up into her eyes, I see the stars and heaven and space. Her irises are Saturn s rings but the beauty of them derives from Venus. Her hand is in mine, warm and alive, like a baby canary, lively and spirited.
Her voice echoes in my mind. She said yes. She s going to marry me.)

-The wind is nothing but God's long hair. It billows and curls but its nothing compared to the great torrents of the wide, illustrious ocean. Each wave is God s words, cleansing my soul of all the evil and the sins that grace my lips and taint my body. He pulls me deeper into his bosom, and holds me away from the devil s kiss. My throat is burning and pain is freezing my veins, but I shall never feel anymore anguish or remorse. He will guide me to springs of living water and will wipe away every tear from my eyes.-

The ring is enclosed in my hand, cutting through my skin like the sword that's hovering over my heart. Sleep wouldn't come and the pain refused to wane. I felt numb and heartless but still the agony of it all was there to keep me company. She was dead. My beloved was dead. I couldn't remember exactly what was written in the letter but after I had sent her the letter saying I was dead, she went crazy and drowned herself. I can see her spiraling to the bottom of a deep, dark abyss, forever falling. If only I had known, if only.

I stare aimlessly out of the window, looking beyond the iridescent clouds and the sky and the stars and imagine she s in heaven. I imagine that all the darkness that shrouds the light will be chased away by the essence of dawn, my beloved Aurora.
Last edited by Angel of Death on Sat Jan 31, 2009 7:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Nitpicks first:

First of all, break up your paragraphs! Those two walls of text would usually turn the reader away immediately.

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman whose seen more than a camera.


The first line is confusing. Try changing the words around or be more direct.

I had an acceptable figure and my short, curly brown hair framed my slender face perfectly.


Break that into two sentences. Her figure and her complexion are two different things.

On the cold wintry nights, I'd go with my boyfriend, Lester, to what we called the rendez-vous point and kiss him under the ivory star.


Start a new paragraph from that sentence. It's also a bit of a run on sentence, consider splitting it up.

There were lights all around us, mainly coming from the giant screen looming over us.


What 'screen'?

Instead of dying with his hand in mine one day, I'll probably pass in this little house alone.


Ah... Your descriptions are getting very confusing. What little house are you talking about? Her house?

My daughter, Patty, lives


Watch your tenses. Why did you all the sudden change it to present tense?


o make things even worse, the town that used to be filled with my closest friends and family is now a ghost town. What happened to them you may ask? Well, back then Monowi didn't hold for wandering souls. So to spread their wings, they found solace in the city. I guess city lights were more appealing than the smiles of the orbs in the sky. My house is ordinary just like me. In its early years, it reeked with life and light. Children with little pigtails and dirty shirts ran through the lungs of this home, pushing in the air of family. In my small yellow and white kitchen that overlooks the mountains, I used to make lunches for my children.


It's meandering everywhere, I'm confused from this point of the story. :(

~~~

I guess I'll stop the nitpicks here because I know that you can find out the little grammar things if you read it over again.

First of all, you need to keep your ideas consistent. I know you're aiming for imageries and some sort of emotional impact here, but it's wayyy too confusing. In order for the reader to relate, we need something that we all understand. I think you need to keep your ideas simpler, having a lady talking about her life aimlessly doesn't really give the reader a chance to 'relate'. Ultimately, keep your description elegant, don't go crazy with it, or the reader is going to be bored by the first paragraph.

Second of all, watch your sentence structures. I understand you're trying to write beautifully, but beautiful does not always mean complex. Keep a balance between simple and complicated.

Well, good luck. :)
It is only when dissonance plays one will find pleasure in consonance.
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“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables