Needs a title

Okay I have changed it around and its still a little long but the ending is what is really bugging me. I need a few pointers for this poem/lyrics. It's going to be in one of my stories and I want it to be perfect. I'm not the best poet and you can probably tell...but tell me what you think.

She came to me in waves of fury
I didn’t know what to say
I stumble over the words I cant speak out loud.
I cling to them to show her beauty
I haven’t yet found anyone like her.

The empty spaces make me crawl
this social scene makes me sick
The same social scene where she gets her fix
And I discover a new way to fall.

Her eyes send me searching
For something better in this world
But I’m caught in between surreal
And what is best for this girl.

Her voice is the one I wish to seek
So smooth like an angels breath.
My eyes will tell her what my mouth can’t speak.
If I can only get her to look at me

Hiya! The title in itself caught my eye, & I thought I'd lend a hand....or keyboard as the case may be. Ok? Ok.

After reading the poem, there's a few things that come to mind.

1. This whole poem kind of reminds me of something an angsty freshman nerd would write about a senior girl he had a crush on. If that's what you were aiming for, great job.
2. You would probably benefit from going back and looking for grammar and spelling mistakes, because I spotted quite a few.
3. This poem seems almost too long when all it says is basically the same point over and over. Is there a way to shorten it and make it more.....powerful? Memorable? I'm not really sure, I guess it's just that I came away from reading that, and it was like.....o-okay?
4.We get that he's totally digging this gal, but is there a less cliche way to say it? Try explaining what it is specifically about this girl that he likes. What about her makes him SO crazy? Is it just that she exists? Is it that she said something unforgetable to him? Is it that she's just simply unatainable?

I think this poem has a lot of potential, but if you're going to add this to a story, some revision would definitly be good. Good luck!

Tootles!

~ Eden

haha! your exactly right. The poem is supposed to be song lyrics for my story 'Untouched' which is around this sight somewhere. The boy who wrote the lyrics will be introduced in a different chapter then the one posted. And they are in completely different social scenes but to explain further would spoil the next chapter and the one after that.

Everything that I've posted has spelling and grammar errors...to tell you the truth, I didn't pay much attention when my teacher went over it in class. I probably either wrote a part to some story or fell asleep. That wasn't really a good move on my part.

and yet the poem is still titleless. I've always had difficulty with titles.

Is it possible to not include this in the story? I say this because it's really really long and it doesn't look like it would fit in a story, at least not without seeming forced and whatnot. I mean, this is probably good to get into writing a story (Lord knows that I've written enough poems for my novels) but I think it would be a bad move to include it in your actual novel.

With that said, this is really long, partly because it is long and partly because it's repetitious. We realize that he is lost without this girl and jealous that this girl has a life on her own that is apart of the guy who wrote this poem. The more he repeats himself, the more we believe that he is a creepy stalker dude who should be hated, simply because if he dwelt on her that much and wrote that much for her... well, he's creepy. Plain and simple. So if that isn't your intended portrayal, you may consider cutting it down. Not only would that seem more romantic, but it may be kind of sweet. In this sort of thing, less is more. ^_^

Hope that helps!

What I'm actually going to do is split up the lyrics in the novel so that 1. they are shorter and 2. because of what has been said before. I rewrote some parts so that the song flows. But i can understand that it may seem creepy to the girl he is writing about.
Both comments helped alot. Thank you.