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Hey there. I'm Jared and I shall be your critic today.

I'm going to be honest here, okay? I know you said that this was your favorite poem, but I didn't like it. It wasn't original, it wasn't fun to read.

And it's all because of your rhyming. I know, I know, I love to rhyme. Rhyming poetry should be fun to read. This, my friend, isn't quite so. It's called being forced. Forced poetry really does suck. I'm not saying your poem sucks. When you are trying to rhyme, you limit yourself to what you are trying to say.

I'll begin with where the forced rhyming comes into action:

As all I do is hate you soul,
And the lie you live will take its toll.

I grimaced at this part. The poem was flowing halfway smoothly until this, and I stumbled over it. I had to read it a couple of times before I could comprehend what it was saying.

Forced rhyming = bad.

(Before I forget, there was a spelling error:

I cry at night and curse your name,
Why did I haft [this should be 'have] to play your game?

)

Back to forced rhyming:

It's bad. Very bad. I'm not even a very great poet, but I know forced rhyming when I see it. It's not pretty. It makes us grimace and not want to read the poem. Read this out loud to yourself. There are some parts that just don't quite fit.

If you change this, maybe--just maybe--this could come out okay, but what I would do is write this in blank verse, which is expressing thoughts and emotions with no rhyming dictating what you are saying. I find that it works a lot better, especially with this kind of emotion.

Otherwise, it was a very good attempt. Keep writing.

-Jared

Ok thanks

[quote="Mental-Monkey"]This my favorite poem that i've ever writen, so enjoy...



[b]They lied to me and I hate you,
For making me believe they were true.

We are dead, we are no more,
Go away, I’ve closed the door. >>aw don't be like that jk

Again you try to lie to me,
And still the truth you can not see.

In your heart, there’s evil there,
You look at me with your lifeless stare. >>>this is good.

Leave me now before I scream,
How I wish this was all a dream. ...here your frocing the rythem don't do that.

I cry at night and curse your name,
Why did I haft to play your game? >>>have.

I am fine, but you are doomed,
But forever now I’ll hold this wound.>>> **shakes head** take this part out.

I lived a lie and went through hell,
Remembering that day I fell. >>no offence but I realy dislike this part like so bad

A single taste was all it took,
Never will I take another look.>>> at what?

I am scared; I am not the same,
I will always wonder if I’m insane.>>this is cheesey. No no no no. It sounds like your whining.

Now I look upon the sky,
And soon will come the day you die.

As all I do is hate you soul,
And the lie you live will take its toll.>>> uh! Please please please take this out.

And I will stand above your grave,
Remembering that hell you gave.

From my hand for all my sake,
I drop a token for your soul to take.

Darkened by hate and dreadful woes,
I bid to you my jet black rose. [/b][/quote]>>>I LOVE THIS ENDING!!!!!
____________-

Ok sorry for tearing up your poem I like this it's cute but your forcing the ryme. Nobody likes a cheesey poem no one. Anyways I love how you ended it it was strong and fierce. I would put it in paragraphs, but then again that's just me. Anywho I like dthis but just think about what I've said. Sorry to be harsh, good luck and keep writing.

as always
-Max