Unconditionly love

My mind says I like him, but my heart says no
My heart says that I love him, that I love him so
I cannot go a day without seeing his face
His smile, his unconditionally love can never be replaced
He makes me feel like a real woman ready for love
I thank God for sending him from above
He comforts me when I am feeling down
He gives me happiness to replace my frown
He comforts me when I am hurt
He's sweet and romantic, he's such a big flirt
He loves me because of the way I act
I love him with all my heart, and that is a fact
I am there by his side through thick and thin
Loving him through out the world until the end

Now before i do anything i would like to say that this poem has great potential and i like the topic. I do however have some issues with it. The sentances in this poem do not have the same amount of syllables as one another. You either need to make them longer or shorter, that kind of thing really annoys me, so now i have said that i will not point out any syllable issues. Ok here we go!

kaylatheyoungwritter wrote:My mind says I like him, but my heart says no
My heart says that I love him, that I love him so- on this bit i'm not sure if i would prefer if you cut out the first 'that' or keep it. I'm not sure which would sound better. It's up to you really.

I cannot go a day without seeing his face
His smile, his unconditionally love can never be replaced-hmmm i don't know about this line i think i would prefer it to be more...about his facial features maybe? Well i don't know i just don't like the sound of this line.

He makes me feel like a real woman ready for love
Thank you God, for sending me this wonderful angel to me from above- good line here, good ideas but it's too long how about something like "thank you God, for sending a saint from up above" Or something along those lines i'm just trying to make it fit into the rhyming line.

He comforts me when I am feeling down
He puts a smile on my face, when I have a frown- maybe something like "He gives me a smile to replace my frown" But that is only an example.
He comforts me when I am hurt
He asked me to marry him for better or for worst- hurt and worst?
For sickness and through health
To never leave him for someone else-wait what? what happened to the rhyme scheme?
I am there by his side through thick and thin
Loving him through out the world until the end

ok umm the rhyming scheme at the end? Where did it go? That threw me. Why did you just suddenly stop rhyming? You need to change that. Also i'm not sure about the ending theme of proposing. I would like it better if you just had the "...comforts me when i am hurt....he asked me to marry him..." lines as just the proposing lines and then maybe go on to talk about the wedding or something? But only say the lines that i picked out the " comforts me when i am..." etc lines if you can rhyme them better (no offense). That also brings up another factor, you have put "he comforts me when i am.." twice. I think the poem would sound better if you changed one line to something different, maybe the first one to something like cheering her up? Ummm i don't think there is anything else i want to pick at. Nope ok so i do like this poem (despite what i wrote) and i think if you just tweak it a little it could be great! Good ideas by the way, i want to see more of these ideas in the near future please ;D

lozzen xx

The main problem with this is the rhythm. You've got the rhyme, but the syllable count is quite off.

My mind says I like him, but my heart says no
My heart says that I love him, that I love him so
I cannot go a day without seeing his face
His smile, his unconditional[s]ly[/s] [no adverbs when describing nouns] love can never be replaced
He makes me feel like a real woman ready for love
Thank you God, for sending [s]me[/s] this [s]wonderful[/s] angel [s]to me[/s] from above
He comforts me when I am feeling down
He puts a smile on my face, when I have a frown
He [s]comforts[/s] [try soothes] me when I am hurt
He asked me to marry him for better or for worse
[s]For[/s] [I believe it is through]sickness and through health
To never leave him for someone else [else and health?]
I am there by his side through thick and thin
Loving him through out the world until the end

You did lose the rhyme a lot at the end. Just patch it up a little and edit the post and it'll get rave reviews.

~Noah~

Hey that is good

Thank you!!!!!!

hi there kaylatheyoungwritter

That was a good poem...not too great but ok.

Here are a few things I noticed.

1)

He makes me feel like a real woman ready for love
I thank God for sending him from above

Here, it looks like you have tried too hard to rhyme "love" with "above" and you made it very obvious that.

2) Secondly, I noticed that there were no full stops. Isn't everyy line the start of a new sentence? I did the first paragraph for you here.

My mind says I like him, but my heart says no.
My heart says that I love him, that I love him so.
I cannot go a day without seeing his face .
His smile, his unconditionally love can never be replaced .

That was it. Next time you post another poem please PM me. Bye and all the best.
-Fun4eva-