مئة الخطايا
Karbala, Iraq - 10 Muharram, 1429 A.H. - 12:41pm
It was a sea of black on the morning of Ashura. We all bent in prayer at Mashhad al-Husayn in honour of our fallen hero, Husayn ibn Ali. Hundreds of thousands of Muslims had come to Karbala just for today—just like every year prior. Somewhere men were reading the soaz and latmiya, and the Sheikh was reliving the battle of Karbala to all his willing, prayer, silent following—even the baby was quiet on this day.
We were meant to be thanking Husayn for his sacrifice as the battle was told, but I was neither prayer nor listening—I could only think of what was to come. In just a short bit of time, the zanjeer matam would start; our mourning clothes would be stripped and replaced by bright white to be stained in red. Hafeez and Umar were still too young to participate, and with our father in the military this year it would just be Qasim and I running with the other Muslim men while our mother and sisters watched and read surahs from the Qur’an.
I was thrown out of my thought process as we were released from prayer. As we stood, our family collapsed in together and began babbling about the rest of the day. A tap on my shoulder pulled me away, “Hey! Khaliq!”
I spun directly into a friendly hug from a family friend, Ibrahim, “Hey Ib.” Ibrahim was to marry my sister, Fatima, at the end of Muharram (we weren’t allowed weddings near Ashura) as my father had promised before he joined into the military.
“Where’s Fatima?” He was genuinely happy with the arrangement, at least there was that much. And for a first wife my sister was perfect. I pointed her direction and was immediately left in the dust.
Qasim and I stepped off to the side into a small room where we had left our garments for zanjeer matam, “You ready for this, little bro?” Qasim smiled my direction as he changed his black pants into white and motioned for me to do the same.
I nodded and pulled my shirt off, replacing it was a white tee shirt which had had the back cut out of it—fabric would defer the ceremony, “First year doing it without father.”
“He’ll be there, somewhere, wishing he was with us. We’re the lucky ones.” Qasim was always the more mature of us, always made any situation more comfortable just with his presence. Ever since I was a boy I followed his footsteps wherever they led, and I would do the same today. “Here.”
He tossed me a chain, string and knife from the pile in the corner to make my zanjeer from. I watched him carefully as he constructed his own. I had done this for nearly ten years on my own, but every year I felt as though I had to relearn the process or all would fall apart. Qasim lay his aside and helped me tie the knife to the end of the chain tightly. He ran his fingers over the blade carefully, pulled a tiny line of blood from his fingertip as he did so. He nodded, handing it back to me, “It’s ready.”
“Let’s go.” Qasim grabbed his zanjeer and we headed out into the streets with thousands of other men dressed in white, blood dripping from their backs as they celebrated.
We stopped on the sidelines for a moment, taking in the thrill of Ashura as if it were a fragrance to be inhaled. Men danced around in circles, ran in packs, jumped up and down. Screaming, yelling, praising as she struck their own and others backs with their zanjeers. Littered sparingly among them were both Iraqi and American soldiers, dressed in full camouflage attire and armed with weapons.
Glancing to my right I found one such American standing beside me, shaking his head slightly. For the past four years these soldiers have invaded our home, patrolled our streets, and sacrificed our people—but they could never understand us, and they would never try.
Karbala, Iraq - 19 January, 2008 A.D. - 1:15pm
Since the fall of Hussein and the shift of power from Sunni to Shi`i, the day of Ashura had become more and more violent. This year was no different than any other as I stood in the crowd, watching boys as young as six years old striking themselves with axe heads, chain, knives, whips and anything else that would cut the skin. It didn’t matter to them that it was illegal—not in the least—and we could do nothing to stop it.
I felt eyes watching me and turned to my left, where a young boy looked me over, unsure of what to think (or what I was thinking). He nodded to him and let out a small smile, but I was not happy to see him in matam gear. Looking over his stature a bit, he couldn’t have been much older than my own son who had just started and seventh grade. I couldn’t even begin to imagine Adam out here in pain with blood running down his back proudly, all just to feel physically what the Muslims felt emotionally thousands of years ago. That didn’t make sense—not for anyone, no matter how young of old.
The boy cocked his head to the side and gave a glance up to the boy beside him. They looked similar, and I guessed they were brothers—but, that was an easy guess here. The other boy was quite a few years older and had a proud look about him, while the younger expressed more fear than anything, but possibly a bit of pride for his brothers attention.
The elder whispered something to the younger, and they ran off into the crowd with chains flying. Such violence for something that happened so long ago. I often wondered about the chain of thought for events like these. Didn’t prophets die so that others wouldn’t have to feel pain?
I shook the thoughts from the head and brought myself back down to my position, surveying the area a bit and looking for suspicions. Since the power change, there was frequently violence other than that of self mutilation on Ashura, and that was our job. We had made a clean sweep of the area earlier that morning, but there was no way to stop one of the millions of people crowding the streets of Karbala from bringing their own explosive—and that’s what we were on the look-out for.
Karbala, Iraq - 10 Muharram, 1429 A.H. - 1:30pm
The first time the zanjeer strikes the back is the worst. I let out a cry as the knife sliced my skin, but no one could hear it—everyone was yelling and crying out. We stood in a group of about thirty men, and the next few hits on my back came from strangers. I nodded to thank them and returned the favor. They say “a single tear shed for Husayn washes away a hundred sins” and that is what we are all about.
Qasim smiled and howled in excitement as he turned to me, silently telling me to turn around. I obeyed and another cut ran through my back. I could feel the blood running down onto my white pants as I returned one for my brothers—an honour we had both saved until this moment and cherished, as we would not touch each other throughout the rest of the ceremony. That was the last strike I would feel the rest of the day; the rest would blend in with the numbness.
We didn’t see it coming. There was a man dressed in white in the middle of the crowd. He was smiling and holding his rather large stomach as he bounced on his feet. It didn’t occur to us that he wasn’t carrying a zanjeer, nor was he missing the back of his shirt. Qasim was on a roll, spinning in circles and twirling his chain above his head before dropping it on a friends back. He didn’t stop to examine this man before extending it to him.
Half a second was all it took for more than fifty men to disappear. Qasim was gone, I couldn’t even begin to look for him. There was silence around the missing circle of worshippers. Soldiers and Iraqis alike lay still in the mix.
“A Sunni!” Somebody yelled, followed by yelling from nearly every man in the crowd. I didn’t scream; I couldn’t. I had been thrown onto a pile of building rubble. I couldn’t move—I could hardly breathe. I couldn’t feel my limbs or my heart beating in my empty chest.
My head fell to the side as a cockroach crawled beside me, scurrying to get to safety, and I wondered for a moment who died so that he could life. Was it Allah? Was it Husayn?
…was it me?
