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Jack woke with a start. He looked over at his clock. It read 10`o clock AM. Crap, he thouhgt, I`m late. Jack imedeately got up and got dressed for his meeting. Once he was dressed for his meeting, he began rumaging through his mounds of notebooks to find the right one. JACKETS no, MONSTERS no, GUNS no, MOTORCYCLES no. Jack continued his search through his notebooks until the right book cuaght his eye. He had read the the title so many times but he couldn`t help reading it just one more time before it was sent away. SWORDS it read. He shoved the book in his bag as he left his house. As he mounted his motorcycle, he felt something vibrate in his pocket. As he pulled his phone out of his pocket, he realized it was Boss, Mr. fletch. Jack answered the phone, expecting to his Boss shouting at him for being so late, but instead, his Boss told him that he was being forced to take a permanent leave of absence. Jack tried to explain that his alarm clock was broken, wich was true, but his Boss wouldn`t buy it. Deciding that he was better off, Jack decided to go back inside and start looking for job offers online, and when that failed, he would either be S.O.L. or he`d draw unimagineably rude things about his former Boss. After Jack`s mind went blank, Jack did something very unusual: he put a blindfold on, he grabbed a notebook, and he started drawing, without a clue as to what it looked like. When he took off the blindfold, he frowned as he saw that the paper was blank, even though he absolutly knew he had made lots of marks on the page. But there seemed to be nothing, like nothing had ever even touched the page. He thought it was something to do with the page.
Last edited by Mario on Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello new person. I shall be your critiqurer today.

First off, you tend to space the 's on possessives, such as:

After Jack 's mind went blank


See? Next, you didn't capitalize the boss's name.

his Boss, Mr. fletch.


And thirdly, this here sentence is errant.

Jack answered his phone, expecting to his boss


Should be "expecting his boss to."
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques



It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief