shadowplay (edited)

Before I start I will like to thank "avers dolar" for all of her help making this piece, as it currently is, possible
*EDIT* OK so I tried to incorporate all of your ideas:
Problems that arose:
1.) These names like "James" were meant to be fillers, but I don’t know what to name him
2.) I left a bit of suspense, and will carry on from there in the next chapter.
3.) I still feel something major is missing, but I’m hoping you guys can spot it

James spluttered and coughed dirt into his hand. He lay on the floor in front of his favorite tavern, “The Full Keg”. After a boisterous row with the owner, Old Sam, he had been forcefully removed.
Rising to his feet, James looked back, staring straight into Sam’s accusing glare. When the inn door slammed shut, it scraped against the floor and kicked up a cloud of dirt and rust. Old Sam threw the deadbolt and turned back to the bar, shaking his head.
James stared onwards gloomily, knowing that this would be the last time he ever set foot in that bar, his haven, again. He knew that there would be nowhere to run from his worries anymore made him even wearier. But he had to accept reality; he turned, rose to his feet and headed for home.
On his way, he walked past small stores and vendors who were closing their stalls for the night. James breathed in the rich aroma from the coffee sellers; purchased a cup, and raised the dark brew to his lips. The coffee cleared Jame's head, allowing him to regain a measure of control over himself. Setting the cup back onto counter, James handed the man a few dollars and with a hurried goodbye he walked away.
Without realizing it, James walked right into the commercial section of the small town. Unable to help himself and overcome by childlike excitement, he pressed his face against the pane of a shop window and peered inside. The store was dazzlingly lit, the light reflected off tassels that hung from the ceiling, in shades of gold and silver. Colorful Cloth covered each available space and every inch of James was green with envy. As James passed the front door, the bellboy shot him a reproachful look, and his hand moved to bar him entry. Looking down at himself, James understood why: his hat was stuffed into his coat pocket, his usually clean cut hair was unkempt and matted with dirt from his fall, and even his clothes were dirtied and pockmarked.
He sighed, and looked at the sign, “Toy Emporium”. His thoughts stumbled back to his daughter, who was waiting for him to return home. She was promised a present almost every single night by her feuding parents His own inadequacy brought tears to his eyes and he recalled a time when he was a better father.
Two years before he was a high-flying, successful General, a would-be- celebrity of the army. The pay was incredible, the prestige and authority he commanded were even better. But those had been difficult time, the precinct was trying to claw its way back to power and were using their top brass as puppets. James was caught drinking one night. Stripped and demoted, he became the bitter reckless drunk pressed against that shop window. The guy, who everyone saw and nobody spoke to, who was avoided, walked around or ignored. He had fallen from such heights; embodied the “that guy” personality, and drunk and sat in his own stench. It seemed the only person who could stand him… was him...
Dragging his hand along the window pane silently, he stared inside again. Every person that saw James gave him either a pitying look or a disdainful one, but he shrugged it off.
He turned to go when he caught his reflection in the mirror. Was that who James had become? If he couldn’t be a roll model for his daughter how might she grow up? Would she one day, without reason or cause give him “the look”, the look that said, “No-that’s-not-really-anyone-I-know.” Then and there, James decided to make things right once and for all, for himself and for his family. Not knowing how, and without any practical plan but the impromptu fire burning fiercely in his soul he tore his eyes from the displays. With new purpose, James quickened his pace and headed home. For once he would not lie to his wife; he would look her in the eyes and tell her exactly where he had been and why, he would finally come clean. In his mind he envisioned a reunion, his wife hugging and counseling him; his daughter sitting on his lap. This thought gave him a bit more pep to his step, his wife and child, waiting at home for him. He hurried onwards.
James passed down and out of the Financial Section he passed under a small arch, ducking his head slightly, and along a dreary lane. He hugged the very edge of the road because it was still quite early and carts and trolleys passed by regularly.
Cutting a left past the “Dewnans and Family’s Bakery”, coincidentally the same bakery he used. Stealing a quick wave at Mr. Dewnan as he crossed the road earned him a long list of unmentionable swear-words. All of which pertained to late fees on some bread and biscuits he had purchased on credit a while back. James dashed along High Street, (a road that cut the town into quarters, and caged the different districts into their own small area) taking care to, this time, avoid the carriages as they trampled past. The High Street worked like a great waterway, all roads eventually converged upon it and quickly flowed out again, into smaller lanes or alleyways all connected and intertwined.
After about a mile on this road he took a left and followed a winding path to the very edge of the city. Here near the great walls, were the poorest reaches, the slums. He could see his house from here; actually it wasn’t a house, after the recent pay cuts at the Precinct he was forced to rent a small apartment above a small family-owned washer house. The stink could be smelt half way up the street.
He was still reeling from the smell when he felt a hand lock off his airway. An arm was slipped around his neck; he struggled to break free from the titanic grip. His hand flew into the air, his fingers curling slightly. Someone jabbed him behind the knee and he collapsed into their arms. Unable to breathe in enough air and unable to struggle anymore, he gave into that beautiful release and slipped from consciousness.
It had grown dark and no-one but a flock of nosey sparrows noticed or heard the unconscious form of James Teal slump to the floor and get dragged into an alleyway. James awoke, instinctively defending himself. His shoulders sagged slightly when he saw a young girl’s inquisitive face, pressed closely to his. Of course these feelings changed when a man, probably her father stepped out from behind an upturned crate. The man’s muscles rippled below his shirt, and when he flexed an ominous vein bulged in his neck. They were wearing short-cutoff pants, their shirt cuffs turned up and their boots supported by an inch of leather.
She cocked her head to one side, like an interested puppy. For a long while James sat on the cold, hard ground while she perched over him, her hands locked behind her back. Always the man hovered slightly behind, never a word passing between them. After a while the stiffness started up. And for the first time James realized he was indeed tied, a short loop of rope cutting off his circulation to both his arms and legs.
With Jame's body returning to normal so did his mind; his first though was that he was about to be mugged or attacked, but by the look of the girls posture James doubted that very much.
James fumbled and attempted to rock back onto his hands succeeding, he scooped up a clump of dirt. Closing his fingers around it he squeezed his hand. Finally, the young girl moved, snapping her fingers as she stepped back. The older man stepped forwards and leaned in towards James, towering over him. He cut Jame's bonds, gripped his right hand in a vice-like-hold and snapped a small collar just above James wrist.
When the man spoke his voice was cracked and hoarse, “Now this band-” he began, but before he could continue he was interrupted. The young girl raised a finger to her lips and pointed to a corner and the man skulked away.
James was amazed at the level of control this young girl had over a man nearly twice her superior. He was even more amazed at her voice, when she spoke, part of him was compelled to listen and obey nearly everything she was saying.
“James teal?” The young girl said his name with such passion and vibrancy.
“Yes?” He responded earnestly, hearkening to her voice.
“W- Who are you,” he managed to say, “Where am I?” James said this more to himself than her but the effects of his words were explosive.
“That is none of your business!” And in that second her façade slipped and suddenly she didn’t seem so persuasive. She must have noted it too; she stepped back and sat on a box behind her, staring deeply into James eyes.
“You work at the precinct don’t you?” She said, a bit harshly
“If I did, and I’m not saying I do, do you think I would actually answer the questions of someone who has me tied and tossed in an alley?” James felt his old resolve and fire flooding his veins; it felt good to be in charge once again.
She scowled darkly, “I don’t think you’re in any position to say whether or not you will answer my questions. That bracelet on your hand will literally take it off in a few minutes; it will contract slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly. Until all the remains of your hand, remains on the floor.”
James looked at his hand and could already see red marks from where the metal was biting into his skin, making it raw and chaffed. But he knew enough about hostage taking to know that you never let the threats get to you, if you did you were consumed and you would never be the same person again. “So that’s why I have two hands, love.” James felt thrilled by his response.
She leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. She smirked slightly, “You know, I actually knew you would say that so I took the liberty of strapping one to your daughters neck, you know for collateral.”
He swallowed back the venom in his throat, he must remain civilized, and he must not fall for the bait. “Collateral would suggest a trade of sorts, what is your proposal? Is it money?
She rolled her eyes, “Please you insult me. Money may be a perk but it’s not my long term goal. no.”
“What I want is for you to now think back to your patrol and tell me the easiest way to get in and out of the castle.” The words rolled off her tongue.
James was stunned, what had he got himself into? “Even if I knew, what makes you think I would tell you? What stops you from leaving me here to lose my hand and a daughter tonight? I doubt it would be a conscience.”
She responded almost immediately, “The very fact that I have the key to both bracers should be enough… but then again I doubt it is.” She reached into her coat and pulled out two small keys, she held them aloof in her clenched fist.
“Well I don’t know maybe we should leave him.” Both the young girl and the man began to walk away. James rose, as he sprung up, he tossed the clump of mud into the man’s face. Ignoring the coils of hate, James wrapped his arm around the young girls throat and pressed the back of her neck with his free hand, Turning to the old man he shouted “Come any closer and she dies, I swear it now look. I have no idea how to get into the palace and I don’t care what rebel groups you belong to you do not assault a copper got it?” He pressed down a little harder, hating the feeling of her empty retches.
The man looked stunned for a bit, not knowing what to do. James took that as a sign and continued on. “Good night, love” He whispered into the young girl’s air, blowing slightly on her air lobe. Her eyebrows arched, her eyelids flickered rapidly. James knew that if he kept this up she would indeed die, even though part of him loathed her for threatening his daughter he still couldn’t bring himself to kill her.
Thinking fast he let her go, as she gasped for air he kneed her in the back of the leg, grabbing the keys from her hand he snapped off his own bracer. She fell flat on her face and didn’t stir again. The man’s eyes were red and he was screaming and clawing at his face.
James turned and ran; all he could think of was hoping the little bastards didn’t know where he lived. As he neared his house he turned, but no one was following him. He banged on his front door till his wife let him in. She was about to open her mouth, when James cut her off.
“Where’s Cidney?” he frantically shook her.
“Have you gone insane!” she yelled, pushing him away from her, she massaged her shoulders. “She’s across the road at your sisters where she spends every afternoon; of course you wouldn’t know-“She was silenced by her husband’s demeanor.
“What the hell happened to you?!?” She began, but she was speaking to no-one her husband was already running.

I hope you enjoy this piece and post comments and suggestions.

Hey there i think i can, my name is Sureal, and I’ll be your reviewer for today. =D

My way of reviewing tends to be to quote sections of your story, and to give suggestions. If I see any technical errors (incorrect spelling or grammar), I’ll point them out too. I tend to give my suggestions by altering the quote, by crossing out bits I think could be removed, and adding in bits I think could improve that section.

Key:

Bolded - Add in.
[s]Striked-out[/s] - Delete.
Underlined - Change for something else.

Alrighty? Let’s being. =D

James spluttered and coughed dirt into his hand. He lay [s]prostrate[/s] on the floor in front of his [s]favorite[/s] favourite tavern, “The Full Keg”.

This is just a personal matter, but I don’t really like the word ‘prostrate’. It just doesn’t seem appropriate for the situation. I mean, really, you don’t need it at all here: if James is laying on the floor the reader will automatically presume he’s lying flat.

Composing himself, James looked back, staring straight into Sam’s accusing glare. When the inn door slammed shut, it scraped against the floor and kicked up a cloud of dirt and rust. Old Sam threw the deadbolt and turned back to the bar, [s]his head[/s] shaking his head.

1) It feels as though we’re missing something here: one moment James is lying on the floor, and the next he’s on his feet, composing himself whist looking back at Sam. You might want to say ‘standing up’, rather than ‘composing himself’, so this doesn’t feel quite so jarring to read.

2) ‘his head shaking’ conveys quite the wrong image in my mind: I imagine his head vibrating and quivering. ‘shaking his head’ makes more sense.

James pleaded with his eyes, knowing that this would be the last time he ever set foot in that bar, his haven, again.

That extra comma just helps reading comprehension.

He knew that there would be nowhere to run from his worries anymore made him even wearier.

1) This part doesn’t actually flow right. It doesn’t make logical sense. Maybe if you wrote something like ‘and that made him even wearier’.

2) You say this makes him ‘even’ wearier, but I wasn’t aware he was feeling weary in the first place.

3) This strikes me as strange train of thought. Surely there are other bars James can go too?

James breathed in the rich aroma from the coffee sellers[s];[/s], purchased a cup, and raised the dark brew to his lips. The coffee cleared [s]James’s[/s] his head, allowing him to regain a measure of control over himself. Setting the cup back onto counter, [s]James[/s] he handed the man a few dollars and with a hurried goodbye he walked away.

1) That semi-colon should actually be a comma; remember, semi-colons are used in places where you could also use a period/full stop.

2) You don’t need to keep on using James’s name. We know it’s him you’re talking about, and repeatedly using his name like this can read a bit weird. Use ‘he’ and ‘his’ instead.

Unable to help himself, and overcome by childlike excitement, he pressed his face against the [s]pane of a[/s] shop’s window pane, and peered inside.

1) I added in some comma’s to help reading comprehension.

2) ‘pane of a shop window’ is a rather bulky phrase. ‘shop’s window pane’ is a lot easier to read.

He sighed [s]deeply[/s], and looked at the sign, “Toy Emporium”. His thoughts stumbled back to his daughter, who was [s]at present[/s] waiting for him to return home.

1) You don’t really need ‘deeply’ there, and it’s usually a good idea to get rid of every adverb you don’t need. Adverbs tend to weaken prose.

2) The phrase ‘at present’ sounds overly formal in the context, so I suggest you cut it.

She was promised a present almost every single night by her feuding parents[s],[/s]. [s]his[/s] His own inadequacy brought tears to his eyes and he recalled a time when he was a better [s]father-[/s] father.

1) It isn’t a comma you need there: you want a period/full stop instead. (If you want, you could use a semi-colon instead, though.)

2) A dash at the end of a sentence implies that the speaker was cut off, which isn’t the case here. I recommend using a period/full stop instead, although a colon (:) could work too.

Two years before he was a high-flying and successful [s]general[/s] General, a would-be- celebrity of the army.

1) I’d stick in an ‘and’, just to help the flow of the sentence. If you don’t want to use ‘and’, you’ll need to use a comma instead (‘he was a high-flying, successful General’).

2) As it’s the rank you’re referring too, and the not the general word ‘general’, you want ‘General’ to be capitalised.

James was caught drinking one night[s];[/s]. [s]stripped[/s] Stripped and demoted, he became the bitter, reckless drunk pressed against that shop window. The guy[s],[/s] who everyone saw and nobody spoke to, who was avoided, walked around or ignored.

1) Although the semi-colon is technically correct there, I think this would work better if you used a period/full stop instead. But this is purely a personal thing.

2) I added in one comma, and deleted another for better reading comprehension.

He turned to go when he caught his reflection in the mirror[s],[/s]. [s]was[/s] Was that who James had become?

In correct use of a comma.

If he couldn’t be a [s]roll[/s] role model for his daughter how might she grow up?

Typo.

Would she one day, without reason or cause give him “the look”, the look that said… “no that’s not really anyone I know”.

Quotation marks give the impression of speaking.

Stealing a quick wave at Mr. Dewnan[s],[/s] as he crossed the road[s],[/s] earned him a long list of unmentionable swear-words.

You don’t want those commas there.

[s]his[/s] His hand flew into the air, his fingers curling slightly.

Missing capital letter.

Someone jabbed him behind the knee and he collapsed into their arms[s]…[/s]. [s]unable[/s] Unable to breathe in enough air and unable to struggle anymore, he gave into that beautiful release and slipped from consciousness.

Personally, rather than have a ellipses there (the three dots), I’d start a new sentence.

It had grown dark and no-one but a flock of nosey sparrows noticed or heard the body of James Teal slump to the floor and get dragged into an alleyway.

You might not want to use the word ‘body’, given that he’s not actually dead.

his first though was that he was about to be mugged or attacked, but by the look of the girls posture James doubted that very much.

Comma for reading compre-

… you already know what I‘m going to type, don’t you? =)

James fumbled and attempted to rock back onto his hands, succeeding, He scooped up a clump of dirt.closing his fingers around it he squeezed his hand.

Lot’s of things wrong with this bit. They’re all fairly obvious, so I’ll leave them for you to fix.

Finally, the young girl moved, snapping he fingers as she stepped back.

Comma. =)

When the man spoke his voice was cracked and hoarse[s],[/s]. “Now this band….” [s]He[/s] he began, but before he could continue he was interrupted.

Your grammar is incorrect here.

Check out this article to see how to do dialogue grammar correctly. =)

he young girl raised a finger to her lips and pointed to a corner, and the man skulked away.

You either need to put an ‘and’ in there (like I did), or change the comma after ‘corner’ into a period/full stop, and make ‘the man skulked away’ into a new sentence.

“James [s]teal[/s] Teal…”

If that’s his surname, it should be capitalised.

“You work at the precinct don’t you?”She said, a bit harshly

Problems. Add in a space, and add in a period/full stop at the end.


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I’ll leave it there, as most of the other stuff I could point is stuff I’ve already talked about: dialogue grammar, and the like. Read over the entire piece carefully, editing as you go, and see if you can’t improve on this further yourself. =)

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Anyway, this is interesting enough, but I felt it was a little slow to start. The real story didn’t seem to really begin until about half way through, but then the beginning helped to establish James’s character, so it’s not a real problem.

Keep on writing.

-- Sureal

I really like it. However, I was a little jarred by the sudden change of pace halfway through and a few things that didn't really make sense. I realize that you probably don't want to info dump about everything, but one sentence about things like "the castle" would go a lot towards reading comprehension. Also, isn't he drunk? If so, how does he suddenly have the reflexes to attack the man and hold the girl hostage?

I found this part a little weird: "He ran until he cleared the street. He ran up the stairs, kissed his wife and ran to his bedroom." since you already said "He ran until he cleared the alley." I would change "cleared the street" to "reached his house".

It also seems like he should be more concerned for his daughter's welfare. Shouldn't he at least call to check up on her?

James pleaded with his eyes, knowing that this would be the last time he ever set foot in that bar, his haven, again.

I'm not sure on 'pleaded with is eyes, maybe you should change that. His haven is a cut in so you need commas on both sides.

The coffee cleared James’s head, allowing him to regain a measure of control over himself.

Change the bolded area to his.

It seemed the only person who could stand him… was him.

He turned to go when he caught his reflection in the mirror, was that who James had become?

Change this into two sentences.

Would she one day, without reason or cause give him “the look”, the look that said, no-that’s-not-really-anyone-I-know.

Usually a 'look' has hyphens seperatin' the words instead of spaces.

He could see his house from here. Actually, it wasn’t a house, after the recent pay cuts at the Precinct he was forced to rent a small apartment above a small family-owned washer house.

Again things need to be in seperate sentences.

James fumbled and attempted to rock back onto his hands, succeeding. He scooped up a clump of dirt, closing his fingers around it he squeezed his hand.

He cut James’s bonds, gripped his right hand in a vice-like hold

James Teal

“W-who are you?”

Stuterin' sounds better.

She leaned forward, resting her hand on her chin.

The italisized part should be changed to "resting her chin on her hand."

“Please, you insult me. Money may be a perk but it’s not my long term goal. No.”

“The very fact that I have the key to both bracers should be enough… but then again I doubt it is.” She reached into her coat and pulled out two small keys.

[quote]“Well, I don’t know, maybe we should leave him.”

Good story so far. I saw a lot of problems so you might want to read it over better next time. If you need anymore revies just ask.

Boon the Werewolf

Hello and thank you for reviewing. I took all of your advice to heart, Sureal!

Rukuen, I'm sorry if this part left you a bit confused, you see there is an intended prologue that comes with this but its just so difficult to put the effort in to write it.
You let drop some very interesting questions dealing with plausibility, when I wrote the second half of this I admit that didn't cross my mind, I will however go back and try and do something about it.

Thank you all

My apologies boon XD... i didn't see your post before I responded.

Comments in red, as per usual.

James spluttered and coughed dirt into his hand. He lay on the floor in front of his favorite tavern, “The Full Keg”. After a boisterous row with the owner, Old Sam, he had been forcefully removed.
Rising to his feet, James looked back, staring straight into Sam’s accusing glare. When the inn door slammed shut, it scraped against the floor and kicked up a cloud of dirt and rust. Old Sam threw the deadbolt and turned back to the bar, shaking his head.
James stared You've already used "stared". I'd say he looked down, or something, instead. onwards gloomily, knowing that this would be the last time he ever set foot in that bar, his haven, again. He knew that there would be nowhere to run from his worries anymore made him even wearier. Read over that last line. It doesn't make sense. But he had to accept reality; he turned, rose to his feet and headed for home. If he is rising, we assume it is to his feed. Use either he "rose and headed..." or he "got to his feet and headed..."
On his way, he walked past small stores and vendors who were closing their stalls for the night. James breathed in the rich aroma from the coffee sellers; purchased a cup, and raised the dark brew to his lips. The semicolon should be a comma, but it really seems like there are too many actions crammed together in one line. I'd revise it. The coffee cleared Jame's Either James' or James's. head, allowing him to regain a measure of control over himself. Setting the cup back onto counter, James handed the man a few dollars and with a hurried goodbye he walked away. He doesn't really have to say goodbye at all, does he? He doesn't appear to know the man. Just say that he hurried away.
Without realizing it, James walked right into the commercial section of the small town. Unable to help himself comma and overcome by childlike excitement, he pressed his face against the pane of a shop window and peered inside. The store was dazzlingly I'd personally strike "dazzlingly". lit, the light reflected reflectingoff tassels that hung from the ceiling, in shades of gold and silver Tassels like fabric tassels on curtains? I don't think they really reflect light all that well.... Colorful Cloth "cloth" ought not be capitalized. covered each available space and every inch of James was green with envy "green with envy" is cliche on it's own, and made worse by the fact that you've just been talking about colors.. As James passed the front door You never said that he left the window., the bellboy shot him a reproachful look, and his hand moved to bar him entry. Too many pronouns. Looking down at himself, James understood why: his hat was stuffed into his coat pocket, his usually clean dashcut hair was unkempt and matted with dirt from his fall, and even his clothes were dirtied and pockmarked. I don't really think that clothes can be pockmarked. That's a skin thing.
He James sighed, strike the comma and looked at the sign, “Toy Emporium”. His thoughts stumbled back to his daughter, who was waiting for him to return home. She was promised a present almost every single night by her feuding parents Period. His own inadequacy brought tears to his eyes This sounds a little trite. I'd put more of his own thoughts in, instead of just telling us that he's about to cry. and he recalled a time when he was a better father.
Two years before Before what? "Two years before, he had been flying high. A successful General, a would-be celebrity of the army." he was a high-flying, successful General, a would-be- celebrity of the army. The pay was incredible, the prestige and authority he commanded were even better. But those had been difficult times, colon the precinct was trying to claw its way back to power and were was using their top brass as puppets. James was caught drinking one night. Stripped and demoted, he became the bitter reckless drunk pressed against that shop window. I don't understand. They used the top brass as puppets...but he was top brass. Why wasn't he used as a puppet? The guy "one", no comma who everyone saw and nobody spoke to, who was avoided, walked around or ignored I'd strike the last clause or change it to "...spoke to, who was ignored or avoided.". He had fallen from such heights; Strike everything. "He now embodied..." embodied the “that guy” personality, and drunk and sat "personality, drinking and stewing in..." in his own stench. It seemed that the only person who could stand him… was him... "who could stand him was himself."
Dragging his hand along the window pane silently, he James stared inside again. I thought he had already passed the door? Every person that saw James gave him either a pitying look or a disdainful one, but he shrugged it off. You're repeating yourself.
He turned to go when he caught his reflection in the mirror. Was that who James had become? If he couldn’t be a roll "role" model for his daughter comma how might she grow up? Would she one day, without reason or cause comma give him “the look”,Question mark the look that said, “No-that’s-not-really-anyone-I-know.”Question mark: new paragraph. Then and there, James decided to make things right once and for all, for himself and for his family. Not knowing how, and without any practical plan but the impromptu fire burning fiercely in his soul he tore his eyes from the displays. With new purpose, James quickened his pace and headed home. For once he would not lie to his wife; he would look her in the eyes and tell her exactly where he had been and why, New line. he would finally come clean. In his mind he strike "he" comma James envisioned a reunion, colon his wife hugging and counseling him; his daughter sitting on his lap. This thought gave him a bit more pep to his step argh the unintentional rhyme!, his wife and child, waiting at home for him. He hurried onwards.
James passed down and out of the Financial Section he passed under a small arch, ducking his head slightly, and along a dreary lane. He hugged the very edge of the road because it was still quite early and carts and trolleys passed by regularly. Do we need the information about the financial section? Cut it.
Cutting a left past the “Dewnans and Family’s Bakery”, coincidentally the same bakery he used. That last line is a fragment. Stealing a quick wave at Mr. Dewnan as he crossed the road earned him James a long list of unmentionable swear-words. comma All of which pertained to late fees on some bread and biscuits he had purchased on credit a while back. Leave it at "on credit". James dashed along High Street, (a road that cut the town into quarters, and caged the different districts into their own small area) Unneeded information. Cut the parenthesis. taking care to, this time, avoid the carriages as they trampled past. He took care before as well. The It's just called "High Street"; cut "The". High Street worked like a great waterway, all roads eventually converged upon it and quickly flowed out again, into smaller lanes or alleyways all connected and intertwined.
After about a mile on this road he took a left and followed a winding path to the very edge of the city. Here near the great walls, were the poorest reaches, the slums. He could see his house from here; actually it wasn’t a house, after the recent pay cuts at the Precinct Okay, now is this a police precinct? Because you said that he was a General, but Generals are in the army, not the police force. he was forced to rent a small apartment above a small family-owned washer house. Pick one thing to be small: the apartment or the washer house. The other will be tiny by default. The stink could be smelt halfdashway up the street.
He was still reeling from the smell when he felt a hand lock off his airway. An arm was strike "was" slipped around his neck; New line. "James struggled..." he struggled to break free from the titanic grip. His hand flew into the air, his fingers curling slightly. Someone jabbed him behind the knee and he collapsed into their arms. Unable to breathe in enough air and unable to struggle anymore, he gave into that beautiful release and slipped from consciousness. I'm sorry but he was a friggin' General. He's got to have some type of self-defense knowledge.
It had grown dark and no-one but a flock of nosey "nosy". Unless they have big noses. sparrows noticed or heard Strike "or heard" because hearing would be noticing. the unconscious form of James Teal slump to the floor and get dragged into an alleyway Uh...he's in an alley? I thought he was up the stairs. Also, I'd say "...noticed the body of James teal being dragged...". James awoke, instinctively defending himself. His shoulders sagged slightly when he saw a young girl’s inquisitive face, pressed closely "close" to his. Of course these feelings changed when a man, probably her father comma stepped out from behind an upturned crate. The man’s muscles rippled below his shirt, and when he flexed an ominous vein bulged in his neck Is his neck beneath his shirt? These seem unconnected. Is he flexing his arms or his neck?. They were wearing short-cutoff pants, their shirt cuffs turned up and their boots supported by an inch of leather. They're both wearing the same thing?
She The girl cocked her head to one side, like an interested puppy. For a long while James sat on the cold, hard ground while she perched over him is she sitting or standing? "Perch" implies sitting., her hands locked behind her back. Always the man hovered slightly behindYou've just used "behind", never a word passing between them. After a while the stiffness started up. "the stiffness started up"? I've no idea what that means. And for the first time James realized he was indeed tied, a short loop of rope cutting off his circulation to both his arms and legs.
With Jame's body returning to normal so did his mind; his first thought was that he was about to be mugged or attackedDude he already was mugged and attacked., but by the look of the girlapostrophes posture James doubted that very much.
James fumbled and attempted to rock back onto his hands New line. succeeding, he scooped up a clump of dirt. Closing his fingers around it he squeezed his hand. Finally, the young girl moved, snapping her fingers as she stepped back. The older man stepped forwards and leaned in towards James, towering over him. He cut Jame's bonds, gripped his right hand in a vice-like-hold and snapped a small collar just above James wrist. Wait I don't get the dirt thing. What was that about?
When the man spokecomma his voice was cracked and hoarse, New line. “Now this band-” he began, but before he could continue he was interrupted. The young girl raised a finger to her lips and pointed to a corner and the man skulked away.
James was amazed at the level of control this young girl had over a man nearly twice her superior. Are they ranked by gold stars? Or do you mean "superior" size or something? He was even more amazed at her voice, Colon or new line.when she spoke, part of him was compelled to listen and obey nearly everything she was saying.
“James tcapitalizedeal?” The young girl said his name with such passion and vibrancy. Uh...I think not. That just sounds creepy.
“Yes?” He responded earnestly, hearkening to her voice. So does he respond earnestly or just manage to get something out?
“W- Who are you,” he managed to say, “Where am I?” James said this more to himself than her but the effects of his words were explosive.
“That is none of your business!” And in that second her façade slipped and suddenly she didn’t seem so persuasive. She must have noted it too; she stepped back and sat on a box behind her, staring deeply into James eyes.
“You work at the precinct don’t you?” She saidasked, a bit harshlyPeriod.
“If I did, and I’m not saying I do, do you think I would actually answer the questions of someone who has me tied and tossed in an alley?” James felt his old resolve and fire flooding his veins; it felt good to be in charge once again.
She scowled darkly Scowls tend to be dark, yes. (Cut the adverb.), “I don’t think you’re in any position to say whether or not you will answer my questions. That bracelet on your hand will literally take it off in a few minutes; it will contract slowly, oh so agonizingly slowly. Until all the remains of your hand, remains on the floor.”
James looked at his hand and could already see red marks from where the metal was biting into his skin, making it raw and chaffed. But he knew enough about hostage dashtaking to know that you never let the threats get to you, if you did you were consumed and you would never be the same person again. “So that’s why I have two hands, love.” James felt thrilled by his response. Cut the description. It's unnecessary and lowers the impact.
She leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. She smirked slightly, "She leaned forward and rested her chin on her hand, smirking."“You know, I actually knew you would say that so I took the liberty of strapping one to your daughters neck,New line. you know Strike "you know". for collateral.”
He swallowed back the venom in his throat, New line.he must remain civilized, and he must not fall for the bait. “Collateral would suggest a trade of sorts, he said. New line. what is your proposal? Is it money?close quote.
She The girl rolled her eyes, “Pleasecomma you insult me. Money may be a perk but it’s not my long dashterm goal. Comma, not period. no.
“What I want is for you to now think back to your patrol and tell me the easiest way to get in and out of the castle.” The words rolled off her tongue. Um. What year is this set in?
James was stunned, Period. New line.what had he got himself into? “Even if I knew, he said. what makes you think that I would I'd tell you? What stops you from leaving me here to lose my hand and a daughter tonight? I doubt it would be a conscience.”
She responded almost immediately And it would be even more immediate if you struck this description and just moved to dialog., “The very fact that I have the key to both bracers A "bracer" is a type of forearm armer. I think you mean "bracelet"? should be enough… but then again I doubt it is.” She reached into her coat and pulled out two small keys, New line.she held them aloof "aloft" in her clenched fist.
“Well I don’t knowComma maybe we should leave him.” Both the young girl and the man began to walk awayWhen did the man re-enter the picture, and who just said that?. James rose, as he sprung up, he tossed the clump of mud into the man’s face. Ignoring the coils of hate, James wrapped his arm around the young girls throat and pressed the back of her neck with his free hand, Turning to the old man he shouted “Come any closer and she dies, I swear it New line.now look. I have no idea how to get into the palace and I don’t care what rebel groups you belong to colon you do not assault a copper got it?” He pressed down a little harder, hating the feeling of her empty retches. What exactly is a "retch" and how do you empty one?
The man looked stunned for a bit, not knowing what to do. James took that as a good sign? sign and continued on. “Good night, love” He whispered into the young girl’s air "ear", unless she has a personal air bubble., blowing slightly on her air lobe "ear lobe" Also, he's creepy.. Her eyebrows arched, her eyelids flickered rapidly. James knew that if he kept this up she would indeed die, even though part of him loathed her for threatening his daughter he still couldn’t bring himself to kill her.
Thinking fast comma he let her go, as she gasped for air he kneed her in the back of the leg, grabbing grabbed the keys from her handcomma and he snapped off his own bracer. She The girl fell flat on her face and didn’t stir again. The man’s eyes were red and he was screaming and clawing at his face. But he doesn't attack James?
James turned and ran; all he could think of was hoping the little bastards didn’t know where he lived. Uh. He was at home when the picked him up. As he neared his house he turned, but no one was following him. He banged on his front door till his wife let him in. She was about to open her mouth, when James cut her off.
“Where’s Cidney?” he frantically shook her. Cut the description. It's very trite.
“Have you gone insane!Question mark.” she yelled, pushing him away from her, New line. she massaged her shoulders. “She’s across the road at your sisterapostrophescomma where she spends every afternoon; New line. of course you wouldn’t know-“She was silenced by her husband’s demeanor. Took her long enough.
“What the hell happened to you?!?” She began, but she was speaking to no-one New line.her husband was already running "down the steps".

Better, but logical fallacies remain. Read over my comments and consider them.
Let me know if you have questions, or if you ever need another review.

Avens

G'day Avens, sorry I took so long to reply, I'll get to work on that immediately