The Coat -WB yeats

HEYY EVRYBODY
well, im a nerd, luv english, nd in sum spare tym rote ma own version of or class poem WB Yeats-The Coat, i think it makes sence :P, buu yer, let me know what you think k, the good nd the bad :D
coz im here to learn :D

ok, well, here the original just to give you an idea

I made a song a coat
Covered with embroideries
Out of old mythologies
From heel to throat
But the fools caught it
Wore it in the worlds eyes
As though they'd wrought it
Song, let them take it
For there is more enterprise
In Walking Naked


nd mine

My asperations and creations all intwined
Coloured with my imagination
but, gave out false information
Armoured my body warm and confined
But then came the others
Showed the world all my fears
'Till seams of my dreams turn to tears
They tore it up like sheep to shears
And now i have no covers
though i learn more in Walking Naked

lol, yer tell me wat you think :P
and ill b replyin :D

Hello! First of all, welcome to YWS. I'm an evil critiquer, so hopefully you won't mind my critique too much. I like your attitude of wanting to learn, so I'm hoping that you'll take what I have to say and improve with it. You're right--we're all here to learn.

In addition, to being an evil critiquer, I'm also an evil moderator in YWS, so I just want to warn you that you really really must speak in standard English when writing. I had to spend about ten minutes, just trying to decode all the chat language that you used. So save the chat language for when you're chatting with your friends. Don't use it in YWS.

Okay! Now for the critique.

The main difference with Yeats poem and yours is his has more specific imagery. Its nouns are more specific. Consider, the nouns of his poem are bolded:

I made a song a coat
Covered with embroideries
Out of old mythologies
From heel to throat
But the fools caught it
Wore it in the world's eyes
As though they'd wrought it
Song, let them take it
For there is more enterprise
In Walking Naked

So you can see that the words that are bolded are very specific and there's no real wiggle room for interpretation, as far as what he is saying when you look at it at face value. Let's look at your poem now:

My asperations and creations all intwined
Coloured with my imagination
but, gave out false information
Armoured my body warm and confined
But then came the others
Showed the world all my fears
'Till seams of my dreams turn to tears
They tore it up like sheep to shears
And now i have no covers
though i learn more in Walking Naked

What are your aspirations? What are your creations? We don't know. So already, the imagery is not very strong. And when you say imagination, that also gives us a very vague idea about what you are talking about. The only one who can really make real sense of this is yourself, because you know yourself completely and absolutely. The average reader will not understand this poem. We don't understand what "others" you are talking about and so on.

So look at Yeats carefully. His poem succeeds in his use of strong imagery and noun choices. When he says embroideries, it means something very specific and we can relate to it at once. Cut out the abstract nouns that hide in your poem and come up with stronger words. It'll be much better that way.

Hope that helps!

My asperations and creations all intwined

Coloured with my imagination

but, gave out false information

(Comment: This line bares no impression. It shouldn't be here because it doesn't even support the rest of the poem)

Armoured my body warm and confined

(COmment: "armoured my body, warm and confined." is better use of grammar here, and also, what in the poem by WBY makes you think the coat was an armor? Just something you should re-consider. Coat doesn't necessarily have to be protection, it make be adornment or just comfort (like wrapping yourself in warm clothes out of the laundry because it feels nice, like I do))

But then came the others
("others" is vague. Since its a response, I would be specific, because it's YOUR poem not WBY, you can name those "others.")

Showed the world all my fears
(What in WBY's poem says that the coat "hid" anything? Especially fears? If it's a response, and for you a coat would hide fears, you need to state that in the beginning lines which clarify why the coat was made. and then you can be specific about such "fears")

'Till seams of my dreams turn to tears
(I liked the imagery of seams in concerns to a coat, but look how this is the ONLY time in which such a strategy is used. Compare it to WBY who uses it throughout the poem. Still, this is a good line.)

They tore it up like sheep to shears
(It seems like you were just needy for a line here. This is a metaphor that doesn't correlate with the intentions and theme of the poem. Doing this only cheapens your poem.)

And now i have no covers
(Well, that's true. You don't.)

though i learn more in Walking Naked
(Notice how you express remorse because you walk naked and have no coat, while WBY sees it as beneficial and better than his coat? This is NOT your version of "The Coat" and don't ever call it that. It's a RESPONSE. Saying such things can get you in legal trouble for one, because you don't adhere to WBY's message.)


Well, you took it somewhere new and I like that. I would critique you on that it's not "The Coat" anymore, its a response. If it was a version it would be the same story, but you added somethings. I don't think your poem highlights follows the criteria of what the "Coat" by WBY was about. Your interpretation in the poem is great, but you really need to work on actual literary analysis because that's not the point of his poem. Also, I agree with snoink about the vagueness of it all, it wasn't as concrete. That is another reason the poem can't be called a "version" of "The Coat." The two purposes of the poem are completely different and the concreteness of the poem is as well. I really like your idea though for taking classic poems and turning them into your own, I think I'll try to do that too. It's really beneficial learning wise because you can easily see what the difference is.