i'm so sorry

I'm so sorry,
i left him all alone
crying on his bed.
I had no choice
they made me!
I swear that I'm so sorry.

He called me,
but i ignored him.
I'm sorry,
does he forgive me?
I'm sorry.

I'm such a fool.
I didn't think that he would do it!
It is my fault
I'm so sorry.

You are his mother,
couldn't you stop him?
How could he?
I'm so sorry

I'm alone now,
he killed himself,
and it's all my fault.
How could i?
I should have listened!
Now he is gone,
now I'm crying,
i'm so sorry.

This is a hard subject, first of all, and not everyone is brave enough to tackle it. I applaud you on that.

One remark I have, though, is that you've made a few of the lines too wordy, not... efficient enough. For example,

I didn't think that he would do it!

strikes me, as the reader, as being too long. Do you really need the last two words? Is it more effective your way than to write "I didn't think he would!"?

I found it strange that you only used contractions part of the time.

You are his mother,
couldn't you stop him?

In the same sentence, in two separate lines, there is a contraction and a phrase that would become a contraction in daily speech.

At the end, don't forget that you've capitalized the pronoun "I" through the entire poem.

This poem was touching. Grief and guilt - two things that are hard enough to handle separately. Keep up the good work.

I like the idea that you're shooting for, but you didn't hit the bulls-eye. The poem is very sketchy and the idea was hard to grasp at first. Give us something to look at. Maybe describe the way you cried, how you looked, something like that.

Also, your repetition of sorry didn't work the way I think you wanted it to. Make sure it fits the flow. Also, when using repetition like that I find it much easier to repeat it on the same line for each stanza. I don't know, it might work.

Your over all flow is also a mess. Take your words and find a better way to convey your idea. Try bending them and making it look more appealing. If you work on imagery it should fall into place.

I really like the idea. When you have time to correct it I'll go through it with you if you like. Not many people write like this and I want it to make the message I think you are trying to get across. If not, It is your poem, let me know when you've finished ok

~Mr. Pie

great poem i like what you are saying.that kinda sounds mean...but i just like the poem
ok, just a couple things:

1) typo-

How could i?

the i should be I since you are reffering to yourself.
2) I get that you want to show that you are sorry, and that is the point of the poem (one of), but in this part

He called me,
but i ignored him.
I'm sorry,
does he forgive me?
I'm sorry.

it only says "i'm sorry" twice, but that was enough to kind of take away from the stanza andthe meaning of what you are trying to say. then it makes me focus on the next "i'm so sorry" instead of the poem. (this is in my perspective, so you can choose to ignore it if you wish.)

Now he is gone,
now I'm crying,

for some reason that sounds funny to me. i don't know how you could fix it, but i just thought i would let you know and see if you could come up with anything else. you don't have to, it's just a suggestion.

that's all i found to fix all in all it was a great poem and you have an amazing talent

happy writing

well
the idea behind it was nice
and brave
no doubt
but
i
personally
think
that rhyming words make a greater impact
and with your idea
the impact will be huge
well
nonethless it was good
and everyone has their own way of expressing
themselves
just practice more
and choose your words wisely
cause poetry is all abt words only
the better they are
the better the poem will be

umm, well, i agree that its a hard topic to tackle, buu well, u really need to work on it, the stanza structure was all over the place, there wasnt enough imagry for the audience to really feel for the character, it was difficult for me to really see what you could see, therefore difficult for me to connect, and be concerned about the storyline.

i suggest that you should paint more of a picture fr the audience, were they going out, why'd she leave, the more we know, or what we want to know about the story brings it to life.

i also think an expantion to your vocab would help give this the edge, but its not really a neccesity, with that said it could also make a difference in future writing, and possible have an affect on your technique.

again i think th rythm should b focused on a little more, with this lay out, a good 'beat' is often the key to perfection :D:P:D

with all this said id like to dwell on the fact you show great potential, and, im sure that with practiseyou could really improve this.
i think it would be good for you to keep this, then, in a few years time go over it again and you'll see just how far you've come

:D:P:D

i'll keep an eye out for your stuff mate :D

This was a really deep poem, and has potential to be great.
Everybody already covered the grammatical things, etc.

I agree with spike that you should add some imagery to this poem. It would become much more effective that way.
I also agree with piepiemann that the concept was rough and a bit difficult to grasp at first. But perhaps you intended for it to be that way.

Overall, nice job. The flow was fine except for a few places and even with the lack of imagery, it had deep emotions and purpose.


-GC10