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Clearly I am indecisive, and bad at titles. If anyone has any suggestions for a better title, do please tell me, it’s killing me.

I want this sucker to be good, and it isn’t, not yet. So, my dear YWSers, help me please?


Removed because I'm submitting this. Thank you all for your help!

This was nice. Very calming. I was a bit confused at first, but I soon got the hang of what you were doing and I really began to enjoy it properly.

Do you have a translation for the Spanish? I could make it out by the other things you said, I think, but I'd like to know what a couple of the phrases were.

Now for your critique!

Alejandro bolted his toast

bolted down

been five, six then

five or six

Alej, Alej, little brother – you would have been proud.

Unless I've forgotten something, you haven't mentioned Alej before, so I don't know why he'd be proud. You need to tell us a bit more.

That's all I could find that I felt I needed to point out, although I'm sure others will be better nit-pickers than I am.

I really liked this. It was sweet, and sort of pretty, if you understand me. I'm jut wondering, is Ama mother? Because I gave up Spanish and as a result forgot everything apart from Hola and Adios.

Good job.

Hey Tosh! Welcome to YWS!

*knows Spanish* Maybe you should have a key somewhere for those who don't.

Describe Alej a little more. I'm a little unsure why he should be proud, or why she thinks that at the time that she does.

I do like this a lot. It reminds me House on Mango Street, except much more condensed. One thing I kept thinking the entire time: How old is this girl? She seems very young at the beginning, and then suddenly he's in love and moving to America. You could detail her development as a girl. A child, suddenly a teenager, suddenly entering the world.

I think you need to make this longer. Not exceptionally long, but add more detail to the scenarios that you have here.

@ Chocoholic, thank you! Alej is the Alejandro mentioned in the beginning, would it make more sense if I kept his name as Alejandro throughout?

@ Clograbby, I really appreciate the feedback, it's good to have someone look at it who doesn't know everything that took place out of the story, you know? Also, I am flattered by the Allende thing.


A reallyreally late thank you to you both for the critiques! (Is this considered resurrection if the lateness is due to me being on holiday?)