Moment

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is this horribly cheesy?

  • Yes! Its horrible! I'm throwing up sugar right now! 100%
  • Not really... No votes

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An excerpt from my novel series the Realm.

Try listening to clair de lune while reading it. That was the soundtrack i had in my head.

and also: Yes I am aware I am a giant girl and have a soft nougatty centre. leave me to my soppy romance, there will be plenty of swordfighting and battling evil creaures in the book too don't you worry.



And the ending. The ending the ending the ending. Cheesy.

Crit welcome ^_^


------------------------------

MOMENT


Myarii smiled as the minute snake coiled itself around her fingers and blinked its big eyes at her.

"He's so cute. What's his name?"

"Barker."

She stroked the delicate feathery wings on it's head, watching the it close its eyes in the sunshine. It was funny how he nuzzled his head into her palm just like Lostdog did.

"I've never seen one like him before", she mused, noticing how the sunlight brought out pink and purple tones on its smooth green skin.

"Is that a good thing?" Evandar asked from his seat on the vast root of a tree.

"Yes," she answered, trying to figure out how to phrase her next thought. "I...like seeing new things."

With a sudden gleam of an idea in his eyes, he got up and unwrapped Barker from her hand.

"Ev, what are you-" she began.

"close your eyes."

She eyed him suspiciously.

"I can show you something new. Something you've never seen before. just shut your eyes" he pleaded. "please?"

"But I don't know what you-"

He came forward and took her hand in his.

"Suit yourself"

She blinked and the blacksmith's yard was gone. Stone dips and platforms had replaced it, the hollows filled with steaming water, a natural honeycomb of pools.

"the Cinely Springs. But how did you-?" she started in awe. Evandar grinned at her, slipped his fingers between hers and held tight.

She tried to keep her eyes open, but with the briefest black of her eyelids, they were suddenly standing on the ledge of a cold mountain, the sky a vivid blue in sunset. A huge ethereal dragon burst across the sky towards them.

It snapped its jaws and she was about to die, then she opened her eyes and they were at the foot of an astronomical tree gazing up through the branches as tiny jewel like flutterbys dusted the leaves with gold.

All the while she gripped Evandar's warm firm hand and he showed her sight after sight, each one only lasting the briefest of seconds.

She watched as a girl danced for gold in a city square, as a mother duck's egg gave way to her fourth tiny ball of feathers, as a crown was placed on the newly coordinated King, as a boy of five or six wandered lost in a crowd.

She felt her eyes rushed with water, from the power of it all. She turned to him, the background around them still flickering every few seconds to a new place, a new time.

"how can you-? I mean how do you?"

He traced a finger over the Time symbol on his face.

"Its my Halfelement gift," he said softly, "A moment any where. anywhere in time."
She’d taken on a hushed tone unconsciously, a mood of reverence and respect replacing the playful one of minutes before.

"It is a true gift,". She brought her hand up to follow where he left off, tracing the lines and swirl on his cheek.

He grazed her nose, her eyelids fluttered shut.

"Ev?" she whispered, leaning her forehead on his.

"Mmm?"

He smelled of metalworkers chemical and daffodils.

"Tell me again. Tell me what a moment is."

He passed his lips briefly over hers before answering.

“Eight heartbeats. A moment is eight heartbeats that are worth more than eight years.”

She kissed him, soft and carefully as the sun rose and creatures came to life and mourned for those who’d left it around them and they were lost in time and in the beauty of the world.
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MOMENT


Myarii smiled as the minute snake coiled itself around her fingers and blinked its big eyes at her.


"He's so cute. What's his name?" SAID WHO, YOU HAVE SPECIFY

"Barker."


She stroked the delicate feathery wings SNAKES HAVE WINGS? on it's head, watching the it close its eyes in the sunshine. It was funny how he nuzzled his head into her palm just like lost dog did.


"I've never seen one like him before", she mused, noticing how the sunlight brought out pink and purple tones on its smooth green skin.


"Is that a good thing?" Evandar asked from his seat on the vast root of a tree. RUN ON SENTENCE, SIMPLIFY

"Yes," she answered, trying to figure out how to phrase her next thought. "I...like seeing new things."


With a sudden gleam of an idea in his eyes, he got up and unwrapped Barker from her hand.


"Ev, what are you-" she began.


"close your eyes."


She eyed him suspiciously.


"I can show you something new. Something you've never seen before. just shut your eyes" he pleaded. "please?"


"But I don't know what you-" WHO SAID IT? YOU NEED TO SPECIFY


He came forward and took her hand in his.


"Suit yourself" SAID WHO? SPECIFY


She blinked and the blacksmith's yard was gone. Stone dips WHAT ARE STONE DIPS? and platforms had replaced it, the hollows filled with steaming water, a natural honeycomb of pools.


"THE Cinely Springs. But how did you-?" she started in awe. Evandar grinned at her, slipped his fingers between hers and held tight.


She tried to keep her eyes open, but with the briefest black of her eyelids, they were suddenly standing on the ledge of a cold mountain, the sky a vivid blue in sunset. A huge ethereal dragon burst across the sky towards them.


It snapped its jaws and she was about to die, then she opened her eyes and they were at the foot of an astronomical tree gazing up through the branches as tiny jewel like flutterbys dusted the leaves with gold.


All the while she gripped Evandar's warm firm hand and he showed her sight after sight, each one only lasting the briefest of seconds.


She watched as a girl danced for gold in a city square, as a mother duck's egg gave way to her fourth tiny ball of feathers, as a crown was placed on the newly coordinated King, as a boy of five or six wandered lost in a crowd.


She felt her eyes rushed with water, from the power of it all. She turned to him, the background around them still flickering every few seconds to a new place, a new time.


"how can you-? I mean how do you?" SAID WHO, EVEN IF I KNOW WHO IS TALKING YOU HAVE TO SAY WHO SAID IT, ALSO THE PLACES THAT WERE MENTIONED ABOVE NEED TO BE MORE DESCRIBED, I KNOW IT IS SUDDEN PLACES BUT THAT DOSN'T MEAN THAT THEY CAN'T BE MORE DESCRIBED


He traced a finger over the Time symbol on his face.


"Its my HALF ELEMENT gift," he said softly, "A moment any where. anywhere in time." WHAT IS THE OTHER HALF ELMENT GIFT? IM CURIOUS
She’d taken on a hushed tone unconsciously, a mood of reverence and respect replacing the playful one of minutes before.


"It is a true gift,". She brought her hand up to follow where he left off, tracing the lines and swirl on his cheek.


He grazed her nose, her eyelids fluttered shut.


"Ev?" she whispered, leaning her forehead on his.


"Mmm?"


He smelled of metalworkers chemical and daffodils.


"Tell me again. Tell me what a moment is."


He passed his lips briefly over hers before answering.


“Eight heartbeats. A moment is eight heartbeats that are worth more than eight years.”


She kissed him, soft and carefully as the sun rose and creatures came to life and mourned for those who’d left it around them and they were lost in time and in the beauty of the world.


OVERALL I LIKED IT BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO MAKE THESE CHANGES TO MAKE IT BETTER, PM ME WHEN YOU HAVE MORE POSTED OF THIS PIECE :D
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watching the it close its eyes in the sunshine.

Remove the word 'the'

"close your eyes." ... "just shut your eyes" he pleaded. "please?"

A little issue with capitalization. 'Please' should be capitalized and there should be a comma after 'Just shut your eyes.'

Stone dips are what? Are they stone steps in the middle of water, like a trail? Please specify what those are.

All the while she gripped Evandar's warm firm hand and he showed her sight after sight, each one only lasting the briefest of seconds.

There are some comma flaws in this part of the sentence. Usually, this would be 2 sentences. I would recommend spliting it up with a semicolon, like such: "All the while, she gripped Evandar's warm, firm hand, and he showed her sight after sight; each one only lasting the briefest of seconds." (I might be wrong with this grammar structure though, so I would double check with someone.)

She felt her eyes rushed with water

When I read this, I first thought you meant she was drowning. If you mean tears, put tears instead of water.

"Mmm?"

He smelled of metalworkers chemical and daffodils.

The last line can be in the same paragraph as Evandar's response.

“Eight heartbeats. A moment is eight heartbeats that are worth more than eight years.”

Cute!

She kissed him, soft and carefully as the sun rose and creatures came to life and mourned for those who’d left it around them and they were lost in time and in the beauty of the world.

Run-On! Please cut it in half. Possibly get rid of the 'and' in between "around them" and "they were lost?"

------

All in all, that appeased the lovey-dovey, romantic side of me. You did have a lot of capitalization mistakes, ones that are easy to change. Also, your paragraphs are very short. Plump 'em up a little! Some of the descriptions of what was happening and the characters can be in the same paragraph as the dialogue.

If you want me to look at anything else of yours, I would love to. You said this was an excerpt from one of your novels? I would love to read it! Feel free to PM me! :)
“Oh, I-I-I’m sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself and dreaming about candy bracelets.”
-Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs




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Well the story was good and so was the style you wrote it but it seemed a little hmmmmmmm well a little
well anyway there is something missing. As if the girl was not actually surprised that 'Ev' or whoever he was had a 'halfelement' gift. PM me when you post more please as like i said before the story is fine and exciting to me. Also if you don't understand what i have said PM me or just reply here.
--
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Okay in answer to everyone's comments...:


thanks! Im glad you liked it! And yes, I'll go back and fix the capitals ^_^

-Barker- yes he is a snake with wings on his head. he's a rare breed, and this is a fantasy novel. To go into more detail, he's named after my best friend Rachel Barker, who when I was drawing Evandar and asked what detail/accessories I should give him yelled that he should have a pet snake with wings on its head. It stuck.

-the stone dips are natural pools, like bowl shapes embedded in the stone. I'll go back and make that clearer.

-Both Ev and Mya belong to the Elementar religion, where everyone is initiated into their own element at fifteen. There are five elements, Air, Fire,Earth,Water,Time, and these in turn are divided into Halfelements. For example the Halfelements of Water are Rain and River. When initiated everyone gets their Halfelement Gift (thats why Myarii isn't surprised he has one, just that its such a strong one) which is induvidual to the person but will be connected to their Halfelement. Wow that didn't seem so complicated when I was creating it.

-Yes I should change water to tears. I only used that cause i feel like i'm always using that expression, but i suppose its really the only one that makes sense. thanks for pointing that out.

-About the rest of the novel. I'm a disorganized writer. I've been working on this particular series for a couple of years now and still haven't gotten much through the first one (which is currently called Amber Beach). I write what interests me, and don't work in order (i think this particular piece will probably end up in the second installment) but i have lots of little snippets or chapters like this so I'll most likely be uploading more when I can be bothered to type them.

:D

again thanks for all the support
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