The Sky and The Earth and me

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 46
You know, I think I've heard something like this before. I dunno, but I think I memorized it from

somewhere and then wrote it randomly. Tell me if you've heard it before.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I am the sky,

and the sky is in me,

and

If I am the earth,

and the earth is in me,

Wherever will I be?
With this magical drrrink I shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwhahahaha!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 61
I'm not entirely sure how to critique this.

I can enjoy a short poem. Heck, Emily Dickinson fit in a ton of meaning in her poem "Fame is a Bee" with only four short lines, but I'm not entirely sure I like this.

If you really want to have success with a really short poem, in my opinion, you need to have a powerful, slightly mysterious message. While I did have to think about this for a minute or two, considering this a contemplative poem, I think you hit it on that mark. There's something about this that just makes me feel... empty inside. It lacks an impact, and unfortunately, I'm at a complete loss as to how you could fix it.

I'm sorry, this review is probably little to no help, but that's all I have to say.
"If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3925
Reviews 160
It sounds similar to something...I just can't think of WHAT.

But I have to agree with the poster above me; the meaning doesn't necessarily be obvious, but I think small poems sometimes lack that real OOMPH that bigger ones carry often through buildups and whatnot...

It's almost too simple, to be honest. It's a great piece, just a bit too simplistic for its own good. See if you can expand a bit and it should be better.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.



Not tryna sound like a houseplant but sometimes all you need is food water and sun and suddenly everything is better
— Quillfeather