Swapping Your Blood with Formaldehyde (Part 1 and 2)

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Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
don't you know that you could've died
(you should've died)

-Andrew Bird, "Fake Palindromes"

1929; Part 1; [038. Knot]

Outside, past the stained-glass windows that smoldered like a trillion crushed rhinestones, past the veil drifting over her eyes like meadow spiderwebs, Lena could see the sky.
She found that it was crying tears in the shape of cookie-cutter clouds, incandescent with peace, and joy, and fulfillment. It sobbed with the sounds of robins rolling warbling operas down the courtyard at the front of the church. It blushed blue.
A deep, passionate blue.
Facing her, was an archangel named Matthew.
Except instead of the standard set of cherubim albatross wings and flowing robe, he was dressed in a double-breasted suit and was slipping a ring onto her finger. The ring felt like heavy. Bloated with the decades to come. The future months and years of clutched hands – papery and x-ray transparent, eventually – and being nestled together like twins in a womb 'till death do us part.
And even then...
Lena was pretty sure that love could stand up to more than the proverbial sands of time.
She was pretty sure that their love could span heaven and hell and earth like bridge cables (which looked to her more like braided licorice whips than anything else). Matthew's ring would be their antioxidant, their solidified fountain of youth. If they had to one day, she would have him melt it down until it was a puddle of napalm-toothpaste, divide it between them in shot glasses, and toast to immortality.
If she had to.
Lena was positive that regardless of whether they were six feet in the ground together and being buried by shovelfuls of eulogies and funeral dirges, that somehow they would still be holding hands. Like they were now.
Matthew smiled at her. His smile was a fishnet. “How about a kiss, Doll?”
And he lifted the bridal veil.
Their kiss sloshed in Lena's stomach like good wine. Superb wine.
The priest smiled, the organist bleated notes from the organ like smoke from evening pipes, and Lena could hear her mother crying in the pews, commiserating with the sky.

Part 2; [010. Bleach]

The smell of onions scrubbed the air like bleach on a kitchen floor.
Matthew was sitting at the table, his neck-tie loose, his sleeves blood-stained with ink and rolled up, with the bills and their finances strewn across the dining room table. His eyes bulged like ping-pong balls. He held a glass of scotch in his right hand.
Above him, the air was agitated by a ceiling fan and churned and boiled with all the viscosity of petroleum. He had decided an hour ago that cheap scotch and the smell of so many onion bulbs – little Byzantine church domes – being butchered in the kitchen by Lena did not mix together. He was sick. He was sick of the house, the world, the smell. He was sick because the stock market was a fat man walking a tight rope and Marion Tobacco was bleeding baubles of spit and blood all over the boxing ring floor of business.
Not to mention that he was out of a job.
Lena didn't know yet.
Lena could go to hell for all her cared.
And she could take her pearl strings of onions with her.
He drained the last of the scotch and looked at the glass thoughtfully. It swirled like a kaleidescope. Belly-dancing for him.. He was slowly realizing that he was more or less a social pariah now. All his friends were strangers. Every glass of scotch he drank was dieing his lovely sapphire blood a rosy, lip-stick shade of red. Now, he was an aristocrat without his head. And his head was lying at the feet of the corporate bastard who had put him out of a job over at Marion, like a cigar tip from a guillotine-style cutter.
His father would be proud.
He swore and threw the glass across the room. The sound it made as it splintered into a constellation of slivers sounded like a woman's scream. Or crunching bones. The grandfather clock ticking of Lena's knife against the cutting board ceased.
His wife appeared at the door.
Her hair was wilting like sun-stroked poppy blossom.
Slowly, Matthew lifted a house payment bill from the bank and folded it neatly in half as Lena glanced at the shards of glass arranged on the floor like tea-leaves in a fortune-teller's cup.
"Something wrong, darling?"
Matthew smiled and folded the bill again, this time in quarters. He was thinking he would make a paper hat. Something steepled and double-corned; Napoleanic, maybe. Or a boat. A sloop spattered with a million little letters and numbers, as if the phone book had decided to vomit all over it while docked in harbor. A boat that when it sailed, left alphanumeric ribbons of blood like bread crumbs for hungry sharks.
Lena walked closer and rested her hand on his shoulder. "Darling?"
The paper crinkled in his hands. "You know, doll? Some people are real bastards."
"Hard day?"
He laughed. "Terrible day."
Her hand slipped down his arm as she knelt at his feet, which was perfumed with onion. She smelled as if someone had bombed an onion paddy and now the skunk-scent was sprawled in the air like mustard gas. He imagined that the smell was so thick, that he could float his origami bill-sloop on it.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
She hesitated. “Is that the house payment?”
“Yes.”
His fingers crisped the edges and lines of the paper boat and he placed it on the table in front of him. All he needed now was a wine bottle to smash against the hull and a name for it. Above them, the fan made little maelstroms in the air and the corners of loose finance reports jerked up and down like piano keys.
They were playing funeral dirges.
He could tell.
But it wasn't his funeral.
“Doll, there's a second bottle of scotch in the cupboard. You mind getting that for me?”
“It's almost supper, Matthew.”
“I need a drink.”
“Why don't you just talk to me about what happened, huh?”
Matthew slammed his fist on the table and knocked Lena's hand away from his shoulder, his face suddenly drawn and whitewashed. He felt his lips hardening into pencil lines. Lena's hands were like crumpled autumn leaves in her lap. And she was staring at them hard.
And then he whispered, “Get me the scotch.”
“You're already drunk, Matt.”
“I could care the hell less!”– his voice was crescendoing – “I'm sick and tired of not getting any respect around here, I'm sick of this sinkhole, I'm sick of this town, and, Godssakes, I'm sick of you!”
His chest blistering, inflating like a balloon, Matthew shoved his chair to the ground, stood, and slapped Lena as hard as he could. His knuckles stole a little gasp from her chest and her cheeks blossomed red like streetlights. Screaming, Matthew grasped the edges of the dining room table and heaved it over, paper escaping into the air like rustling doves from an unlatched cage.
The room bled Merlot.
He was going to kill someone.
He just had to.
Matthew took the fallen chair in his hands and flung it across the room where it shattered against a mirror, punching broken smiles in the glass. Lena was clawing at his pant legs, begging him to stop. The whore. The simpering, cowering whore. Snarling, he took a hand full of her hair – like a yarn ball of puppet strings – and shoved her head against the wall.
Crack.
Again.
The second time punched a jagged hole in the plaster board and she was writhing underneath him and there was mortar dust in her hair like snowflakes. The alcohol and the anger and the narcotic high of the situation sang through his bloodstream like scratchy notes from a gramophone. At the door, a neighbor was banging at it with a fist. Their voices were muffled like Gregorian chants in monastic hallways. Matthew shoved his wife away and bolted for the kitchen, his nostrils gangrene-infected with the smell of the onions. The smell of those God-awful onions! He swept them off the cutting board and they thudded to the ground inoffensively.
Lena was sobbing behind him.
The front door was splintering.
Get out, get out, get out!
He flung open the basement door, took the steps three, four at a time and sprinted through the room for the doors leading to the outside. Wisps of cold, damp air combed through his hair like wire brushes and the silence amplified his ragged gasps.
Dust fluttered in the air like glitter.
Sobbing suddenly, Matthew fumbled with the latch on the cellar doors – which rattled like a chain links – and then shoved them open. Sunlight burned forest fires in his eyes and the grass seemed to scream as little bladed necks were broken underneath his shoes.
Somewhere in the house behind him, there was an origami sloop floating on tiny oceans of devastation.
Last edited by Kylan on Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Bonjour! So, I'm here a lot earlier than I thought I would be. You better love me a lot more than you did previously, or I'm just going to have to drill a hole in your head.

Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
don't you know that you could've died
(you should've died)
-Andrew Bird, "Fake Palindromes"


Just a note. On the main page, this isn't italicized. But now that I'm on the "Reply Page" and it has the thing at the bottom, it is. I had this code problem with one of my stories. You have to put the italics code for each new line, and it won't work with the line breaks. I don't know if that made sense? I might be rambling about nothing.

Outside, past the stained-glass windows that smoldered like a trillion crushed rhinestones, past the veil drifting over her eyes like meadow spiderwebs, Lena could see the sky.
First, I have to say I love this for an opening. The first word is beautiful, and the parallelism with "path the..." helps the sentence to flow, and forces you to read. I don't understand your usage of smolder, and I also think "trillion crushed rhinestones" is too much. This might be because I want to remove trillion, or because I hate he word rhinestones. I'm also not sure why a meadow spiderweb is any different than a usual spiderweb, and why this word matters.

She found that it [s]was crying[/s] cried tears in the shape of cookie-cutter clouds, incandescent with peace, and joy, and fulfillment. It sobbed with the sounds of robins rolling warbling operas down the courtyard at the front of the church. It blushed blue.
I'm not sure I like the "She found" filter you start with. I also don't like that you refer to the sky as "it" the whole time - saying, at least once, and in the first line, "the sky" would work better. Try to avoid the passive voice, unless it looks like one of those lines where it has to be (this one didn't). Some of your descriptions here are too abstract for me to like, or they're too wordy. I'm not sure what the shape of a cookie-cutter is, because cookie-cutters come in sooo many shapes. Squares, circles, stars, Christmas trees, ghosts? I don't know how something is incandescent with peace, joy, fulfillment, or any other word meaning happy or something like that. I also just don't like how you're using those words to describe the sky, because I still can't tell what you're trying to say about the sky. I love the sounds in the next sentence, except "rolling warbling", mostly because my brain freaks out and I don't know how to understand it. (Note: Brains read one word at a time, so the rolling throws us off, and then we can't figure out how to get the "warbling" to work without rereading the sentence. These are called Garden Path Sentences and they're really fun and you should click this link) I love that the sky blushes blue.

A deep, passionate blue.
These adjectives, despite popular believe, do not make blue more blue than it already is.

Facing her, was an archangel named Matthew.
Remove the comma, although I would so much, overall, prefer "An archangel named Matthew faced her," but whatever.

Except instead of the standard set of cherubim albatross wings and flowing robe, he was dressed in a double-breasted suit and was slipping a ring onto her finger
Either tack this on to the previous sentence or cut "except".

The ring felt [s]like[/s] heavy [COMMA] bloated with the decades to come. The future months and years of clutched hands – papery and x-ray transparent, eventually – and being nestled together like twins in a womb 'till death do us part.
I'm not sure how a metal can be bloated - it's just a bad metaphor. I also don't understand the aside, "...papery and x-ray..." all of that. I don't understand it whatsoever. If you take out the aside and read the sentence, it makes no sense. I kind of like the metaphor, the twin thing, I really do, but it's written too messy for me to like it as is.

If they had to [COMMA] one day, she would have him melt it down until it was a puddle of napalm-toothpaste, divide it between them in shot glasses, and toast to immortality.


Lena was positive that regardless of whether they were six feet in the ground together and being buried by shovelfuls of eulogies and funeral dirges, that somehow they would still be holding hands.
I love this so so so much although I completely hate that you've been telling us a lot of how Lena feels, because I don't like being told anything for a long period of time! (Will blab more later)

His smile was a fishnet.
I think I would like this more if it made sense.

[s]And[/s] He lifted the [s]bridal[/s] veil.
Earlier you just say veil, so there is no point in saying bridal here. Also it's assumed, and I don't like how it sounds there.

Their kiss sloshed in Lena's stomach like good wine. Superb wine.
Only you don't kiss people inside their stomachs. No, hah, I'm being harsh. I know what you're saying but I think you need to add a "felt" - because the kiss didn't go inside her stomach, but the feeling of it is in her stomach.

The priest smiled, [s]the organist bleated notes from the organ like smoke from evening pipes[/s] the organ bleated notes like smoke from evening pipes, and Lena could hear her mother crying in the pews, commiserating with the sky.
On the commiserating part - I don't know, honestly. I looked up the word, because I didn't know it, and it's, essentially, to feel or express sorrow for, sympathy for. to pity. I'm kind of confused, then on the "with the sky" part. I could understand to the sky, sort of, screaming in the air? But the sky doesn't have any emotions - or does it? So...doing it with the sky is weird. And. I think I'm just rather confused.

The smell of onions scrubbed the air like bleach on a kitchen floor.
Hahah. As much as I love this line, I think it's too mixed. I can't imagine scents scrubbing the air. It's too...it just doesn't work?

his sleeves blood-stained with ink and rolled up
Okay. Saying they were blood-stained means, obviously, they were stained with blood. Saying they were stained with ink means they are ink-stained. So... maybe you were trying to do something cool and new, but it doesn't work at all and just makes it sound ugly. His sleeves were ink-stained and rolled up - not only does it make more sense, it flows a lot better.

He held a glass of scotch in his right hand.
US prohibition was from 1920 to 1933. Unless this scotch was bootlegged (and I could have assumed it was, but, you know?) he wouldn't have it. I think, and it's just my opinion and from my study of the era, that if he had scotch it might not be in a glass. A lot of people had flasks, often shaped as other things (a teddy bear, I read in a primary document) or... I don't know. I somehow think the prohibition would affect him more - maybe it shows up later, I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too much of a historical fact idiot.

Lena could go to hell for all he[s]r[/s] cared.


It swirled like a kaleidescope. Belly-dancing for him..
I really hate these weirdo incomplete sentences you have, because you can just put a comma after "kaleidescope" and there you go! This might be me attacking your style - and if it is tell me to stuff it. Additionally, you have two periods after "him". Either this was an overexcited ending, or a half-felt ellipse. ^_^

He was slowly realizing that he was more or less a social pariah now.
I don't like the "was" repetition, so perhaps, He slowly realized.

Every glass of scotch he drank was dieing his lovely sapphire blood a rosy, lip-stick shade of red.
I don't understand the color change-thing... why is it doing that? Perhaps I'm a generally perplexed person, hah.

Now, he was an aristocrat without [s]his[/s] a head.
This looks/flows better, imho.

Now, he was an aristocrat without his head. And his head was lying at the feet of the corporate bastard who had put him out of a job over at Marion, like a cigar tip from a guillotine-style cutter.
Ew. I hate the repetition. It sounds so gross.

Now, he was an aristocrat without a head. It lied at the feet of the corporate bastards who had put him out of a job over at Marion[what is Marion?]...

Additionally. What is Marion?

The sound it made as it splintered into a constellation of slivers sounded like a woman's scream. Or crunching bones.
Redundancy. As well: this fragment sentence works! Yay.

Her hair was wilting a like sun-stroked poppy blossom.


Slowly, Matthew lifted a house payment bill from the bank and folded it neatly in half [COMMA] [s]as[/s] while Lena glanced at the shards of glass[COMMA] arranged on the floor like tea-leaves in a fortune-teller's cup.
I'm not sure about the word arranged. It's too strong - he threw the glass, they should be random. It works for the metaphor, but not entirely for the situation...? I don't know how to change it, though. I thought the comma would make it better but it didn't.

He was thinking he would make a paper hat. Something steepled and double-corned; Napoleanic, maybe. Or a boat. A sloop spattered with a million little letters and numbers, as if the phone book had decided to vomit all over it while docked in harbor. A boat that when it sailed, left alphanumeric ribbons of blood like bread crumbs for hungry sharks.
The fragments work, which make me really happy.

Above them, the fan made little maelstroms in the air and the corners of loose finance reports jerked up [COMMA] and down like piano keys.


They were playing funeral dirges.
He could tell.
But it wasn't his funeral.
These don't work though. Make it one sentence.

Lena's hands were like crumpled autumn leaves in her lap. [s]And she was staring at them hard.[/s] She stared at them hard.
[s]And[/s] then he whispered, “Get me the scotch.”
You're "And at the beginning of a sentence happy". I've found that and makes sentences much weaker than they would be without. What kind of continuity are you trying to create with "and"? If they are supposed to go together, make it one sentence. If not, why are you using it? Also, does the use of "hard" add anything to her stare...?

“I could care the hell less!”
This colloquialism doesn't work for me. I don't know. It sounds too current, and too bizarre. I think I would prefer a "I don't care!" or something - but it's up to you.

At the door, a neighbor was banging at it with a fist.
This is grammatically off. Both the "at it" and "a fist" bother me. I'm not sure how to rewrite it... Perhaps "A neighbor banged on the door with his fist." or sometihng..? It's just weird as is, to me.

He swept them off the cutting board and they thudded to the ground [s]inoffensively[/s].
The tacked on adjective does nothing for me.

Lena was sobbing behind him.
Lena sobbed. Watch out for passive voice. Sometimes it's the only way things sound right, like I said before (the following sentence in the story can be left like that - it reads better) but you've been using the passive voice, or "was blah blahing" in places where the active -ed would read so much better. That doesn't mean use -ed all the time, but when it sounds stronger, do it.

Get out, get out, get out!
I guess these are his thoughts?

Alright! Excitement! Time for me to babble. I'll try to organize it both for your sake, and for mine.

OMG!

This story makes me really happy! Why? 1) because it isn't like everything else you've written - and everything else you have written sounds like everything else before it and I'm always bored. Even though you're a brilliant writer, if everything seems like everything else, the brilliance is meaningless. Here, though, you've finally given me something new. 2) I love this era! It's one of my favorites. It's why I'll harass you about history later. 2) Violence can be beautiful on paper.

BLAH BLAH BLAH! - THE TELLING MACHINE

You do a lot of telling at the beginning. It's all a lot of introspection and whatnot. Honestly, I'd say cut the whole first bit about the marriage and the wedding. I'm sure it has some consequence to the story later - otherwise I couldn't even think why you start there. The first line was great, but otherwise there is a huge lack of conflict (AKA: I get bored/don't care) for a while. Then when we get into the next part, there is still a lot of telling/introspection. I want action! Of course, you have a great voice here, so that keeps us reading - never fear. I just don't like that he's sitting there for such a long time doing nothing, and complaining, and thinking about things, and then not until she comes in does any conflict start. Why isn't that the beginning of the story?

This goes on with my point about conflict, that I was going to babble about, but I guess I already have. It takes a while to get to the conflict, because it seems the only conflict is his sudden outburst of anger at his bills, which seems ridiculous, not because of the facts, but because of how you told it. It looks like he just went "MUST KILL NOW!" and since I haven't seen him before, I don't know that he is like this. You have to prepare your readers for these kinds of things. Maybe you allude to violence in the relationship before, or bruises that Lena has - something to tell us that he is violent. Otherwise, It's startling, and seems out of character. The only conflict your story has is his crazy violent freak out, and the conflict between the two characters. But it isn't strong enough, I feel. The story isn't there - I really have no reason whatsoever to care for either of these people. Perhaps you were trying to for that, with all of the beginning, but it didn't work... I don't know. It still feels contrived, like it was written for the violence. But that often happens when the focus of a story is a violent event - unless there is more to the story, it looks like it was built for that purpose alone. I talked about this on your blog, and I hoped I wouldn't have to talk about it, but I do. You have to make your story look like it's more than a gore-fest. And maybe it is more than a gore-fest, but so far, it looks like you wrote it just for that. I don't care about what Lena thinks, or how much she loves this man. I want a reason to care about her. For Mathew's part, she was in the kitchen the whole time, and I see no interaction between the characters until the climax of this section - I just think it could have been done better than that.

*Deep Breath* I'm sorry - that was a terribly long babble. I also would like to say, I feel like I demand a lot of things when I write you a critique, but everything I say has "This is my opinion" tacked onto it - remember that. I don't want you to think I'm going here and shaking you and saying you suck. (You don't suck.) I'm just ripping this apart. And I have to admit, I ripped this up apart a lot. I was as harsh as I possibly could be.

HISTORY

As I said, I'm going to harass you about this. The bootlegging/prohibition thing is really something you should consider. I don't have any evidence of it, but from my knowledge, people didn't get drunk in their homes often during this time. They went out to speakeasies, and so forth.

The fact that they have a basement shocks me. In fact, that fact that you didn't go into much detail about the rundown condition of their house shocks me. Rent a movie like Knock On Any Door - if my memory serves me, there are some great scenes between the husband and wife, and it's such a good film anyway. It will help you get a feel for things.

If the characters are in a bad condition with money, they'll have a crappy house. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a one, possibly two roomed tenement. But you seem to not allude to this at all, and they have a basement...? Basements would be a geographic thing - usually related to tornadoes and so forth - but still I don't imagine poor people at that time having the money to buy their own house.

Perhaps you've done your research, and if you have, I'm sorry for assuming the wrong things. I just don't want to see such a lovely era ruined, and you can add a lot more life to the piece by placing it more firmly in history.

I think this was all I had to say! There was a lot. I hope I didn't forget anything. PM me if you have any questions/comments or want to discuss something. As much as I whined and complained, I did like it. You did a lot of amazing things here, and like I said, it was different. It's good to give your readers something new! I look forward to the rest of the story.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Kylan have I ever told you how amazingly incredible you are? No, I haven't? Well I'm telling you now. You are amazingly incredible. I mean, I agree with Suzanne, this is different from anything you've ever written.

Things I love

I love the beginning and I think that should definitely stay, because it sets the tone for the rest of the story. Irony is good in a story especially this one, because it gives the writer something to wonder about.

I always like your descriptions my favorite was

His knuckles stole a little gasp from her chest and her cheeks blossomed red like streetlights.


I don't know why that one was my favorite because there were so many brilliant ones but I just like this one. Its unexpected. You think of flowers because they blossom and streetlights aren't red...well they could be but...I love it all the same for its originality. Fantastic!!

Please continue this because I find myself intrigued with Matthew, who had everything Love, looks, life, what more could he want? You are amazing, you turn words into fluttering birds on pages. Keep writing,
Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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I have very little to say unfortunatly. The second part scared me a litlle, but it was good. I really loved the first part.

My favorite element was the switch between being nervous about getting married and the love and trust for her husband. It makes what happened to them sadder.




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Kyyyylan! You make me smile.

- ramble about metaphors (one of these things is not like the other)

- fear of commitment--more attention on language than character
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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K-K-Kylan!

You make me happy. And why do you make me happy? Because you're amazing. It's true. Andrew Bird owns my soul, as does this story--it's absolutely beautiful, and, as Suz said, a definite turn from most of your other stuff. Working out of the comfort zone usually shows for a lot of people, but you managed it flawlessly.

As always, a few things to chat about:

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

You completely best me when it comes to figurative language in every sense of the word. You're comfortable with it, and you're not afraid to experiment. This is a good thing. However, when you're getting a little freaky-crazy with things, you have to read them over again to make sure the initial statement and the comparison match up.

melt it down until it was a puddle of napalm-toothpaste, divide it between them in shot glasses, and toast to immortality.


Here, you're talking about napalm-toothpaste and toasting with it...? Toothpaste--even napalm toothpaste--isn't the greatest to drink. It's a little more solid than the ideal.

Making sure your verbs match up is important, as in this sentence--

the organist bleated notes from the organ like smoke from evening pipes


Smoke doesn't bleat. Sheep do. :wink:

...you get the idea. When you are working with figurative language, you have to be especially careful to make sure that verbs and nouns match up. Modern English has been around for nearly five hundred years--if a phrase is completely original, you're either a genius or there's a reason it hasn't been used yet.

STEALING THE LIMELIGHT

When I read your work, it's breathtakingly beautiful--but at the end, I'm left kind of empty. It's an odd feeling, considering you're one of my favorite authors on the site. I was thinking about this earlier, and it occurred to me why--you're doing all of these great things with language, but you're not taking the same creative liberties with your characters.

Truth is, if you're amazing in one aspect, you have to work to be amazing in the others, as well. Think of it this way. People who suck at everything but have amazing grammar are praised for their grammar; people who do everything well but are weak on their commas have their commas subject to intense scrutiny, so they have to up their game in that area to keep people quiet.

So: characters. They're important. I know you can do language, but see what you can do with the people you're manipulating with it. You'll be surprised how strange and wonderful it can be.

___

Thanks for the read, Kylan! I'm off to parts 3/4. PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Goodness,

I owe you, this took forever! First of all I must say that your writing is amazing and this was a very enjoyable read.

Part One

The ring felt [s]like[/s] heavy.


If they had to, one day, she would have him melt it down until it was a puddle of napalm-toothpaste, divide it between them in shot glasses, and toast to immortality.


Somehow this part makes me imagine the golden liquid of youth tasting like toothpaste, which is probably not intended, so perhaps skipping the toothpaste would be a good idea?

Also I couldn't figure out what you were saying in the first part of the sentence until I noticed that "have to" implies "need to" in this case. I think to avoid this problem you need a comma before "one day".

His smile was a fishnet.


This had me quite a bit confused, because I can't imagine a smile being a fishnet. So maybe you could find a different metaphor or simile to describe his smile?

Their kiss sloshed in Lena's stomach like good wine. Superb wine.


I like Suzanne's suggestion considering this. Would make it easier for me to picture it. Otherwise it feels somewhat abstract.



Part Two

The smell of onions scrubbed the air like bleach on a kitchen floor.


I can't exactly picture that. I think the problem is that the kitchen floor is a solid two dimensional area and air isn't solid nor has it a shape, so I can't picture anything scrubbing it.

blood-stained with ink


Now that's a contradiction. Either they're stained with blood or they are stained with ink, but this doesn't work. Maybe you can just use ink-stained and skip the blood?

Matthew was sitting at the table, his neck-tie loose, his sleeves blood-stained with ink and rolled up, with the bills and their finances strewn across the dining room table.


Also I'd suggest splitting this sentence up, because the way it is now it's a little confusing. Maybe writing that he's sitting at the table that has all the finances and bills on it and then describe his appearance in the next sentence would be worth a try.

Lena could go to hell for all [s]her[/s] he cared.


The sound it made as it splintered into a constellation of slivers sounded like a woman's scream.


I'd try to dump the repetition of sound.

The grandfather clock ticking of Lena's knife against the cutting board ceased.


Hmmm... Maybe you should describe how the knife against the cutting board remind of a grad-father clock instead of just putting it like this. I can't really make out what it would sound like the way it is now.
Her hand slipped down his arm as she knelt at his feet, which was perfumed with onion.


The relative clause here sounds as if it were referring to the feet rather than to her hand to me.

He imagined that the smell was so thick, that he could float his origami bill-sloop on it.


Perhaps He imagined the smell being to thick, that... would be an alternative here to avoid to many thats. Also I don't know about the origami, since origami is considered an art and he just crumpled up those bills in his fist.

“I could care the hell less!”– his voice was crescendoing – “I'm sick and tired of not getting any respect around here, I'm sick of this sinkhole, I'm sick of this town, and, Godssakes, I'm sick of you!”

Is that a word? I know exactly what you mean, but somehow it sounds weird, but that could also be me.


Okay, overall I thought this was quite good. I had clench my teeth at the violence and could picture the scene well in general although some of your images really threw me off. I picked most of those out, so I hope this is a little help to you :)

PM me if you have any questions or so.

All the best and happy writing,
~Kalliope
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )


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Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe