A Time Before

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Over the years, whenever I have tried to recall my mother in my mind, the image has always been the same. I see her standing in the kitchen wearing an apron with a mop or a casserole dish in her hands.
I remember her being there every day when I came home from school. I would walk in the door and instantly be met by the sound of some old classic coming from the radio and the smell of whatever she had made for dinner cooking in the oven. She was an excellent cook. Cottage pie, apple tarts, cheese cake; she made it all from scratch. It was something I was always proud of when a friend came back from school with me. None of my other friends mum’s cooked, they were all busy, tired looking ladies dressed in crisp suits who worked in offices during the day.
My mother didn’t have a job. “This house is my work, along with everything inside it,” she used to say, looking at me and the oven gloves on her hands, her face hardening a distant expression on it. But she always came back to me and, with a quick smile, she would turn to the oven to check whatever was cooking inside.
She was a tall slim woman and in my eyes the most beautiful of all the mums I’d ever seen. She almost always wore her soft sandy hair pulled back in a clasp. Her clothes were plain but still pretty on her.
She didn’t collect from school. It was next door but one to our house and on the same side of the street so there was no busy roads for me to cross. I got home in about a minute but still it made me feel grown up to see my friends being collected by mothers or child minders. When I got in through the front door and dropped my bag on the floor I would run straight to the kitchen where she would great me with a hug and a biscuit. I would sit and eat whilst she got on with cleaning or the washing up, chatting away about whatever exciting things had happened at school that day. She always listened, answering and asking questions about it as though what I told her happily through a mouth full of crumbs was the most interesting thing in the world. Once I’d finished eating I would fetch my homework or a book and sit with it at the table just so I could still be near her whilst I read.
Sometimes I would just sit there and watch her. I used to love having her all to my self with only the housework to vie for her attention. I loved how she would mop the floor and then gracefully move across to the sink where she would clean my plate and finished by wiping the bubbles from around the sink with a cloth which she had left lying nearby, exactly for that purpose. In between jobs she would lean against the work top and read a page or two from some grown up women’s magazine. There always one lying open so that she could glance at the pictures of beautiful women dressed in beautiful clothes as she walked past from the cooker to the fridge. Sometimes, when she didn't know I was watching, I would see the smile fade away from her face to be replaced instead by a unfathomable look. I never thought much of it, at 8 years old all that mattered was the way she smiled when she looked at me.
At six o'clock my Dad would come home. He’d call hello from the hall, come into the kitchen and kiss us both, me and then my mother, on the cheek before going upstairs to take off his suit.
My time alone with her had ended until the next afternoon.
At night when we had all finished dinner I would go out and play with my friends in the street. I only went out to play after dinner on week days, never before: the afternoons were for my mother and me.
Those afternoons of my childhood were all happy memories for me. When other children gazed continually at the clock on the wall waiting for school to finish so they could go out and play, I longed to be walking through the door and into the kitchen where my mother would be undertaking the never-ending task of keeping the house immaculate.

One day I came home to find the kitchen empty. I remember running from room to room calling for her finding nothing but a tidy bareness in each. I went back to the kitchen and there was an envelope on the table. Her apron hung on the hook behind the kitchen door. The radio was silent and no magazine lay open on the worktop.
There was a cottage pie cooking in the oven. It was the last meal she made us.




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Hey, Mor! Welcome to YWS. ^_^

Quick mod note--before you go crazy posting on the boards, we ask that you keep a two to one ratio of reviews to each story you post. Why? This way, everyone gets a critique. In the long run, getting your name out there by helping others also brings in more critiques for you, so it's kind of a win-win thing.

This was a cool story--you definitely have the cliffhanger ending down. I love the fact that the mom is sort of Desperate Houswife creepy; she seems to be completely happy to the child, but we know that there's something going on underneath that your protagonist isn't quite getting. It's quite a cool effect.

On to the critique, shall we?

A CLEAN INCISION

There are a lot of "clean" things about this story, but the one thing that you really didn't touch on was your narrator's psychology. There were a lot of whats, but not a lot of whys explained--we know that he/she loved staying with her mother, but not why. We know that she/he would rather stay in with her mother than go out and play--why? Did the other children smell? Were they mean to him/her?

Also, your narrator has a really keen sense of what is the "perfect" housewife and what is not. Where did he/she get these ideas? Why does he/she prefer a clean, pretty housewife mom to the disheveled office workers that everyone else has around the house? Their idea of perfection sounds a bit too mature to be completely natural; it's due to some outside influence that you are going to want to explain.

AWK-WARD

There were a few sentences in this piece that didn't quite "flow" right to me. Here's an example:

Over the years, whenever I have tried to recall my mother in my mind, the image has always been the same.


Your first sentence is a little redundant and it doesn't quite feel right because you've added on clauses that don't feel like they fit. You know how when people add on a "modern" addition to a new house, and it looks like an old house with a bunch of new bits tacked on? That's sort of what these sentences are like to readers. Here, you've added on 'over the years' and 'in my mind' (the later of which does little more than reinforce the fact that he/she is remembering her mother).

When you're writing sentences, try to keep them as clean cut and addition-free as possible.

Whenever I try to recall my mother, the image that crops up in my mind is always the same.


Something like that is a lot clearer and to-the-point. I've still used the same elements, and it's got the same meaning, it just flows a little bit better.

___

Thanks for the read, Mor! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Feel free to disregard anything I say...you are the author. :)

She didn’t collect from school.

Do you mean "collect me"?

Okay. Well I guess that ^^ is the only nitpick I have. Couldn't find anything else...

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Overall I like it. I like the main character's point of view...how she doesn't linger over her mother's mysterious moments as a child...it's al very realistic. You've really characterized the mother too.

I'm a person who loves imagery. Any description, anywhere that is brilliant gets my attention. You have images, you have pictures, it just isn't very vivd. There's nothing new, nothing that hasn't been said before. Try using unique wordings. (not awkward, mind you)

The ending was briliant. Nice work.
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury




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Welcome to YWS!

The first thing I'd like to point out is that we have a two for one reviewing policy. We like it if you would make at least two critiques before posting a work of your own. We'd all be very appreciative if you would go and do that now.

I liked your story. The tone of the narrators voice was really calming, and I felt like I was there. I found one thing that I think is a mistake:

She didn’t collect from school.


I think you mean, She didn't collect me from school.

I liked how the mother bviously wasn't completely content with her life, but at eight you're hardly going to notice that, so it made for a good read.

I really liked this, and I'd love to see more of your work after you've made some reviews.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Welcome to YWS!! *confetti, hugs*

I had this whole nice rewiew on this, and then my computer went kablooey and I lost it all.

So here's the shortened version, minus the grammar and style editing (and remember you need a 2:1 review to posting ratio!!!!):

This piece has a really nice concept. I love the mom's all... perfect, perfect, perfect... GONE! Whoa, why? I love it, I actually wasn't even expecting it, I thought she was going to fall ill and die. But disappearing randomly leaves many more questions open and is much more intriguing.

You're onelittle problem is sentence structure. You phrase a lot of sentences awkwardly so that they don't flow very well. All you have to do is get in the habit of looking at these sentences and rearranging them in a way that makes them flow nicely, doesn't make your eyes snag on a word, or make you read the sentence more slowly to understand it.

Once you've mastered that, the writing is otherwise very good, and you can think up a nice a story mm-hmm. :wink:
How am I not myself?



I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins