love will set you free

ok first of all I want to note, I KNOW that this sucks, it needs more imagery, and blah blah blah. Don't tell me what's wrong with it, tell me how I can fix it.




She runs against the wind, trying to escape
The trials and terrors of the day
The wind yearns to rake its fingers
Through her soft hair; to caress her head in its gentle grasp…
To comfort her in all her troubles, to love her and hold her
In its arms

But she feels nothing, her skin numb to the wind
Lost in an unreal world she has created for herself,
Alone in her sadness, drowning in her pain

Drifting from day to day, no longer caring how others see her,
Nothing matters anymore. The things she clings to will all run away,
Like always… nothing of her world will last forever.

Her scars have blinded her to the face of love standing right before her,
True happiness just a breath away… just speak the words, my child,
And love will set you free… love whispers to her, calling her name,
But she doesn’t hear, the roars of hatred deafening her ears from the
Gentle voice of love…

How can affection be denied by a heart that so longing,
That it has a make-believe lover to fill the holes in it’s heart?
Tell me when you find out, because love is here waiting for her
And she doesn’t even know…

Hahahaha, you don't want my rants about what imagery is and how you can use it for your poem?

Okay, fine. Here would be my rewrite of your poem:



The wind yearns to rake its fingers
Through her soft hair; to caress her head with wispy fingers…
To comfort her, to love her, to hold her
In his arms
forever.

But she feels nothing,
Shipwrecked in her created world,
she is drowning

(drifting...)

and she clings to her craft while Love
stands before her
and whispers begs pleads,
"Come follow me."

But she doesn’t hear, she cannot hear--
the roars of the ocean
have made her deaf.

Her sunburned face turns to heaven
and she offers up a scream.



^ So yeah. It's by no means perfect and it kind of sucks as well. But whatever.

Basically, what I did was I took the loneliness stuff out... I mean, who cares? She's lonely. Okay. Instead of saying, "ZOMG, LONELY!" I put her in a position where it's quite obvious that she would be lonely. Now she's shipwrecked. That makes it slightly more dramatic, no? And we love drama! Yep, I am a cruel author.

Also, I took out your first two lines. They didn't really add to the overall drama. Besides, I like making the slight romantic tension between the wind (immortality) and the woman.

I also took out a lot of words explaining her situation and tried to make it as brief as possible. The reader is probably smart, so he should be able to use the clues he gets from the poem and use it to conjure up an image for himself. It's not necessary to hold the reader's hand and explain everything.

I also took away some of the preachiness of it all. I don't really like preachiness, I like to be led down to some conclusion using imagery. That's why I pretty much gutted the second to last stanza. And I didn't like the last stanza because I felt it had a weak conclusion. So I made something up in its place. It sucks, but at least it ties in with the whole shipwrecked theme and shows her that she is longing for something else.

Yeah... that probably didn't help at all. XD

If you're confused, ask me for a clarification! I'm afraid I made no sense (I probably shouldn't do reviews at 2 am...) but maybe this will help?

Hey, Snoink's pretty much outlined what you can do to help this poem along. As regards to your poetry, well there's plenty of things that can help you progress. I mean- it's only a matter of time that it will improve seeing as you're trying and looking for help, so the spirit's there to be a truly good poet. I would suggest reading, reading, reading, poetry, and then reading some more. We all learn from each other- I'm not sure who said it, but it went something like 'bad writers imitate, good ones steal' or something to that effect.

There's a great poetry database on the 'Writer's society' as you may have already heard from Nate. My own favourites are W.H Auden, Frost and Plath.

And practice, and keep trying! You're already on the verge of something here, so don't let it slip away!

I hope this helps, if not I've just gone off on a total tangent, but hey!

Eimear

Thanks a bunch you guys... ok here is what I did with it the other night, still a crappy poem but I think it's better I don't know... haha (oh yeah, and sorry for my onery-ness =D)


The wind yearns to rake its fingers
Through her soft hair; to caress her head with wispy fingers…
To comfort her, to love her, to hold her
In His arms
Forever

But she feels nothing; her skin numb to the breeze
Her shipwreck has sunk in her created world
She is drowning… drifting…

She clings to her raft of self pity
While Love stands within reach; beckoning to her,
Whispers, begs, pleads…
“Take my hand, child.”

But she doesn’t hear; she cannot hear
The roars of the ocean violently
Deafen her ears.

Blind from scars to the face of Love
Standing right before her,
True happiness less than a breath away
Love whispers to her; calling her name…
Just speak the words, my child…
And True Love will set you free…

Sunburned; she turns her shamed face
Up towards heaven
And offers up a scream
A cry... a plea

“Forgive me, Daddy…”

Okay, I'm going to write about the revised poem, which is quite different from the the first and equally good if not better. I agree that we do not need to hold our reader's hand and tell them that she is lonely. We can come to that conclusion on our own. The revision is much better in that area.

One thing you might want to look at is this: the revision seems to lack sense. Sorry, that was a little blunt, but let me elaborate. Maybe I'm just dull, but I can't quite make sense of the last bit, the "Forgive me, Daddy. . ." part. Is she referring to God as Daddy? Seems a bit informal. . .Sometimes readers do need a bit of help, even if we don't need our hands held.

Another thing that I think could use some work is the use of the word 'sunburned'. Maybe this is just me being nit-picky, but if you're going to give the effect you might want to give the cause. There is no mention of sun anywhere in the poem previous to this, so how could she be sunburned? And besides, the whole atmosphere doesn't seem overly sunny to me, anyway.

Just a few ideas. All together, though, an excellent poem with well-formed images and a good overlaying idea. Don't let this slip away! Keep working at it.

-Aussie