Imperfection [second draft!]

Anger engulfs her like an intoxicating smoke
Grabbing onto her, holding her, making her choke
This world will never learn how to stop spinning lies
Never learn to tell the truth straight in someone’s eyes

But when she tries to grasp a breath of life,
All she can collect is a sliver of air,
Overwhelmed by the fake reality she lives in

No one can tell how she really feels;
Too wrapped up in their mess to notice
She screams out for the help of authenticity,
Teetering on the precarious edge of insanity.

Her soul hungers for the a love that’s genuine
Tries to stop all this thunderous pain she’s in
She wants to escape, get rid of this hole in her soul
But no on will listen, a world of fake that pours

It pours out lies and horrifying destruction
She falls to the ground, this smoke is too much
She tries to filter the lies, but they keep coming out
Flying her way like they’ll never come to an end

There’s no one to save her, and never will that happen
Her soul is drenched in a fake world,
People that are her friends.
But this whole world is fake; even them.

She shudders, knowing this smoke of imprecision,
has left nothing but the ashes of reality.
And she wonders to herself, if this world will ever come
to realize their mistakes.
Before every other boy and girl subsides into darkness,
and it becomes too late.

Much much better! *applauds* Your last stanza rocks out loud. And it's amazing you could do all this in one edit. That makes you awesome.

Okay. So now you have more metaphor and all that juicy stuff. The next thing? You want to paint a picture with your words. This means a couple of things. First of all, yo know how artists use different strokes and everything to make their stuff different? I mean, I went to this modern art gallery, and there was this one white canvas painted white. But! What made it interesting was that if you looked at it, you could see the individual brush strokes.

In the same way, you're going to want to make this your own piece, which means you're going to have to put little brush strokes in it. What can I say? Right now, you're experimenting with your own personal style, trying to come up with one that suits you best, and that's awesome. But it's not comfortable yet, and it'll take time and a whole bunch of patience to come up with a style that is intensely personal and stylistically you. And how are you going to do this? Choose your words carefully! Right now, you have a lot of "fakes" in your poem. Which is good, but you don't want to say "fake" all the time. Then you'll be saying the same things over and over again, and let's face it, we like reading new stuff.

Usually what amateurs do when they hear that they should vary their word choice, the first place they go to is the thesaurus. And all they do is replace a word with a synonym. But! You are too good of a poet to do this. Instead of replacing words, consider illustrating it with examples or other pictures that come to mind when you think of this. I don't know... I'm not good at explaining these things! But generally, adjectives and adverbs are the weakest words you can use, so pick some solid verbs and nouns to describe your meanings and illustrate it further, and your poem will be soooo much better.

And I realize I am being rather ambiguous and not very helpful, but you did so much for this edit, so I'm hoping you will only continue to improve exponentially.

Good luck with your next draft! And yes, I realize that this is a lot of work that you're putting into a draft, but once it's done, it'll be soooo much better.

glad to know i could help. this one is so good i love it, i started singing it myself. its such a good one, except for just one typo, in one of the stanzas it says "on" but i think you meant to say one, so you might want to read through it another time and scan it for small errors, keep it up! try doing ones that aren't like this though, its good to try different things. now that you have mastered this subject, you can do good on other ones.

Did I review this before the second draft? It seems pretty familiar. It also seems pretty awesome. The rhyme scheme- well you can't really be faulted with it in my opinion. At least not from me. I thought it was great, especially the first stanza:

Anger engulfs her like an intoxicating smoke

Grabbing onto her, holding her, making her choke

This world will never learn how to stop spinning lies

Never learn to tell the truth straight in someone’s eyes

Love love it. Although where's the punctuation? Hmm, no matter- just fix that and we won't come after you...maybe.

It progresses well. It's a good, solid poem. Just make it sparkle a bit more. I'm totally with Snoink on the paint brush thing. She's said it all really so I won't repeat.

She screams out for the help of authenticity,

Haha- big word alarm! Great- although I really want you to think about how you can make this shocking without using cliched words- and without using really bizarre ones that you come across. Does that make sense?I hope so.

I want to see a third draft of this. I hope my comments helped- if at least they emphasized what the other reviewers have said.

Best wishes,

Eimear