Emotional Haze

How can the haze make the days fade so fast?
The memory of your smiling voice,
it was blind to your face but you could hear it in the way you talked about your life.
Won't it all go away.
Bring back the smiles of that broken child,
and let me feel the joy flow through her veins again.
Watch her walk home.
Somber steps vibrate an emotional ground,
and you can feel the tears not yet falling from her eyes.

Hello I am GordonRamsayLuver or GRL doesn't matter.

So this is like on paragraph not really a poem. You should have seperate stanzas because it is much neater and looks like a poem. This is ok I guess but not my way of a poem.

Here is something that you wrote, "Watch her walk home." This is a fragment you should consider to revise.

Your poem was cliche and vague try to add more emotion or imagery or some personification to make it interesting. I think if you revise it, it would turn out to be pretty good.

If you have any questions about what I said feel free to pm me anytime.

GRL A .K. A GordonRamsayLuver

I agree with some of the other reviewer's points. This is very vague- yet surprisingly confusing. The way I see it, poetry needs to be written and presented so that it is received on different levels. Take a song in it's place, for example. Some people enjoy a song because they like the notes and they can sing along. Other's like it for it's words and imagery. More still like the song because they can related to the singer, and they can feel the journey that person has gone through in the course of singing it. Poetry is no different.

This poem failed to tick my boxes. There's such a thing as over-repetition which- although I'm sure this isn't the case, gives the impression that you haven't tried hard to create variety. This regards to these lines:

The memory of your smiling voice,

Bring back the smiles of that broken child,

I know, in theory these lines are different but I think even if you used the adverb 'laughing voice' it would have been more effective.

All in all, the poetic voice here was still. Readers don't read something to own it, they want whatever they read to own them. You need to move us, show us, grip and change us. Once you do that, then you are in the realms of poetry.

This doesn't mean I don't see potential, I do. But you're not doing yourself justice. You need to work at it until it's right for you.


Writing is an art.
Never forget that.

Best wishes, and good luck,

Eimear xx

Amazing! It's so heartfelt and real, and what I love is that each reader can take it and interpret it in their own way, sculpting individual feelings =]
As far as critiquing goes, I love your descriptions!

I agree with some of the other reviewers. Use spaces to make it seem more like a poem. Also, it was a bit confusing. I guess different people can interrupt it in different ways. You used a couple good descriptive words, and a few cliché’s, but other then that, I really enjoyed it. Good Job.

Josh

Haze would seem to be an appropriate title as it does appear to be hazy.

First of all your poem seems disconnected. The ideas and description don't seem to relate. You could quite easily have two different poems. Divided at

Won't it all go away.

Break

Bring back the smiles of that broken child,

That point into two poems because the connection isn't apparent or explained sufficiently.

My main issue with this lies in the fact that given it's so short you need to clearly present what it is that you mean and here it's much to vague. Given a greater length vagueness could be explained through the fact that it is so ambiguous.

I'm not too impressed by the imagery. It doesn't offer much - It's not so simplistically stated as too interest me nor is it a creative metaphor or endowed with any poetic devices that have too much of an effect upon me as the reader.

While ambiguity is great and a legitimate way of presenting an issue - an abstract form which emphasizes what is not said, implies what is not described and so on - initially I feel you should focus more upon present a message to your reader. From there once you've established a direction to pursue and something to present you can play with forms of presentation, rhythm etc.

So you have an idea but I can't tell how good it is because I don't know enough about it.

Hola December Nights! I've seen you around, but I think this is the first thing I get to critique of yours, so I'll make it good!

This is a pretty cool poem. The best part is the last part where it talks about the broken child and the bringing of joy in her life. I mean, that sort of imagery is some really good, sophisticated work, so hooray! Now! You're going to want to take this lovely imagery and craft it into something a little bit more poetically solid. Ready?

First of all, you're going to want to take out "the" in the first line because it'll make it sooooo much cleaner and prettier and easier to say off the tip of your tongue. Try it. Doesn't it sound better? And maybe I'm slightly crazy, but I love it when poetry just slides off the tip of my tongue. So what I'll do when I write poetry is just say it and whatever sounds good to me will be what I write.

Anyway! Back to your poem.

I like it when you say "the memory of your smiling voice" because that brings a nice image to mind. But... the third line just trips my tongue and I don't like that. I think it's too long and too rambly. So maybe you can narrow it down to a specific idea? I think it will be a lot better, plus it'll make a bit more sense and be less hazy.

For the fourth line, consider putting a question mark at the end. By doing this, it'll slow down the poem and give it more of a dramatic flair. And in poetry, the more drama you can have in your poem, the better it'll be.

Then you bring out the awesome imagery of the broken child, which is so awesome. I love the "bring back ... / ... veins again" lines. In fact, that's my favorite part. It's just so cool because you can see joy tickling down her veins, and you imagine her as very somber and serious at first and then she becomes full of joy. And that's just lovely.

Now! You have to dramatize the rest! So instead of saying:

Watch her walk home.

Somber steps vibrate an emotional ground,

and you can feel the tears not yet falling from her eyes.

... punctuate this and do other stylistic changes to give it more oomph and flavor! I might do this:

Watch her walk home:

Somber steps vibrate an emotional ground,

and you can feel the tears not (yet) falling from her eyes.

I don't know! And that's the awesome part about poetry. Right now, it's not quite poetic enough, but that can be easily fixed, so no worries. You just need to play around more with the language and have fun with the poem. The biggest issue, as I see it, is the third line, but that can be easily fixed. Anyway, you're a remarkable poet for your age. So take some time, play around with the language some more, and see what you can do with it.

Good luck editing!