Silent Hunt

Catcher took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She willed her fangs to come out of her mouth but they wouldn’t come. “Damian. They’re stuck.”
He laughed lightly. “They’re not stuck. You just have to have the proper motive.”
When she was about to open her eyes she felt soft, cold lips on hers. They pressed deeply onto her mouth and she couldn’t help but kiss him back. The scent wafting from his body was indescribable. It wasn’t like anything she had ever smelled before. The only word that popped into her head was…dangerous.
Damian backed her up onto the stone cold wall of the convenience store and moved his hands to her waist. “You’re warm.” He whispered into her mouth.
Catcher’s face flushed lightly. “Is this the motive?”
Damian pulled his head back and smiled sexily. “Forget the motive.” He pushed his lips onto hers again.
Catcher hadn’t felt this good since…since never. When Josh kissed her she was too surprised, happy but still surprised. With Nick she was elated… but it wasn’t exactly right since he betrayed her right after. But what was Damian doing? He was helping her become a vampire. He hadn’t done anything but help her. She trusted him.
Damian’s hands moved down to her thighs and then up to her butt.
Shivers ran up Catcher spine as she continued kissing him. It was amazing how much she had changed. She would never had done this so easily if it hadn’t been for Damian. She probably would have blushed like mad and run away. But no. With Damian she felt confident. She knew she was hot and she liked when he told her. He was the one who brought of her shell.
A flashlight fell on their faces and she stressed to adjust. The old manager of the store was looking at them madly. “Get away from my shop or I’ll call the cops you idiots.”
Damian smiled and took Catcher’s hand. Before she knew it they were running into the forest. Trees and bushes swept past them as he led the way.
Catcher tripped over a log and her fall sent them both tumbling. She ended up with her back on the wet ground and Damian was on top of her.
He smiled down and started to kiss her again.
Catcher didn’t care that she would be wet. She only wanted to feel Damian’s lips on her own.
“You’re beautiful.” He whispered into her mouth.
Catcher blushed lightly as he started to kiss down her torso. When his lips hit the skin right above her breath the world’s happy glory look broke. Reality came rushing back at her. She felt the wetness of the leaves, the cool of the night and sincerity of his kiss. “Damian, stop.”
Damian froze and looked up at her. “Is something wrong?”
“This is too fast. We’re gonna get caught.”
Damian sat next to her. “What do you mean?”
Catcher sat up. “We shouldn’t be out here. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s just…something’s wrong.”
Damian stroked her hair lightly and pulled her into his lap. “It’s fine Catcher. We’re going to be alright. They can’t catch us.”
Catcher relaxed into his body. “But…”
His voice got silkier. “It’s fine. I’ll keep you safe.”
Something in Catcher’s head went off. Something about his voice wasn’t right and she actually noticed it. She’s never realized that it was different. He was trying to seduce her with his sexy voice! Most vampires could do it to humans but they didn’t normally do it other vampires. But she’s not a vampire…yet.
“We should go.” She said quietly.
Damian’s body went rigid. “Go?”
Now she was nervous. His body had tensed and he sounded…scary.
“Why should we go? I’ll keep you safe. Don’t worry about anything.” He said, adding something to make his voice thick like honey.
Half of Catcher wanted to go with him. The other half wanted to stay. “How?” She looked up at him and his eyes flashed bright red. “Damian?”
“What?” He asked tilting his head to the side.
“Your…your eyes. They’re…” Shivers crept down Catcher’s spine.
“Don’t worry about them Catcher.” He said softly.
Catcher saw the gleam of his fangs in the moonlight. “Damian? You’re… are you okay?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m not going to hurt you.” He whispered.
Catcher’s body went cold and she shivered. “You’re…hungry aren’t you.”
“I’ve never met a vampire with so much blood. You smell delicious Catcher. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.”
Catcher was frozen. She was scared. What was going on? Why did he suddenly get so hungry…maybe he had been hungry all along? Had he been waiting until he had gotten her under his spell. Everything in her body told her to run but she couldn’t move.
Damian smiled softly at her. How could he look so kind and be so evil? He lowered her slowly onto the ground until she was lying flat. “It’s not going to hurt. Just close your eyes and rest. I’ll wake you up. Everything’s gonna be alright.”
Catcher felt her eyes get heavy until she closed them lightly. All her fear disappeared. Before she drifted off to sleep she felt to fangs slide into her neck and she heard herself sigh.
~~~~~~~~
Catcher is from a novel I have written so if there are any questions please PM me. Also for more information about the novel, and Catcher, you can look her up on http://brokenlittlestar.tripod.com/lastonestanding

I find the first paragraph very lightheated and oddly fresh considering the supernatural theme. My only concern really is that I get this feeling that Catcher is that cliche ditzy-girl protagonist, but that's really more of a subjective comment on my part.

When she was about to open her eyes...

This sentence personally sounds awkward to me considering the flow of the one before it. Perhaps replacing "when" with "as" might help? See if other people have any say about this as well before you consider any changes though.

They pressed deeply onto her mouth and she couldn’t help but kiss him back.

There should be a comma after "mouth" to separate the two independent clauses.

It wasn’t like anything she had ever smelled before.

Remove the double negatives by changing it to "It was unlike anything..."

The only word that popped into her head was…dangerous.

First things first, way to go with the sexy adjective and its sexy connotations. Secondly, I suggest you emphasize the "dangerous" by putting it in italics. (You know, make the female readers go all "ga-ga,"...but mostly for the emphasis factor...yeah...)

Catcher hadn’t felt this good since…since never.

"Since ever" might work better here, but this is another spot where you should get verification on.

With Nick she was elated… but it wasn’t exactly right since he betrayed her right after. But what was Damian doing?

Avoid the repetition of "but;" more importantly, I don't find her introducing the concept of Damian's help to the reader in the form of a question very fitting to the two sentences that follow. I think I know what you were going for with the question, but turning it into a statement proceeded by a contrasting transition word/phrase might be more effective.

For example, "On the flip-side, there was Damian..." or something of the sort.

Shivers ran up Catcher spine...

Minor typo: "Catcher's."

She would never had done this so easily...

Change "had" to "have."

She probably would have blushed like mad...

Since you're writing this in third-person, the use of a slang phrase like "blushed like mad" might be a bit farfetched for readers. If you were writing in first-person, that's more understandable as it directly relates to the character who's speaking and their personality.

She knew she was hot and she liked when he told her.

There should be a comma after "hot" to separate two independent clauses like before. Furthermore, I think you should add "it" after "liked" for a more fulfilling sentence with an object of the sentence.

He was the one who brought of her shell.

Minor typo: "brought her out of..."

I'll try to edit this post later with more critiquing if you'd like, but I've got to go (and leave said vampire story unfinished... This is the perfect occasion for crying.)

Good luck though! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

Thanks so much,
I REALLY (in caps as to show appreciation not sarcasm. Honestly.) appreciate this. I'm very... how can I put it? I'm very slow(?)... when it comes to editing... also meaning I haven't really edited much of anything I've written. Not having to do as much and havign a reader's input is WAY more useful than having my own.

Thanks again,
Mikaela (Cally)