Sitting in a sea full of people

Sitting in a sea full of people
All around
Yet I’m still alone

Sitting in a sea full of people
They are talking
Not to me

Sitting in a sea full of people
They are in their little groups
I am in a lonely bubble

Sitting in a sea full of people
They speak up
I have no voice

Sitting in a sea full of people
They won’t miss one
I drift away

Sitting in a sea full of people
Not speaking not
Not breathing

Sitting in a sea full of people
They don’t notice
They never will

I really liked the idea behind this but a few things let your poem down slightly.

They are talking
Not to me

Doesn't run very smoothly and doesn't make sense. Perhaps: 'They are talking, but not to me.'

Not speaking not
Not breathing

Is there meant to be a repetition of the word 'no'? It doesn't really make sense or work.

I think this could do with more punctuation and maybe a few more syllables in some places.

All the best,
Alainna
xx

wow, this is AWSOME!!!!!! ^_^ I really enjoyed reading it. Now i exspect great things from you.

Get rid of the repetition--it adds nothing to your poem. Really.

With that said, I like the metaphor you use with the sea of people. I think it would be cool if you tie in your poem more with the sea. Already, you use the word "bubble" and "drift" which are very connotative of the sea. You say that the people are talking with each other, so why not characterize that? You can have them, as they talk, their spittle comes out like the dirty foam on the sea. Or something! Carry on the metaphor anyway. It'll be much more pretty and original.

Vampy_Girl15,


--and?

If you were hoping somebody would care how alone you are, this certainly didn't do anything to pique their interest.

The speaker seems to be socially challenged (I think that's the current term), but as a reader, I can barely hear over his/her whining.

My opinion is the best you can do with this is move on.


Best,
Brad

Everyone thank you so much. I'll try fixing it up a bit, adding more metaphors and things.

There's potential here; the image of the sea of people and the bubbles struck me as, while somewhat sophomoric, also something that could be built upon.

As it is, the poem you have here is what we might call "navel-gazing." In other words, it's all about you, the poet. Now, don't get me wrong; drawing on personal experience can make for fantastic poetry. But put yourself in someone else's shoes. Everyone can empathize with someone who feels out of place, sure; but do they really want to read poetry about it? So, what you do is take the image and build on that, instead of what you did here (building off the poet's misery). It will create something compelling, something layered that the reader can sink his or her teeth into.

Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions.

Fand

Vampy_Girl15 wrote:Sitting in a sea full of people
All around
Yet I’m still alone

Sitting in a sea full of people
They are talking
Not to me

Sitting in a sea full of people
They are in their little groups
I am in a lonely bubble

Sitting in a sea full of people
They speak up
I have no voice

Sitting in a sea full of people
They won’t miss one
I drift away

Sitting in a sea full of people
Not speaking not
Not breathing

Sitting in a sea full of people
They don’t notice
They never will

Firstly repition, this seriously became a sea after I read about three stanzas before it just got boring. Hold on this will be hard, but try and read again. It's very navel gazing. Also there is the lack of punctuation. You've a question mark but nothing else. Overall: You should start from scratch the repition detracts from the flow, fix the puntuaction at least. It's just written well.

Good luck
VSN
----------------
Listening to: Propagandhi - Gifts
via FoxyTunes

Hey! I thought this was really good! I could really relate to it. Great job.

Jesus Loves You!

Hi! Anyways *clears throat*

I loved the poem but hated how it kept repeating-no offence but it kind of got annoying. The reader will understand you're sitting in a sea of people the first time you say it. and I loved everthing else no typos I can see and no spelling or grammer errors. If you need help feel free to PM me.

best of luck
-Max

Hey there

I liked the idea of the poem. "Sitting in a sea full of people" is a good metaphor and a strong image (Though you could leave away the "full"), but I feel that a lot of the potential of the poem was thrown away by the "poor-me" thing.

The short and compact stanzas you chose are powerful and expressive, though (as already mentioned by others) the repetition might be expendable.

I think you could get much more out of this poem, but it is a good start. Just keep working on it, use some more imagery etc.

Mayfyre x

HEE! reminds me alot of NYC. lots of people, lots of crime yadda yadda.
Good poem. I haven't seen much work like this from you.
Keep up the good work Vampy_girl.
*keep sucking.*
*...I mean as in blood*

Your poem seemed to be a bit forced, and like stated before, repeating "sitting in a sea of people" does get slightly annoying after a while, but otherwise I thought that you really had something going.

Well, keep it up, never stop writing.