....Not quite sure, yet.

Off in the distance, if you look closely, you can see something on the horizon. If you are exceptionally far sighted, you may be able to make out the colour.
That something was large.
It was angry.
And it was coming.


Flyn walked down the street. Well, you could say walked. He more...shuffled, dragged his feet, as though they were an inconvenient hassle.
Anyway, Flyn wasn't in the best of moods. Like most fourteen year olds, he believed the world was against him. Everything that happened to him was, as he liked to say, 'Fate's' fault, or the happening of circumstances, rather then, oh, being too lazy to do the job right in the first place.

He stepped into a doorway, his face screwed up in teenagerly disgust, and regretted it almost immediately.
"Flyn! Flyyn! Come play with me!" A small figure, resembling a rather sticky doll that had been tossed into the toybox and forgotten about, jumped out at him, full of sisterly cheer and goodwill.
It sickened him. Teenagers are not made to withstand happiness at such close ranges.
"Rosa! Go away!"
Rosa deflated like a balloon, if the balloon was pink, sticky and had masses of tangled blonde hair.
She sniffed noisily, and shuffled away.
"Flyn! Be nice to your sister! She loves you!" A short woman in a cardigan appeared in the hallway.
"Yes, mother." Flyn said dutifully. "But I don't love her, sometimes." He muttered to himself.

***

Along the street, under a lantern, was a dog. Not one of those cute I'm-lost-take-me-home dogs, but one of those I'm-a-worthless-fleabag dogs. Nevertheless, it was trying its best to seem like the former.
A man approached, and the dog perked up its ears in its best imitation of a cute dog. The man didn't give it a single glance.
"That's right mister! You keep walking! You stupid arsewipe."
The man stopped. He turned, glaring at.... empty air. He looked down.
The dog whined, and wagged its tail hopefully.
He threw it a half eaten biscuit, and turned, wondering if he was going insane.
"Woof woof bloody woof." The dog turned, disappearing into an ally.



***It's short, I know, but I'll write more later. It's a different style to what I usually write, but I enjoyed writing it. Hopefully it's half presentable!***

Hey, Nutty. Nice piece you have here. Good that you're experimenting with your narrative style. =O I just found a few tihnfs here and there.

Flyn wasn't in the best moods.

Maybe change that to either: "best of moods," or "best mood."

as he likes to say

You might have a tense issue with "likes," compared to the rest of it here.

Teenagers are not made to withstand happiness at such close ranges.

I applaud that sentance. Those people that are so sickeningly happy? -shudders-

"She loves you!"

Is this a present day thing, or somewhere nto too far away from it? because the dialogue there sounds a bit awkward. Probably another teenage hate, talking about love in reference to siblings lol.

Although, I did like the dog. xD He uplifted it a lot. Made me smile, anyways.
So, good work. Hurry up and add some more to this. Right now, there's a lot of ways it could go. =O

This is different to the copy you gave me, but still great. Firstly thye dog wasn't there, but he is awesome! That will certainly add some charactor to the story.

I agree with Insanity, this different type of narration from you is brilliant, and I'm not suprised you had alot of fun, taking the mickey out of teenagers is soo easy! lol

Your description of the charactors when we first meet them is brilliant, it gives us a brilliant teenage perspective of the annoying sister and the prim and always proper mum. great.

You've got to continue this as far as pos, it's too good not to.

Alright taking on the qualities of my English teacher I will now scold you like she would scold us. Don't use the word you outside of dialog!!! Second person tends to bug me, its more like you're being told a story condesendingly, and for most people that triggers the urge to punch that person in the face. I wouldn't recommend that to any writer.

Anyways for the very hard style to acomplish a decent literary piece with, you did it fairly well.

Thats all I've got to say so... yeah.

Hi I s this the story u and charlotte were writing Cause if it is it has got bigger since You two were writing it

Nutty,

As you yourself said, it’s terribly short and so hard to critique content-wise. But what was shown, I liked, and so a plus you get on that. The beginning was good - you managed to hook the reader, in this case me.

Then there’s the intro of Flynn. He looks promising, makes me wonder what’ll happen to him. But, elaborate. Expand. Show more, make those paragraphs a tad bit longer, not only to make it better visual-wise. Give more details, though, mind you, no info dumps. Just, generally expand. There.

I have to admit, though, that I liked the second part more. It amused me, made me laugh, while Flyn was just… there. Make him more likable perhaps? Or, if you are trying to do the opposite, then avoid talking about his ‘teenager-ness’. Yes, that’s from a fourteen year old. ^^

Also, grammar. At one point there should be a comma instead of a period - the part where Flyn is dutiful. Neologisms are nice, but yours stood out too much… Consider changing it for another word?

Hi nutty is this the story you were writing at school last year I havent read it all yet but I will one day

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You have writen lots and looooottttttttttttsssssssss since you started writing it last year