What people see in you

the people see me when my friends see me they see me as a rockstar.
When a girl see me they see me as a fool.
but when i see me i see a ordinary person.
Dont you wish people can see you as you see your self.

That is wrote by me Matt it ant much but its good enough for me

Hi Drifter.

YWS does ask you to do at least two reviews per one submission you make, to keep the balance. Firstly, I will ask you to do the spell checker. Next, read this:

[s]the[/s]The people see me when my friends see me they see me as a [s]rockstar[/s] rock star.
When a girl sees me, they see me as a fool.
But [s]but[/s] when I [s]i[/s] see [s]me[/s]myself [s]i[/s] I see an ordinary person.
Don't you wish people [s]can[/s] could see you as you see [s]your self[/s] yourself?

Hmm... it's a good idea, but the way you said it just didn't go with me. Firstly, if you don't fix your grammar no one will take you seriously. Secondly, you must work on the way you present your lines, what order will you take? How does this affect the reader?

I will offer my own suggestions, punctuation and lines breaks:

The people see me.
When my friends see me, they see me as a rock star.
When a girl sees me, [s]they[/s] she see me as a fool.
But when I see myself
I see an ordinary person.
Don't you wish people could see you,
as you see yourself?

I find that the way you wrote it was awkward and simple, there was little substance in my thought. Where are the wonderful metaphors, similes? I am sure you can really develop this idea.

I can't offer much more help than that because I find this very hard to understand, and there is not a lot to work with.

I hope I have been some help, but unless you try to improve yourself, nobody else will.

-Mark

Welcome to YWS, Drifter. As Aedomir said, we ask that you keep a general ratio of two critiques to one post of your own work, but it's all good since you're new ^_^ You might want to check out the rules as well. Now onto the poem!

Ending with a smiley face of any sort doesn't exactly give off the idea of seriousness. Why should they be used when words should be the strong point? Same with using proper punctuation such as apostrophes and capitalizing "I". To that extent, adding lines that try to excuse the poem don't do much either. Self deprecation won't get anyone anywhere. Being confidant in what you've written will.

Look at the last line: if I read it independent from the rest of the poem, I'd guess that I could get the same message without reading anything else in the poem. The last line is a summary, rather than a closing. It doesn't say anything new. Better would be to eliminate that line and expand the rest of the poem so that statement is something we understand rather than something that we're told.

Good luck!

Hi I'm new to YWS. Do you have any tips about work i may submit? Pm me or reply on here
Thanks

Adele x

Hey !
Welcom to YWS
anyways.. i think that this idea was really good, and i see where you are coming from, but i feel that your poem doesn't have much rythmn, and seems too sketchy, and too..forced, if that makes sense?

i could try to help you if you like, PM me (:

i really love the idea though
x

sorry if that was too harsh..im not the best a critiques..