Jane Toecup

Oh God, why today of all days?!

That damn Mary Rose had to drop in on the day I didn't want to see her the most. Eric Briggs and I were alone in my room and I knew what was going to happen. It was about time my Vcard was stamped - everything was right ,we had candles and music and smokes and white lightining. All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies. So instead of getting it on with the techno geek I was subjected to blowing his joystick(which he didn't mind). It sucked anyway - no pun intended he came within five mintues of foreplay - so that means he would finsih before anything would have happened anyway. By the time my mom and dad got back from church Eric was half way down the street and I sat in my rooom completely disappointed and on my rag.

My mom says she's sending me back to church. I don't even know what the big deal is; ok we were sitting at the table and my dad was tearing me a new one because I got detention for moaning in class. So I started moaning at the table and pretended I was posessed. Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.

Hey! Enjoying YWS?

I would just like to point out first the we do ask you to do two reviews for every submission you make, please correct this

Anyway:

Oh God, why today of all days?!

The exclamation mark is bad grammar

I didn't want to see her the most.

This is awkward, try rephrasing it. How about: "I wanted to see her the least." Really, the entire sentence irritates me, but for now it isn't an issue.

room, and I knew what was going to happen.

Comma ^_^

everything was right ,we had candles and music and smokes and white lightining. All of a sudden Mary Rose

Several things:
Comma misplace, 'lightining' is spelt 'lighting'. Also, the 'all of a sudden' is annoying. This is usually meant for when we are involved in a scene, perhaps 'suddenly' would work better.

she devil

Hyphenate please.

- that she devil bitch--popped

Keep fluidity, parentheses must keep constant.

All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies.

Am I missing something? I just don't understand this sentence.

joystick(which

Space between 'joystick' and brackets.

finsih

'finish'.

no pun intended he

Comma, after 'intended'.

rooom

'room'

ok

Capital letters.

Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.

I think that needed to be said! Do you know why? To your characters, perhaps this is normal. To a reader, we need to experience the emotions your character is going through. This whole 'telling not showing' is getting irritating.

Impressions
I can't say I enjoyed that really. I felt that the catching idea of sex didn't appeal, but it might have done if you had explained a little more about your characters emotions and background. There was no imagery, and the first sentence didn't really relate to your text - or at least, not enough. Emphasise the point, you can't expect a reader to keep checking back and rereading. The humour (although well-intentioned) didn't pay off for me.

Good luck, but I am sure you can do better - fix up the grammar first, then go onto advancing your writing structure and sentence fluidity. Are you sure you know where you are going?
-Mark

I'm assuming I know what this is about. But being a dude, I'm not that up to hype on that sorta thing. I wouldn't use "Mary Rose" so much, give us a little more of a hint than the black undies thing.

A few easy grammar mistakes that the above poster got, should try to weed those out before posting next time.

The last paragraph seems kind of random. I would either clean it up and shorten it, or lengthen it and edit/repost it.

I. NITPICKS

Black Doe wrote:Oh God, why today of all days?!That damned Mary Rose had to drop in on the day I didn't want to see her the most. Eric Briggs and I were alone in my room and I knew what was going to happen. It was about time my V-card was stamped - everything was right ,we had candles, music, smokes and white lighting. All of a sudden Mary Rose - that she-devil bitch--popped up from the bottom of my favorite black undies. So instead of getting it on with the techno geek I was subjected to blowing his joystick(which he didn't mind). It sucked anyway - no pun intended - he came within five minutes of foreplay - so that means he would finish before anything would have happened anyway. By the time my mom and dad got back from church, Eric was half way down the street and I sat in my room completely disappointed and on my rag.

My mom says she's sending me back to church. I don't even know what the big deal is; OK, we were sitting at the table and my dad was tearing me a new one because I got detention for moaning in class. So I started moaning at the table and pretended I was possessed. Needless to say I got a mouth full of blood for that one and cross welts on my back.

II. WHAT IS GOING ON?

Okay, what's going on the piece? That's the first thing I noticed. I don't know if it's because you live in the UK - you said "moaned" and I've only know that people in the UK use it in that context. I'm assuming that Mary Rose means her period right? I feel a bit stupid, honestly, for not knowing.

Other than that, the last paragraph. I think you should take out "I don't know what the big deal is", but besides that was that her parents beating her or was that some sort of hyperbole? Are they really that religiously strict that they believe she was possessed and try to beat her? Really, I think you need to elaborate on that bit.

III. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was okay...it did have a diary-like feel (is this real?), but I don't really read diary-style stories. Other than that, I think you should rate this "R" because of the sexual innuendo and euphemisms. Otherwise, keep it up and PM me if you have questions.

Thanx everyone and I totally see what I need to do - this really isn't a story its just a rough draft for one, I guess Im' looking into the character.