Years of Blazen #1

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Hey guys! The ending isn't really ending, sort of mid-dialogue (bad, I know!) Anyhow, tell me what you think? This is the almost prequel to EverWayward, so you can get to know the characters. Also, EverWayward is a little dark, I am making this more fun :-)

Chapter One:
Massacre


At last, Aedomir saw them. Like souls floating in a meadow, the company passed silently by the ice-topped pool. Their shadows rose from the torches in their hands and silvery figures rested on the water. But at that moment, Aedomir flinched, as he saw suddenly an explosion of light, as if dawn had broken with mighty fury. The pool erupted into many colours of white light, and a figure burst into a bolt of fire. Shrieks of the company about the poor man pierced Aedomir’s ears, as he seized his sword and cast his eyesight around. Then his vision began to break through the night, and looked strong and deep for movement. What he saw chilled his spine, for around the company many blackened shapes loomed, until the remaining of the men were trapped, horror-stricken like hares before the hunter.

Then, in a sudden woe the crouching stance of Aedomir became rapidly high and his blade shone moonlight magnificent. The ground beneath him trembled like thunder as he broke into sprint and felt the wind aside him part, his feet roaring into dust and speed. The world of night became a yonder shadow, and with that he kicked against the ground so powerfully that he leapt into the sky, and fell down upon the figures like anvil. Aedomir’s cry came so suddenly that for a single moment the night was filled with the echoing of a broken mountain.

His edge cut deep into a beast, and before thought, span round and smashed against another’s sword, thereby it was forced to break asunder. Clanking of blades sang for a while, until the ground was littered with corpses and Aedomir’s blood-stained sword was satisfied. He sheathed it, and turned round to the men before him.

They were dreary with sleep, but reigning cold with terror. The blackened body lay to the side of the battle, weakly mirroring some of the orange torch. A woman went to move towards it, but instead stopped and shattered with tears, comforted by no embrace. The others stood silently, eyes upon Aedomir. Their swords remained on guard and all trembled on edge.

“Sorry about your friend,” spoke Aedomir, in a somewhat tone of warmth.

“Who are you?” one wheezed.

Aedomir held up his hand, bruised with battle, and said, “Drop your swords, fools. I have just fought for you, have I not?”

“A man with questions never lowers his defence, good sir,” the man replied.

Aedomir smiled. “Wise words, wise words,” said he. “What is your name?”

“We should like to know yours first,” said the man, coldly.

“My name is Aedomir. And you?”

The man’s sword fell slightly. “We have no name – such words are meaningless now.”

“Then what can I call you?” mocked Aedomir. “Wind of the mountain?”

“If you need speak to us by our mortal names, then know me as Iared, this is-”

“I am sure these people are quite capable of speaking by their own tongue,” Aedomir interrupted. “Are you the leader or something?”

The others' faces turned to snarls, and the woman looked round, staying her pity. “Outlaws have no leader,” she said.
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




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But at that moment, Aedomir flinched, as he saw suddenly an explosion of light, as if dawn had broken with mighty fury.
Begin the sentence with suddenly, an explosion of light illuminated the sky, as if dawn had broken with a mighty fury. Aedomir flinched.
Shrieks of the company about the poor man pierced Aedomir’s ears, as he seized his sword and cast his eyesight around.
-- eysight sounds awkward here, how bout just eyes. Also if someone had gotten hit close to him wouldn't he have felt a tremor of some sort?
Then his vision began to break through the night, and looked strong and deep for movement.
his vision adjusted to the darkness and he surveyed his surroundings with wariness, sword at the ready.
What he saw chilled his spine, for around the company many blackened shapes loomed, until the remaining of the men were trapped, horror-stricken like hares before the hunter.
-- awkward, I suggest you split up these ideas. Or say What he saw chilled his spine. Many blackened shapes loomed around what was left of his company, trapping his companions like hares surrounded by hunters.
Then, in a sudden woe the crouching stance of Aedomir became rapidly high and his blade shone moonlight magnificent.
-- didn't really understand this sentence. What do you mean my woe.
Aedomir’s cry came so suddenly that for a single moment the night was filled with the echoing of a broken mountain.
-- Wait he broke the ground so hard he formed a montain? This was sort of confusing.
His edge cut deep into a beast, and before thought, span round and smashed against another’s sword, thereby it was forced to break asunder.
-- too much is happeneing in this one sentence. Split it up into seperate ideas. His edge cut deep into the beast. As the being collapsed, Aadomir spun around and smashed his metal against another's sword. Such a force caused the beast's blade to break asunder.
They were dreary with sleep, but reigning cold with terror.
-- this sentence is kind of awkward. Try to reword it.
The blackened body lay to the side of the battle, weakly mirroring some of the orange torch.
-- who's blackened body? the guys who was struck in the beginning? specify.
A woman went to move towards it, but instead stopped and shattered with tears, comforted by no embrace.
-- this is an incomplete thought. reread it and maybe say ...instead stopped and began to sob. No one came to comfort her.
The others stood silently, eyes upon Aedomir. Their swords remained on guard and all trembled on edge.
-- take out on edge

“Who are you?” one wheezed.
-- wheezed sounds awkward here.

I liked what you had here! Nice job! it was very interesting. Some suggestions:
1) Make sure your readers can understand some of the things you are saying. Everything goes so fast that you may need to slow down and explain like the explosion part or the part where Aadomir starts running.
2) Show don't tell

Other than that well done! Keep up the good work!




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Wow thanks very much scasha!

Great suggestions - I always have troubles with the first few lines :-) I would agree with you on those things, but at the time I was too tired to care :wink: ... I know, I know, bad lol. I personally felt I was combining together too many ideas, perhaps I should just lengthen them out.

Thanks,

-Mark
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.



When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson