The Land of Camelot: Uncle Magacian

[pre]CHAPTER ONE

The trees whistled as the strong wind passed through. A huge tornado was passing through Chicago. A little girl named Carla sat in bed hugging her teddy bear tight. All of a sudden her window busted open and the wind rushed through her face. Her sister Amanda came in and grabbed her out of the bed. Amanda and Carla ran outside and hid in the cellar. Their Mother and their brother John hugged each other tight. They could feel the roof of the cellar rattling. John grabbed on to the handle to keep it from shaking. Carla gasped.
“Mister Teddy, Mister Teddy I dropped Mister Teddy,” Carla yelled.

Carla let go of her family and tried to climb out of the cellar. John pushed her out of the way. Carla skid across the floor. Amanda hit John with an angry face.

“I’m sorry Carla,” John apologized.

Carla got off the floor with her eye’s filled with tears.

“I just want my Mister Teddy,” Carla whined stomping the ground.

Carla’s Mother wrapped her arm around Carla and smiled. Then she kissed her forehead and sat in an old rocking chair. She gathered Amanda around too.

“I can hear the pieces of the farm tearing off,” Mother told them climbing from out of her chair.

Amanda inhaled.

“What will we eat,” Amanda wondered thinking about living poor.

Mother shrugged, “Whatever your Uncle prefers. Amanda squinted her eye. Then she scoffed. “Wait, wait Uncle what Uncle,” Amanda asked.

Their Mother sighed and paced around them. Amanda followed her Mother around the room. “You will have to go to England and live with
your Uncle,” their Mother informed. “We have an Uncle,” Amanda questioned. “In England,” Carla added. Their Mother nodded sadly.

The next day they were at a train station. They all crowded on a bench pushing and shoving. A train pulled up and all of the families stood up. Amanda stared up at the big red train it spooked her out everytime she thought about leaving her Mother. Amanda hugged her Mom, then Carla and John. They picked up their bags and stepped on the train. Carla stopped in front of the ticket lady. She turned around and looked at her Mom. Her Mom blew her a kiss.

“Excuse me little girl I need your ticket,” a lady spoke to Carla.

Carla handed her the ticket and stepped onto the bus. They peeked into a curtain and the room was empty. They all sat down and pulled up the window. The train began to take off. All the kids waved to their parents. All the children were either going to live with relatives or strangers. Carla and her family searched for their Mother. Suddenly, a crowd of parents began chasing the train waving. They still couldn’t see her anywhere. When the flock of parents passed by they finally saw her and waved.

Later, beside a road the three kids stood there with their eyes squinted because of the raving sun. A car came by and splashed mud on them. Amanda gasped and pulled a washcloth from out of her bag.

“That is it I want to go home,” Amanda grumbled almost crying.

She sat down on the raggedy bench. They all sat down feeling lonely and sad. They looked down as if they were crying silently to themselves. Suddenly, Carla heard galloping coming around from the corner. Carla searched around then she spotted a carriage coming to them. A lady was sitting on the carriage. She wore a tan dress and round spectacles. The lady looked very mean cause had a bick frown a hair mole on her chin. She looked down at them from her glasses.

“I hope she isn’t our Uncle,” John joked.

They all stood up gathering their bags.

“Are you children here to stay with the Professor,” the lady asked. Carla giggled and nodded.

“No, we’re here to stay with our Uncle,” Carla chuckled.


Amanda told Carla to be quiet then she cleared her throat. The lady frowned at the kids.

“Yes, we’re here to stay with the Professor,” Amanda nodded.

The lady ordered them to climb onto the carriage. As they rode on the carriage the lady explained them a lot of things.

“My name is Ms. Mason I am the Professor’s servant and I am now your nanny,” Ms. Mason told them. “Our house is very famous so we have TV reporters visiting almost every week when we have guests I need you to stay clear at all times,” Ms. Mason urged, lifting her chin up.

Carla squinted her eye as she stared at Ms. Mason. She realized Ms. Mason was rather pushy. Carla stared at the trees and the ponds. Amanda was eager to find out why the house was so famous. She had brought her diary and she knew she could write a ton of things in it now.

John was too busy listening to Ms. Mason to even have his own thoughts. Strangely John liked to be the favorite one so he wanted to know all the rules so he couldn’t break them.

“Your curfew is at 12:00 and please I beg of you do not bother the Professor he is a very busy man and he doesn’t have time to fool with rotten kids,” Ms. Mason demonstrated.

The horses began to move slower as they pulled up to a big mansion. Usually mansions are old and raggedy and filthy. This mansion looked shiny as a newborn baby. It looked as if it just got painted two minutes ago and the bushes around it were trimmed very well. All of the three children were amazed how big the mansion was. They never in a million years had dreamed of staying in a place like this. Ms. Mason stopped and so did the children’s breathing. They climbed out of the carriage. They knew they were going to love this place.

Afterwards, Ms. Mason was giving them a tour of the house. The three kids were fascinated they had never seen anything like it before. After the tour Ms. Mason showed them their room. Their room had four twin beds. The kids were delighted they were staying with their Uncle. When they finally settled in it was nighttime. They crept downstairs and made a fire by the fireplace. Ms. Mason fixed them coco and told them they needed to be going to bed shortly.

Amanda knew it would be hard for Carla to go to bed. When she drinks anything besides water or milk before bed she gets hyper. So hyper that she’ll jitter in her sleep. John was the only one who wasn’t over fascinated about this. John was calm as though he had once lived in a big mansion and he was the richest person in the world.

“You know we should be going to bed,” John said. Amanda nodded and sat her coco down. “John is right we should be going to bed Ms. Mason is mighty bitter,” Amanda justified. Carla scoffed. “Yes, indeed we should be hitting the hay-sack,” Carla agreed climbing off of the floor.

Carla got up and walked to their room. Amanda and John were surprised she wasn’t hyper. They glanced at each other and shrugged.

When they woke up the next morning they sat in their room reading a book. Carla reached under her bed and pulled out a teddy bear. The teddy bear had an eye missing he was ripped open he had a scar on his face. It was Mister Teddy he had been terribly injured during the tornado. Amanda saw a man walk pass their door. She got out and bed and followed him. The man walked into a spare room. Amanda waited awhile then she peeked into the room. She saw the man open a tall cupboard almost taller than him. He opened the door and snow blew into his face. Amanda gasped she was completely astonished. The man stepped inside and closed the door. Amanda was speechless for a while then she opened the door and walked in.

When Amanda opened the cupboard snow blew into her eyes. She got the snow out of her eyes and searched for him. Someone touched her shoulder. Amanda quickly turned around. A man with a white long beard and glasses that made him looked cross-eyed stood behind Amanda. Amanda scanned his five-hundred-dollar suit and his crocodile tap shoes. The Professor walked her to a desk and sat her down.

Meanwhile, the man asked her tons of questions about her Mother. It turned out that he was their Uncle also known as the Professor.

“Uncle Professor why was their snow in your cupboard,” Amanda questioned.

Uncle Professor set down his tea. Then he cleared his throat and stood up. He walked towards the cupboard and zapped it with his hands as if he had powers. Yellow light came beaming out of his hand and striking the cupboard. Then he opened the cupboard and birds flew out. Amanda squinted her eye.

“It’s all about magic me child,” Uncle Professor explained.

Amanda scoffed. Then she nodded.

“There is no such thing as magic I’ve heard so myself at school my science teacher explained it all,” Amanda told Professor.

Uncle Professor laughed.

“It takes a magician to know a magician,” Uncle Professor smiled. Amanda was confused. She knew there was no such thing as magic.

However, she couldn’t explain how the snow and the birds appeared in the cupboard. Maybe it was magic or maybe it was something else. Amanda opened the cupboard then she felt a breeze. Amanda stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Amanda continued to walk forward maybe he had a bag of snow in here and cages of birds and other wild animals that just flee out and about when they want to. Amanda was expecting to feel a hard wooden wall in front of her, but she never felt anything. Amanda put her hand out like a zombie. Then her hand touched something it wasn’t a hard wooden surface. It wasn’t even the back of the cupboard. It was more of a tree branch. Amanda stepped forward and gasped.

At that point Amanda stood in the middle of the woods. The wood was very beautiful and it was covered in snow. Amanda figured she had to be dreaming. Amanda kept walking in the woods. Before she left her spot she examined the tree so she could find her way back home. Amanda gazed around the woods as she traveled. All of a sudden Amanda slipped on a couple of acorns. She fell flat down on her face when she looked up a squirrel with big glasses stood waving his hand in front of her face. Amanda backed away.

“It’s okay I won’t hurt you,” the squirrel assured.

Amanda’s mouth gaped wide open. She didn’t know squirrels could talk.

“Squirrels can’t talk,” Amanda said, staring at the squirrel.

“Well, my lips are moving and words are coming out,” the squirrel joked, smacking on his acorns.

“Come on and follow me,” the squirrel ordered.

Amanda stood up and followed his command. The squirrel explained a ton of things to Amanda as he juggled his acorns one hand from another. Amanda kept mentioning that she knew squirrels couldn’t talk.

“Just about everything in Camelot can talk the trees, the plants, caterpillars, and all sorts of living things,” the squirrel informed Amanda.

Amanda squinted her eye. Every living thing in the world couldn’t talk.

“What is your name sir,” Amanda asked.

The squirrel chuckled.

“My name is Mr. Acorn Father of all acorns when the squirrels want to go on vacation thy trust me to look after their precious little acorns,” Mr. Acorn greeted.

Amanda laughed.

“My name is Amanda,” Amanda told Mr. Acorn.

Mr. Acorn stood in the middle of the woods. He swallowed a big acorn and burped. Amanda raised her eyebrows she was rather surprised.

“Say Amanda do you happen to be a Daughter of Eve,” Mr. Acorn wondered.

Amanda smiled.

“Why yes if you put it that way I mean Adam and Eve were the first to be in the Garden then I guess yes,” Amanda nodded.

Mr. Acorn dropped his acorns and ran to her. He climbed up her entire body and sat on her hand.

“Amanda what are you doing here,” Mr. Acorn asked as they continued to walk. Amanda shrugged.

“What do you mean you don’t know, turn left,” Mr. Acorn exclaimed as he gave her directions to his cottage.

Amanda pondered on about his question. She didn’t know how she got here in “Camelot”.

“Well, I have an uncle and he claims to have magic so I came in here to find out about the snow and the birds and I ended up here,” Amanda explained.

Mr. Acorn was very confused. He didn’t understand a word Amanda had just said he was convinced that Amanda didn’t know either. Mr. Acorn climbed off her head and led her to a cottage.






Amanda was surprised that squirrels had homes. The cottage was made out of tree branches and twigs. Amanda squatted down to get through the doorway. Oddly, the inside was rather her size. A lady came inside and laughed. Then she stood by Amanda’s leg and squeezed it tight.

“I thought I would never live to see the day,” Mrs. Acorn smiled.

Amanda was very confused. Mr. Acorn flopped in a chair and kicked off his snow-boots.

“She reads a lot of books about humans she has always wanted to meet one,” Mr. Acorn explained.

Suddenly, someone banged on their door like an angry policeman.
[/pre]

Okay, I read through the first half of this- up until they meet the woman in the tan dress and round spectacles. The mean one, you know. I think the biggest problem I had with this excerpt is that everything is succicnt to the point of tedium. The tornado came. A door flew open. They fled to the cellar. The farm was destroyed. The mother sent them to live with their uncle. They went on a train. ETC. ETC.

There isn't any detail, emotion, or much of anything to this other than a list of events. Why was there a rocking chair in the cellar? How could the mother have known that the farm was ruined to the point of destruction? Suddenly the mother is pacing, but wasn't she in a rocking chair just a moment before?

Did I mention the lack of detail? What was the train like? Why couldn't the children view their mother at one point? Was there a person in the way? Why did the woman in the tan dress and round spectacles (the only source of detail I could find) appear mean to the children?

Everything just appears to be incomplete. As the reader, I'd like to know more about the destruction of the farm, who this mysterious uncle is, and more information on the behavior and physical appearance of the children. What happened to the mother after she sent her children away? Where was their father?

I hope this helps.
Ennui x

thanks for the extra tips

i really needed them i ma new to this site

i will try to do better next time

i will try to describe things more

and all the other things that need editing

Hey Jaliayh! Luckily for you (or perhaps unluckily for you) I'm in a critiquing mood today! Comments will be in red, corrections are in bold.

The trees whistled as the strong wind passed through. A huge tornado was passing through Chicago Try meshing those two sentences together to make something like 'The trees whistled as the strong winds from the tornado passed through Chicago'. It just doesn't flow well the way you have it now.. A little girl named Carla sat in bed hugging her teddy bear tight. All of a sudden her window [s]busted[/s] Burst? Busted doesn't sound right open and the wind rushed [s]through[/s] past her face. Her sister ,Amanda, came in and grabbed her out of the bed. Amanda and Carla ran outside and hid in the cellar. Their Mother and their brother John hugged each other tight. They could feel the roof of the cellar rattling. John grabbed on to the handle to keep it from shaking. Carla gasped. “Mister Teddy, Mister Teddy! I dropped Mister Teddy[s],[/s]!” Carla yelled.

This whole first paragraph, instead of showing us what's going on, is telling us. Add some more description in there! How does Carla and Amanda feel about the whole thing? Emotions help so much with showing, but don't just say 'Carla was scared'. Tell us how she was scared. How did she act? Things like that will bring your writing to life.

Carla let go of her family and tried to climb out of the cellar. John pushed her out of the way. Carla skid across the floor. Amanda hit John with an angry face That sounded really odd. She 'hit' him? Maybe try rewording that. “I’m sorry Carla,” John apologized. Carla got off the floor with her eye’s filled with tears. “I just want my Mister Teddy,” Carla whined stomping the ground.

Carla’s [s]M[/s]mother wrapped her arm around Carla and smiled. Then she kissed her forehead and sat her in an old rocking chair. She gathered Amanda around too.

“Now kids, our farm is ruined,” Mother told them. Amanda inhaled. “What will we eat,” Amanda wondered thinking about living poor. Mother shrugged, “Whatever your Uncle prefers." Amanda squinted her eye[s]. T[/s], then she scoffed. “Wait, [s]wait[/s]what Uncle [s]what Uncle,[/s]?” Amanda asked.

Their Mother sighed and paced around them. Amanda followed her Mother around the room. “You will have to go to England and live with your Uncle,” their Mother informed. “We have an Uncle[s],[/s]?” Amanda questioned. “In England[s],[/s]?” Carla added. Their Mother nodded sadly.

The next day they were at a train station. They all crowded on a bench pushing and shoving. A train pulled up and all of the families stood up. Amanda hugged her Mom, then Carla and John. They picked up their bags and stepped on the train. Carla stopped in front of the ticket lady. She turned around and looked at her Mom. Her Mom blew her a kiss. “Excuse me little girl I need your ticket,” a lady spoke to Carla.

Carla handed her the ticket and stepped onto the bus I thougt they were at a train station...?. They peeked into a curtain and the room was empty. They all sat down and pulled up the window. The train began to take off. All the kids waved to their parents. All the children were either going to live with relatives or strangers. Carla and her family searched for their Mother. They couldn’t see her anywhere. Finally, they saw her and waved.

Again, too much telling, not enough showing. Try to add in emotions and actions more, and describe them. Don't just say, 'they saw her and waved'. That sounds flat and bland. Say something like 'Searching desperatly through the sea of unfamiliar faces, the children finally caught sight of their mother and lifted their hands to wave.'

Or something like that. Give it more spice!

Later, beside a road, the three kids stood [s]there[/s] with their eyes squinted because of the raving sun. A car came by and splashed mud on them. Amanda gasped and pulled a washcloth from out of her bag. “[s]That is[/s]That's it! I want to go home,” Amanda grumbled almost crying She wouldn't be grumbling if she was about to cry. She might be whining, complaining, sighing or something else along those lines. But I doubt she'd be grumbling.

She sat down on the raggedy bench. They all sat down, feeling lonely and sad. They looked down You used down in the previous two sentence. It's getting repetative. Maybe change it to something else. as if they were crying silently to themselves. Suddenly, Carla heard galloping coming around from the corner. [s]Carla[/s]She searched around, then she spotted a carriage coming to them. A lady was sitting on the carriage Again, you used carriage in the previous sentence. Might want to change one of them. She wore a tan dress and round spectacles. The lady looked very mean How did she look mean? People you just see on the side of the street don't usually just 'look mean' (though yes, sometimes they do). Show us why Carla thought she looked mean. She looked down at them from her glasses. “I hope she isn’t our Uncle,” John joked. They all stood up, gathering their bags. “Are you children here to stay with the Professor[s],[/s]?” the lady asked. Carla giggled and nodded. “No, we’re here to stay with our Uncle,” Carla chuckled. If Carla thought the lady was mean, why would she be happy and giggily? Wouldn't she be shy and meek?

Amanda told Carla to be quiet then she cleared her throat. The lady frowned at the kids. “Yes, we’re here to stay with the Professor,” Amanda nodded.

The lady ordered them to climb onto the carriage. As they rode on the carriage the lady explained them a lot of things. “My name is Ms. Mason I am the Professor’s servant and I am now your nanny,” Ms. Mason told them. “Our house is very famous so we have TV reporters visiting almost every week when we have guests I need you to stay clear at all times,” Ms. Mason urged, lifting her chin up.

Carla squinted her eye as she stared at Ms. Mason. She realized Ms. Mason was rather pushy. Carla stared at the trees and the ponds. Amanda was eager to find out why the house was so famous. She had brought her diary and she knew she could write a ton of things in it now.

John was too busy listening to Ms. Mason to even have his own thoughts. Strangely John liked to be the favorite one so he wanted to know all the rules so he couldn’t break them.

“Your curfew is at 12:00 and please I beg of you do not bother the Professor he is a very busy man and he doesn’t have time to fool with rotten kids,” Ms. Mason demonstrated.

The horses began to move slower as they pulled up to a big mansion. Usually mansions are old and raggedy and filthy. This mansion looked shiny as a newborn baby. It looked as if it just got painted two minutes ago and the bushes around it were trimmed very well. All of the three children were amazed how big the mansion was. They never, in a million years, had dreamed of staying in a place like this. Ms. Mason stopped and so did the children’s breathing. They climbed out of the carriage. They knew they were going to love this place.

Afterwards, Ms. Mason was giving them a tour of the house. The three kids were fascinated; they had never seen anything like it before. After the tour Ms. Mason showed them their room. Their room had four twin beds. The kids were delighted they were staying with their Uncle. When they finally settled in it was nighttime. They crept downstairs and made a fire by the fireplace. Ms. Mason fixed them coco and told them they needed to be going to bed shortly.

Amanda knew it would be hard for Carla to go to bed. When she drinks anything besides water or milk before bed she gets hyper. So hyper that she’ll jitter in her sleep. John was the only one who wasn’t over-fascinated about this. John was calm as though he had once lived in a big mansion and he was the richest person in the world.

“You know, we should be going to bed,” John said. Amanda nodded and sat her coco down. “John is right we should be going to bed. Ms. Mason is mighty bitter,” Amanda justified. Carla scoffed. “Yes, indeed we should be hitting the hay-sack,” Carla agreed climbing off of the floor.

Carla got up and walked to their room. Amanda and John were surprised she wasn’t hyper. They glanced at each other and shrugged.

When they woke up the next morning they sat in their room reading a book. Carla reached under her bed and pulled out a teddy bear. The teddy bear had an eye missing he was ripped open [s]he[/s]and had a scar on his face. It was Mister Teddy. [s]h[/s]He had been terribly injured during the tornado. Amanda saw a man walk pass their door. She got out and bed and followed him. The man walked into a spare room. Amanda waited awhile then she peeked into the room. She saw the man open a tall cupboard almost taller than him. He opened the door and snow blew into his face. Amanda gasped; she was completely astonished. The man stepped inside and closed the door. Amanda was speechless for a while then she opened the door and walked in.

When Amanda opened the cupboard snow blew into her eyes. She got the snow out of her eyes and searched for him. Someone touched her shoulder. Amanda quickly turned around. A man with a white long beard and glasses that made him looked cross-eyed stood behind Amanda. Amanda scanned his five-hundred-dollar suit and his crocodile tap shoes. The Professor walked her to a desk and sat her down.

Meanwhile, the man asked her tons of questions about her Mother. It turned out that he was their Uncle also known as the Professor. “Uncle Professor why was their snow in your cupboard,” Amanda questioned. Uncle Professor set down his tea. Then he cleared his throat and stood up. He walked towards the cupboard and zapped it with his hands as if he had powers. Yellow light came beaming out of his hand and striking the cupboard. Then he opened the cupboard and birds flew out. Amanda squinted her eye.

“It’s all about magic m[s]e[/s]y child,” Uncle Professor explained. Amanda scoffed. Then she nodded.

“There is no such thing as magic. I’ve heard so myself at school. [s]m[/s]My science teacher explained it all,” Amanda told Professor. Uncle Professor laughed.

“It takes a magician to know a magician,” Uncle Professor smiled. Amanda was confused. She knew there was no such thing as magic. However, she couldn’t explain how the snow and the birds appeared in the cupboard. Maybe it was magic or maybe it was something else. Amanda opened the cupboard then she felt a breeze. Amanda stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Amanda continued to walk forward maybe he had a bag of snow in here and cages of birds and other wild animals that just flee out and about when they want to. Amanda was expecting to feel a hard wooden wall in front of her, but she never felt anything. Amanda put her hand out like a zombie. Then her hand touched something it wasn’t a hard wooden surface. It wasn’t even the back of the cupboard. It was more of a tree branch. Amanda stepped forward and gasped.

At that point Amanda stood in the middle of the woods. The wood was very beautiful and it was covered in snow. Amanda figured she had to be dreaming. Amanda kept walking in the woods. Before she left her spot she examined the tree so she could find her way back home. Amanda gazed around the woods as she traveled. All of a sudden Amanda slipped on a couple of acorns. She fell flat down on her face when she looked up a squirrel with big glasses stood waving his hand in front of her face. Amanda backed away.

“It’s okay I won’t hurt you,” the squirrel assured.

Amanda’s mouth gaped wide open. She didn’t know squirrels could talk.

“Squirrels can’t talk,” Amanda said, staring at the squirrel.

“Well, my lips are moving and words are coming out,” the squirrel joked, smacking on his acorns. That line was taken from Alivn and the Chipmunks, no? I'd reword it to make it your own. Taking lines from other movies and books without the creator's permission is actually a form of copyright. Since this one was small, I'm sure you could reword it and it'd be fine. ^.^

“Come on and follow me,” the squirrel ordered. Amanda stood up and followed his command. The squirrel explained a ton of things to Amanda as he juggled his acorns one hand from another. Amanda kept mentioning that she knew squirrels couldn’t talk. “Just about everything in Camelot can talk. [s]t[/s]The trees, the plants, caterpillars, and all sorts of living things,” the squirrel informed Amanda.

Amanda squinted her eye. Every living thing in the world couldn’t talk. “What is your name sir[s],[/s]?” Amanda asked.

The squirrel chuckled.

“My name is Mr. Acorn, Father of all acorns when the squirrels want to go on vacation they trust me to look after their precious little acorns,” Mr. Acorn greeted. Amanda laughed. “My name is Amanda,” Amanda told Mr. Acorn.

Mr. Acorn stood in the middle of the woods. He swallowed a big acorn and burped. Amanda raised her eyebrows; she was rather surprised.

“Say Amanda do you happen to be a Daughter of Eve,” Mr. Acorn wondered. Amanda smiled.

“Why yes if you put it that way I mean Adam and Eve were the first to be in the Garden then I guess yes,” Amanda nodded.

Mr. Acorn dropped his acorns and ran to her. He climbed up her entire body and sat on her hand.

“Amanda what are you doing here[s],[/s]?” Mr. Acorn asked as they continued to walk. Amanda shrugged.

“What do you mean you don’t know, turn left,” Mr. Acorn exclaimed as he gave her directions to his cottage. Amanda pondered on about his question. She didn’t know how she got here in “Camelot”.

“Well, I have an uncle and he claims to have magic so I came in here to find out about the snow and the birds and I ended up here,” Amanda explained.

Mr. Acorn was very confused. He didn’t understand a word Amanda had just said he was convinced that Amanda didn’t know either. Mr. Acorn climbed off her head and led her to a cottage. Amanda was surprised that squirrels had homes. The cottage was made out of tree branches and twigs. Amanda squatted down to get through the doorway. Oddly, the inside was rather her size. A lady came inside and laughed. Then she stood by Amanda’s leg and squeezed it tight.

“I thought I would never live to see the day,” Mrs. Acorn smiled. Amanda was very confused. Mr. Acorn flopped in a chair and kicked off his snow-boots. “She reads a lot of books about humans she has always wanted to meet one,” Mr. Acorn explained. Suddenly, someone banged on their door like an angry policeman Angry policeman throws off the whole effect you're trying to make. Try, 'Suddenly, someone banged on the door urgently'.

Ok, with that out of the way...

First thing I want to point out...this sounded a lot like Narnia. Too much, actually. To be perfectly honest (and I'm not trying to be rude or mean when I say this) but I think this would be better as fanfiction. The whole idea is based around Narnia. The fact that something happens and the kids have to be sent away to live with their uncle and have a nasty nanny and one girl finds the wardrobe (or cupboard, as you have it) and meets some weird being inside the land inside the wardrobe/cupboard...it's got Narnia written all over it.

But, besides that, you do a lot of telling and not so much showing (as I've already pointed out). You, as the author, need to show us, the readers, what's going on. Don't just bluntly say it.

Wouldn't you agree that 'Stiffled moans and cries escaped the dry lips of the prisoners' sounds better than 'The prisoners cried out through dry lips'? You need to give your writing life and purpose!

Your character deveolpment was good, as was your dialog (though some of it does repeat). All in all, this was a good story. It just needs a bit of patching up (as does every story. Nothing is perfect, remember). Just try to make it a bit less...Narnia-esque. It will help give the readers a better mental picture of what's happening in your story and not what happened in Narnia.

Good job!

-May la Be

sorry to say this since you are new to this site and all but it really seemed like narnia. most of us here already know what might happen next so please try to make it your own. change the characters, change the setting, change the events and there you willhave your own story. i still think it was nice though atleast you tried. you should also try to make it a bit more descriptive make it seem like we are actually on the spot watching everything. some sentences are short so try and make it abit longer. nothing else. hope to see more of your work.

pm me anytime
xxxxx

change the characters, change the setting, change the events and there you willhave your own story.

Well, I agree with budding writer.

Be more original. Make your own story. Or you should, as others have pointed out, post this story on fan fiction.

I hope you continue writing. Either fan fiction or fantasy. Please inform me when you post another story. I'd love to read it. And remember what budding writer has told you. (also what I would've said. =P)

Seeya then.