Land Of Camelot: Uncle Magician

[pre]Everyone was quiet for a moment. Then Mr. Acorn walked slowly to the door. He pulled it open. A faun was standing at the door.

“There is a meeting being held on the hill,” the faun informed. Mr. Acorn sighed. Mrs. Acorn stepped forward and welcomed the faun inside. “What is this meeting about,” Mrs. Acorn wondered. The faun licked his lip scrambling around with his hat. “Well, our Camelot watchers have claimed to see,” the faun began. Then he began to stare at Amanda. His mouth gaped open. “Humans,” the faun added quietly to himself. He was full of shock. He stepped towards Amanda. Amanda’s eyes bulged. “Do you happen to be a Daughter of Eve,” the faun asked. Amanda’s heart pounded. She didn’t know what to say. The faun looked scary. He looked as if he were going to eat her. “Why no she is not,” Mrs. Acorn piped up. The faun sniffed the air. “Hmm, you sure do smell like all humans they smell like chicken and blood,” the faun sneered. The faun chuckled. Then he waved to everyone.
The faun stepped out of the cottage. Mrs. Acorn took a sigh of relief. Then she looked at Amanda. “I’m sorry Amanda Mr. Fauncy is a really nice guy, but before our commander died he put a curse on certain people,” Mrs. Acorn demonstrated. Mr. Acorn groaned and rolled his eyes. He propped up out of his chair. Then he stood up in front of Amanda. “Look, the man is a jerk he calls himself the King of Camelot. “Well he is, but nobody likes him,” Mr. Acorn told Amanda. “Anyway, one day he spotted a Daughter of Eve roaming around Camelot he put a curse on certain people saying that if they see a human they must kill them,” Mr. Acorn yelled becoming more angry at himself. Mrs. Acorn pushed Mr. Acorn out of the way. Then she gave Amanda a cup of tea. Amanda sat down and sipped it. “Yes, legend says that if a Daughter of Eve is caught in Camelot he will suffer in his sleep, but if two Daughter’s of eye and two Son’s of Adam are here he will rise from the dead,” Mrs. Acorn demonstrated. Mr. Acorn jumped up and interrupted again. “I hope the man rots in his grave he deserves it,” Mr. Acorn growled. Mrs. Acorn nodded and stood up beside Amanda. She opened the door and greeted her out. “You must go, but come visit again,” Mrs. Acorn pleaded. Amanda smiled and waved to Mr. Acorn and Mrs. Acorn. They seemed like very nice people.
Amanda ran through the wardrobe. When she burst out Uncle Professor was at his desk eating blueberry muffins. “Uncle-Uncle, I meet the squirrel and the faun,” Amanda yelled. Uncle Professor squinted his eye. He sat his muffin down and stepped up to her. “What on God’s green Earth are you talking about,” Uncle Professor asked. Amanda laughed and nodded. Then she sat in the seat. “You don’t have to hide it anymore I know about Camelot,” Amanda scoffed. Uncle Professor raised an eyebrow. Then he took another bite out of his muffin. “Are you meaning to tell me that you found another land in my wardrobe,” Uncle Professor asked. Amanda nodded happily. Uncle Professor burst out into laughter. Then Uncle Professor led her to the door. “Maybe you need some rest,” Uncle Professor suggested. He opened the door and let Amanda out.
Carla and John were outside playing leap-frog. They stopped and laid down in the lawn. They stared up at the big mansion. They had to admit it looked more scarier yesterday. John explained that he saw news reporters going to the mansion behind their mansion. Of course both of them belonged to Professor. Carla sighed. This meant the news reporters were coming to this mansion today. John hopped up and grabbed Carla’s hand. They ran into the back of the mansion. John walked around examining. It did look like a museum about the Queen of England or something. Carla tugged on John’s sleeve. John snatched away. “Carla what on Earth are you doing,” John asked. “ I hear footsteps coming,” Carla whispered. John stared at the stairwell. Then they quickly dashed behind the knight. The knight felt heavy and bold strong enough to hide them.
Amanda stepped up the stairs then Ms. Mason came trotting behind her. Ms. Mason was poking her cane into the ground so hard she almost made the floor collapse. “Didn’t I worn you not to bother the Professor,” Ms. Mason snapped. Amanda sighed and looked away as Ms. Mason blabbered on and on. Then she finally got tired and nodded. “He’s our Uncle I don’t understand why we can’t say hey or howdy do,” Amanda explained. Ms. Mason snarled. Then she banged her cane on the ground. Amanda’s eyes bulged. “That is exactly why you live in England now you will learn to speak proper or I won’t speak to you at all,” Ms. Mason growled. Amanda unfolded her arms and smiled, “Is that a promise. Amanda switched away and Ms. Mason chased her.
That night Amanda and everyone else had fallen to sleep. Except, for Uncle Professor. He was wandering around the house with his big goofy spectacles quiet as a mouse. Uncle Professor crept into their room and flickered the light a couple of times. Amanda hopped up she wiped and laughed. Carla blinked and few times and climbed out of bed. “Why Amanda who is this silly ole man,” Carla wondered. Amanda chuckled. Then she hugged Uncle Professor.

“This is Uncle Professor Carla,” Amanda said. Carla’s mouth dropped.[/pre]

Then Mr. Acorn walked slowly to the door. He pulled it open. A faun was standing at the door.

-- okay i suggest saying Mr. Acorn walked slowly to the door and pulled it open. A faun stood at the entrance
“

There is a meeting being held on the hill,” the faun informed. Mr. Acorn sighed. Mrs. Acorn stepped forward and welcomed the faun inside. “What is this meeting about,” Mrs. Acorn wondered.

-- okay try to write your dialogue as if someone was talking. say There's a meeting being held on the hill, the faun stated, clopping into the room. Then say what's the meeting about? Combine both action and dialogue so your audience is more engaged.

The faun licked his lip scrambling around with his hat

. -- i didn't really understand what he is doing with his hat here.

“Well, our Camelot watchers have claimed to see,” the faun began. Then he began to stare at Amanda.

-- our camelot watchers claimed to have seen the faun stopped in mid-sentence, staring wide-eyed at Amanda.

He was full of shock.

-- take this out, the readers can already tell that he is full of shock.

The faun looked scary. He looked as if he were going to eat her.

-- show that he is scary, don't tell us that he is scary. Maybe his teeth are barred or something

“Hmm, you sure do smell like all humans they smell like chicken and blood,” the faun sneered.

insert a period after humans.

The faun chuckled. Then he waved to everyone.

-- this is kind of abrupt. Don't include chuckled or waved sentences. Maybe say Mr. Acorn turned to the faun. "I think we should step outside." Then say the faun chuckled and then with a sharp glance at Amanda followed Mr. Acorn out of the cottage.

The faun stepped out of the cottage.

take this out

Mrs. Acorn took a sigh of relief.

-- Mrs. Acorn sighed with relief.

“I’m sorry Amanda Mr. Fauncy is a really nice guy, but before our commander died he put a curse on certain people,” Mrs. Acorn demonstrated.

-- who died? the commander? be more clear. Also find a different word for demonstrated. Does she point at Fauncy or at Mr. Acorn?

“Look, the man is a jerk he calls himself the King of Camelot. “Well he is, but nobody likes him,” Mr. Acorn told Amanda.

insert period after jerk. then say Mr. Acorn paused to think and then finished "well..."

“Anyway, one day he spotted a Daughter of Eve roaming around Camelot he put a curse on certain people saying that if they see a human they must kill them,” Mr. Acorn yelled becoming more angry at himself.

-- why does he become so angry. Maybe show that he was more enrage before.

Mrs. Acorn pushed Mr. Acorn out of the way.

Maybe instead she scolds him, telling him to calm down.

“Yes, legend says that if a Daughter of Eve is caught in Camelot he will suffer in his sleep, but if two Daughter’s of eye and two Son’s of Adam are here he will rise from the dead,” Mrs. Acorn demonstrated.

-- who is the he that you are talking about? or was this in a previous chapter? unclear

Mr. Acorn jumped up and interrupted again. “I hope the man rots in his grave he deserves it,” Mr. Acorn growled.

period after grave.

Mrs. Acorn nodded and stood up beside Amanda. She opened the door and greeted her out. “You must go, but come visit again,” Mrs. Acorn pleaded. Amanda smiled and waved to Mr. Acorn and Mrs. Acorn. They seemed like very nice people.

-- again try to avoid the suddeness. Maybe Amanda says she has to go. Rework this part

“Uncle-Uncle, I meet the squirrel and the faun,” Amanda yelled.

-- should be met instead of meet.

Amanda laughed and nodded.

instead maybe say Amanda laughed and shook her head.

“Are you meaning to tell me that you found another land in my wardrobe,” Uncle Professor asked.

-- instead say "do you mean to tell me that...

Amanda nodded happily. Uncle Professor burst out into laughter. Then Uncle Professor led her to the door.

Abruptness again, try to smoothly transition.

Carla and John were outside playing leap-frog. They stopped and laid down in the lawn. They stared up at the big mansion. They had to admit it looked more scarier yesterday. John explained that he saw news reporters going to the mansion behind their mansion.

-- again, show don't tell.

John hopped up and grabbed Carla’s hand. They ran into the back of the mansion.

-- abrupt again, why do they want to go there? Maybe say that John turned to Carla and said, "You want to go exploring?"

Then they quickly dashed behind the knight. The knight felt heavy and bold strong enough to hide them.

-- take out then. Deat the knight sentence.

Amanda stepped up the stairs then Ms. Mason came trotting behind her.

-- instead say Amanda stepped up the stairs with Ms. Mason trotting behind her.

Ms. Mason snarled.

-- have her say something here.

That night Amanda and everyone else had fallen to sleep. Except, for Uncle Professor.

-- should be one sentence

He was wandering around the house with his big goofy spectacles quiet as a mouse.

-- delete quiet as a mouse

Uncle Professor crept into their room and flickered the light a couple of times.

-- whose room?

Amanda hopped up she wiped and laughed.

-- should be more here. Amanda blinked her eyes and then smiled up at the old man. She jumped up from her bed and hugged the professor.

Other than those corrections, Well done! I really liked the story. It was very engaging. Keep up the good work!

And remember Show don't tell

This is a very engaging story. However, your paragraph structure turned me off. My personal preference--and some others on here--like it like this:

Paragraph

Paragraph

Paragraph


This is a very, very interesting storyline. However, I am a little bit confused of your use of C.S. Lewis's creatures. Put it in fanfiction if you are basing it mostly on Chronciles of Narnia. Or at least credit Lewis for some of the elements in your story.

Grade: B-

Nice story. Work on your paragraphs though. I got a little lost reading it at first. The words looked like they were bunched together. (or maybe it was just my eyesight...)

Anyway, it has a great storyline!