A Nameless Fantasy Story: Prologue

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There are a few notes on this piece. Number one, names like Other World and Council of Elders are probably not going to be the names I actually use for those things. They are merely what I am calling them until I think of better names. Number two, I do not speak a word of Irish, and thus, I have been roughly putting sentences together with an online Irish dictionary. If anyone on this site speaks Irish, correction of my grammar/ whatever would be much appreciated.

Hope you enjoy it! Please give me lots of feedback!

Prologue

The woman awoke abruptly from a deep sleep. The room was quiet, warmed by a gentle breeze coming in through the open window. She looked around the room. The sheer white curtains looked like ghosts in the pale moonlight as they stirred in the breeze. Even though it looked just the same as usual, there was something seemingly sinister about the familiar bedroom.

Her eyes fell on the crib beside her bed. The baby inside it slept peacefully, content with the world around her, completely oblivious to the unease that had settled upon the woman.

Everything was fine, the woman told herself. It must have been an unsettling dream. She closed her eyes, and slowly eased back into a state of half slumber.
* * *
A soft sound aroused the woman again. Something barely audible, like that of a woman’s skirt brushing the floor. The woman rolled over in her bed to look at the crib. A tall cloaked figure was bending over it, cooing softly to the baby.

Color drained from the woman’s face. “Orlaith,” she breathed.

The figure turned, the newborn baby tucked in its arms.

“Faylinn,” Orlaith said coldly. “How kind of you to join me with my little Evanna tonight.”

“No!” Faylinn cried. “What are you doing here?”

“Your father’s lack of mental power stands out in you, Faylinn. Not that I actually know who he is. And you dare to live among us! We, the asarlaí, the people with power! You are a gnáthdhuine if ever I saw one.”

“What do you want with her?” Faylinn repeated, ignoring Orlaith’s reference to her lack of ability.

“I have my reasons. You don’t honestly think I wouldn’t have a reason for it?”

“I don’t understand,” Faylinn said, growing more and more anxious as Orlaith edged toward the open window. “Don’t hurt her!”

“I have no intention of hurting her, my dear Faylinn. Now, if you will excuse me, I must be going.”

“No!” Faylinn screamed. “Stop! Don’t take her!”

Orlaith kept moving. Desperately, Faylinn spoke the words that she had been told to recite if it became necessary. She didn’t know why she hadn’t done it before. “Comhairle baile, cabhraímis!”

Orlaith stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face Faylinn. “You think they can help you? Against me?”

“I —” Faylinn began, but Orlaith cut her off before she really knew what to say.

“The Council of Elders never helped anyone in their time of need, Faylinn. They will always come just when it is too late. You must learn not to rely on them —”

The door to Faylinn’s bedroom was blown off its hinges. Faylinn jumped in surprise, and Orlaith lost her balance, having felt the impact of the blast.

Faylinn watched in seeming slow motion as Orlaith lost her footing, saw the baby fall from her enemy’s arms...

She turned away. She couldn’t watch her baby as she fell to the floor, breaking her neck, or worse. Biting her lip, she braced herself for the sound of the impact.

“NO!” Orlaith was screaming.

Faylinn turned back and saw the baby floating in mid air, surrounded by a protective sphere of purple light. Orlaith clawed at the sphere with her sharp black nails, trying to reach the child within, but her efforts were futile. The glowing energy orb remained solid, impenetrable.

Orlaith turned away from the sphere, rounding on the people who had just entered the room.

“Faylinn, get out of the way!” someone shouted.

Orlaith’s hands, balled into fists at her sides, began to glow. She was shaking with rage, and she directed her energy toward one of the men behind Faylinn. Faylinn managed to dart out of the way just in time.

Orlaith hurled the energy at the Council members. A shield was conjured with a split second to spare. The energy rebounded off it and ricocheted around the room, flashing flickering light across everyone’s faces.

“Now!” someone shouted.

The small group seemed to become one. Faylinn watched as all their bodies began to glow, collecting the energy that Orlaith had sent at them and building off of it. Then, with an earth shattering boom, an explosion rocked the room as they released it. Faylinn ducked onto the floor and threw her arms over her face.

And then it was quiet. Faylinn stood up and looked around. Dust and debris were settling everywhere. Across the room, Orlaith lay knocked out beside the glowing purple sphere.

Faylinn made to go to her daughter, but the man beside her threw his arm in front of her, blocking the way.

“Wait,” he said.

Faylinn looked over to the corner where her child was, so close to her enemy, and saw Orlaith’s unconscious form vanish in a wisp of smoke.

“Now you may go,” said the man wearily.

Faylinn rushed over to her child. The protective orb vanished at her touch, and she took the infant in her arms, holding her close. The baby Evanna gave a happy little gurgle and quickly entwined her fingers in her mother’s hair, one of her favorite playthings. She seemed completely relaxed, unaware that she had just been in such danger.

As soon as she was sure that Evanna had not been harmed, Faylinn ran into the arms of the man who had stopped her.

“Ninian!” she cried.

“It’s all right, Faylinn,” he said calmly. “She’s gone now.”

“But why was she here?” She was close to tears.

“I don’t know.”

Faylinn looked up into the face of the man who had been the closest she’d had to a father. It was a slightly aged face, slightly wrinkled and surrounded with wisps of graying hair. She had always thought it a wise looking face, the face of a man who would have an answer to everything.

“Council Master,” Ninian said, directing his attention to another man in the room. “I feel that this matter needs to be settled quickly. The lives of both young Faylinn and her child could be in grave danger. May I have permission to call an emergency meeting of the Council of Elders?”

The wizened old man nodded slightly, still staring at the spot where Orlaith had disappeared. His feelings of foreboding were written plainly on his face.

Ninian turned to the other men in the room. “We will meet in the Hall of Circles in ten minutes’ time. Contact the other Elders. Tell them what’s happened.”

Faylinn looked at Ninian with tears welling up in her eyes. “She’s already killed my husband,” she said. “What can she want with my daughter?”
* * *

“We need to settle this now.” Ninian banged his fist on the table in front of him as he spoke. Evanna squirmed in Faylinn’s arms.

“But Ninian,” said a man with short red hair and freckles. “We don’t even know why she’s after the child.”

Faylinn, Ninian, and all the Elders had convened in a large circular hallway paneled with some sort of reddish wood. They had been discussing what had happened back in Faylinn’s bedroom for half an hour already.

“That’s exactly it,” Ninian said gravely. “We don’t know why. We don’t know what she wants with the child. Orlaith has already murdered Faylinn’s poor husband, Seamus. She seems to be targeting the family. The fact that we don’t know why could make it all the more dangerous. The child has to be protected, or she may meet the same fate as her father.”

A sad stillness came over the room at these words as everyone remembered the cruelty with which Orlaith had murdered Seamus Mulloy.

After several moments, one of the Elders broke the silence.

“But how can we protect the lass? Surely nowhere in the Eadon Isle is safe.”

The room went quiet again as it sank in that it could be next to impossible to keep Evanna from harm.

Faylinn looked around the room at all the wise old faces of the Elders. There had to be a solution. If she lost Evanna too, she didn’t know how she would survive.

“Perhaps there is another way,” said Ninian finally, seeing the distress on Faylinn’s face.

“But how can there be?” said the freckled man skeptically. “Orlaith managed to get past us tonight, despite the protections we had on Faylinn’s cottage. We only defeated her by the tiniest bit. This can’t go on forever, Ninian.”

“I know, I know,” Ninian whispered, massaging his forehead with one hand.

“Perhaps,” said the Council Master, speaking for the first time that night, “if we cannot keep the child safe within the Isle, there may be a way to take her out of the Isle.”

Ninian stared at withered man, a slightly incredulous look on his face that quickly changed to a look of dawning comprehension. “Perhaps...” His voice trailed off.

Faylinn looked from one man to the other, not understanding what had just been said.

“You don’t honestly think,” said a man with frizzy brown hair and beard, “that the child can survive in the Other World?”

The Other World. Faylinn understood now. But as soon as she did, she wished she could have maintained her ignorance.

“We don’t know that the Other World is as terrible as legend tells us.”

“Are you telling me you think the legend is wrong?” said the brown haired Elder. “Even if most of it is myth, the Ancients couldn’t have come up with it out of nowhere Ninian. Even legends have some basis in fact.”

“We would send someone with her, of course,” Ninian said. “That person could care for her and make sure she is safe. As soon as Orlaith has been dealt with, the child can come back and live with her mother again.”

“Ninian...” said Faylinn in a hoarse whisper.

“It may be the only way, Faylinn,” he said. “I know it will be dangerous, but considering the alternatives, it may be our best option.”

“But what sort of óinseach would be foolish enough to bring the lass to the Other World?” said the man with freckles.

“Me.”

Everyone stared at Ninian in dead silence.

“I never thought you were that stupid, Ninian,” the bearded man said.

“If it means that there’s a possibility of Evanna’s safety, I will do it.”

“You do realize that once you get up there, you may never come back?”

“I am completely aware of it.”

“Ninian, please...” Faylinn whispered.

“It is our only option, Faylinn.”

“But...” she couldn’t think of what to say. Ninian was just as important to her as Evanna was. There was the slight possibility that it would be safer up there, but if they never made it back...

“Does anyone else have any objections other than their belief in my loss of sanity?” Ninian said.

The room was completely silent.

“Very well then,” said Ninian. “I shall bring Evanna up to the surface first thing tomorrow. I bid you all farewell.” He then looked at the Council Master.

“This meeting of the Council of Elders is dismissed.” the Council Master said in a slightly shaky voice. “Lugh will it that our next one may be more cheerful.”

The Elders began to move about, shifting their chairs and gathering their things. Faylinn went over to Ninian, hoping to change his mind.

“Please,” she said again. “There must be another way.”

“Perhaps there is,” said Ninian grimly. “But for the time being, this is the best we can think of. If we wait much longer, I fear it may be too late. For you and for the child.”
_____________________

Thanks!

-Sorceress
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)




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i am the first one reviewing so might as well get on with it. this story was great but i am sure you can do much better. good job. :D sorry if i am not a powerful critiqer but i hate :x to write things which would make other people :evil: hate me. :cry:

pm me anytime :!: :D
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Parts of this, namely the Gaelic and the Lugh reference, made me say "sqweee!" Unfortunately, I don't speak Gaelic. But it's nice to see.

I thought that your dialogue was stiff. It didn't seem human. Unrealistic. Unlikely. Try listening to how people talk. Think about how people talk. And remember that how they talk will differ from time period to time period. People in the 1930s talked differently than the 1820's than the 500s. (Obviously, people in the 500s spoke different languages rather than the modern versions, so use your best judgment if that's the case.) Human speech has a rhythm. That's how different family members recognize each other. A lot of people also contract what they're saying, which helps to define this rhythm. So, let your characters talk the way people would talk (given the factors included with the story), and they'll develope their own speech rhythm, until we can recognize them. (If this doesn't make sense, or sounds silly, let me know.)

It seemed strange to me that Ninian wasn't the Council Master, since he seems to be the one running the show. You may want to consider giving the master a bit more say.

Another thing that strikes me as odd is that people have their characters appear in a scene, but don't just give us a name, until someone brings the name up. With Orlaith it worked, because she was just identified as a figure until Faylinn said something, but you introduce Faylinn before that. Everyone does the same thing. This is just a conundrum that I've come across for quite some time now. If there's a reason for doing this, I would like to know what it is. (Personally, I think it makes more sense to give your characters the name right at the start. Make them easier to identify, says I.)

Also, beware the adverbs. Unless they are used well, adverbs can make everything look silly, even something very serious or neutral. (e.i. He delivered the grim liturgy piously.) A lot of the time they are unneeded, as in the example, and they really do make things silly or sentences overweighted. While they haven't taken over yet, and they haven't been noticeably ridiculous, you do have a few in this chapter, and you may want to be careful if you start seeing them everywhere.

She seemed completely relaxed, unaware that she had just been in such danger.


You don't need this. This sentence pops up everywhere pertaining to babies in danger. I don't know why, because it really is unnecessary. The readers know that the baby is unaware.

This leads into another ramble: why are babies always unaware? Did the baby notice that Orlaith wasn't her mother? Had Orlaith been visiting in the night, so that she could get the baby used to her? Just something to think about.

This shows promise. Be sure to work on dialogue, especially if you like writing it. (I'm sorry if this was a rambling critique.)

Oh, by the way...

I see this is a prologue. I don't think that this is a prologue. I think this is a first chapter. Someone somewhere said something very smart about prologues. I don't remember what it was, but really, most people don't need prologues. What they have as a prologue works as a first chapter or something. A prologue is something that comes before the story, and is really really important, but wouldn't be in the regular narrative. This looks like it would be in the regular narrative.

You don't have to have a prologue. Most fantasists have prologues because they think prologues are neat. Well, yes, prologues can be neat, but only if they are used properly.
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Budding Writer- Thanks for giving me your opinion! And don't worry, I wouldn't hate you if you told me my writing was terrible. I appreciate constructive criticism. It helps bring improvement.

Bear- I'm glad to know someone understood that reference! I was a little worried that no one would get it. As to what you said about the dialogue, thank you. As is revealed later in the story, it takes place in the present day, but it's society is set back several centuries because it's been excluded from the rest of the world. I imagined that the people would be a lot more eloquent when they spoke, but if the way I wrote it sounds stiff, maybe I should rework it. Also, what you said about introducing people's names, though it didn't really occur to me before, makes a lot of sense. For some reason I was thinking that would make it more mysterious, but I think you're right that I should just give their names. About it being a prologue, I called it that because the rest of the story takes place several years later. However, if you think it should still be just a first chapter, I will consider changing it.

Thanks to both of you for your critiques! I found them quite helpful. If anyone else has anything to say, your critiques are very welcome!

Thanks!

-Sorceress
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss)




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What happens when one only has the first bit to work with - one often jumps to conclusions in critiques.

Since this takes place a few years before, this prologue, I think, could work either way. It goes fast enough to be a first chapter, but because it probably wouldn't be part of the regular narrative it could be the prologue. Use your best judgment.

(I'm glad I could be helpful. I was worried that the bit on dialogue wouldn't make sense.)
Blah blah blah blah?



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