11 Years Old

I rhyme in most of my poetry, for some reason thats how it comes from my brain onto paper... that's just how I work I guess. Sorry if it bothers you!

Tell me what you honestly thing, but also please critique, telling me it was good or bad gives me nothing. Tell me why, and I can take your words into consideration. Trust me I do.



She was only 11 years old when he found her
Her youth showed in her eyes
So innocent and soft and sweet
So young and full of life


She didn't see it coming
When he slammed her up against the wall
He stood above her smiling,
Laughed as he watched her fall

He stripped her body down
Bare of dignity, naked to the bone
He plunged into her roughly
She cried, "please just let me go"

She felt the bile rise within
When he told her that she liked it
He told her she was always his
There was no reason to fight it

He left her lying on the floor
Her body bleeding broken bare
He laughed at her and closed the door
She begged for God to show he cared

She was only 11 years old when he left her
When the youth had left her eyes
That day she lost her sanity
That day, he changed her life.

Really really good. I liked it a lot, and I can tell you're very talented.

The only critique I could think of is:

He stripped her body down
Bare of dignity, naked to the bone
He plunged into her roughly
She pleaded for him to let her go

For some reason that one sentence seems like it doesn't flow as well as the rest, even though it's not really that big of a deal..
Maybe you could try:
She pleaded, "Please, just let me go!"

Good luck writing!

Hmmmm.... It's not the rhyming I mind so much as the rhythm. A lot of places were kind of awkward and didn't flow at all. In particular:

When he slammed her up against the wall
He stood above her smiling,
Laughed as he watched her fall

These three lines are really choppy and just dont have any rhythm. See if you can add or omit any words to make that work

Bare of dignity, naked to the bone

Her body bleeding broken bare

Two other examples where rhythm was a bit distracting.

Other than that though, I really enjoyed this! Keep up the good work!

Wow. This was very good! Very effective and emotional. And I think the rhyming works very well.

One of the few poems that I have seen where the rhyming is beneficial to the whole flow of the poem. Good Job.

Hey

Oh my. This poem is amazing, a 10/10, a 100%. It was scary, and it freaked me out so much but i loved it, you have talent and i really injoyed the poem.

The line that effected me the most was :

He stripped her body down
Bare of dignity, naked to the bone
He plunged into her roughly
She cried, "please just let me go"

It scared me so much by how gruesome and frightning it was.

I really enjoyed it, keep writing more.

T

I am a bit neurotic about rhyming, and I would just like to let you know that most of this doesn't rhyme. Some of it rhymes, but you have no defined rhyme scheme. Some stanzas have no rhymes and some have a clear ABAB scheme. Please define this a little better. For me?

Hey

i know i commented on it before, but i loved it!! just thought i'd tell you again.

She was only 11 years old when he found her
Her youth showed in her eyes <--- "Showed" is an undescriptive word that doesn't work here.
So innocent and soft and sweet <--- Avoid cliches like the devil.
So young and full of life. <--- Once again, this is a horrible cliche.

This whole stanza needs to be reworked. I have no sympathy for the girl because she seems like a paper doll to me.

She didn't see it coming
When he slammed her up against the wall <--- Get rid of "up" for more fluid sound.
He stood above her smiling, <--- "smiling" doesn't seem to be the right word.
Laughed as he watched her fall <--- I would probably switch "laugh" and "smile" in these two lines, so that "smile," which is a stronger word than "laugh," gets more of an emphasis.

He stripped her body down
Bare of dignity, naked to the bone <--- This line doesn't describe anything. Scrap it for something less cliched.
He plunged into her roughly
She cried, "please just let me go" <--- Add punctuation and grammar to this line to make it more effective.

She felt the bile rise within
When he told her that she liked it
He told her she was always his
There was no reason to fight it

This stanza is... silly. I think you can put it in a much more dramatic way if you cut out the third person and took out the cliches.

He left her lying on the floor
Her body bleeding broken bare
He laughed at her and closed the door
She begged for God to show he cared <--- This line seems random, as if you threw it in just to rhyme.

She was only 11 years old when he left her
When the youth had left her eyes
That day she lost her sanity <--- "Sanity" doesn't sound like the right word.
That day, he changed her life.

So... this poem definitely has potential, but your cliches kill it. Take out the cliches, keep the idea, and work on it some more.

I have to agree with snoink. As disturbing and sick rape is, the rhymes just somehow fail to convey that emotion to me. It seemed like:

1. dude rapes girl ---> horrible ---> feel bad.

Darken the atmosphere a bit; describe where it is, leave some metaphors, etc. The idea is good and scary, and with a little more work this could be good.

This is what some call powerfull, it contains a sad part of life that acually happens, and puts it into written word. You did an exelent job on it, keep it up. I liked it very much.

Very nice.
In places in flowed in others it didn't, i'd work on that.
And I would make it long.
But very nice emotion.

Even though i have read your "story" this poem makes it SOOO much more dramatic and it even makes me want to cry seriously i feel so bad for you i have been through some tough times not exactly the same thing as you but preety close and i am PROUD that you have conquered your fears and can actually talk about it i just wish i could work up the nerves to say what happened to me but i am not ready to talk yet but when i do i will let you be the first person i let know when i write about it