The Red Notebook [edited, please help!]

This essay is to apply to a writing camp. They get around 5,000 and only 100 get in. yeah. I'm trying to get this as good as I can get it!

*edit* The deadline just passed....* takes a deep breath and crosses her fingers*

*edit* OMG I MADE IT I MADE IT I MADE IT I MADE IT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Red Notebook

My current Red Notebook is blue. It sounds strange, yes, but there’s reason to this madness, I swear. My last Red Notebook really was red, and since I wasn’t very creative in seventh grade, it was simply my Red Notebook. When I filled that one, the clean, blue notebook was foreign to me, and I couldn’t bring myself to entrust my developing plots and characters to this alien. I temporarily dubbed it a Red Notebook to give it a sense of familiarity, and the name just stuck.

My Red Notebook is a training ground. When I get an idea for a character, I’ll try him out several different ways. If you flip through my Red Notebooks, you’d see one character, like Briel, in several different forms: a stubborn teenage scout, a reluctant soldier, a wild and desperate deserter, or even a sly, wicked man who will give his services to the highest bidder. Each time I change him, the plot changes, giving me a wider selection for me to choose from. His enemy—rebel hero The Badger—usually adjusts with him. And each time I adjust him, I get an idea of an entirely new Badger, and will try him out many different ways like I did with Briel. It’s like an atomic bomb; you split one uranium atom, and the pieces split other atoms around it, all the way down the chain reaction until you have this huge explosion.

Or, instead of changing characters and using the same plot, It’ll be the other way around. Rogue, thief and king of the outlaws in his own renegade kingdom, is one of these characters. He’s seen in plots of revenge, romance, chaos, and mystery. But you can’t easily adjust the plot without adjusting the characters; changing the plot will often change characters, and another atomic bomb explodes.

That notebook has been dragged through the few writing workshops I’ve been to, and every exercise and tip they drop has been greedily gobbled up by my Red Notebook. And everything I’ve learned, directly or indirectly, has been applied to every character or plot study written on the pages. For instance, you’ll find in the margin of a study, “Your character has a sense of smell; why won’t use it?” or “What, can’t think of anything original? Don’t even try to use a mirror to describe a character!” and, in one corner, it actually says, “Since when does the Badger laugh?! Can’t you get one thing straight about this guy?” My editing isn’t very validating. I’m trying to make my writing better, not raise my self esteem. It’s my idea of encouragement.

My Red Notebook tends to be the strangest thing a lot of people have seen. My friend stole it one day (since I wouldn’t willingly let her see it) and flipped through it with raised eyebrows. I’d have a study of Devern’s death scene on one page and then, on the next, the blithe Renegade Court trying not to laugh as they mocked the king and his nobles. And, in the corners and margins, I’ll not only have additions and revisions to the study, but random quotes, vocabulary words with their definitions, jokes, and thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with the study that lies on the same page. Almost no one can make any sense of it except me. The fact my scrawl tends to look more like Arabic than English doesn’t help, either.

But my Red Notebook isn’t only a training ground; it’s an escape. I write in it to relax and distract myself. When I was tense or stressed, I asked my friends what they did to unwind. They said things like listening to music, taking a bath, sleeping, reading, or watching TV. One friend said she liked to play the piano, and she would start out with a loud and angry song, working down her repertoire until she ended with a lullaby. I tried it all—even the piano—but nothing worked as well as sitting down and disappearing into another world with my characters.

I love to write; it’s how I get through life. Nothing relaxes me more than creating my own journey, friends, and reality.

Ok, paragraph-by-paragraph critiquing:

My current Red Notebook is blue. It sounds strange, yes, but there's reason to this madness, I swear. My last Red Notebook really was red, and since I really didn't have a specific name for it, I just called it my red notebook. When I filled that one, this clean, new, blue notebook was foreign to me, and it was hard to entrust my developing characters and plots to this alien. So I continued to call it a red notebook and rationalized the insanity by capitalizing it, so the color becomes part of the title. An aristocrat can be called a red-blooded blue-blood, right?

This started off well -- intriguing, witty -- but then you milked it too much. This paragraph could be half the length and be even better than it is at the moment. Less is more. Don't linger about it; tell it and then wow the reader with the next idea.

My Red Notebook is a training ground. When I get an idea for a character, I'll try him out several different ways. If you flip through my red Notebooks, you'd see Briel as a stubborn, teenage scout; a reluctant, captive soldier; a wild, desparate deserter; and a sly, wicked man who gives his services to the highest bidder. Each time I change him, the plot changes, giving me a wider selection for me to choose from. His enemy, rebel hero The Badger, usually adjusts to the new Briel, and I will try him out many different ways like I did with Briel. It's like an atomic bomb; you split one uranium and the pieces split other atoms around it, and those atoms will split atoms around [/i]them[/i], and so on and so forth until you have this huge explosion.

Again a good beginning, but the last third about the atomic bomb was too strung out. If the person reading this is an adult, then you can assume that they have some idea of how an atom bomb works. So, don't explain it! I like the imagery, but do you really need to bore me with some physics? Call it a chain reaction, or something like that, and then move on to the next idea. Don't get rid of the imagery, just tone it down a little, yeah?

The sam also goes with plots. I have a character named Rogue, a thief and king of the outlaws, who all make up the Renegade Kingdom. In one plotline, the Four Clans, a deadly assassin group that most of his "subjects" are hiding from, comes after him, and in the process his "subjects" discover he's one of them. Well, was, as Rogue protests, but no one believes him. Or, in another plotline, Luke--a boy who was forced to live in a monastery after the death of his parents but eventually escapes--joins them for room and board, hoping for their help to avenge his parents. Changing the plot will often change characters, and another atomic bomb explodes.

What is the purpose of this paragraph? I suppose it's showing that you know what a plot is, but the only good part about this paragraph is the last sentence. That is interesting; that is a good point. Perhaps you could change the contents of this paragraph to show how plot-lines affect characters and vice-versa?

My training ground goes everywhere. If I'm at school, my Red Notebook's at school. If I'm on a plane, my Red Notebook is on the plane. If I'm in Canada, my Red Notebook's in Canada. If I'm stranded on Mars for some odd reason, my Red Notebook's stranded on Mars right along with me. That way, any idea I have at the oddest and most inconvenient moment isn't lost.

Eww. Sucky repetition and the humour doesn't quite work. Delete and rethink completely. Perhaps you could play on the fact that your Red Notebook seems to be the epitome of loyalty for you? Maybe you could give it the personality of an eager friend that's ready to hear your ideas and dreams? I'm not sure what the specifications for the essay are, but maybe you could get an idea from them.

That notebook has geen dragged through the few writing workshops I've managed to go to, and every tip and exercise that they dropped has been greedily gobbled up by my Red Notebook. And everything I've learned, directly or indirectly, has been applied to every character/plot study written on the pages. For instance, you'll find in the margin of a study, "Your character has a sense of smell; why won't you use it?" or "What, can't think of anything original? Don't even try using a mirror to describe your character." In one corner, it actually says, "Mate, this charater is weak. He changes motives at random, just for the heck of it. Just shoot him, right now. And yourself while you're at it, please." My editing isn't very validating. I'm trying to improve my writing, not raise my self esteem. It's my idea of encouragement.

The first two tips are good, but I think the final one is a little too far. I can see the point (congratulations, you aren't just looking for praise) but maybe there's a better way of doing it. You could point out that the best piece of advice you've received was <insert harsh comment here> and then explain that it made you concentrate harder and actually improve. You could also say that the encouragement comes when you see how much better your 2nd draft is, and then your 3rd draft, and then ... etc.

My Red Notebook tends to be the strangest thing a lot of people have seen. My friend stoll it one day (since I wouldn't willingly let her see it)and flipped through it with raised eyebrows. I'd have a study of Devern's death scene on one page, then, on the next, the blithe Renegade Court trying not to laugh as they mocked the king and his nobles. And, in the corners and margins, I'll not only have revisions and additions to the study, but random quotes, vocabulary words with their definitions, jokes, and thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with study that lies on the same page. Almost no one can make any sense of it except me. The fact that my handwriting tends to look more like Arabic than English doesn't help, either.

I like the jumbled idea of the notebook -- very apt -- and the random quotes bit is so amazingly true! You've gone into a good amount of detail about your pieces here which is good because it illustrates the point, but maybe you could go into a little less detail; just a little bit to streamline the paragraph. The humour at the end doesn't really work. Find something else for that simile.

But my Red Notebook isn't only a training ground; it's an escape. I write in it to relax and distract myslef. When I was tense or stressed, I asked my friends what they did to unwind. They said things like listening to music, taking a bath, sleeping, reading, or watching TV. One friend said she liked to play the piano, and she would start out with a loud, angry song, working her way down her repertoire until she ended with a lullaby. I tried it all--even the piano method--but nothing worked as well as sitting down and disappearing into another world with my characters. I love to write; it's how I get through life. I usually type when I'm serious about somethin and someitmes, when I'm vehemently working on a story or maybe even a novel, I'll get so absorbed in my work that I'll look down at the keyboard and realize my fingers are bleeding. I don't even feel the pain until I'm thoroughly out of the world of my story. That's when I chuckle, gingerly shut down the computer, bandage my fingers, and flip open my Red Notebook to practice some more, or to berate myself over something I had missed before. It's better than any painkiller I've ever tried.

The 'bleeding fingers' is VERY scary. Unless you want to freak out the reader, change it to something like: "I get so absorbed I half expect to look down at the keyboard and find my fingers are bleeding". There, much less scary! Also, this is a very important paragraph because you're explaining that you actually enjoy it! It's a good ending, definitely worth the 2 hours, but please spell-check this. I can't think of a way it needs to be drastically changed. Good job!


1. Adjectives
Are you on an adjective binge? Please stop. You can make the read so much easier by eradicating some of them. You don't need to use the 'rule of three' for every description, so see if you can get rid of things like "this clean, new, blue notebook" ok?

2. Streamline it
The above point will help with this. You need to make this flow. At the moment, your essay is a bit like the first two sentences in this paragraph. By using discourse markers (even so, but, however, also, etc) you can alert the reader to changes in the discussion and make the writing flow. Also, by getting rid of unnecessary words and phrases, you can make this essay at least 1/3 shorter. Streamline it and then, if you need more, write additional paragraphs. Trust me: it'll be well worth it!


Good work, this has the potential to be a great essay. Now, rewrite it with the above points in mind and see how much better you can make it! Good luck!

Charlie

Hello, Volant! I shall crit this to the best of my ability. I might freak out a little, though, seeing as you trust me with something so serious. However, my motto is still the same: I'm gonna rip, tear, and smile the whole time.

If you flip through my red Notebooks, you'd see Briel as a stubborn, teenage scout; a reluctant, captive soldier; a wild, desparate deserter; and a sly, wicked man who gives his services to the highest bidder.

If you flip through my red Notebook, you'd see my character in many different forms: Briel as a stubborn teenage scout, as a reluctant soldier, as a wild and desperate deserter, or even as a sly wicked man who gives his services to the highest bidder.

His enemy, rebel hero The Badger, usually adjusts to the new Briel, and I will try him out many different ways like I did with Briel.

Do you have Microsoft Word? I know that MS Word does this little trick with bigger dashes like this: His enemy—rebel hero, The Badger—usually adjusts to the new Briel, and I will try him out in many different ways like I did with Briel.

If you have MS Word, I'd recommend you do this by retyping the sentence, only inserting -- between words (no spaces) rather than those commas. Any questions, PM me. If you can't do so...*whispers* Copy/paste.

It's like an atomic bomb; you split one uranium and the pieces split other atoms around it, and those atoms will split atoms around them, and so on and so forth until you have this huge explosion.

I agree with Charlie that you can easily just say 'chain reaction.' It's like an atomic bomb: you split one uranium, the pieces split other atoms around it, and the process continues in a chain reaction. There's certainly a better way to phrase this.

The same also goes with plots.

In one plotline, the Four Clans, a deadly assassin group that most of his "subjects" are hiding from, comes after him, and in the process his "subjects" discover he's one of them. Well, was, as Rogue protests, but no one believes him. Or, in another plotline, Luke--a boy who was forced to live in a monastery after the death of his parents but eventually escapes--joins them for room and board, hoping for their help to avenge his parents. Changing the plot will often change characters, and another atomic bomb explodes.

I happen to fall victim of this very point. Instead of explaining what the plotline really is, I would give examples and assume the reader knows what I mean. That's never good. Here, you have two nice long examples (run-on sentences, but nice examples) but I, as the reader, must be missing the point.

Don't get me wrong! Examples are good, but we need more goodies. We need to know what the plot actually is (assuming that's one of the points of the essay). Maybe say how the plotline is also called the storyline and is basically what the story is about. Then use an example, and make sure your examples are not one gigantic run-on sentence.

The last sentence is very good though.

My training ground goes everywhere. If I'm at school, my Red Notebook's at school. If I'm on a plane, my Red Notebook is on the plane. If I'm in Canada, my Red Notebook's in Canada. If I'm stranded on Mars for some odd reason, my Red Notebook's stranded on Mars right along with me. That way, any idea I have at the oddest and most inconvenient moment isn't lost.

Charlie is correct here as well. Parallel structure is good—it’s a wonderful persuasive device—but this can certainly be improved. Charlie had good ideas for this spot. Your Red Notebook is a guy's best friend, or it's like your shadow, or something, lol.

That notebook has geen dragged through the few writing workshops I've managed to go to, and every tip and exercise that they dropped has been greedily gobbled up by my Red Notebook. And everything I've learned, directly or indirectly, has been applied to every character/plot study written on the pages.

Very good writing here. I think the back slash in "character/plot" is fine as an 'or' instead.

For instance, you'll find in the margin of a study, "Your character has a sense of smell; why won't you use it?" or "What, can't think of anything original? Don't even try using a mirror to describe your character."

Good job here.

In one corner, it actually says, "Mate, this charater is weak. He changes motives at random, just for the heck of it. Just shoot him, right now. And yourself while you're at it, please."

This, I think, is a bit long and rather irritating. Do what Charlie suggested or find a smaller quote.

My Red Notebook tends to be the strangest thing a lot of people have seen. My friend [s]stoll[/s] stole it one day (since I wouldn't willingly let her see it)[insert space here]and flipped through it with raised eyebrows. I'd have a study of Devern's death scene on one page, [delete comma] then, on the next, the blithe Renegade Court trying not to laugh as they mocked the king and his nobles. And, in the corners and margins, I'll not only have revisions and additions to the study, but random quotes, vocabulary words with their definitions, jokes, and thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with study that lies on the same page. Almost no one can make any sense of it except me. The fact that my handwriting tends to look more like Arabic than English doesn't help, either.

I liked the last sentence, myself. It made me smile. Watch my grammar corrections.

I write in it to relax and distract [s]myslef[/s] myself.

I love to write; it's how I get through life.

I think it's more effective like this, but I'm not entirely sure (!): I love to write—it’s my life.

I usually type when I'm serious about something and [s]someitmes[/s] sometimes, when I'm vehemently working on a story or maybe even a novel, I'll get so absorbed in my work that I'll look down at the keyboard and realize my fingers are bleeding.

Wait, your fingers bleed? o_O Again, look at Charlie's comment.

I agree with Charlie: It was a good enough ending. ^^

Overall, I thought it was good. Most of my comments are above and it's an essay, so there's no plot/characterization/dialogue I have to check down here in my closing remarks, lol. Just make sure you use good devices and use them well: rhetorical question, simile, metaphor, parallel structure, etc. Use these correctly, and it will turn out very well.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Darn it, I was trying to make the bleeding fingers as not-scary as possible....dang. It was creepier when I wrote it late at night, but I guess it didn't work toneing it down.

Thank you soooooo much!!!! I will rewrite with your reviews in mind! I really appreciate it, mates, thanks!!!

Editted! is it any better?

Um.. I don't know if its any better. Maybe just because I never saw the original. There are still a few mistakes,though. (this is going to be really hard by the way, because I don't know how to use quotes.) I actually did like it though. The first sentence of the first paragraph was very good. It made me interested, if it weren't for the first sentence, I would have probably just gone back and read something else. Keep it.

When describing the complete change of plot as an 'atomic bomb exploding' is a good metaphor. Examples are good. In the paragraph (again, can't do quotes, because I haven't figured it out yet) where your friend steals your red notebook you give examples of what you wrote in there. Also, saying how your friend had raised eyebrows, that is good! It gives the reader the idea of how crazy (or odd) the notebook is. also...
In one corner it actually says "Since when does badger laugh?! Can't you get one thing strait about this guy?"

Good. Papers like this always need a sense of humor.

One thing is when you say "My notebook is a training ground. When I get an idea for a character I'll usually try him out several different ways." Make sure you put in "him or her". Sorry, that's just one thing that always bugs me. Some other errors. you say "your character has a sense of smell; why won't use it?" make won't 'not', or is that supposed to be "Your character has a sense of smell; why won't you use it?". Personally, i think 'why not use it' sounds better, but its your choice.

This paragraph, "Or instead of changing the characters and using the same plot...", is a lot better than it was, reading some one's review. Its much more on topic.

Good luck, hope this was helpful.

OMG guys I made it in!!!!!! *squee!!!* Thank you soooooooooo much for your reviews! They helped me a LOT!!! *hugs all!!* Thanks again!!! You all ROCK!!!!

Hey Volant!


I removed the caps from your title. It's irritating and hurts one's eyes, so try not to use it too often in thread titles! Thanks.