Invisible

Invisible, I disappear into my mental gloom.
Unseen, I creep into the sweet haven of my room.
I feel as though I soon shall fade from memory and from thought.
Only pain and suffering has my deep sorrow wrought.
But through it all, the tears and the moans,
The solutions sings through out my very bones.
You I shall and will forget, no more pain will you cause.
I shall forget you, you fiend, who broke loves sweet laws.
And I shall make it so that no more hearts are torn by your villainous claws.

Would some person out there please read and comment on my poem!

I am going to say how many syllables each line needs.

Invisible, I disappear into my mental gloom. 0
Unseen, I creep into the sweet haven of my room. 0
I feel as though I soon shall fade from memory and [s]from[/s] thought. -1
Only pain and suffering has my deep sorrow wrought. 0
But through it all, the tears and the moans, 0
The solutions sings through out my very bones. -1
You I shall and will forget, no more pain will you cause. 0
I shall forget you, you fiend, who broke loves sweet laws. 1
And I shall make it so that no more hearts are torn by your [s]villainous[/s] claws. -3

Sort these out first - keep the rhythm true.

I disagree with xanthum gum. I think you can break away from the rhythm in the verse for dramatic effect. However I agree that in the third line you should remove the second "from" it really improves the flow. Also in the 6th line you might want to remove "out" so it reads:

"The soloution sings through my very bones"

In the final two lines, however, i think you can keep the deviations because that is where the speakers intention to perhaps harm her x-lover becomes apparent.

You should consider creating a narrative or dramatic poem out of this because i think it could tell a good stroy.

Good job!

I really liked reading this poem, you're really good!

And plus, do not change what the gum kid said. I reread it with her suggestions and it didn't soung near as good and in tune. If you take out those words Gum suggested, it won't sound right. So keep them,:D

And congrats on a job well done.

Plus, I like your username, its beautiful and exotic.

I liked this. Especially the very last line:

And I shall make it so that no more hearts are torn by your villainous claws.

*beams*

This was just a really well written poem.

Good Job!

Araidne wrote:Invisible, I disappear into my mental gloom.
Unseen, I creep into the sweet haven of my room.
I feel as though I soon shall fade from memory and from thought.
Only pain and suffering has my deep sorrow wrought.
But through it all, the tears and the moans,
The solutions sings through out my very bones.
You I shall and will forget, no more pain will you cause.
I shall forget you, you fiend, who broke loves sweet laws.
And I shall make it so that no more hearts are torn by your villainous claws.

I really liked this. The ryhming and rhythm is really perfect. Great piece of work here. Hmm..The last line seems a little too long. Try to shorten it with using a different set of words. I hope this helps!

-Rick.

I thought this would be a very unoriginal piece.
Turns out it's very original I like it very much.
It could use a little editing but other than that it is ready to be published

The only line I thought mediocre was, "But through it all, the tears and the moans,"
That really must go.
The rest of it maybe could use a bit of tweaking but it's generally fine. I enjoyed it a whole lot. I don't knwo why but I feel as it's very relateable. Easy to relate to, I get it, you know?

I think every single teen girl feels invisible sometimes. Whether it's to her friends, that boy in history class, her siblings, or her parents. And guys feel it too.

I judged this piece too quick by looking at the titl;e, so you may want to change that. "Invisible" in fact is so tres cliche!

I absolutly love it!!!

I give it 5 stars!!