A Joy Beyond Words

With a little modification this might work as a rap or a song lyric. I'm totally new to this so I had no idea what to do with punctuation and capitalization. The imagery in this poem was the result of a meditation, suggestions would be well received!


A Joy Beyond Words

Light pierces my waking eyes,
Filling up the empty spaces in my mind,
Streaming through my body like a bolt of lightning
Like an overflowing well, warming every cell,
Shooting out my fingers and gushing from my mouth,
Filling up the house, the world, the universe.
Undone, overcome by the greatest sound I ever heard.
Paradise, ecstasy, tears of joy with every word.

The crowd lifts up its joy with me.
Applause, like laughter, like a river flows
Through eternity to the ocean of sound
Inside my heart and all around.
Each vibration, each pulsing sensation
Screams out in a joy beyond words.
The sound of victory, the sound of shame.
The sound of love, the sound of pain.

I shudder with joy as each vibration
Rings on forever in my mind
Growing ever sweet through the ages.
Each vibration, each pulsing sensation
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

Wow...this is really good! I really enjoyed your imagery, and the way you almost made the joy so JOYFUL that it was almost painful. A lot of your imagery wasn't what people usually use to describe happiness, which was really refreshing.

I thought your punctuation was fine...one line that kind of stood out to me as awkward, though:

Shooting out my fingers and gushing from my mouth,

Particularly the 'gushing from my mouth' part, just sounds awkward to me. You're creative...think of something different!

Au revoir ~ MademoiselleKool

P.S. lol, welcome to the site. Pm me with any questions.

It's very good, I like it. Though in the last bit you used the word vibration twice.

I shudder with joy as each vibration
Rings on forever in my mind
Growing ever sweet through the ages.
Each vibration, each pulsing sensation
Screams out in a joy beyond words

Though you are repetitive with joy, it makes sense for the final line of each stanza, though for some reason you do not do this in the second stanza, breaking form for this repetition on sound.

The crowd lifts up its joy with me.
Applause, like laughter, like a river flows
Through eternity to the ocean of sound
Inside my heart and all around.
Each vibration, each pulsing sensation (Consider dropping)
Screams out in a joy beyond words.
The sound of victory, the sound of shame. ( Drop)
The sound of love, the sound of pain. (Drop)

Rewrites to:

The crowd lifts up its joy with me.
Applause, like laughter, like a river flows
Through eternity to the ocean of sound
Inside my heart and all around.
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

Then just for ideal form sake I would work on the first stanza and drop it from 8 lines to 5 lines for an even stanza with 'Screams out in a joy beyond words.' as the final line of each stanza.


Light pierces my waking eyes, (Drop)
Filling up the empty spaces in my mind,
Streaming through my body like a bolt of lightning
Like an overflowing well, warming every cell, (drop, excessive)
Shooting out my fingers and gushing from my mouth, (drop, excessive)
Filling up the house, the world, the universe. (drop)
Undone (strike) overcome by the greatest sound I ever heard.
Paradise, ecstasy, tears on every word. (strike repetition of joy)
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

Filling up the empty spaces in my mind,
Streaming through my body like a bolt of lightning
Overcome by the greatest sound I ever heard.
Paradise, ecstasy, tears on every word.
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

--------------------


Filling up the empty spaces in my mind,
Streaming through my body like a bolt of lightning
Overcome by the greatest sound I ever heard.
Paradise, ecstasy, tears on every word.
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

The crowd lifts up its joy with me.
Applause, like laughter, like a river flows
Through eternity to the ocean of sound
Inside my heart and all around.
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

I shudder with joy as each vibration
Rings on forever in my mind
Growing ever sweet through the ages.
Each vibration, each pulsing sensation
Screams out in a joy beyond words.

Just did some minor changes for form and structure, not sure if you like it better. Removed some of the imagery for clarity and helping to define joy more strongly.

I liked this, it had a good rythm and had good termonology. My only problem was it didn't do anything for me. Poetry is supposed to not only move the writer but the reader as well. This seemed like naval grazing to me. It was all about what was happening to you, describing what you were feeling.

It left me hanging, I didn't know what you were doing, only that you were doing it in front of a large amount of people. Were you singing? Doing comedy? What?